TheTruth:Postpartum Depression & Anxiety Attacks

The funny thing about life: The anxiety and frustration; I'm mad at myself

2009-12-03T22:40:00.000-08:00

Well the funny thing about life is that you just start thinking you've got your crap together and the anxiety attacks start again. Bad dreams, everything seems so much more important than it really is but you cant get your mind to think like that. Its frustrating, I've taken a huge step backward and I'm so mad at myself.
It has been a rough month and I seem to make it even harder on myself; I add stress and anxiety to myself by constantly thinking, wondering about the what ifs. I thought I was over that crap.
I've been waking up at two in the morning in anxiety attacks. Which are probably the worse because you don't have a chance to catch them before your already having one. It sucks and I'm sick of it.
I should have never went back to the back doctor, I knew my back was messed up again. I was just trying to make my family and kids stop worrying or at the least have the doctor explain to them what was going on. I've been a mess every damn since.!!! Why did I go just to hear something that I already knew? I guess to see if they could keep the scoliosis from going any further. Then they set you up for an MRI, which I have canceled three times. Just another part of the anxiety. But in my brain I'm thinking why go and get this done?????? What could they tell me. Nothing good. It will only be that its worse than I thought if anything.
Then Obama comes on the TV after telling everyone the troops are coming home in one year or whatever the hell he said. Really? Is that why my son is leaving. So he comes on and now they are telling us that my son may leave by Christmas. OK really, this almost took me over the top.
I have a doctors appointment for chronic pain; which I have cancelled three times. This is their cure or way to make me function now. The manipulation therapy really does work but it is fing snowing. Am I the only one with extreme anxiety when the weather is bad. I'm not kidding I can't breathe right now just thinking about driving on the roads an hour to get there and then back tomorrow. So I call and leave a message to cancel. Then I call and leave another message saying that I will just be there. I have lived here all of my life; What the hell? And I will lay up all night and worry about the fing weather and roads. Which makes me mad too. Because I shouldn't have to drive on the bad roads but you know they won't refill the prescriptions if they don't see you, so your pretty much screwed.
Please deal with me; I'm ranting.lol
Oh and my son is not going to Iraq now; Hes going to afghanistan. I have been having dreams every night and there are all of these guns and bombs; wake up sweating. Oh but he says he is ready and thats how they are supposed to feel right? I mean imagine not being ready. I wish someone who was in a war or knows someone who was in a war could write me. Good or bad I am the kind of person who needs to know things. I want to know what its like and what he will be living like. It may be harder but atleast I won't be in the damn dard with everyone whispering around me cause they don't think I can handle it. He won't tell me anything. He says its better that way. I don't know.
The weather is killing my body. I hate cold weather. I know everyone wants to see the snow. Well I don't mind it if im in a hotel room for a couple of days sitting in a jacuzzi. It absolutely makes my life hell. God I'm being negative but I've tried to spare all of you for a few weeks. lol.
I checked about support groups for soldiers moms. I can't find one here and I know there has to be one. Maybe I just don't know what I'm looking for or where to find them.
I was holding my grandbaby and lasted fifteen minutes. Just pisses me off. I love her to death but it hurts to hold her for too long.
I'm also mad at myself because I was up last night and decided to look at a photo album of my grandma. I never ever thought that I would forget the feel of her hands, hair, soft skin. But I am. That makes me sad. My parents say that is the way it is supposed to be. I don't think so. I want to remember everything about her and little by little its fading. She has been gone for two years and it seems like twenty. I miss her.

Well I've probably depressed all of you and your now having anxiety attacks but I actually feel better. lol. I'm just going to jot a few things down that I'm remember again about anxiety attacks and how it feels. I was doing it off allot of memory before.
1. I noticed that when I have them at night right now, I have a different feeling in my belly and its not the burning that I get when I'm awake. Its the feeling of when you've never been so scared in your life and you stomack kinda feels like its going in circles. Its scary; and hard to explain. My body feels like bugs are crawling inside it. and you just want to jump up and run. My advice would be to get up for a while. I have never been able to just lay there calm myself down and go back to sleep. Doesn't work for me. You know your going to be exhausted in the morning but its better than laying there in a anxiety attack three or four times that night.
2. I'm not sure anyone else does this but when it snows, gets real foggy. I have extreme anxiety. I have a feeling of being stuck and clostrophobic. Its a major set back for me and I have tried so hard to fix it. If I can get myself in the car I'm allot better but its horrible.
3. Forgot how much I cancel appointments; My mind just spins. If I have more than one appointment a week it takes me over the edge. I really think its the appointment part. Having to be somewhere. Because if I'm out and about I can accomplish allot of things, but if I have to be somewhere I worry about it a month before it get there and then usually cancel it anyway.
4. Fear of being ill has struck hard the last couple months. So much crap is going around. I walk into places and can feel the germs hitting me. I'm not usualy like that. I'm around sick people all the time. But when I'm in an anxiety mode and feel bad, weak, crazy, I swear that if I get sick I will die. Die??? yea thats what I think.

Oh I have never in my life had so many women in two weeks tell me that my eyes look horrible. That I look like I'm "zoned out" what just trying to make my day a little better? I have never told anyone that they look like shit! But seriously, my eyes are really dark underneath, not with bags, just like a purple, blue, black, color I dont know and on my eye lids it looks like I have brown eye shadow on. Its that dark. Anyone have any idea what that is from. ??? Or what I can do so that I can quit receiving all of these good compliments. I really want to say to them, yea well I'm fifteen years older than you, going through menopause, in chronic pain, and have raised two and a half kids, you day will come soon. lol.

Please write me with any advice on eyes, someone who has been to war, anxiety, depression, back problems or chronic pain. would really help to talk.

HEY BOB ASK BESS ABOUT THE EYE THING. LOL. NO REALLY

Full of things to say but cant seem to make myself write

2009-11-29T23:18:00.000-08:00

I wanted to just write a short post to let everyone know that I miss talking to you. I need to chat and I have so many things going on in my mind. But its almost too much to just sit down and write. Sounds crazy I know. The things that are on my mind I really don't want to talk about which means if I just keep putting it off or writing about them, I don't have to think about them.

Well started writing so now I feel like venting a bit. lol.
My son came back from training for Thanksgiving and will be working at the base near us until after Christmas. Then he will leave and We won't see him again for about two years. That is so hard to comprehend and I'm writing it but yet I don't want to talk about it cause that would make it real. And it is real, oh so real. I'm trying to figure him out right now. He seems to be distancing himself from us a bit and its hard on us but maybe that is how he is going to cope with all of this. I just dont know. He went camping by himself for two days. I thought that was really weird, he said it was nice and he had a lot to think about. He doesn't look good, like hes not sleeping. He looks old right now. I told him he looks tired or something and he said that he doesn't sleep. I'm wondering if when they are training and they are doing all the stuff at night, if that screws their body up or if he is just stressed. He is way too stressed for a kid his age, worries about everything. I'm not being a very good mom because is all I want to do is cry. So I just sit and listen to him.

Christmas is a great time of the year, I'm trying really hard to make it special for my little one just like I did the older ones. But I'm really struggling. Christmas this year is also the last time I see my son for a long time. So I'm putting it off although it is still coming.

I went to the spine center for my back a couple weeks ago. What a mistake that was. I went because the hospital said my spine was making it harder for me to breathe and not the scars from all of the blood clots. Oh my God I could have died when I saw the xrays.... It was almost like I was a third person looking at them, like I wasn't even there. Its funny how allot of doctors are so smart but yet really don't know how to talk to people. Basically what they told me is that I have a 47 degree curve in my spine again. That was fing depressing. I knew it was getting worse but thought the rod would hold it up somewhat. My spine looks like a boomerang! Thats what it reminded me of. Surgery is not an option again unless I lose all feelings in my legs and they are just going to treat the pain. Which mean more pills. And I already get told that I take too many from people. Although they dont have my spine... right. ?

So my plan as of now is that I'm going to keep moving. The doc said that 95 percent of people with my curve would be bed ridden for life. So is what I have to do is just keep moving. He was surprised at how I could bend and was flexible. I told him half of my day was stretching and walking. so I just have to keep it up. battery is dying have to go... miss talking to all of you

Quick tip: Depression, Anxiety / Step aside fromt all negative for a while concentrate on you.

2009-11-07T21:49:00.000-08:00

Some advice was given to me today from someone I would consider full of wisdom. If you are going through depression, postpartum, anxiety, or just to much going on in your daily life remember a few things.

Just some tips;

Stay around positive people. If you find yourself being consumed by others problems and negative attitudes, which they may be having a rough day you know. But when you are depressed etc. its all you can do to handle your own life. Its ok too. Sometimes you have to be kinda selfish. Its not that you dont care about them, its that their problems will consume you. You will stay up all night worrying about their problems and end up with your own anxiety attack. The next day they will more than likely be in a great mood and you are going through hell. Keep this in mind and see what happens. As you get stronger you will be able to handle more. But if you are at a low point just stay by positive and caring people.

I hate to sound like I dont like people because I do, but there are alot of folks who rant and rave, bring you down and know what you are going through but dont mind adding a little more stress to you. Stay away for a while. Some people actually enjoy seeing others low and having problems. Sounds bad but I have seen it ad been through it many times. Its just not important right now. Take time to get healthy before you start trying to help others with their problems. I know. Believe me. I try to be a good person but will take every problem that I hear and worry about them until Im sick.

If you start hearing negative things just walk away, you have your own shit to deal with right now. It is hard to think positive when your constantly around negative people. There will be a time when you can help them, but maybe it is you that needs the help right now. Find someone who will listen and help you for a change. Which may be a hard thing to do. If you do this for a few weeks you will be amazed at how much your stress level will go down.

Phone calls have a way of either cheering you up or bringing your whole damn day to a fing depression. Its ok not to answer the phone if you know its just going to be a bunch of negative crap. Let the phone go for a while if possible. You can talk to positive people. Try it for a few weeks. I couldn't belive how much better I felt. Try not to answer the phone for a whole day and watch your stress level go down.

When you are at work and you do your job, talk to positive people, and just go home. It will make you feel better. Although I dont know quite what to tell you if your boss is always negative. Try selective hearing I guess.

I got to the point where my doctors were telling me not to even watch the news. Bunch of bad news, disasters, murders, on and on. I have to admit it helped although I thought they were crazy.

Live, love, laugh, and stay postitive. Its a hard thing to do and I get off track quite often. It usually takes me getting sick to realize the crap I'm listening to and the shit I'm taking from everyone to make my attitude change.

Try to just focus on your own life for a few weeks. Your family, kids. Although sometimes family are the ones who bring you down. Most of the time there is someone in your family who has wisdom, can give great advice, and will actually listen. They have been through alot and dont mind sharing it. Only with a positive spin because they are older and full of wisdom.

I love to listen to older people. It is relaxing in a way. They have been through most everything we are going through but have learned how to handle life, people, problems. They will tell you how everything is just a part of your life that you go through and although it seems so big right now, it really isnt. Things have a way of working themselves out. And if you think about it they always do.

We will worry about things for months or weeks ahead of time and it usually never turns out the way you think it will. Its usually better and then I think how I wasted all of those days or weeks worrying about something that never even happened.

Try to let life take care of itself. You really arent in control. Take a few weeks and just role with life. You know that the things you are going through will change in days, weeks, maybe months. If we try to have a positive attitude and just realize we arent in contol of everything, things will work out, our lives would be so much simpler.

Make a choice to take care of yourself. Your emotiions, your health and happiness. And set the negative people and things aside for a while you will see a change. Your minds are most likely full of your own problems. Dont try to handle everything in one day. Set aside the outside influences and handle your stuff one thing at a time. God Bless All of You and let me know if it works.

Son left thank God he wasn't in Texas

2009-11-05T21:46:00.000-08:00

I am so sorry for all the people who lost someone today in Texas at the Army Base. My son left for his last training mission on Monday and the goodbys are almost harder than him being gone. That sounds bad I know. He did get some good news today. He will have two weeks off in December before he deploys. I just talked to him on the phone and they have been training and in classes since three this morning. It was about nine and they still had a meeting and had to get all their stuff ready for tomorrow before calling it a night. They sure work hard and long hours. Who knows what his schedule will be it changes weekly. I guess thats just how they role.
I wonder:
What would bring someone to go into a place and just start killing people. I'm sure that all of them are scared or I would be. But to kill the very men who are willing to risk their lives for you??

How families have the courage to send their loved ones over to war one, two, three, or more times. How do they do this? I'm not sure how to get through it.

What I would do in a situation like this. Having someone come in and start to fire and shoot people. I would hope that I would react, hide, something. I have a feeling that I would just freeze. Not be able to move in order to react. I guess that makes me a bad candidate for our military huh...

Why we are still fighting if we are withdrawling soldiers to help support the ones on the ground. It only makes since to me that if you have young men and women fighting for our country, if we are going to continue to do this, that we do it... Give them the man power so our soldiers have support and can do what is being asked of them. If we are going to half ass it or pull people out then bring everyone home dont just keep them over there to get killed because they dont have the man power that they need.

Now mind you this is coming from a mom whos son is getting ready to deploy and I know my view is probably one sided. I have tried to look at this from both sides and I realize that some soldiers want to come home, of course. And some of them say they wouldn't leave even if ordered too.

But I do not understand what is going on. We have all these men and women over there. They are doing what they are told. If we were at a job and couldn't complete it, didn't have enough people, someone would probably be hired. They wouldn't just let the business fail. ? Right. So They are doing their jobs and getting their support taken from them. More of our soldiers are getting killed. Either go in and get it done with all our might or bring them all home. Thats my opinion. Although I hate my son going to war, I really do think that if something is not done over there, there will be allot of trouble for us in the united states as far as terrorism.

Maybe someone could help me out and eduacate me on exactly what is going on and why I shouldn't feel this way. Please dont be negative to me, I'm trying my hardest to get through this time and my mind is scrambling for answers. I just don't understad what the hell is going on.

I have atleast one person a day tell me that obama is bringing back the troops; I have to argue with them because it makes me mad. If he is then why is my son being deployed. and the kids that I talk to that are going to iraq end up leaving after three weeks and are headed for aphganistan" spelled wrong it think. Ok had to vent. Now I need to try to write a more cheerful blog. lol.

Naked witch on Halloween

2009-11-04T21:11:00.000-08:00

So my brother calls me and says that his wife told him "I'm going to be a naked witch for Halloween"
She comes out all dressed up and says how to I look. He said "Great, it would be perfect if you took an iron to those wrinkles.

Now I hope that this was just a joke. lol.
The guys are all still laughing about it; girls in the family not so much.

To Maitain a Healthy Level of Insanity!!!!!!!!!!

2009-11-03T22:03:00.000-08:00

To Maitain a Healthy Level of Insanity!!!

just received this sounds alot like me so I thought that I would share it with you.

1. Sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down...

2. Page yourself over the intercom and don't disquise your voice.

3. Everytime someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.

4. Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has gotton over their caffeine addiction switch it to espresso.

5. In the memo field on your checks write; For marijuana

6. With a serious face order a diet water whenever you go out to eat.

7. Specify that your "Drive through order" is "To Go"

8. When the money comes out of the ATM and your in a store yell "I WON I WON"

9. When your leaving the zoo start running and yell "Run for your lives their out!"

10. Tell you children over dinner that "Due to the economy" we are going to have to let one of you go.

Have a great night. I'm pretty sure im going to do a couple of these things just to see peoples' faces. lol.

Is it possible to become more depressed when your sick? Driving me crazy

2009-10-30T20:52:00.000-07:00

I need to know if anyone else goes through this or if I'm just nuttier than I thought I was. OK so when I get sick like a cold or flu, anything I swear to God I get more depressed. Now remember I'm already depressed enough and on meds for it. So why in the hell do I get worse when I'm sick. The dark, gloomy cloud absorbs me and I think I'm dying, even if I'm not. I try to talk myself out of it but I can't. Then the anxiety starts. I just wish I could be put to sleep for the whole time I get ill.
I watch others who get sick. They are just as sick, go through it, feel like hell, but dont get even worse depression. Why does this happen to me. It always has and its driving me nuts. I try to tell my family that this happens and they look at me like I'm nuts.
I always think ok I'm sick, I will just rest and will get better. My mind starts freaking out. Everything is exagerated in my mind. I know this sounds crazy but does anyone else do this????

Back to the simple things in life: "Its raining Leaves!"

2009-10-27T22:25:00.000-07:00

Seems like its either the the little kids who don't know a whole lot or the older people who know oh so much that are the ones who can make you stop and think... We go through life everyday worrying about things that are not in our control, we simply can't do anything about, or we want to change things to our satisfaction. I am guilty of this and need to work on it.

When something is really bothering me in my life I usually turn to my dad. He is 64, calm, realistic, I have only seen him mad a few times and that is scary. Sometimes its the quiet ones you have to watch. lol. His answers always seem to be the same but yet I still want to hear them. Although sometimes it pisses me off, I know that he is right. He always tells me to be realistic about things, not to go on and on about it. "It is what it is" oh my God do you know how many times I have heard that. It seems that I listen to him for the day but need it repeated several times a week. I am getting better as I get older. Almost too damn calm. The things that used to drive me crazy ten years ago aren't even on my mind now. And the things that I never thought about ten years ago, I worry about. Its a frustrating, never ending circle.

My husband is another person that puts things into perspective for me. Although I dont think he worries enough about family, kids, etc. like I do. Maybe he worries and just doesn't say anything and maybe he really doesn't give a shit. lol. I can tell him something that is bothering me and he says. So? pisses me off. He says "I dont even know why you let shit like that bother you," and "There is no reason to take an ass chewing over the phone." He is a good person but doesn't give a shit what people think about him and I need that when I'm in my worry about everything that I can't do shit about mode. I will tell him that I have to do this and that and I don't know how I'm going to get it all done. He says, "You dont have to" and thats it.

Then there are kids. If we could all just look through a three year olds' eyes a few times a day. Listen to the different sounds. Enjoy the little pebbles on our walks that they pick up and save. Notice the colors, smells, and small things in life.

I was stressedddddd out the other day. Had a house full of twenty something year olds. Toddlers, family. Needed to pack and started my damn lists. My daughter comes in and says some guy wants to talk to you outside about your trees. I'm thinking son of a b. what else. So I go out there and he asks me if I like my elm tree because its not looking too good and some of the branches were getting ready to touch the power line so they were going up the road and cutting them away from the lines. My response. Yes. I love my tree. He was probably in his twenties, nice kid and I have all this stuff to do but didn't want to seem rude. He talks about all the trees I have etc. As I'm walking back in I took a deep breath outside, looked around and seemed to feel less stressed. I'm walking in a I have girls saying "He could cut me trees anytime" oh god I felt old at that point.

Then my day was made... My neice was standing out on the front porch. It is screened and she could only see eye level, or thats the only place she was looking. I sit down in the chair about ready to explode and she says. "Well this isn't supposed to happen" she is two but can talk really well. Her eyes were huge and she was looking outside. I asked her what wasn't supposed to happen? She said "It's raining trees!" I had to smile. Knelt down to take a look at what her little world was like right then. Sure enough all she could see was the branches falling fromt he trees. Five minutes later it was "Raining Gold Leaves" I took a peak at her view again. It was beautiful. Big, Beautiful, Golden leaves falling from the sky. My heart felt better, anxiety was fading. I thought F it, I don't care what I have to do. I shut the door and lifted her up to the couch. We watching it rain leaves and trees for about twenty minutes. It was beautiful! We talked about the pretty roads and how they looked like golden paths. A two year old, almost three brought me back to what I need to do in life. Enjoy the little things, and always watch it rain leaves...

I called all of the other kids out. The twenty something year olds. Made them kneel down and watch it rain leaves. I'm sure they think I'm nuts. I told them enjoy it, you know it doesnt rain leaves very often. The two year old said "Yea, cause its not supposed to happen."

Swine flu? Flu? Whats the difference?

2009-10-26T21:31:00.000-07:00

Yep gave all of us bad luck by saying we were going to be in hotel sick this weekend. Damn. I don't know what the difference between the swine flu and the flu is.??? Do you? We were walking through the aquarium and I swear to God it hit me so hard I was sitting places that people were walking over me. I was weak, my back felt like it was going to litterally break in half. I don't know if thats because when you get sick it settles in the part of your body that your the weakest or has had surgery or what? I couldn't make it thank God I had my 23 year old with me. I went into the car and turned the heater on as high as it could go. Shaking, hot to the touch but no fever at first. I was looking on the tom tom to see where the nearest hospital was then decided against that. I was thinking shit what if I were to get admitted what would my kids do? We were like three hours from home. I also got the flu shot! So I dont damn know. My daughter drove us to the hotel and thank God I decided to spend money for my little ones bday and stay there because there was valet parking, got into the hotel room and litterally could not move. I swear if I would have had to get my own medicine I couldn't have. The cough is horrible. It starts out just a little cough and within two hours your coughing so much that your chest feels like it is going to explode. I was sucking on my daughter inebulizer for her asthma just to breathe. My daughter took the girls to the pool and I knew I was going to toss it but couldn't get out of bed to do it. Finally damn near crawled to the bathroom and just got the trash can. Got back in bed and well to put it lightly damn near puked my brains out. My nose starts bleeding and I've never had a bloody nose, well maybe once. I was trying to wear a mask so that I didn't get my grandbaby and daughter sick, it was actually a lifesaver for me, I don't know if its because I was breathing in warm air which helped me not to cough as much or what. I remember the last time I got the flu and this was definetely the flu but I have to idea what kind?? Alka Seltzer and tylenol were the two meds that helped the most I'm still taking tylenol because if I don't I can feel the chills coming on. I don't know what meds my daughter gave me forsure but I finally got to sleep. The fever broke that night and I felt pretty good the next morning so I went to the Gymnastics meet. By the time it was over we were all sicker than hell. And there were people right by us telling us that their kids all had the swine flu. uuugggghhhh.
The baby started coughing and I felt so bad. Its terrible how grown-ups can tell you they are sick and poor little babies cant. My daughter called the hospital. She was about to have a nervous breakdown and was scared to death. They told her not to take the baby to a doctors office or a hospital!!!!! Give her tylenol. She feels ok tonight. I wonder how long this lasts? Let me know if youv'e had it please. Cause my little one started getting sick on thursday night and still gets the chills after the tylenol wears off. I need to have her go to the doctor I guess but they dont' want to see her unless she has a high fever??? I'm confused.

When it rains it pours!!!!!!!!!!

2009-10-22T20:41:00.000-07:00

Have been going through all stuff with my parents being sick. Trying to help but not a very good daughter cause I'm so afraid of getting sick. Then my son comes home sick. I thought that he had gotten flu shot from army, still not sure but he has 103 fever last night, coughing, I can just feel germs crawling on me. I never was like this until I got blood clots and my lungs got ruined now I'm so afraid of germs and being sick.
Tonight my little one has a fever and she did get the flu shot. she is on the list for the swine flu vaccine, but they haven't called yet. So I'm freaked out walking around with gloves and a mask on. lol. They can laugh if they want but This crap would kill me if I got it.
We are supposed to be leaving for the weekend tomorrow. I have to get out of town. As long as the altitude doesnt go up I'm good to go. Daughter has a gymnastics meet and we were going to go celebrate her birthday this weekend.
I swear to God I may never learn not to plan. What is that saying if you want to hear God laugh tell him what your doing tomorrow?
So I have all these plans and I'm pretty sure they aren't going to happen. Maybe we can just all go be sick in a hotel? lol.
Anyway wanted to let you know I'm not ignoring your posts this weekend just hopefully won't be here. Need a break, change of scenery ya know. Have a great weekend I may get a chance to write quick post tomorrow don't know. If not talk to you on Tuesday.

Anxiety; Put into perspective by my kids; although they give me the anxiety???

2009-10-22T20:31:00.000-07:00

A week of anxiety and all is put into perspective for me. Really helps atleast for a couple of days I just wish I could get my shit together and stay focused.
Gymnastic meets, parent teacher conferences, my moms emphasyma,sp?? doctors, leaves, back surgery, son, house is a mess, have to get groceries, clean leaves up, bathe dogs, clean car, on and on and on. Thats what my mind is thinking. I make list after list until my lists all say the same thing and I'm sitting here trying to put all of my lists into one list.
I cancel teacher conference for a week, take mom to doctor, get her meds, cancel flu shots for a week, cancel back doctor appointment, send daughter for groceries, look at leaves, look at dogs, look at car, get pretty much nothing done.
So my older kids and youngest plus grandbaby are here the other day and I start rambling. Then talking loud, I drive my older ones nuts and my younger one just looks at me. I tell her I'm not talking to her but my others have to get their shit together. Yea they need their shit together???
Tell my daughter to quit leaving her crap everywhere, tell my son to take out the trash. Now its not like I havent asked nicely for a damn week. Finally it gets to where I'm going over my list, or lists, of shit I need done. Its supposed to freeze tonight! My fountain needs drained, hoses need drained, swamp cooler need drained, house looks like shit, everything is unorganized, I even go so far as to tell them that I'm out of Dr. Pepper! lol. I drive myself crazy when I do this shit.
I leave and go to my moms she needs inebulizer and I'm pretty sure she isn't taking it. Now in my little bitty mind I'm thinking ok everything will be done when I get home.
I get home and they are all laying on the damn couches watching tv! Ok now my blood starts boiling plus I have found new things that have to go onto my lists.
I start yelling, I don't even know what I say and after years of anxiety and being with them 24/7 they have selective hearing and can tune me out really well. Until I start crying, which almost never happens.
My son tell me "You need to relax mom" I tell him to relax I dont have the GD time to relax. Yea like he really relaxes in the army? My daughter says "Mom! I told you I would help you" yea, I say a fing week ago. She says "Kinda busy" as she is breast feeding the baby. OH shit I used to breast feed, have one on my leg, clean house, and cook dinner at the same time!
Finally, they get up and grab my list. It was all done in one hour and I felt so much better. It is crazy how fast things can get done when you just do them instead of make list about them. lol. This is a huge problem and the exact reason I stopped the lists. I dont know when I started them again? And why do I have to go nuts to get some help? Why are kids so much more willing to help strangers than their parents? I even offer to pay them! lol.
So yesterday when I woke up I was all by myself. My little one spent the night with her sister. Before I got out of bed I told myself you are going to get up and get your crap done. Go Go Go, I was still laying there. But I did it. I got my butt up, no lists, no phone, no computer. Turned on some music and took off. I was amazed at how many things I achieved with the help of pain pills for my back. Damn pills. damn back.
Anyway I learned a few things, again:
No lists
Cry and your kids might help you
I work better with nobody around me.
My older kids are pigs now. lol.
Four people can get alot of shit done. Fast.
Dont trust mom: She doesnt take her meds right.
Get my ass up and get as much done as possible: That way at the end of the day you dont feel like a total failure.
The inbox is never empty so might as well quit worrying about the little stuff.
As your kids get older you think you can get off meds. But it seems the dosage just get stronger. lol.

Quick tips for moms: How to get your kids to clean up their messes!!!!!!

2009-10-20T08:50:00.000-07:00

TIMES UP!!!!

I actually have learned a few things that might help others as far as kids go. Actually I would say that the only thing I'm really good at is raising my kids. I have tried alot of things to get help picking the house up; this is the one that worked everytime.

I think the best way to get them to help you pick up the house is;

You set the timer or kitchen timer, I even do this with my nine year old. Just set it for two or three minutes. Maybe even one minute for the real little ones. Caution: This does not work if they are still crawling or if they are over the age of 17! lol.

So anyway tell them that you are going to set the timer for two minutes, everyone starts in a different room (I found this will defuse any fighting over who made what mess). Its a game to them and I haven't seen a kid that won't to it. I even do it when I sub. Sorry keep interupting myself.

So everyone starts, tell them to pick their stuff up first and that they have to put it in the correct place or it doesnt count. Before you even start offer a prize, not for the winner, but for the family. It doesn't have to cost money. Just tell them If we get this done we can go to the park or whatever they like to do. It will make them want to play.

After the timer goes off dont freak out if its not all done: Switch rooms and you do your two minutes too! It will make them work harder.

So everyone goes in a circle to each room, you handle the cleaning sprays etc. unless they are old enough. You will find that each of them like to do certain things or are really good at them. Like cleaning mirrors, my older ones sucked at it, my younger one is great at it.

They do as much as they can in the two or three minutes then stop and move on. If you figure two or three kids plus you at two or three minutes each, that is 8 to 12 minutes on every room! You will be amazed at how clean it is!

Once that timer goes off STOP: Dont tell them everything they did wrong, save that. Go have some family time and do what you said that you would. Kids aren't stupid, follow through and it will work.

One thing that you will run in to is that one kid will say "I picked up my stuff but the timer is still going" this is a perfect time for them to learn that its important to help others in life. I wouldn't make them pick up the older kids stuff, but first remind them that everything needs to be in place and that maybe they could help the younger ones or you with something. I used to have a little list of extras incase they were finished. Which doesn't happen alot. Like feed the dog, or animals.

This used to save my whole day. And to be honest I would usually do it an hour before their dad got home.lol. Or it just gets messed up again. Then it was clean the next morning.

It is also a good idea to have a little trash can in each room or bag and for the older ones the cleaning stuff they need, that way everyone isn't running up, down, and around taking as much time as possible to run the timer out. lol. Took me a while to learn that. lol.

I do this almost daily with my nine year old and myself. When my older ones are here they have to do it too. I dont make the baby though. lol. In their minds they are thinking what is two minutes?? nothing? but it adds up. You might also want to set the timer and just have them sit there to watch how fast it goes. It will seem so easy for them.

Hope this helps someone: It has made my life much easier.

Wear Red Shirts on Fridays; see why

2009-10-19T21:16:00.000-07:00

Red Shirt

If the red shirt thing is new to you, read below how it went for a man...

Last week, while traveling to Chicago on business, I noticed a Marine sergeant traveling with a folded flag, but did not put two and two together..

After w e boarded our flight, I turned to the sergeant, who'd been invited to sit in First Class (across from me), and inquired if he was heading home.

No, he responded.

Heading out I asked?

No. I'm escorting a soldier home.

Going to pick him up?

No. He is with me right now. He was killed in Iraq , I'm taking him home to his family.

The realization of what he had been asked to do hit me like a punch to the gut. It was an honor for him... He told me that, although he didn't know the soldier, he had delivered the news of his passing to the soldier's family and felt as if he knew them after many conversations in so few days.

I turned back to him, extended my hand, and said, Thank you Thank you for doing what you do so my family and I can do what we do.

Upon landing in Chicago the pilot stopped short of the gate and made the following announcement over the intercom.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to note that we have had the honor of having Sergeant Steeley of the United States Marine Corps join us on this flight He is escorting a fallen comrade back home to his family. I ask 20 that you please remain in your seats when we open the forward door to allow Sergeant Steeley to deplane and receive his fellow soldier. We will then turn off the seat belt sign."

Without a sound, all went as requested. I noticed the sergeant saluting the casket as it was brought off the plane, and his action made me realize that I am proud to be an American.

So here's a public Thank You to our military Men and Women for what you do so we can live the way we do.

Red Fridays.

Very soon, you will see a great many people wearing Red every Friday. The reason? Americans who support our troops used to be called the "silent majority." We are no longer silent, and are voicing our love for God, country and home in record breaking numbers. We are not organized, boisterous or overbearing.

Many Americans, like you, me and all our friends, simply want to recognize that the vast majority of America supports our troops. Our idea of showing solidarity and support for our troops with dignity and respect starts this Friday -- and continues each and every Friday until the troops all come home, sending a deafening message that ... Every red-blooded American who supports our men and women a far, will wear something red.

By word of mouth, press, TV -- let's make the United States on every Friday a sea of red much like a homecoming football game in the bleachers. If every one of us who loves this country will share this with acquaintances, coworkers, friends, and family, it will not be long before the USA is covered in RED and it will let our troops know the once "silent" majority is on their side more than ever, certainly more than the media lets on.

The first thing a soldier says when asked "What can we do to make things better for you?" is. "We need your support and your prayers." Let's get the word out and lead with class and dignity, by example, and wear something red every Friday

still; quiet; just taking in every moment

2009-10-17T21:34:00.000-07:00

I haven't been feeling too good and was resting this afternoon. My son came home from the base and stopped by. I had my oxygen on... sucks... laying in bed and heard him coming in. I am having a hard time talking to him without crying so I kinda said hi and pretended that I had went back to sleep. He layed down by me with his camo on and big damn boots that I would normally have a fit about. They have been working long hours and you can tell that he is just exhausted. He was asleep within a minute or two and I was listening to him breathe. It was calm and then fast, then faster, he was jumping like he was dreaming. I tried to just ignore it and let him get a few minutes sleep.

I was cherishing this moment although hes alot bigger than I am now, hes still my little boy in a way. His face is like a childs when he is sleeping. The freckles, blonde hair, little ears, blonde eye brows and eyelashes. When you are just looking at his face its as if your laying next to your five year old again.

I think he knew I wasn't sleeping though when he woke up. He put his arm around me, gave me a kiss on the cheek, and said "I love you mom"

He stands up and hes tall now. Camo, boots, just keeps going. Hes a kind and good kid with a generous heart. And can go from that to pissed off real fast. Hes very protective of his family and his country. I'm almost glad that he can get an anger issue fast for the first time in my life. It may keep him alive.

He will be leaving for death valley in a couple of weeks. Back for five days for Christmas and Thanksgiving, then we won't see him for like a year an a half. He is leaving us at the age of 20, will be landing in Iraq, or wherever they tell him on his 21st birthday, and will spend I think fifteen months there. So with Gods help I will see him when he is 22 again.

He will not be at this base near us when he leaves which is sad but I think may help us all. I am really sure that if I had to tell him bye right before he went over I would just have a nervous breakdown.

We are best friends in so many ways, but so much alike that we can get on eachothers nerves after a few hours. I would die for him but yet he is the one that is willing to die for me and my freedom.

I am going to truely have to put this in Gods hands before I seriously have a nervous breakdown. And I will but I have to write about it at night or I just think, think, think. I know that I need to stay positive like he is. I havent said anything negative to him for a long time and I'm so proud of what a man hes become. I'm just going to miss him so much. He is the jokester in our family, he could make anyone laugh. Im going to miss that. He is the exact person or son that I wanted to raise.

You know how when your kids are little and you say I hope they turn out to be this, this, this, and this. Well he is everything I hoped he would be and more.

Best present for your wife!

2009-10-15T05:18:00.000-07:00

Ok so I know that its kinda a rule not to get your wife something to clean with for a present but I have wanted one of these since they came out. I never got it until I bought it for myself and I swear its the best thing I've ever bought myself. The iRobot Roomba! you know the vacume. If your wife is the one who vacumes and hates it or has problems because she is too busy, just doesn't do it, or has medical issues, anything. I swear to God it is a miracle. Call me lazy I don't care. I love it.
I waited for two months to tell my parents and husband that I got it because I new they would just think I was lazy but vacumming killed my back and made my day hell afterward. I would hide it under my bed and vacume while my husband was gone. lol. I even hid it from my older kids.
So we were having my daughters baby shower and my mom asked me to vacume, she started asking a month before the shower was even here. I told her I would that morning. Pissed her off. But I took my iRobot over and turned it on. It vacummed her house and she ordered one the next day. She says its the best thing that she has ever bought and that she would damn near trade dad for it. lol. I don't think she is kidding.
Now just a warning: For the first two weeks I spent hours watching it work. I kinda felt sorry for it. lol. My husband knows that I have it now but hes only seen it run once. Just turn it on and go lay down and take a nap!
I here that guys clean now! I always made my son help but how great that would be to get help cleaning. So guys just go buy one, hide it, and when your wife gets home she will be so happy. lol.
You can even set them to where they clean while your at work.
K I have a big day ahead and its going to be exhausting; have to vacume.

My new best friend is a GPS

2009-10-15T05:00:00.000-07:00

So I have been taking my daughter to gymnastic meets every weekend. I borrowed my sons gps because I had no fing idea how to get there and the anxiety started to build. People laugh at me but I get nervous when I'm lost. I love that thing and really want one. I'm going to put a picture of one on the refrigerator and leave it there until my husband gets me one. That used to work when we were first married so maybe he will get the hint. I like when the thing talks to me, some of the voices on it drive me nuts, but I found one that I like. It also really helps when you are driving in the dark to a big city and you cant see in the dark very well. Which is making me think does everyone have trouble seeing at night? Like I can see the cars. lol. But I really cant see when there are turns ahead of me or how the road is going. Thats probably what the damn signs are for huh? The gps shows you how the road is going, amazing and I know your prob thinking who doesn't have one of those? Well never really needed one in this town, but its on my wish list now! Although after my weekend I just wanted to turn it off and start driving. You know just drive and end up where you end up. I was having a good time, it was nice to get out of town. People kept calling me and pissing me off. I'm out of money, Your dog shit on my floor, Where is the toothpaste? Thats what they were calling me for. I would rather listen to the gps. Can people not stand for you to just relax? I think they just try to mess with me. What was I supposed to do drive 3 hours and clean up the shit? I took the toothpast go get some more? F.
Anyway got off subject, ya know I do that.
Note to self; Put picture of GPS on frig. It not only gets me where I want to go, it talks over the kids arguing. and you can even mess with it and take a wrong turn, it doesn't get mad it just says "Please make the closest, legal U turn" lol.

Daughter seperation anxiety; I spoke too soon

2009-10-14T12:21:00.000-07:00

Spoke too soon about having the seperation anxiety almost beat... Note to self: Never be late!
So in my first post about seperation anxiety with my daughter I was saying how she was doing so well. Guess what? She went to band and I was on my way to get her. A train goes through our town and I had to stop for it. I was starting to panic thinking oh shit shes going to panic. Then I thought, well I was ten minutes early the last time and they didn't get done until dxactly 3:30 so its 3:29 I should be good. I walk in the door and her face was beet red, she was crying, standing by the phone and the teacher says she thought that you were going to forget her? What? Made me sound like I just leave her everywhere.
I told the music teacher that she has an anxiety problem, she said yea she told me and looked at me like I was a nut.
Got into the car and I told her I was on time it ended at 3:30. She said she knew but was still crying. I let her settle down and tried to change the subject by making her look at the ducks, trees, anything.
When she settled down I asked her if she took a breath when I wasn't there. She said yea and it didn't help. So I had to explain that she may need to take more than one breath. lol its really not funny. but made me smile cause I'm so stupid. So I went through the whole bit but kinda forgot how to handle it. It has been a long time since she had done this. So I told her why I was on time, but late. I explained that this is life and stuff like this is going to happen from time to time. Wrong move. Her anxiety went through the roof. She said "When? Are you going to be late next week? Are you sure?" Her voice gets high then low and she talks really fast.
Had to start again.
Asked her what she could have done when she started getting nervous, call my cell phone. She said she tried but the school phone wouldn't work. Well how would she know that you have to dial 9 to get out and be able to call. Now she knows but the teacher was right by her you would think if a kid is sitting there crying and freaking out they could help them call out. Or she may have told her but my daughter doesn't hear anything seriously when she is like this. So now she knows that. Although I hope to God she doesnt need it.
So she tried the phone thing and it didn't work.
When I walked in the kids were looking at her like she was nuts too. Kinda sad. They were asking her what was wrong but when she tells them they just don't understand. Most of them were waiting too or just then calling their parents.
So went on. I asked her if maybe she could have walked outside the door and looked for my car because its hard to find a space, oh no! What if she couldn't get back into the room! She goes to band at a different school too so its not like she really knows anyone and we are pretty new in this town so none of the parents would know her.
After 4 hours I finally had to get a little tough. But again don't do this if they are really bad and haven't had the chance to learn how to deal with all of this. I asked her what the worse thing that could have happened, which wouldn't because I have never forgotten her and if something happened I have four people who she knows would be there to get her. But I finally did tell her "Ok so if nobody showed up what would you have to do? Or what could you do?" I could see her face turn red and I told her to breathe. I asked her if she could have made it home? Yes.
Could she have waited in the school until someone got ahold of me or someone in her family? Yes. Can they just leave you in the school and leave? No I told her they cant do that. Worst things that could happen seem horrible to kids with seperation anxiety. I try not to do it but sometimes have to and she has band today. By God I will be there, early.
Note: I will be going to other school to music teacher and tell her about my little one. It is horrible for these kids and she feels better if the teacher knows. Thirty seconds is a lifetime for them, its sad and almost unbelievable that a child can get so anxious that fast but they do. My mistake thinking she was well enough that the other teacher didn't need to be informed about her anxiety.
Small little things like this takes these kids back. She bounced back pretty fast from this one. It used to take a week to get her over one incident. So shes better but still delicate and I can't forget this.

1/2 boy 1/2 man

2009-10-09T05:26:00.000-07:00

1/ 2 boy 1/2 man

The average age of the military man is 19 years.

He is a short haired, tight-muscled kid who,

under normal circumstances is considered by

society as half man, half boy.

Not yet dry behind

the ears, not old enough to buy a beer, but old

enough to die for his country.

He never really cared much for work and he would rather wax

his own car than wash his father's, but he has

never collected unemployment either..

He's a recent High School graduate;

he was probably an average student, pursued some form of sport activities, drives a ten year old jalopy, and has a

steady girlfriend that either broke up with him when

he left, or swears to be waiting when he returns from half a world away.

He listens to rock and roll or hip-hop or rap or jazz or swing and a 155mm howitzer.

He is 10 or 15 pounds lighter now than when he

was at home because he is working or fighting

from before dawn to well after dusk.. He has

trouble spelling, thus letter writing is a pain for him,

but he can field strip a rifle in 30 seconds and

reassemble it in less time in the dark.

He can recite to you the nomenclature of a machine gun or grenade launcher and use either one effectively if he must.

He digs foxholes and latrines and can apply first aid like a professional.

He can march until he is told to stop,

or stop until he is told to march.

He obeys orders instantly and without hesitation,

but he is not without spirit or individual dignity.

He is self-sufficient.

He has two sets of fatigues: he washes one and wears the other.

He keeps his canteens full and his feet dry.

He sometimes forgets to brush his teeth, but never

to clean his rifle.

He can cook his own meals, mend

his own clothes, and fix his own hurts.

If you're thirsty, he'll share his water with you; if you are hungry, his food.

He'll even split his ammunition

with you in the midst of battle when you run low.

He has learned to use his hands like weapons

and weapons like they were his hands.

He can save your life - or take it, because that is his job.

He will often do twice the work of a civilian, draw half the pay, and still find ironic humor in it all.

He has seen more suffering and death than he should have in his short lifetime.

He has wept in public and in private, for friends who have fallen in combat and is unashamed.

He feels every note of the National Anthem vibrate through his body while at rigid attention, while tempering the burning desire to 'square-away ' those around him who haven't bothered to stand, remove their hat, or even stop talking.

In an odd twist, day in and day out, far from home, he defends their right to be disrespectful.

Just as did his Father, Grandfather, and Great-grandfather, he is paying the price for our freedom. Beardless or not, he is not a boy. He is the American Fighting Man that has kept this country free for over 200 years.

He has asked nothing in return, except

our friendship and understanding.

Remember him, always, for he has earned our respect and admiration with his blood.

And we have women over there in danger, doing their part in this tradition of going to War when our nation calls us to do so.

As you go to bed tonight, remember this shot. . .

A short lull, a little shade and a picture of

loved ones in their helmets.

Prayer wheel for our military... please don't

break it Please send this on after a short prayer.

Wheel

'Lord, hold our troops in your loving hands.

Protect them as they protect us.

Bless them and their families for the selfless acts they perform for us in our time of need. Amen.'

When you receive this, please stop for a moment and say a prayer for our ground troops in Afghanistan , sailors on ships, and airmen in the air, and for those in Iraq , Afghanistan and all foreign countries.

There is nothing attached...

This can be very powerful...

Of all the gifts you could give a US Soldier, Sailor, Coastguardsman, Marine, or Airman, prayer is the very best one.

I can't break this one, sorry.

The Old Country Preacher; I wonder which my son would grab. lol

2009-10-09T04:38:00.000-07:00

email I received today; kinda funny

An old country preacher.....had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young Men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects.

1. A Bible.....?

2. A silver dollar.....?

3. A bottle of whisky.....?

4. And a Playboy magazine.....?

'I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to himself.. 'When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.

If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a

Blessing that would be!

If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.

But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.

And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a

Skirt-chasing

womanizer.'

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table..

With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.

'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered.

'He's gonna run for Congress.'

Friend shot; Son being deployed; Need help and advice

2009-10-06T21:49:00.000-07:00

Guess I will try to write two blogs tonight. I had made up my mind that I was going to be positive for a change. But shit happens and I'm not so positive tonight. We got word that one of our friends' son got shot, he is in the marines and my heart just hit the floor. Hes a really nice kid. Shot right in the chest. He did live through it but the anxiety is getting out of control knowing that my son is heading over in a few months. You know I don't know how parents deal with this. And I know its the soldiers that are putting their lives in danger for us, but the heart ache, anxiety, fear, numbness, for the parents is almost too much. I have made it through this year without him being shipped. We just found out that he will actually land there on his 21st birthday. Some birthday huh. I'm scared for him and I'm becoming a wimp. I'm very proud of all of our soldiers but am litteraly sick to my stomach. If you know of people, parents, who are going through this please have them write me on my blog it would be much appreciated and I need to talk to someone about this who knows what its like. I'm not sure that anyone can be prepared for what might happen, I'm trying to stay strong for my son and other kids. But I'm starting to break. The "What ifs" start. My son and I had a conversation, well a forced one, by me. He said that its just the way it is. Hes ready. He loves his job. On and on. To tell you the truth I'm not sure I was even listening to him. I was watching him and flashbacks of when he was little just role through my mind, and now he is going to war. He is very confident in how they have prepared him for combat, and to be honest when I hear him talk it really does seem like they really prepare these guys. As he was talking and my mind was rolling I was just staring at him, he is still so young. Does or is he going to be prepared to shoot someone.? He says yes. He just kept looking younger to me, maybe immature, but yet when hes in uniform or at the base, hes a different person. Very confident, strong, and proud. I am the kind of person that feels alot better if I know about things, so I need some help from you. How will I be able to talk to him when hes over there? Do you send letters? How often do you hear from them? Anythng that you can tell me. He has to go back to death valley, again, in california for another month before being shipped out, he will get thankgiving and Christmas with us and then be gone until he deploys. I suck at goodbys and may have a nervous breakdown so it might be better for him to leave from another location. I have to keep this to myself so he isn't worrying about me worrying while hes there. I need to be strong for him, but am so sad, scared, anxious, and litteraly feel like I'm going to have a nervous breakdown. He is my only son, has a huge heart and would do anything to help someone. Hes my hero, and I would die if I lost him.

Something worth reading

2009-10-04T20:33:00.000-07:00

Email I received today
Jesus had no servants, yet they called Him Master.

Had no degree, yet they called Him Teacher.

Had no medicines, yet they called Him Healer.

Had no army, yet kings feared Him..

He won no military battles, yet He conquered the world.

He committed no crime, yet they crucified Him.

He was buried in a tomb, yet He lives today.

Feel honored to serve such a Leader who loves us.

If you believe in God and in Jesus Christ His Son..send this to all on your

GOD BLESS YOU ALL Larry T. Hedges

1st Sgt U.S. Marine Corps Retired

Seperation anxiety in children

2009-09-30T20:31:00.000-07:00

The pure fear they have inside is heart breaking. She would not leave my side. And I really mean that. I could feel her eyes going through the back of my head when I would walk out of the room. I'm sure she thought I was going to die. At first you just tell them to stop it, but it becomes bad fast. You could have told her whatever you wanted to she was hell bent on not losing anyone else.

She would not go with anyone. I mean in a vehicle, to their house. Nothing. And you couldn't make her. I'm serious she would cause a scene and she wasn't just being a brat you could tell that her anxiety level was at a peak. Her face would turn red. I recently asked her if she still remembers the feeling and she said yes. She said "It was like being on a roller coaster all day long with your tummy" God, and I caused allot of this by being so sick.

I didn't know what to do and was very defensive over it. The fear that they feel is real and I felt so powerless. I spent everyday in her classroom or she wouldn't go to school. Doctors orders. she was put on medication which I hated but it got so out of control. I started substituting and she would leave class and come find me just to make sure I was there.

You have to realize this was so unlike her, she never wanted to be in trouble with the teacher, but this anxiety took her over. She was fragile, delicate and I didn't know how else to help her.

She had trouble that year in school and had "mean girls" which her mind could not handle. I knew how it felt but yet didn't know how to help my baby.

The constant question; They repeat things over and over. But hundreds of times a day. "Mom, will you be here?" I would say "Yes, of course." She would repeat that about ten times when she would even go to gym, the bathroom, it didn't matter. She would take a few steps and it would start again. "Will you be here when I get back?" Same answer. I tried to be so patient.

The thing that made me sick. I have always been here for my kids. Never missed a day with them. Why would she think I would leave her? Not die. Just leave her. I would never do that.

The mothers made a big stir about me being at the school when I volunteered. They thought I favored my kid. I've never been mean to any kid. They were mad when she got put into gifted and talented. And I didn't care that she got put in. I have been through raising two other kids. Although, it is good for her because she gets bored, which gives her too much time to think. I'm amazed at how petty parents are. The situation was explained and a doctors note accompanied about what she was going through, what she needed, her medication, what she had gone through and even how she was thinking and over-thinking everything. The teacher was great. I didn't just sit there I helped grade etc. And it was hard on me I was still recovering, but they didn't care. I have a real hard time with envious people. And they didn't even have anything to envy? What the hell?

I ended up having to move her to a different school. I could not let her go through it anymore. It wasn't even so much the kids. The moms. I just don't understand it. When people are going through hard times, I feel bad for them, try to help them, atleast understand them. They didn't care. I didn't give them the satisfaction of knowing why I moved her but she needed to heal. She needed time to get mentally well, healthy, and that is my job. Its my job to make sure she is in an environment to do that.

Now I know that people will think well kids have to go through stuff, it makes them stronger. blah blah blah. Not my kid and not when she is going through this. It is my job to protect her. So thats that.

I took her to my doctor and she was put on medication. It did help. She was on it for six months. Has been off of it for almost two years and is a different kid. I honest to God didn't think that she would ever get better. She did. And as my doctor told me "As you get better so will she" which really made me get my ass up and start pushing myself to do whatever I could. Then more the next day, more the next day. We are both better. Thank God. She doesn't have anymore to go, I still struggle but am so much better than I was.

My illnesses effected all of my kids and although I would like to jump off a cliff sometime, lol, well not really. My older daughter was fourteen and my son was 11 with the postpartum depression. They went through hell and I could see the worry in their faces. It was sad and I was dealing with so many illnesses at the time I couldnt even give them advice on how to handle it. My daughter was like a second mom to my little one which is why when she moved it was just another horrible thing in my babies eyes to deal with. My son had an anger issue, but probably has the biggest heart of all of us. He didn't know how to deal either. My husband just pretty much ran. Worked.

This illness is very serious in kids and its the saddest thing I've seen. There is no good way of handling it, just do your best. Be there no matter what. The doctor told me to let her take an album to school with all of our pictures. That made it worse but it may help some kids.

Probably the best thing that I did was to get her a pay as you go cell phone. It calmed her down allot, she had a connection and could get ahold of me at any time. You have to keep your word because if you don't you will be starting over. That comes from experience. If you tell them you will be outside a door, which we had to go over atleast twenty times in the morning, be there. Everytime. I promiss it will get easier. Realize that all they are thinking about all day is where you are what you are doing. My daughter is a couple years over her grade, some kids fall back. Don't feel like a bad parent if they do. You will just have to help them. They aren't thinking about the homework, their minds are scrambling about everything and its hard for them to concentrate.

I couldn't put her in any activities at first she just couldn't take it. But as she started getting better I did and it helped.

Absolutely do not let people tell them to "Just stop it" it doesn't work and it made her worse. It doesn't take much for them to get back to square one. Although i definetely would notify the school, teachers, anyone who could help her in a situation. They should be sympathetic and sincere about it. If they aren't going to be your going to have to take care of it. Some wont be so find the ones who will, if not stick to your kid like glue. I have no idea what you will do if you are working cause I don't think I could have done it.

Family is important although they have to know what the kid has and what not to say around them. Make them realize that these kids worry about everything, even if its not kid stuff. For Gods sake I had to take the bible from my daughter because she was reading her own thoughts into it, thinking she was going to hell for everything. She has it back now. They just over-think everything.

You might want to only let them watch certain things on tv. They think everything is going to happen to them, even if it is just a fiction show. My doctor said not to let her watch anything but cartoons for a while. It worked.

I just asked her what helped her: She said the cell phone, and that she still gets nervous sometimes.

Teach them how to calm themselves down when you are at home with them and it is quiet. Its important and it will help them, although when they are really bad they don't care if they are breathing correctly and it also depends on their age. Its tough. I would walk outside. She wanted to know what side of the house I was going to be on. If I had moved to another side without thinking you could hear her screaming for me. How horrible it must be to be that afraid... So I would have to tell her ok I'm going to the back but might be in the front in a couple of minutes. We started doing breathing and thinking excercises. It was so hard for her. I would tell her what I was going to do so she would know. I told her when you feel the anxiety and fear coming you take a deep breathe and then think "she isn't going to leave me" where did she tell me I would be? breathe go to the other side of the house. She would find me. It took a long time.

She doesn't carry the cell phone anymore, they usually wont use it anyway its just a mental thing. And her teacher was a life saver cause she would let her call me when she was getting anxiety. It goes from nervous, to sick to their stomachs, to full fledged anxiety fast.

Get a support base of people who may not understand but would do whatever it takes for your child. Positive people, older people are great cause most of them are calm and reassuring, like grandparents.

My daughter had to know what was going on from the time she woke up until the time she went to bed, and I couldn't tell her "shit happens" or "what if this happens what do you do?" She would have freaked out. But I got it covered with people without her knowing.

I'm telling you if you are going through this with your child you probably feel like your going crazy. The questions over and over alone really try your patience. Its really hard and just understand how hard it is for them. They are so miserable, they are hurting and we know why but we don't know why. I could tell her I would never leave her she would say I know but what if something happens and your not there. Well then so and so would be here. Well what if they weren't her? It went on for hours and I'm not kidding. She meant it too she wasn't just screwing with me.

Your life becomes their life. You can lay up all night and try to figure out how to fix it or you can realize that this is going to take some time. Go day by day by day.

After a year she started getting a little better. After about a year and a half she was allot better and then I started another phase which I don't know if it was right or wrong but it seemed like this was the time to try to make her a little stronger. I started playing the "what if " game with her. When she would say are you sure that you will be at door number two at 3:14, by the tree. I would say yes. And I told her that we were going to play this game everyday. So I would say but "What if" (start real small) I was standing on the sidewalk instead of by the tree what would happen? Her face would turn red, you could just see that it was messing her up. I said, well what could you do? She wouldn't answer so I would give her something she could do. See they aren't thinking well enough to go that far. I said could you look around for just a couple of seconds and see me on the sidewalk? She said yes, but please don't do that. We played this game and I would slowly progress to "What if I wasn't there at 3:14, what could you do? She could go back inside to her teacher. etc.

Although I played this with her I never did it for almost two years or she would have seriously had a meltdown. she had several when I was thirty seconds late.

It took two years for me to start pulling away a bit. By then her sister and brother moved back to our state which helped allot although it took her a while to even go with them. It sounds crazy to people who aren't going through it but I litterally took one step back from the school door at a time. One step. Eventually, I was almost to the end of the playground. And thank God I have not been in the hospital since.

Today, I take her to school, she rides the bus home!, I don't go to the school and volunteer, I work at a different school and she will ride the bus there! She will go with her sister and brother! She has stayed the night, well threes nights. lol. at a friends house! She goes to our old house with her dad when he is working on it for the people who bought it! Goes to band and gymnastics, still wants us to be there. Stays at my mom and dads. I'm just so happy for her. She is so much better.

To all of you who are going through this I just don't know what to say. It may not take as long. She was really bad. Hang in there and if you need someone to talk to you know just blog me cause I'm sure there are things that I have forgotten to mention. Be patient, dont let people tell you how to do your job, its not their kid or their hell that you are going through. And last but not least, they get better. I never thought she would but I can't believe how far she has come. God Bless You All.

Helping children deal with death, anxiety,seperation

2009-09-29T22:14:00.000-07:00

Well if you have read my blog you know that I suck when It comes to dealing with death. But when your a parent you have to dig deep within and take care of your children. They are hurting probably in a different way and who know what they are thinking or the questions that they have.

Now allot of people told me to take my little one to a counselor. She had severe seperation anxiety, which I hadn't really heard of or ever dealt with. This had to be the hardest thing to watch ever. At first you think that if you just tell them you are not going to leave them, try to explain about death, heaven, they will be alright, but this was something that was not going away. My little one got worse.

God knows that she had reason. I was trying to live for my kids and damaging the hell out of them at the same time especially the young one. I did everything possible to reasure her that all was good, mommie was good, everything was going to be ok. It didn't work and was a couple years of heart breaking agony watching her go through this. She had watched me almost die a couple of times and kids aren't stupid. They listen. They hear. They know.
You can try to keep it from them, hide the horrible stuff, but they are smart and know whats going on.

She had moved to my parents with me, watched all of my illnesses, her big sister moved, her brother moved, her dad was living at our old house, her grandma honey had just died, we moved to a new place, and she started a new school. Just to mention the big things. I have so much guilt over this. Although you try so hard to protect the kids, they are suffering so much. She acted so strong and I think that finally she just broke.

Before I talk about the seperation anxiety I just want to put down a couple of things that may help someone whos child is going through the loss of someone.

1. We live really close to my grandmas old house and pass it everyday. She would cry horrible. At this time she was about 6. She didn't want anyone else living in grandmas house and was angry. I let her write a letter to the owners of the house after talking to them about it. She wrote a long letter and asked them to please take care of her grandma honey's house. She went into specifics, which I think was good therapy for her. How to water the grass, what grandma liked and how she wanted someone to live there who loved the house. She basically asked them to take care of the house. I took her to the mailbox and let her put it in. Which I know your not supposed to do but they were watching. She smiled. Even if you can't put it in the mailbox you can pretend to mail it.

2. This worked good! I take her to get balloons, which her and grandma had talked about. As many as she wants. She writes notes on them and we set them free. She watches very carefully. They go up so far and then you cant see them anymore. She says, "Grandma got it". And is calm again.

3. I was really scared to do this but, when the people got all moved into grandmas they invited us in. I was scared and didn't think I could be strong enough for her. We had damn near lived there for years. But I had to do it. They took us to each room and let her look around. She told them stories about each room. Its weird there wasn't any grandma left there which is the way it is supposed to be I guess. It looked beautiful, grandma would have loved it. I realize that you cant do this with all losses but it helped actually both of us.

4. Eventually, I just had to go all out and try to explain everything to her. She doesn't let things go. I told her my beliefs. That grandma was so happy now. She was playing with her little boy and had so much family in heaven. Went into the pain. etc. At this stage I was still shattered, my gutt would hurt as im consoling her. I did belive what I was saying, but I was still pissed that she left me. Very selfish. I'm told thats a phase you go through I dont know.

5. I let her write letters to heaven for grandma and mailed them, or let her mail them.

6. And after three years of the hell of seperation anxiety she has a full schedule, gymnastics, gate, band, school. Dont give them too much time to think. I had to keep her busy. Although I felt like crawling in bed and crying. Just wanted to sleep. I had to keep her moving, which actually was a big help to me also. I didn't like it though. lol.

7. She made a photo album of her and grandma

8. I let her hang pictures of her. She put one right by where she sleeps. I wasn't sure if that was a good idea. But if they request it then why not. She still looks at it everymorning and is concerned that she is forgettting grandma. So I encourage her to write down things that she remembers about her, anything. She has quite a collection.

9. She still sleeps with the blanket that grandma always used. Thats ok to me. So what. It was actually her blanket and grandma liked it so she let her use it. Now I will admit when grandma first died she wanted to wear one of her big nightgowns and I let her. She wore her nightgown to sleep for about a week and the phase was over. She said that it smells like grandma and "thats all I need"

10. Let them talk, talk, talk, if they will. I didn't know most answers. When I didn't know how to answer I just told her that. It will drive you a little crazy. Our minds are trying to process all of this shit and questions are coming left and right. She was bad with this, I mean all day everyday. So what I did was tell her ok, we are going to talk about anything on your mind, grandma, memories, whatever you want, but only at 6:00 at night. The rest of the day we are going to try real hard to be happy and look for things to be happy about. I was very surprised to hear her agree to that. It worked, everynight we would talk about the same stuff until I thought I was going to go crazy. Everntually the conversation got shorter. Then they stopped. She had either talked it out or found anotherway to cope that was working

I am sure I will think of more but thats a start. She has allot of faith in God and I don't even have to push her. Prayers really helped her, she would say them and then say now what do I say? I told her you say whatever you want to, so she will go on for fifteen minutes. She tells God to say hi to grandma and did she get her balloons, on and on. Seems to really help her and actually I enjoy listening to her.

I never thought she would get better or get rid of the anxiety and sepreation anxiety, but she has. Thank God. Shes doing great. It took a long time. So much patience. But we did it.!!!!

Quick tips for depression

2009-09-25T04:54:00.000-07:00

This is a hard one. If I wouldn't have had family I would have been screwed.
Now I still have depression and manage it, I function. Which is what most people have. But if you have depression to the point of not wanting to live you need to see a doctor.

I know allot of people who refuse to take medication. I personally won't go off of it again. I wish that I was one of the people who could get on it for a year or six months and feel normal again, but I'm not. I have tried going off my medication many times and will try no more. Apparently my brain needs it. I kinda have a rule that will sound stupid. But when you take medication like for anxiety, some people I guess pay big bucks for that stuff for the feeling. I can't tell that I take it so that is how I know that my body needs it. Make sense? Probably not.

There are people who use other things instead of taking pills. I know people who wont take them because you cant drink with them. They would rather drink. Thats their business. For me I take medication.

I was one of those people who had a hard time taking care of myself, yet nobody knew cause I was damn good at hiding it for a long time. I loved to sleep and to be honest when I'm stressed thats what I do sometimes. But I also walk allot now. I swim, ride my bike. This would have been unheard of years ago. And its not that I didn't want to, I just couldn't get the .... I don't know what you call it. My body hurt, my brain hurt. lol. Some people called me lazy. I think that when a person lays in bed for months and doesnt leave the house for months, its not because they want to something is wrong with them.

Just to brag for one sec. lol. My daughter and I were talking yesterday. The older daughter. I told her that I had to get out of the damn house, couldn't stand it anymore. I can't stay indoors all day now. This is the time I've been waiting for. I love to do things, and if I would have known that a walk or swim took this much stress away, I would hope that I would have done it years ago.\
Although when your depressed a walk, shower, anything is a huge effort.

When I first started walking I could only make it a couple of blocks because of my blood clots and my lungs. I went out everyday for two years and went just a little bit more each day. I'm up to two miles a day now! Its been a long road but well worth it. I love to look at the trees, animals, I even look at the rocks. lol. I try to enjoy every piece of that hour I'm walking.

So I guess what I'm saying is that I was about as low as you can get and you can get better. I'm not going to tell you that I feel great everyday. I'm in constant pain, and I truely still struggle with anxiety and depression. But I get my ass up and by God take that walk everyday.
And I stopped when my grandbaby was born and my husband moved down here. It sucked. My stress level went through the roof. So, I started again. I dont care if the roof is falling in I have to take care of myself at this point in my life.

I taught myself to swim last year and found that it is the only thing that doesnt make me sore or hurt my back. Great excercise for those of you with back problems, and has helped anxiety and depression. The hardest part is taking the time for yourself to do it.

When you are so far down that you cant do anything my advice to you would be to take one day at a time. If thats too hard take a half hour at a time. Dont lay in bed awake worrying about things at night. Go ahead and get up. Watch tv or read a book.

My schedule took years to get back. I guess thats ok cause it took years to get so bad. I was and pretty much still am a night owl. I think its the peace and quiet. lol. I had to go from staying up all day and night. Then I would stay up all night and sleep all day. And after a long time I make myself go to sleep, although its usually late, and I make myself stay up during the day.
Now dont think that I just go to sleep, I'm far from that and don't understand how people just go to sleep, although I know I did for the first twenty years. I have to take medication for sleep also. Another crutch.
But if I dont look at the clock when I go to sleep my anxiety level is so much better, I'm not so tired in the morning. Another mind trick to me. If I look at the clock then I sit there and count how many hours of sleep I'm going to get, figure that is not enough for me, and I swear I'm tired in the morning.

I cant tell you how important sleep is to me with my depression. If I don't get sleep I get worse. Sleep is a must and although I say I make myself stay up all day. I will take a nap if i dont feel right. I have to have sleep. And if your not sleeping, you know. I did take stuff like Tylenol pm for years, it worked for sleep. Although some people feel tired the next morning, I did anyway. But eventually my doctor put on medication to sleep. I went through allot of different pills, nothing seemed to work. I now take a muscle relaxer and sleep great. It takes my spasms from my back away and I sleep well most of the time.

Weather has a big effect on me. I need sunshine. Which is actually a fact. The sun gives you a certain vitamin I think it is that is very important. Check into it but I'm pretty sure that you are supposed to get sun between the hours of 10 and 12 am. When it get cold and gloomy so do I. This really isn't in my head although I feel like it is sometimes. I really feel like shit when it is cold. I dont like winter at all and if I was rich I would have a place with palm trees and and ocean for the winters. Yea that would be great! I will tell you that although I know its bad for your skin, I will go to a tanning bed usually in the winter. It makes me feel better, I dont know if its the fake light, the heat, but it does the job.

Little things make people happy if they take the time to do them. I do things that I never used to but have found that it helps. Take my 2 year old nephew for a walk, they find the good in everything. Garden. Play with my dog, God I would have never done that before. Go somewhere with my kids, just little things that take up your day. Try to enjoy them. Make yourself, it takes practice. I have always enjoyed doing things with my kids though, but I take allot more time now to do it. I used to clean, clean, clean. Cook, cook cook, yea thats pretty much over. lol.

Find someone who relates to you and doesnt act like your crazy to talk to when your having a rough time.
Laugh, laugh, laugh. Or cry whatever you feel like.

I think that I live like I think others want me to still. I'm working on it.

For me: Faith in God has helped me more than anything. When nobody else is there for you, he always is.

Another thing that I don't know if other people go through so that bothers me is when I get sick. As in a cold or flu. My depression shoots sky high. It pisses me off. So remember if this happens to you and your getting sick thats why your feeling like your depression is worse. My dad always has to remind me of that.

If you are really depressed right now then your not going to be swimming etc. but talk to yourself. Sounds stupid but it will help after a while. Tell yourself, tomorrows a new day and will be better. The medication takes time. Although, they tell you that you won't feel a difference for like two months. I disagree with that, but thats just me. I could tell in a couple of weeks if it was working or not. Maybe not the full effect but you can feel your head getting a little bit clearer
Last thing I will put down for now is if you are going to have friends during this time, which I hope you have a couple to help you, they have to be positive with you. Hand around people that dont sit there and tell you what your doing wrong, do what your doctor says. Unless they have been through it, I might listen to them. Maybe they were able to find something that might help you. God bless All of you

Quick Tips For Anxiety Attacks;

2009-09-24T23:06:00.000-07:00

This is what has worked for me; I'm sure im forgetting things so please ask questions if I have.

I'm not an expert but I have learned a few things that have actually stopped the full fledged anxiety attacks. I still get anxiety, which is bad enough and wonder if I will ever be off medication.

ANXIETY ATTACKS:

1. First of all, if you are put on medication by a doctor DONT go off of it out of the guilt of being on medication. Its still there believe me.

2. You are not imaginning how bad these things are. I've been through allot and they rank way up at the top of the list. Its awful, but with time, it will get better.

3. I always ask doctors if they have had anxiety attacks before or when I'm in their office. Sounds bad I know but allot of them just look at you with a blank stare. You will know the ones who have by the way they look at you when your describing them. If not ask. Your supposed to be counceled too. I did a couple of times, but found myself more anxious when they started asking all of these personal questions that had nothing to do with it. It may with some people though, I don't know.

4. I did have a lady teach me how to relax my body. Its hard and takes allot of practice but really works. When you lay down, make it a quiet place, you start at your toes. Shut your eyes but in your mind only focus on your toes or your feet. You make them relaxed, almost like they are so heavy that they are going to fall right through the bed. Then your mind will probably start wondering again. So start over. Move up your body, but if your at your arms and your feet are all tightened up again, start over. It will take a while to get it down, but you will not believe how many of your muscles are actually tightened when you think you are relaxed. Its crazy.

5. Everyone is going to have an opinion: This is a rough part cause if they haven't had them then they have no idea what they are talking about and it will make you angry. I personally think that I did myself a favor by telling people what the doctor said that I have because it came from a doctor first of all, and people will be more at ease telling you that they have the same thing or have had. Thats where you will get your little circle hopefully of people that understand. I don't know if there are support groups for this cause I lived out in the boonies so that may be a good idea if there are. And a little attitude will not hurt you. Surround yourself by people who are nice to you and atleast pretend to understand cause your mind cant handle any bullshit gossip.

6. Most people don't like to ask others for help. I mean help doing everyday things that you are not functioning well enough to do. Its important that you get good at that. You dont need to overdue it but if you just cant do something that day you would be surprised to know how many people actually feel good and needed if you ask them to help you.

7. DO NOT try to explain yourself or your decisions all of the time. It made me worse and I'm pretty good at saying NO now. Take a few months and take care of yourself, because your probably the ones that take care of everyone else. When they call and say "Lets go to lunch" and your in the middle of an anxiety attack, then you feel guilty for saying no, but if you go its really going to be bad, on and on. Just say "I would love to some other time but cant today" now some of them will say "Why" well actually thats when you will start going over everything...... Its really not their business.. Your trying to make it through the day. If they do ask why I would just say not today. That is it no more explaining. If they love you or are friends they will understand. If not well now you know who your friends are.

8. You have to learn to breathe. I know that sounds stupid cause it did to me. Obviously I was breathing or I would be dead. ? But we have a tendency to over breathe or hold our breath without even noticing it. Then its too late. And if you do catch yourself already going into anxiety attack, the first thing that you have to tell your brain is

I CAN NOT DIE FROM THESE. And you cant. Your vitals are probably perfect. I myself cuff my hands over my mouth and take five breaths to get the carbon dioxide going, slow your breathing down, which is hard to do if you are hyperventilating, but you can do it.

9. I asked my doctor what the worst thing that could happen would be. She said that I would pass out. Oh great I said. Then she told me that if you do pass out when you wake up your brain is actually in better shape. It has repaired the levels of oxygen, carbon dioxide and you'll be fine till your next one.

10. ok and something I am not proud of but im going to tell you. Sometimes I just cant handle everything. Husband, 23 year old, 21 year old, 9 year old, house work, bills, on and on. I actually do get sick. But its not like a cold sick, I can't explain it. To get myself better, I tell everyone except nine year old. "I cant talk about this now" I truly ask God to just take all of my worries, I will fake being sick just to get to go into a quiet room and take a nap without any noice. I actually will lie or fib whatever to get away from everyone and sleep. I don't do that very often anymore but oh boy I used to. And you know what? So what. I felt better when I got up and was ready to take some of it on.

The last time I saw her;

2009-09-21T22:32:00.000-07:00

I hurried back to the hospital, they were getting ready to move her to another room. When I walked in she said "Get me out of this bed and lets go home." I said, "Well grandma, I was going to go to the cafeteria and get some fruit for us to eat" I swear to God I was in shock. She said "Oh, you act so busy when you come here! We can get fruit at any corner store on the way home!" I knew I was going to have a hard time. I called my mom and told her that I had never seen Grandma like this. She was a completely different person. I was probably the right person to be there though because I know how pain effects you and I could certainly turn on people when I was going through things.
She wanted to go home and to be honest I was wishing that we would have never taken her to the hospital. It sounds bad, but it wasn't doing any good, she was getting worse. I couldn't have lived with myself if we wouldn't have taken her to the hospital though. So there she was.
She would always make us do her hair, nails, feet, just make sure that "If something happened to her she would be clean." She would say that she needed clean clothes just incase. I would always tease her and tell her that the first thing she was going to do is shit her pants so it wouldn't matter. A good way to make her smile.
Grey shiny hair, she was so full of fluid, and moaning. Horrible pain, uncomfortable, just plain miserable. I would go out of the room or into her bathroom wanting to throwup. She didn't even care how she looked.
She woke up and told me that the color of the walls was awful. So unlike Grandma. She didn't like the picture hanging on the wall. And now I had to put a mask and little cover over my body everytime I was around her or went out of the room.?????
They had warned all of us that she was contagious which in hindsight probabaly made her feel worse. We had so many babies in the family and everyone was being consious. She probably felt like she wasn't important cause everyone wasn't coming to see her.
So that night she told me that she wanted to go home and to help her out of the bed. I lied to her and told her that my husband was coming down to get the locks off of the bed because there were locks on the rails so that she wouldn't fall out. She got mad at me. Grandma had never talked to me like that. I was in shock. She said, "Well then I will just get out by myself. Out of all of the people, you won't even help me!" I told her that he was on his way but I knew that she was too weak to get out of bed. She had been laying there for too long. But she was hell bent on trying. It was sad. She grabbed the railings and started pulling herself to one side. She kept telling me to help her. I thought I would use the excuse of my back and I told her I couldn't with my back. She just hated me right then. I feel bad for something that I said to her. I said " You will just have to do it yourself cause I don't want you to fall and get hurt." I should have just taken ahold of her and acted like I was trying to help her get up! She might have went for that, but she was so mad at me. Once I saw that she had one leg through the railing and was going to get stuck i started pushing the nurse button. I can remember just standing there... It was like slow motion. I had never seen her like this.
The nurses weren't coming so I don't know what made me move except she was going to get up and she was pulling on the IV. I had all of the shit on that I was trying to get off. The gloves, mask, etc. I tried but didn't have time. I took off down the hall and told anyone who would listen that they better get in there or she was going to be on the floor.
When they got to the room I liked how they handled her. They asked her if she needed to go to the bathroom and she lied and said yes. lol. They did try to let her get up and it was the last time I saw grandma fight or try to do something. She tried so hard, layed back down, and said I just can't. She had given up. I kept telling the nurse to please check her heart rate etc. that I could see her chest rising and then It would stop. When she would breathe, you could see her chest rise then like bounce. The nurse told me that she could tell what it was by watching it.?? And that they were monitoring her from another room so they would know if she was going in cardiac arrest. Made me feel better. I guess. Also, pissed me off that she didn't check when I asked her to.
I left the next morning. She was still mad at me for not taking her home. The last night together and we didn't even talk. She was so sick. I tried to talk to her. Her favorite tv show was on. She just turned away.
The next morning I told her that I was going to go check on the neighbors house and cat. She probably thought I was lying. I knew that she was not there when she asked me if I had any ko's she called them. Tampons for short.?? What?? I told her no. She said well will you go get me some and then go look at the art, it beautiful. I told her I would. And do you know, I don't even remember kissing her goodbye, or telling her how much I really loved her. That makes me sick. Was I afraid of catching something? Did I do it? I cant remember.
I got home and couldn't find the neighbors damn cat. Finally found it. Then their pond had stopped working so I called a guy about it. Went and got my little one. Came into my house, sat on my bed, and called the hospital. This was the absolute worst minute of my life....
Asked to speak to Grandmas nurse to see how she was. A nurse got on the phone and I told her who I was. She said, "Um yes we have been trying to get ahold of her son, she has been in cardiac arrest for two minutes and they are working on her" my heart was beating through my chest, my body was going numb, pictures of grandma laying there getting cpr were going through my head. I told the nurse that she had a dnr and she said that she didn't have that down. I just hung up.
Called my friend to come get my daughter, pretty much threw her in my neighbors house, called mom and my uncle while driving to grandmas house. My aunt was there, flew into the house and I was screaming but don't know what I was saying, ran to grandmas neighbors and they came to watch my aunts kids. It didn't take me long to get there, but too long.
I pulled up to the hopital, took off running and went to the wrong door. I had just had the clots not long before then so I guess I wasn't looking good. Ran to the other door and saw my mom and dad. They were just standing there! Why wasn't anyone in there with grandma? They told me that she was on life support and they were waiting for the doctors to get done so that we could see her. I fell to my knees, started crying like I have never cried before. It came from my gutt and I couldn't stop. My mom put her oxygen on me.
When we went in she wasn't in her room. She was in the emergency room?? OH MY GOD .... She was laying there with this hose in her mouth, which would have scared her to death. She hated anything over her face. The pounding of my heart kept getting louder, I could hear it in my ears. I was looking around at people and wondering why everything was going so slow, somber.
Her body was going into seizures every minute or so.. Absolutely the worst thing ive ever seen. If she would have just been laying there. But her body would jump and shake. It looked painful, but I wasn't sure that she was even with us. I still don't know. Could she hear us? Feel us? What was she thinking? Was she in pain? I still wonder these things.
I asked my mom why she was on life support. Can she come back to us? But, it was for a whole other reason. Grandma had put a part in her living will I guess you call it that she would be on life support for three days.
I was confused: How could you just let someone lay there in seizures for three days. Then your also thinking shes there, your able to touch her, very selfish thoughts but I was thinking them. I couldn't stand it, everone said their goodbyes. I sat and held her hand. Studied her face somemore, then whispered in her ear as I was rubbing my hand through her soft gray hair. I told her " Who am I going to talk to now?" Then I found myself trying real hard not to be selfish. "Go ahead grandma, go to your baby, I will see you soon." "I know your tired, I love you, and your my best friend." "Go ahead grandma, everyone will take care of eachother" "Just let go, this is too much for you" "I love you, and I will miss you so much. Thank God I had you in my life" "Goodbye Grandma."
And I was shattered, my heart was empty.
The crying was uncontrollable.
The kids all had to sign some paper saying that if she had another heart attack that the doctors could just let her go. I couldn't go back. And I have a horrible guilt for that. Very selfish.
I truely believe that she waited for everyone to come say bye. The phone rang two days later, she was gone. Relief? Yes. The waiting... wondering... watching her seizing in my dreams. It was over.

My grandma used to call my daughter, sugar baby. And my daughter called my grandma "Grandma honey". When I told my daughter she said that she knew I was just joking and lets go see grandma honey. It took two days for her to believe me. Heart breaking. The start of seperation anxiety... what a nightmare.
Ok so thats all I'm going to right about my grandma and her death. I thought I would feel better after writing it. Maybe I do, as the tears are running down my face. I'm going to do my best to remember all of the good times and to remember that she is happy, not sick, and that I will see her soon.
I took my daughter to the beach a few weeks later. It had been planned for a long time and grandma didn't want us to go. But in the last few months she told me that she wanted me to go and that she never wanted her sugar baby to be sad. So we went, sat on the beach, and then went and looked at some art, and it was beautiful!

1st night with grandma: Holding on

2009-09-20T21:43:00.000-07:00

Driving there with a thousand thoughts going through my mind. What to say? How to act? Like she wouldn't know if I was acting funny. We still really didn't know what was wrong with her but I didn't want her to be alone. She was always the person that thought about everyone else. It surprisied me when she told me that I had to sleep in the chair right next to her. Which was fine, I told her I would. But she would never have done that. She knows with my back and rod in my spine that it was impossible. Thats the thing though. When you get soo sick you don't care and she had been through that with me so it was my turn. She talked different. Very negative and kinda mean. I had never seen her like this but I just went with it.
She had felt for the last year that she couldnt remember things good, was forgetting names, it really bothered her. They had said that she was in the early stages of something. I cant remember the name. It wasnt alzheimers, but something like that. It really bothered her. The time she was in before they were giving her these "tests" she called them. And would start crying and get so anxious because she either thought she didn't do good or couldn't remember the questions. What the hell! I know its probably procedure but when its one of yours its different.
I didn't eat, i was so sick to my stomach. I would see her get a little better, then worse, she sounded like she was having conjestive heart failure. Aweful sound coming from her lungs or chest when she would breathe.
This night was kinda a blur. I remember thinking how much I loved her, but yet how horrible she must be feeling. I felt sorry for her. And had the gall to feel sorry for myself because I might lose her. I was good with her, but inside was very selfish and would have done about anything to keep her in my life.
I asked her "What would I do without you?" She said "Oh you'll be fine" Almost like she was trying to piss me off. Like she was trying to push me away. I sat there and studied every feature on her hands, which I loved. I studied every feature of her face. Her perfect eyebrows, lips, nose, everything. She was just one of those older ladies that was beautiful. Maybe even prettier as she aged. I always told her "Your so pretty grandma" she would just say shoot hunny now quit. lol.
You know the sad thing that I can't get over. No matter how hard I studied her features, so that I would never forget her, I am. Of course I will never forget her but the memories of her face, smile, giggle, are starting to fade and that makes me sick. Maybe thats the way it supposed to be? So that you move on. And another thing that bothers me is that you think that you can't ever live without someone who is so special, but you do. And I have went through a guilty phase for that. Its almost like if you start to forget about them, then that is saying that they weren't that important to you, and thats sad to me.
I told her that I was watching my neighbors house and cat and had to run home and check on it and feed the cat. She really didn't want me too. But I reassured her that I would be right back. I told her that I had to check on my little one, which I knew she would want me to do and maybe that would hold her off for a while. I don't remember driving home, I don't remember anything. Just driving back and in a hurry. Almost like I knew something was going to happen.

Struggling to write; Before the death of my friend, grandma, angel

2009-09-17T21:04:00.000-07:00

I know that I have spoken allot about my grandma and how she helped me through the hard times. I wish she was here. Although I'm sure that she is glad she is with he little boy that she lost so young, her husband, brothers, sisters, mom and dad and so on. I have went through alot of different moods and emotions when it comes to here death but it was by far the hardest night of my life. I can go through stuff, but I hate to see others in pain. I do NOT handle death good at all. I suppose for selfish reasons. I get close to very few people but the ones that I do; I want around forever. So please bare with me, I am going to write this whole blog on my grandma and her death. The worst day of my life July17, 2006. I hope the date is right. Sometimes it seems it has been forever, then other days it seems she was just here. I moved a few blocks from her on purpose when I had to move from the blood clots. And I know that when I'm talking about how special she is most of you probably think, well so was my grandma. But I'm going to do my best at this and it may take several days to complete so be patient please.

As a child most of my memories are with her. Not because I didn't have good parents. She was the one who watched me and my three brothers while my parents worked. She was the most beautiful woman I had ever saw. Dark Black hair, perfect face, calm as an angel. She gained weight when she lost her little boy at the age of 3 or 4. She was still beautiful. Inside and out. I used to hug her and try to get my arms wrapped all the way around her. She gave us birthday parties every night that we stayed the night so we wouldn't bother papa. I used to watch her pick fuzz off of socks when they got out of the dryer for hours. She used to let us pick rubarb out of the neighbors yard and dip it into sugar. She always had breakfast, lunch, and dinner on, which after papa died and she never really cooked allot i figured that it may have just been expected of her, I dont know if she loved it? The most important thing about my grandma was that from the time I was little till the time she passed away, she never, once, made me feel like I was in her way, bothering her, putting her out, i was always welcome and even if she was tired of me she never showed it. My parents used to take us to church every weekend and I never asked but later in life grandma told me that she was so mad at God for so long for taking her little boy. She didn't understand. I guess I would feel like that too. She wasn't hateful about it, and I think she really wanted God in her life. And he was. She used to read the bible to me everynight when I was sick out of proverbs. Until my nerves were bad. lol. And of all the things she could leave me when she died, she left me her bible. What a blessing. And it made my heart feel good when I went through it. She never lost her faith, there were pictures of everyone who had gotten sick in the family, letters, things to remember. I will cherrish it forever, although i do have to tell you I have only opened it once. Maybe someday.

I think that I used to talk to my grandma atleast five times a day as a teenager and into my twenties. She always answered. lol. Grandma did everything for everyone. Her family was her life. And she was our life. She held everyone together, and would be disappointed if she knew how it was now. But would understand. She loved being in the womens' club and throwing parties. lol. She loved to laugh and have fun. And second best thing between me and grams was that she was the one person in my life that completely knew me..... I could dance, sing, act like I was funny, never ever had to act like I was someone else around her. Boy. do I miss that.

I moved into this house in september, grandma came over with our help and probably a liitle coaxing. I was just trying to get her out of the house. She hadn't been out in sooo long. Well, it was aweful. She didn't say that but me and my husband were helping her up our little stairs in the front and it sounded like her bones were breaking when we would even put our hands under her arms to help her up. I never again asked her to come over or pushed her to get up. It was a horrible sound and very sad.

In the next months she would lay in bed, she had one of those hospital beds in her frontroom. She was so sick. One thing after the other. She had high blood pressure, and diabetes at the end. Every pill had a side effect and was taken care of by another pill. I tried to make her laugh, but it didn't happen often now. I tried to make her want to live, but i think she had lost her will. She had her dog, which I swore saved her life when papa died, but I'm not sure she even worried about him anymore. Very sick. Thank God she had also given us her dog. I think that he has saved us. Just a little part of grandma. He ran to her house from mine for about a month. It was sad. Not so much anymore though. He is old but still something to hold onto.

The last time we took her to the hospital they had to transport her to a different city. about thirty minutes from here. At the hospital she was talking to me. I can remember trying to tease her. She told me never to let my little one be sad about her. I asked her to please fight grandma, please, what will I do without you. She sighed and said, "I'm not worth shootin" That used to be her little saying. I said "But who will be my best friend? Who will talk to me?" "She said, "I'm ready to go." I just ignored her.

She was transferred by ambulance and seemed to get worse right away. This first time I went in to see her, it was horrible. It wasn't even like grandma. I decided to stay a couple of nights with her after a few days. It was weird she would go from cardio, to neuro, to this and that. All over the hospital. The they told us that we had to wear a gown and mask to get into see her, I thought It was to protect her. But as Im writing I remember that she had something. Cant remember what it was. Her temperature was crazy, up and down. I was really worried about her heart. I could see her breathing and it looked like she was having allot of trouble. She was a tough woman too. I had never heard her moan like this. Just makes your stomach hit the floor. Grandma had survived breast cancer, something in her throat, both knees were operated on, both ankles had screws in them, she had her spine fused.
Just something she laughed about all of the time; A guy came over to check on her oxygen or some equiptment she was on at her house. I was in the kitchen and she said to him, "My family thinks that I have more than one screw loose. Do you think thats right?" He got so mad and said that was aweful for us to say. I made her tell him that she actually did have a real screw loose in her ankle, actually both ankles and he settled down. She laughed about that for a year. lol.

This first night I was at the hospital: to be cont. cant take anymore for the night.

"Your going to die a young woman" Again? Really?

2009-09-15T21:43:00.000-07:00

Driving, feeling sharp pain under ribs. Its probably gas. lol. Maybe anxiety? Heading to grandmas. Trying to figure out how I'm going to get her to go to the hospital. I always felt allot better once I got into grandmas town. Elevation change ya know. So I get there and talk to her and pretty much tell her that I'm going to call the ambaulance. She hated when I did that. After papa died I don't ever really think she had the drive to live. She would alway say "When I go" or "I'm ready to go" I hated that. She was my wisdom, friend, grandma, angel from heaven. She held us together. We all had her in common. We all loved her.

She was giving me that look.... I walked outside and felt weird. I sat down on the cement. I remember it was warm. Got the strength to go back in and sat on her floor. I was looking at her, and thinking at the same time i need to get to the hospital. I finally just said "Um guys I need to go to the emergency room." I don't know if they thought I was just shitting them or what. I don't know who I left my little one with, although I knew she was being taken care of . I got in my car and drove to the hospital.

Well if you remember from the blood clots story, at first they had told me it was my gallbladder. Yep thats what it was. The only good thing about blood clots is if you tell them you have a history of it. Trust me you don't sit in the waiting room. lol.

The surgery should have been a piece of cake. But no not with me. Since I had the blood clots and im not sure if I was still on cumadin to thin my blood. But it had to be thin and then after words they had to put something in it so that I wouldn't get clots again. It was one of the best hospital visits I ever had.

Guess who was in the room next to me? Grandma. I had my surgery, let them get my blood right and then went next door. I feel bad, I dont know what was wrong with her that time. But I went next door and said "Hi Grandma, guess who is in the room right next to you?" she smiled. She said "Hunny, shouldn't you be in bed getting ready for surgery?" I said "No, I'm done now lets get out of here. Hurry and get your clothes. I was acting like I was just going to take her out of there" Its silly but I felt good having her close to me. We both were in there several days. And the best part is that everyone always brought grandma stuff to hospital, she loved presents. And she would say "Well, thats sad, dont you think you should get tammy something." So I got gifts too!!!lol.

This was the only time I've been in the hospital where I was speechless. Mad. Confused???
The doctor that was doing my surgery told me that I was going to die a young women if I didn't get into a lower altitude. He was kinda rude about it, but maybe thats what I needed. He said that with my history my organs were just going to keep failing. Pissed my husband off. Of course he loves the mountains. I was wrong no matter what I did. "How does he know how you feel in the altitude?" well, I feel like shit I said. I walk around a big house by myself on oxygen all day and wait for you to get home. That didn't go over well. lol.

Never went back home for more that a few hours. Back at moms. What the hell was going on? Its an awful thing to be trying to please everyone and not make anyone mad or have to make hard decions. I took it a day at a time. My parent never really got into anything or told me what to do, but they were very insistant that I stay in a lower altitude. Which is not as simple as it seems.

Every other house is in forclosure and we are going to try to sell our house.? We stayed at my parents and my husband would come down like once a week. It was hard.

I realized that I had to get better and healthier, in order to make better, healthier, decisions. It took almost a year. Then I told my husband, I have to get a life! A home! As I'm writing this, I remember how mad I was at him for not being with us. Working all the time. But now I'm thinking what a burden that was to put on him. Now he was going to be paying for two houses? I wanted him to move down with me, but I think, well i know, that he was trying to wait it out. Let my lungs and body get healthier, so I could move home.

My 6 year old was going through horrible seperation anxiety, which I didn't even know of. It was horrible. I'm so glad that she is doing better. She had a rough couple of years and is the type of kid who doesn't think like a kid. She has to understand everything, you can't hide anything from her. Eventually I had to get her a doctor. Just broke my heart. The shit everyone was going through over me and I'm not feeling sorry for myself. Seriously, It was horrible to sit by and watch all who I loved going through hell and I couldn't do anything about it. I could help my daughter but It took two years to get her better. My doctor told me as I get better, she will get better. And she was right. Thank God.
But going through this with her, helping my grandma as much as possible, trying to start living again, functioning again, gave me inner anger that I would have to realease at some point. And All of it finally came out the week my grandma died.

My Living Will

2009-09-14T23:43:00.000-07:00

text I received today

MY LIVING WILL

Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her

"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.

If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my wine.

She's such a bitch.....

Total Fear of returning home; "Our dream home" God how I loved it but...

2009-09-10T20:07:00.000-07:00

Well it was time to move home. I was scared! I knew that my husband would be working all of the time. It was very hard moving out of a comfort zone. My house was about an hour from my parents. I loved my home and missed it sooo much. But I had barely lived through blood clots and it was a risk. To be honest I dont even know why I took it. It was my kids home, it was our dream home, that my husband built from ground up for us. But it was a good 40 minutes from the closest doctor or hospital. My gut was telling me how stupid it was but in my own way I knew how much everyone had gone through for years with me being sick and I wanted to just make their life normal again.
I cried like a baby when I went home. But it was so good to be there again. Now I started noticing right away that I couldn't breathe well. I was put on oxygen which sucked so bad. I was what? 35 on oxygen walking around. Alive, but on oxygen. I couldn't really leave my house unless I went to a lower elevation so as I got a little better I would drive to grandmas or moms. It was stupid. I would stay for a week at a time.
Oxygen was like 500 a month up at my house. I layed in bed allot. Just like before. Pretty much in the middle of nowhere. Which I used to love. But i was scared now. If I got blood clots again, I had pretty much no chance of surviving from that far away. Here comes the anxiety big time. Pure fear.
The smell of my own house. Looking out the window at the beautiful mountains, fields of green grass. Always deer, elk, all kinds of wildlife. I tried, but it was really taking a tole on me. See when you go to a higher altitude your blood gets thicker. Which is ok unless you just had multiple clots in both of your lungs. I kept thinking I was going to get better. My heart felt like it was beating out of my chest all of the time. I didn't understand. It was explained to me that I had so much scar tissue in each of my lungs that my heart had to work so much harder to get oxygen to it. So oxygen goes through a layer to put get into your blood, but mine had to go through several because of the scar tissue. They said that it could take up to ten years for my lungs to heal. Could I live like this for that long? Did I want to? What to do?
Sounds like a pretty easy answer right?

Ten years earlier; Driving to the property that we had always dreamed of having. Yellow sunflowers lined both sides of the dirt road to it. We sat on the hill to see where the sun would hit at each time of the day. Watched all of the wildlife. It was like heaven. We had our dream house planned. Material things yes. Still important, I had allot of good times there, happy times. But yet, in the end I had to make a choice that would effect my children, husband, our lives. How lucky we were. We had enough money to pay for the property which had a pond on it, ten acres, it was beautiful. Lots of people thought we were crazy to pay what we did for that property. But we had always wanted it. Well just like life, you hit alot of obstacles. You always run into things that you didn't expect, when it comes to expenses. Right as the roof was going up the hurricane hit. Lumber prices trippled and needless to say, the loans started building.
Never the less, we raised two kids there and our little one for about four years. It was a place where everyone was always welcome. My kids always had friends there and it was far enough out of the little town. Just right. We had great times. I enjoyed every moment I had with my children there.Well until they became teenageers. lol. no really. I was going to live there forever. I'm not a person who likes change and never ever thought that I would leave my home. I used to tell my husband "If you are planning on selling this one, your leaving without me. lol" And now I was the one who needed to move.

When I went home I was happy to be there but scared to death. All of the what ifs started. What if I pass out from lack of oxygen and my little one is here alone.?? on and on. And who was there for me?? I thought everyone would miss me. Would come see me. Come help me or just visit. Another great lesson in life. Don't think that you are too important to people. Very good lesson for me. Just because they are important to me doesn't mean I am to them. In their defense everyone has their own family, responsibilities, commentments, lives. I felt sorry for myself cause nobody was there for me. But it really wasn't their responsibility. Although, I will tell you. This lesson also taught me to always be there for people who need me. I do my best. And I would have never made it through it if it wasn't for my kids, dad and mom, grandma, a couple friends, and although I have held a huge, silent grudge cause my husband was always at work, he in his own way was there.

Our house was big. I couldn't keep up with it. Just not enough oxygen. We were at about 7000 ft. in elevation. I started slipping back into deep depression, fighting like hell everyday, not to ever go to that dark
place again. I used to set there and look. Just look. I loved that place. I had a memory for every single spot in that house. I loved the property. But as time went on, I don't know. I just didn't know what to do. I knew that if we were forced to move due to my health it was going to be a huge deal. We were broke from doctor and hospital bills. Which makes you feel oh so much worse when your laying there in bed. I truely felt like my husband felt that I had caused all of this harship and recented me for it. He says no. But how could he not? And I did, I was sick for so long. It makes it so much harder when your racking up medical bills and can't even help pay for them. Im sure that he recented me and then I recented him for recenting me. Confusing.
My parents and grandma lived at about 5000 ft elevation. Which is weird that it made such a huge difference but I pretty much ran down here every chance I got.
It may have saved my life. I didn't need oxygen.
And I will tell you something that is kind of embarrassing because I don't know how many people have these feelings. But, when I thought it was going to snow. I took off. It didn't hardly snow where grandma was. I mean it freaked me out. Anxiety got out of control. I felt clastophobic, stranded. Alone, desperate. And I was raised in the snow. I drove in snow my whole life. I jsut dont understand. Also, the cold weather really started getting to me. I absolutely began to hate it. I swear it was harder to breathe. At grandmas only fifty minutes away it was alway aboout 15 degrees warmer. My whole marriage I never went anywhere without my husband, and now i was running constantly.
When I would get to lower elevation it was like something heavy was being lifted off of my chest. I didn't need oxygen. I loved it here. But I missed my house. And I know its just material; its the memories that get me.
I had never really been in a city. this is by no means a big city but it has everything you need. I was used to driving an hour to even get groceries. It was kina nice. I liked hearing neighbors for the first time. Made me feel better, which is weird cause I used to get so mad when someone would build a house around ours in the country. lol.
I like talkig to people and my daughter playing with the neighborhood kids. Little things, that made my life so much easier and my anxiety so much better.
At this time as I was going back and forth i felt good about it cause I felt good at the lower altitude. My grandma was getting sick though, she had allot of things wrong with her. So this was my chance; I took care of her. I loved being with her. It was sad though, she started just functioning, trying to make it through the day. I would try to make her laugh, she would. But you could tell it was jst for me. She also had a back surgery, and I'm sure that she never was the same.
So was trying to help grandma, kept going back and forth, and got a call. My grandma was really sick but wouldn't go to the doctor. She hated when I would come because she know I would call the ambulance. lol. So went down to get grandma to the doctor, well God had a different plan for me.

Touching story about a 5 year old girls first paycheck/ email i received today

2009-09-08T06:53:00.000-07:00

Subject: 5 year old's first job

(This is touching!!!)

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fuckin' sheet rock..."

The right to have firearms?? What do you think?

2009-09-07T10:54:00.000-07:00

I received this in email today and although its not really about my life I like to share some of the emails that I get. So tell me what you think. ? First, I should tell you that we have guns, I have never killed anyone. I do not like war. But I love our soldiers. My son is one of them.

THE EMAIL WAS CALLED FIREARMS REFRESHER COURSE.

1. "Those who hammer their guns into plows will plow for those who do not." ~Thomas Jefferson
2. Those who trade liberty for security have neither. ~John Adams
3. Free men do not ask permission to bear arms.
4. An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a subject.
5. Only a government that is afraid of its citizens tries to control them.
6. Gun control is not about guns; it's about control.
7. You only have the rights you are willing to fight for.
8. Know guns, know peace, know safety. No guns, no peace, no safety.
9. You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.
10. Assault is a behavior, not a device.
11. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday.
12. The United States Constitution (c) 1791. All Rights Reserved.
13. The Second Amendment is in place in case the politicians ignore the others.
14. What part of 'shall not be infringed' do you NOT understand?
15. Guns have only two enemies; rust and politicians.
16. When you remove the people's right to bear arms, you create slaves.
17. The American Revolution would never have happened with gun control.

Remembering ICU- pulmonary emboli

2009-09-06T16:01:00.000-07:00

I don't remember a whole lot about the rest of that night. I do remember seeing myself in the bed. Watching myself. But I didn't die, so I don't know how I was watching myself. Its wasn't like I thought It would be if you were dying .I was looking, not worrying, not wondering, it was just peaceful.

When I woke up I remember thinking, "What am I even doing here?" enough is enough. Then my dad, mom, husband, and kids came in. That's what I'm here for. Although to be honest, I still kinda had a gloomy feeling about being there. But the day I woke up I thought allot. And although I know your not supposed to, I slipped into the, "Why is all of this happening to me?" What is it that I am supposed to do with my life? And I feel really bad because for moments when my family came in, i still didn't feel like I had anything to look forward to. I'm very blessed. I'm alive. I have a great family, well you know all families are a little nuts. lol. I went through horrible sadness, frustration, anger. I had life choices to make and really didn't want to at the time. What is it that Joel Osteen says?" Don't be a victim be a victor. I don't know why I have had all of this happen to me, but there is a reason and I just need to stick my heels in and push forward.

But let me tell you; There were hundreds of times in the past few years even before this , I struggled to even get out of bed. Eat. I could have slept for a year and wouldn't have cared. In fact I loved to sleep. I would go days without taking a shower. I found it very hard to even function.

Now by all means I wasn't brave inside but had to act like it for the kids and family, when they left I just remember asking for and kind of preacher, priest, someone who could help me cause my beliefs were going to crumble. They asked what religion I was and I told them. They said well our priest isn't in this late, we can call him. I told them to please get anyone up there. In my eyes they are all men of God. I just needed some reassurance. I don't know what I needed.
And I remember them standing and praying over me allot. I was having a hard time focusing. I was literally so scared. It was all touch and go I could be good one minutes and bad the other.

ICU was good. There were only certain hours for visitors and I think that I needed that. Everyone has advice and my mind was too tired. I should have done this, that. I shouldn't have done this, that. You know everyone is just trying to help. They really don't know what to say or do and don't' realize that sometimes its nice to just have someone sit there. Just sit. No talking.

I remember them bringing the phone into me and my mom was telling me that my little one was at the doctor and she was sick. I don't know what happened but something did on the monitors cause the nurse came in and took the phone and I was asked not
to talk on it for the rest of the day. It made my heart rate go too high. I acted like it bothered me but it really didn't. Any bad news, good news, it was all stress to me. Its a weird feeling when you feel like your mind can't handle anything else.

The routine was stressful. Heparin to keep my blood thin, everything you eat either clots or thins your blood it seems like. You can't get well without eating. I guess. Blood work constantly, all night, every night. They kept me in ICU for about two weeks. And I was happy about that cause I didn't know what I was doing. The nurses were great. But something happened there that still bothers me....

A doctor came in who wasn't my doctor just the one who had that shift. He gave me a pill and an aspirin. Now I do have to tell you that from all of these experiences I watch things closely, doesn't matter how close to death I am. I ask allot of questions, and I'm sure drive them crazy. Anyway, next thing I know my doctor comes in in his camouflage, Definitely not working that day but was checking on me. I immediately told him what they gave me, an estrogen pill and an aspirin, and that i told them that i wasn't suppose to have estrogen. They had already gave me that lecture and told me that I would just have to go through the menopause without anything.

Next thing I know, my doctor goes out and I could see everything through my window. He starts throwing crap everywhere. The other doctor is yelling, my doctor walks out. oops I started something.

So a couple hours later someone who i swore to God I would never say came in and knelt by my bed. She said if you ever say that I said this I will deny it. I told her that I wouldn't. She said very simply, "You know, you do have the right to ask for the doctors manual or handbook for the medications." and walked out. I didn't know what was going on and asked the nurse if I could use the phone. I called my doctor that I have went to for years and told her what had happened and what I should do. She told me never to take estrogen, that's probably what gave me the clots in the first place.

I waited for the next shift and politely asked for the doctor medicine handbook. It may not be called that. Any way I go to what they gave me and it says more or less never to give to someone with blood clots and something about a ridiculous chance it would give me more. why would that doctor do that. ? Are the doctors fighting about who's the smartest.? I didn't know. but when that doctor came in the next morning I told him never to give me it again. He said well I gave you aspirin to thin your blood also. I told him again. never.

Later a nurse showed me my papers which I requested to see and there was obviously a big fight going on one page had a big sticker NO ESTROGEN; It even went clear to the board I guess and there was a paper in there from the pharmacy that said NO ESTROGEN.

HOW FAST THEY CAN SAVE YOUR LIFE AND HOW FAST THEY could KILL YOU with a little pill!!!!

I had a small chip on my shoulder after a week or so and told everyone when I say I'm sick I'm sick. Several people have told me "Your always sick". Yea and I really enjoy it. I know that there are a few people who say they are sick all of the time. But the reality is, most people would not lay in a bed for months, and want to go to emergency rooms, and swear that there was something wrong with them if there isn't.

My dad. Oh how lucky a person could be. I never woke up in ICU when my dad wasn't sitting by my bed. My mom had my kids, and that was a huge job. My daughter saw me almost die, they were all going through there own separate little hell. I never thought that my husband cared much, but he is just the type of person that doesn't show emotion real well.
My mom took care of us for several more months. Probably 6. I was on cumadin for six months and my dad would take me to town and have my blood drawn three times a week.

When you have blood clots everything is affected. Everything that I liked to eat, I couldn't. The kinda rule of thumb was if its green it will make your blood clot. I still remember my doctor telling me that i could have a teaspoon of iceberg salad with dinner???? crazy. So many things clot your blood. You learn though.

Final real advice that I received was never to move back up to my house where the altitude was so high. Well that left allot of options. I was about to kill my mom. She is sick anyway. I had our dream home up there, kids, a husband, his job. Our life. What the hell was I going to do. My husband was so mad he didn't understand it at all. But it all made since once I moved home.

"You have ten minutes" I'm dying

2009-09-04T06:32:00.000-07:00

I got up and went to bed. Feeling bad cause it was my anniversary, and I didn't care. Wasn't going to wake up. Got up and put my moms oxygen on thinking I was going to save my own life and was really tired. Weird feeling, slipping into sleep, telling everyone, somethings wrong! I'm not going to wake up take me to the hospital. Now in their defense, I had just gotten out of the hospital and wanted to go back. They said that they didn't want me to catch something at the hospital, my system was weak. It was flu season.It was going to be ok. I was not stopping. "Take me to the hospital or I'm calling the ambulance." I started falling asleep while dad was getting dressed to take me. I wasn't going to wake up.... My little one ran up on me and bumped me which jarred me and I woke up. Out of the blue she said "Take mommy to the hospital."
My oldest daughter insisted on going which was a huge mistake, but I was too sick to argue. So we got to the emergency room and I told them what was going on. That I felt like I wasn't breathing good, something is wrong. I feel like I'm not going to wake up everytime I start to go to sleep. My chest feels like I can't get a good breathe. On and on.
So the nurses put the regular things on me to check vitals and so on. They were all good, everything was fine.
I wasn't giving up. I had to turn into my little bitch mode. I told the nurse well give me something to go to sleep and watch what they do!!!!! I could see my dad and daughters face getting red. They knew I was getting pissed. The nurse leaves.
Doctor comes in and tells me that hes sure I'm having an anxiety attack and everything is fine they are going to give me something to settle down and it may make me sleepy. I was pissed but in my own way was getting what I wanted. I needed to make sure that when I went to sleep, I was still breathing. Started getting groggy. But it was a different feeling.
Went and got several tests. I was thinking about all the money this was going to cost.
Here came the doctor again and said that he found the problem. I had gall stones and one of them was completely blocking my gallbladder. I don't remember reacting. Looked at my dad, daughter, sister-in-law. They had tired, relieved faces. It was in the middle of the night. Maybe that's why they were tired, or maybe they were tired of me being in the hospital, not sure. Probably both. But I was right, something was wrong. But what about my breathing? They were sticking to the anxiety attack. So I got pissy again. "I have had anxiety attacks for 15 years! I know what they feel like! This isn't it! Just relax. So now another surgery for gallbladder, great.
I was tired of waiting, had my sister-in-law go see what was going on. She leaves.
The noises of the machines..... Oxygen level was dropping, looking straight into daughters eyes she looked scared.
I told them.
Doctor comes in followed by sister-in-law and several nurses, what are they all running for. Nurses moving quickly around room. Family looking startled. Doctor says, "This is how people die" you have lots of blood clots in both of your lungs, "We are giving the medicine ten minutes, if its not better you will have to be flown out on flight for life and we will have to put you on life support!" Rolling fast down hospital hall, groggy, nurses telling me drink, drink, hurry. I remember trying to drink while laying down? I'm not sure. They were trying to get heparin, I think its called down me to thin my blood. Out.... Back... "Am I going to die?" nurse says, "No" I remember asking that several times, wanting reassurance. Or was I just thinking it?
Big hospital doors, opening, rolling, opening, fast... fast... fast... Where was I going? Where is my family? Oh God I'm dying. I'm in ICU

Stupid thing I said

2009-09-04T05:07:00.000-07:00

I feel so bad for something. I have never said anything so stupid in my life.
So my neighbors have had their house for sale for like a year. I love these people they are an older couple. They have been so good to me and my little girl.
I saw an inspection truck in their drive way yesterday, so I called them. I asked if they sold their house and he was telling me how they had a contract and it looked good. On and on. I said, "I'm going to shoot myself." Like I didn't want other neighbors you know. I don't want these people to leave. ok so let me tell you what happened about a month ago and why thats bad.
We have a pump ditch for water that you turn on and off two days a week to water your lawn. So I saw that he wasn't watering and he usually turns my water on for me, so I went over to check and see if he wanted me to go ahead and turn it off. I go to the door, and she usually answers. It takes a while. He answers and I asked where she was. The conversation goes on and she is in another state. His head ducks, and he said that his grandson committed suicide. My heart stopped I didn't know what to say. And he almost acted ashamed. God for the first time I had a loss for words.
So yesterday not even thinking, I tell him I'm going to shoot myself! What the H was I thinking. I'm so stupid. He said no your not, and thats when in my tiny little brain, I realized what I had said. Shit. I didn't apologize, I just kept listening to him about his plans.
I called my parents and told them. My dad is around the same age. He said. "Oh shit, sis." Then he said that they are smart enough to know its just a figure of speech. It was a mistake, and they know I was just talking. I hope so..... My mom wasn't so nice. lol. She said I always tell you to watch your mouth. OK so I vented, I feel so bad. I would never say anything to hurt someone like that. Shit!!!!

WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND/ MESSAGE I GOT TODAY

2009-09-02T20:48:00.000-07:00

Received this in email today; thought it was pretty much how life works if you let it.
Although some of you may not believe in God, I do. You may have gotten this already but I thought it was worth sharing.

The man slowly looked up. This was a woman clearly accustomed to the finer things of life. Her coat was new. She looked like she had never missed a meal in her life. His first thought was that she wanted to make fun of him, like so many others had done before. "Leave me alone," he growled...
To his amazement, the woman continued standing. She was smiling -- her even white teeth displayed in dazzling rows. "Are you hungry?" she asked. "No," he answered sarcastically. "I've just come from dining with the president. Now go away." The woman's smile became even broader. Suddenly the man felt a gentle hand under his arm. "What are you doing, lady?" the man asked angrily. "I said to leave me alone.
Just then a policeman came up. "Is there any problem, ma'am?" he asked.. "No problem here, officer," the woman answered. "I'm just trying to get this man to his feet. Will you help me?"The officer scratched his head. "That's old Jack. He's been a fixture around here for a couple of years. What do you want with him?" "See that cafeteria over there?" she asked. "I'm going to get him something to eat and get him out of the cold for awhile." "Are you crazy, lady?" the homeless man resisted. "I don't want to go in there!" Then he felt strong hands grab his other arm and lift him up.
"Let me go, officer. I didn't do anything." "This is a good deal for you, Jack," the officer answered. "Don't blow it." Finally, and with some difficulty, the woman and the police officer got Jack into the cafeteria and sat him at a table in a remote corner. It was the middle of the morning, so most of the breakfast crowd had already left and the lunch bunch had not yet arrived.
The manager strode across the cafeteria and stood by his table. "What's going on here, officer?" he asked. "What is all this, is this man in trouble?""This lady brought this man in here to be fed," the policeman answered. "Not in here!" the manager replied angrily. "Having a person like that here is bad for business."
Old Jack smiled a toothless grin. "See, lady. I told you so. Now if you'll let me go. I didn't want to come here in the first place." The woman turned to the cafeteria manager and smiled. "Sir, are you familiar with Eddy and Associates, the banking firm down the street?" "Of course I am," the manager answered impatiently. "They hold their weekly meetings in one of my banquet rooms." "And do you make a goodly amount of money providing food at these weekly meetings?""What business is that of yours?"
I, sir, am Penelope Eddy, president and CEO of the company." "Oh." The woman smiled again. "I thought that might make a difference." She glanced at the cop who was busy stifling a giggle. "Would you like to join us in a cup of coffee and a meal, officer?" "No thanks, ma'am," the officer replied. "I'm on duty." "Then, perhaps, a cup of coffee to go?" "Yes, ma'am. That would be very nice."The cafeteria manager turned on his heel, "I'll get your coffee for you right away, officer." The officer watched him walk away.
"You certainly put him in his place," he said.
"That was not my intent. Believe it or not, I have a reason for all this." She sat down at the table across from her amazed dinner guest She stared at him intently. "Jack, do you remember me?"Old Jack searched her face with his old, rheumy eyes "I think so -- I mean you do look familiar." "I'm a little older perhaps," she said. "Maybe I've even filled out more than in my younger days when you worked here, and I came through that very door, cold and hungry."
"Ma'amsaid questioningly. He couldn't believe that ?" the officer such a magnificently turned out woman could ever have been hungry. "I was just out of college," the woman began. "I had come to the city looking for a job, but I couldn't find anything. Finally I was down to my last few cents and had been kicked out of my apartment. I walked the streets for days. It was February and I was cold and nearly starving. I saw this place and walked in on the off chance that I could get something to eat."
Jack lit up with a smile. "Now I remember," he said. "I was behind the serving counter. You came up and asked me if you could work for something to eat.. I said that it was against company policy." "I know," the woman continued. "Then you made me the biggest roast beef sandwich that I had ever seen, gave me a cup of coffee, and told me to go over to a corner table and enjoy it.
I was afraid that you would get into trouble.Then, when I looked over, I saw you put the price of my food in the cash register I knew then that everything would be all right." "So you started your own business?" Old Jack said. "I got a job that very afternoon. I worked my way up. Eventually I started my own business that, with the help of God, prospered." She opened her purse and pulled out a business card. "When you are finished here, I want you to pay a visit to a Mr. Lyons.
He's the personnel director of my company.I'll go talk to him now and I'm certain he'll find something for you to do around the office." She smiled. "I think he might even find the funds to give you a little advance so that you can buy some clothes and get a place to live until you get on your feet.If you ever need anything, my door is always opened to you."
There were tears in the old man's eyes. "How can I ever thank you?" he said. "Don't thank me," the woman answered. "To God goes the glory. Thank Jesus... He led me to you." Outside the cafeteria, the officer and the woman paused at the entrance before going their separate ways.
"Thank you for all your help, officer," she said. "On the contrary, Ms. Eddy," he answered. "Thank you. I saw a miracle today, something that I will never forget.. And...And thank you for the coffee."

TEXT MESSAGE I RECEIVED TODAY

2009-09-01T21:35:00.000-07:00

IF YOU DONT LIKE BAD LANGUAGE DONT READ THIS.

So I'm getting my little one ready for school today and my phone beeps. New text. I wait till we get into the car because we were running late and then put it on speaker so i wouldn't be driving while on my phone. It has a picture of a monkey on it and he is singing.
He says "I just called... to say... fuck you." Almost wrecked, my little girl has heard the word but her eyes were big.
He says "I just called... to tell you to kiss my ass.... I just called.. to say... fuuuuuck you, and I mean it from the bottom of my heart."
Ok so I'm thinking what asshole sent me this? It was one of my ex friends. lol.
So I waited for a few minutes and couldn't help myself. I sent it to everyone on my contact list.
Just had to share.

HISTORECTOMY: Guys may not want to read.

2009-09-01T18:50:00.000-07:00

YEP, Guess what? I became anemic, or had very little iron in my body. Didn't stop bleeding for months and months. I was on a high dose of iron everyday, but I do have to say that I thought I was tired when I was going through postpartum, this was a whole different tired. I remember feeling like I weighed a thousand pounds. It was so exhausting to even go to the restroom. When I would take a shower you could see the veins or my legs would turn a purplish color. The iron was working a little at a time but took months and months. Finally had an iron level that would enable me to see the doctor. I had horrible pain in my stomach, no appetite, losing so much weight. And a tired that I have never felt before. Still was bleeding, and not just a little. I finally, after being stupid for years asked my doctor what a normal blood loss was when you are on your period and then told her what I was doing. She said that I was losing more blood in a month than most women do in six. ..... So anyway they took all of the tests. Turned out that I had several cysts on my uterus, endometriosis on both ovaries. It looked horrible. They said that I needed a hysterectomy; Great more medical bills and no insurance again. This was a pretty big fight between my husband and I. I guess he thought I could wait. But then again he wasn't the one that had laid in bed for two years. So my parents paid for the operation and they gave me a full hysterectomy. It was really going to be a relief, I had been going through menopause for a year anyway, they said that they could leave an ovary in so that I wouldn't go through menopause but I figured I couldn't get any more crazy than I had been a few years ago. Plus we have so much cancer in our family with the women and why would they leave it in? It looked like worms all over it. Full of endometriosis. Take it all.... Should be an easy surgery I thought. I've been through allot worse. Ok well, I get out and just start puking over and over again. I thought my insides, or what was left of them were going to come out. Surgeries are pretty neat now in the way that they can just make little holes. Not really even any scars to speak of. I started getting an anxiety attack and the nurse wouldn't give me medication. I told her "You seriously don't want to not give me my medication, and I don't even think you can do that Ive been on it for ten years." She said that the doctor hadn't ordered it. This just upset me worse and here went the numbness, shaking, sweating. I embarrassed my husband. I said call the damn doctor now and get me something for anxiety!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm ashamed of what a bitch I can be when I'm in pain, but its mostly when I'm scared or going through anxiety attacks. He told me to settle down. I told him to shut the hell up until he has had one. lol. I wasn't in the hospital for long and all in all I felt pretty good. My mom and dad were now living about 20 minutes from a hospital so I went there. Once again she was helping me with my kids. I started on the pills, I don't even know what they were, but the ones for menopause. I guess they help keep women from going crazy. Hormone pills maybe? I was doing it all right. Got out of bed, walking around so that I didn't get pneumonia in my bad lung from the back surgery, making sure that I was taking care of myself. Started feeling weird, like I was getting the flu. I would wake my older daughter up two or three times a night to put me in the shower. I was either freezing or sweating. At first I thought it was just the hot flashes from menopause. But it felt different to me. I felt like when I went to sleep I wasn't going to wake up; Then

Little Boy at Childrens Hospital:

2009-08-31T21:55:00.000-07:00

I dont remember when my postpartum depression was over. I only know that it took my mom, dad, grandma, kids, husband, a lot of work to get me well. My family hid anything negative from me. Gossip about me was handled without me knowing. Everyone was very careful around me so that I didn't get upset. Which is sad for them. Until one day when my husband, who doesn't ever say much, said you know this illness isn't just hard on you, its hard on all of us. I hated him for that. then. He was right, but the problem is we know how we are affecting people, family, kids, everything. That's one of the things that makes it even harder to get well. Your so full of guilt.

This is the time in my life when i learned that you do what you have to do. Especially when it comes to your kids. My little one started breaking out in a rash. At first the doctors thought it was the milk, she was still on formula. It started when I was at my moms.

Then the doctors said it was eczema. It kept getting worse. She looked like we had put her in a tub of boiling water. I bet we saw20 doctors. It was eczema. Finally went to childrens. At first they said eczema, gave us cream, meds. God this was horrible. She started losing her hair and was such a good little baby. She would get infections constantly and i would drive her an hour away at two and three in the morning for medical help. Children's hospital did a biopsy and she didn't even cry. We had to put her into bath, put wet pj's on her and then dry ones over them. And she would sleep like that every night. Well come to find out she had a rare psoriasis which meant that all of the advice, like keep her out of the sun. Was the exact opposite of what we should have been doing for the last year. More meds. more steroid cream. She could not take Tylenol or it would overload her liver? I think it was her liver. Anyway i was at the hospital and she had a fever and infections from her skin. I was watching the nurse and she was about to give her Tylenol. It is like slow motion, I literally flew over the bed and knocked it away from my babies mouth. I was seriously at the end of my rope. What was all of this doing? She was getting worse. And I had a hatred for most people which just isn't like me. They wouldn't talk to her, tried not to look at her, she had no friends. She was treated bad and you don't treat my kid bad. I became a bitch.

Which brings me to my title: We took her to children's hospital to get her biopsy and there were about 5 little kids in there. All of them were kinda backward. I could see that they all had different types of skin conditions. I sat down to play with my daughter and this little boy walked up slowly, I said hi, do you want to play with us? He shook his head yes and we played until they called us in. The thing they used to test her skin reminded me of a lighter in your car. Thats what it looked like to me. They probably made it numb, I cant remember. I just remember them putting it on her are and twisting. She still has a scar on her arm. Her skin looked burnt, welted, red, the sores would start little then just grow into eachother. She said she didnt feel it, she was about 1 or two by this time. It was gut wrenching to watch, its almost worse when they don't cry. Like I'm used to pain, what is there to cry about. Kids are so strong. And I've learned allot from her. Thank God it was a skin condition and not cancer. And God Bless every child and family who has an ill child.

When we were leaving I noticed the little boy and waved at him, his mom came over to me and kinda pulled me aside. She said "Thank you for talking to my little boy, its been a long time since someone has played and talked to him." What a shame that people are so mean. Trust me it could be your kid. I thought that was so sad.

I was brushing her hair one night and a clump came out. I just remember grabbing all of the meds, creams, everything, and throwing them away. The next day, she got into the bathroom cabinet, I went in there and she had all of this stuff rubbed all over her. I looked to see what it was. It was bag balm. She said "Mommy this feels good". So for the next week I smothered it in her from head to toe, even in her hair. We laid, that's all she could really do, and we watched "The Green Mile," and "How the Grinch stole Christmas" probably a hundred times. Guess what if you don't believe in miracles. Her skin was healed in one week. Bag Balm, and she found it. We still put it on her like once a month and she is 9. God what a miracle. You would never know she looked so bad. She was better, I was better. We were better. And what a blessing to have a healthy kid. She did get asthma out of the deal. They go hand in hand. She takes medicine for it but is a happy little girl and such a blessing in my life.

Next post will be BACK IN BED; MORE DAMN PROBLEMS; MORE SURGERIES; BLOOD CLOTS; TEN MINUTES TO LIVE

CLEAN YOUR OWN WINDOWS!!! COMMENT FOR THE DAY

2009-08-31T19:55:00.000-07:00

I just had to share this, although every since I've told my kids' this they tell me to wash my own windows often.
So on Joel Osteen the other day this is what he said; not word for word but....
There was this older woman and mad sitting in their kitchen and a new neighbor had just moved in that had several kids.
The older woman said "Can you believe that lady would send her children to school in those filthy clothes? She should be ashamed of herself" as they were watching the new neighbor hang clothes on the clothes line.
Everyday for days and days the older lady would get so mad, "Doesn't she know how to do laundry? That is just shameful."
"Those white clothes are brown" on and on.
So one day she called her husband at work and said "I'm sorry to bother you at work but you will never guess what happened. Our neighbor must have gotten some bleach or a new washer, or finally learned how to do laundry. She is hanging her clothes on the line and they are white, white. Just spotless. Can you believe that.?"

Her husband says no I can't but did you notice what I did for you this morning. She asked what. And he said "I cleaned our windows for you."
Point of the day: Clean your own windows. lol.

Months later;

2009-08-31T18:27:00.000-07:00

The clearest memories were just living day to day. Trying to get through eachday. After months I did start doing a little more. Was the pain gone? Hell no! Was the pain worse? No. Thank God. I had succeeded in getting by that thirty percent chance of having more pain. It was a different pain now. And to this day. It is a dull everlasting pain. Always there. When the brace came off it was as if I had no muscles at all. Started taking muscle relaxers for a while also, which completely screwed me cause I would try to function and do things, get sore, take a pill, do more, get sore, take a pill. Looking back, wasn't giving myself a chance to build muscle. At that point though I was in a mode, a survival mode. I thought that they were kidding when they told me it would be three years before I could even start to live a somewhat "Normal" life. Three years was about right to function. But thats about it. It took about 5 years for me to feel like I had done the right thing. I wasn't afraid of pain, I can take allot of pain. I let the fear of having another surgery cripple myself. Not just my body, but my brain. You do your best, or atleast I hope that I did. We sold our house at this point and moved into a trailor. We were building another one. All of this writing has really made me realize when everything started. The anxiety, depression, sleep disorders. I remember staying up until 4 or 5 in the morning at the trailor. Still got up and got my daughter to school. Went through the whole day, never napped. Seems like I go from one extreme to another. I was defenitely getting depressed at that time and just didn't know what it was. I remember calling my parents and telling them that I couldn't breathe. Going out on the deck in the cold air to get a breathe. My dad even went as far as to see if I had a gas leak in my oven. lol. God. Started to isolate myself. Only went where I absolutely had to. Lived for my kids. And its amazing when your in this mode how you can come up with stuff to do with them, I had them all reading by age of 4. Did lots of stuff together. As long as it was in my comfort zone. I even had a brand new house to look forward too, our dream house. I was just depressed, and come to think of it now, this is when the breathing and anxiety started.

Message for the day!

2009-08-30T06:44:00.000-07:00

I don't care if you lick windows,
take the special bus or occasionally pee on yourself.
You hang in there, sunshine –you're friggin' special.
Every sixty seconds you spend angry, upset or mad,
is a full minute of happiness you'll never get back.
Today's Message of the Day is:
Life is short, Break the rules, Forgive quickly, Kiss slowly, Love truly,
Laugh uncontrollably, And never regret anything that made you smile.
Life may not be the party we hoped for,
but while we're here, we should dance.

The start of Depression? Back surgery: Pure Hell

2009-08-29T05:11:00.000-07:00

Walked in and my mother-in-law had chicken made. She had come from out of state. I just thought I was hungry. I still remember trying to eat it so she didn't think I was rude. God I still have a hard time eating chicken. Had a water bed which was out of the question for my doctor. Had to get a mattress. It was still laying on my bedroom floor. Went to sleep in my daughters room. Which in hindsight was a good thing. I think she kept me from going crazy. My mom was watching my son, the one year old. She brought him to see me everyday. He didn't want much to do with me. But, when I was making the decision to have the surgery, I planned it knowing what was going to happen. I knew that he wouldn't remember me not being able to take care of him because he was so young. Still bothers me to this day, I would never not have my kids. Completely broke my heart but I was in it now. It was what it was I guess. Just kept thinking that it won't be long. Little did I know.

Laying in bed a few days later and I was sure that my rod had broken. The pain in my back was already unbearable, what did I do? The pain was getting worse, called doctor. He said that I needed to give a urine sample so that he could see where the infection, fever, pain were coming from. There was no way in hell that I was going to make it back to the doctor. I had a great idea, there was a clinic just up the road from me. Called him back and he let me just send one up to it. I had a bladder and kidney infection.

Lying there day after day after day. My daughters room was pink. Walls were getting closer and closer to me. My grandma was watching my little girl. She was always such a good kid, until she turned 17.lol. Anyway, I couldn't take it anymore, called and had them send her to me. I let her sleep with me. Which really made everyone upset. But she was so good about it, I still call her my little pillow. She would lay against me, never hurt me. I was supposed to have a pillow in the back of me but i used her instead. It was so good to have her home.

Finally got to the front room and was sitting on the couch. My husband, mother-in-law and little girl with me. My mother-in-law, out of the damn blue says, you know she, my little girl, doesn't mind very well, she reminds me of ......, her youngest son. She said I never really liked him when he was her age. I flipped a cork. Really screwed myself too cause she was the one who was supposed to take care of me while my husband was working. I told her "Well if you don't like my kid, then you dont like me. And you can pretty much get the hell out!" She left the next morning. I didn't care she was mad anyway and I had only seen her a few times in our marriage.

I learned from that cause she put me in so many bad situations and I was trying to just get through each day. I could not take a shower alone. The doctor said that I couldn't, that if the soap even slipped and I went for it just out of a natural reaction, it would ruin everything cause I couldn't wear my brace in the shower. So I called my mom when I took showers. It was embarrassing enough with her. I barely new my mother-in-law, I wanted my mom in there with me. But it pissed her off and she would pout the whole day. Showers took hours. Or it seemed like it. I dont remember them having chairs for showers then. I have one now but that would have been like heaven. oh well.

I feel bad for writing this part because everyone was doing something; My husband was working, mom was taking care of youngest, but I remember lying there wondering were the hell everyone was. I would get so stiff, waiting, waiting, for someone to roll me over. They had cut muscles of course, and a nerve. I couldn't and still cant feel anything on the right side of my bellybutton. When my daughter needed something to drink, I would go into a mode. Had to do it. I would go to the frig, sit down on the floor with a cup and just tip the milk and pour it into the cup cause i was too weak to lift the milk. Hindsight: could have gotten a smaller thing of milk.

I can remember this day like it was yesterday; Well actually it was probably a month of days like this. My dad was putting a helipad in at the clinic I mentioned. Very small town. I could here his equipment running. Would wait for that sound of it shutting down. I knew that he was coming to roll me over. Listened for his foot steps coming down the sidewalk, it seems stupid but to get rolled felt so good. I was stuck in one position until someone would roll me.

I waited for little things, seeing my babies, my work-a-holic husband to get home, the next pain pill, which were taken after a month and I was given tylenol. yea they really helped. not.

I held grudges at the time. Where was everyone???? I guess they didn't like to see me like that. People just don't understand.

I remember a girl coming by that I knew but we weren't close at all. It was so nice. My mom was having a fit because she brought her kids and they were always afraid one of them would bump me or that I wouldn't be thinking and try to hold one of them. But it helped me. My grandfather came with his wife, brought me flowers from her garden, God that made my day, they were beautiful. One of my aunts came over on her lunch break and shaved my legs. My grandma and other aunt brought me a home-made milkshake. Those are the only ones that I remember.

I was still sending my daughter to my grandmas everyday, but she would come home at night. Thank God.

Month after month went by. I was moving but still dependent on everything for everyone. By moving I mean someone would get me up and I would walk around my house. I think this is when I started going into depression. I didn't care if I took showers, if I ate, if I made it through the damn day. I was making it for my kids. That's it.

Here comes depression; First 3 sugeries

2009-08-27T17:45:00.000-07:00

Well the first two were not bad. C-Section, then I got my appendix removed. The third one; My back surgery forever changed the person I am or have to be.

When I was around 12 my spine started to curve; I don't remember but maybe two days even in school not being in pain. I tried not to let it get the best of me. I played volleyball, basketball, some track, was a cheerleader. They actually found my scoliosis during a sports physical. God that was a long time ago. I did you to the doctor but they said that I didn't need a brace because the curvature wasn't bad enough. Big relief for me, cause I was a kid and wanted to play my sports. I can't remember ever even taking a Tylenol back then. Which isn't the case now. Anyway, as I had my babies, my spine curved more with each kid. The pain became unbearable. I was about 22 with two kids and went to several doctors. Every time they said that I needed surgery. This was not an easy decision though. Who was going to take care of the babies, me, everything. I used to do so many things, loved sports, loved allot of things.

Finally went to childrens hospital where there was a doctor that everyone said was the best and I was able to make an appointment with her. She said that I needed surgery and they were talking about a new type of back surgery where you go through the stomach to place the rod. I left so confused. We had no insurance, it was going to be like 80,000 and so I would have to try to get some help. Overwhelming.

I decided to go to several more doctors to find one that would absolutely not do a surgery unless it had to be done. I didn't need a friend, didn't care if they had bed side manners, just needed someone straight to the point. Its weird how i was thinking when I went to each one. I didn't judge them but I was looking for someone who wasn't too young, too old. Not to be rude just wanted someone with experience but yet knew of the new procedure that they were saying I needed. After several months of driving two kids an hour from our house to the closest doctors I found a doctor who had the reputation of never doing a surgery unless it had to be done, especially back surgeries.

Went into his office, he came in and wasn't real friendly, kinda seemed overloaded? He looked at my x-rays and told me that if I didn't have surgery I would be in a wheelchair at 30. Not allot of options there, I had two babies to raise. I was told that the surgery would be approx. 6-8 hours, two weeks at least in the hospital, they couldn't guarantee that my pain would go away and that it was a good possibility I could have more. I thought that was impossible at the time. I had like a 30 percent chance of being paralyzed. And remember feeling well compared to the pain I'm in i don't care. Would not be able to care for myself for a long time. In fact before they did the surgery my whole family had to go down and agree to take care of me for a long time. Like a year. I could not lift more than a gallon of milk for months and would be in a brace for six months. Some of my times may be off a little its hard to remember that long ago. This is when I started fearing everything.

They decided to go through my stomach or side. I guess this was the best option for me because I was curving but also my body was turning or twisting. I have a scar from the right side of my bellybutton, clear around the side of me , and it ends at my spine towards the middle. Big scar.

I was scared, and really was never the same. I wonder if all the time I was under anesthesia didn't help so much.

AFTER SURGERY AND TIME IN THE HOSPITAL

Seriously, I wanted to die. The pain was unbearable and why didn't someone stay at the hospital with me? I had an iv in my neck to pump pain medication in me when I pushed the button. I kept pushing it. Over and over. No relief. I tried to call the nurse but whoever cleaned my room forgot to put the call button thing on the bed where I could reach it. I didnt have a thing on the bed it was one of those big things they attached to the beds where you push the button. I couldn't move. I couldn't role on my own. I would wait for someone to walk down the hall at night and yell help, help me, please someone come in here. I need help. Finally a nurse came in and I told her I was soaking wet, needed to be changed, and that the pain was unbearable. She said it was from post surgery and to push button as much as needed. I pushed it all night. Was soaked again, and again.

I looked and saw the phone called the doctor, I was a total bitch by then. He came in and shit hit the fan. So glad I picked him.... Come to find out the iv had slipped out and was going down my hospital gown all night. Thats why I was so soaked. He went nuts. And I got pretty good care after that. I just wonder how much I had messed myself up trying to get the call button . Not having pain medication after that horrible surgery.

They had to deflate one of my lungs, which never fully got any better, I had tube going to my lungs to get fluid out, bag on me so i didn't have to get up to go to the bathroom. God it was horrible.

My husband brought my 1 year old and 3 year old in to see me. My baby wouldn't even look at me. Broke my heart. I remember these kids, they were bringing this thing in to stretch me it looked like one of those things that you lay on and turn yourself upside down to stretch you back. I wasn't having that; no chance. I didn't care, I already felt like my back was going to collapse. They fused three or four vertebrae and took one of my ribs to fuse onto my back where they had put several screws in me. Thats why I was in a cast for so long, needed time to grow around my rod and make its own bone. I can remember my mom being there and she kept saying, please be nice, be nice. After that first night though, hell I dont know if it was the first, second, third. I was in a self protect mode.

I kinda screwed myself by trying so hard not to hurt myself. when i called the doctor and told them that I wasn't getting on that thing, he said ok, but it is used to get you used to standing so that when we fit you for the brace you wont pass out because you haven't been out of bed for so long that its going to be tough for you to stand that long. I told him I could do it. lol.

To guys come in to fit me for my brace; back then they were like braces that you get put on when you break your arm or leg. Hard, the ones that you write on. I dont know what they use now. I stood up and they started wrapping wet stuff around, around, around, I was getting light headed. They said hold on we are almost done, I knew I was going to pass out. Just kept hearing them say hold on and wrapping faster and faster. Yea next thing i know, I hear, Shes going. Done. I passed out. But they did get done. God that brace was heavy, I could take it on or off, kept it for years, threw it away. Wish I had it now.
It was time to go home; I was scared, I had had allot of nurses and doctors taking care of me. What now?
Drove home in my moms van; Laying on the seat in the back. Crawling to get back there cause I couldn't bend. Was wishing I would just die there. I was so hungry which was weird, remember telling them, and they just kept getting me home. Had to stop and get meds. GOD, why dont they just call those damn things in! The trip home was about two hours, every bump felt like I was getting hit in the back with a hammer.

I have tucked all of the pain inside for so long, but almost made me afraid to do anything the last 20 years for fear I would have to have another one. Completely dependent on everyone else for everything I did. Showers, they had to roll me, feed me, everything. Everyone was doing there best I'm sure. They told me to never ski, ride horses, anything that would push or impact my back. I was a kid though, well allot younger than now. I let the fear completely control my life. I know several people who have had this surgery and it didn't work so they had a second, third, fourth. I just can't.

AT HOME:

What the hell is going on??

2009-08-27T05:36:00.000-07:00

I was on yahoo reading questions this morning. Why are all of these 12-18 year old so full of anxiety and depression. Begging for help. And although I know about all of this crap, its uncomfortable to answer. What if you say the wrong thing? Shouldn't they talk to their parents? I am in a pretty small town and in the last two months three families that I know have had someone commit suicide. Not in this town but family members out of town. from kids to supposedly happy adults. I'm sure that some of you live in big cities and I hear about most everything here in this town, but is the suicide rate going up right now or am i just now hearing about it. I worry about the kids I was reading about today. And most of it was over going back to school for Gods sake. I don't know. I'm confused

Waking up in anxiety attack

2009-08-26T02:32:00.000-07:00

Woke up this morning with my stomach going in circles. Kinda like when you ride a roller coaster. Its scary when you wake up with these. I thought that I heard something in my house but had my German shepherd right next to me and she was fine. I knew I was just hearing things. But I was like frozen in fear. Where your so scared your body freezes. Ok what do I do. Breathe, I had to tell myself.Because what I do is hold my breathe. Took me a long time to realize that I can stop these attacks by breathing. So I'm sitting here at 3a.m. writing this down so that I don't forget what I'm feeling. I have to get up kinda the flight mode where you want to run. But i tell you, If you do get up when you have them it gives you time to remember to get your breathing under control. And there is just no sense in laying in bed going through this. Try not to think too much. Although, I was just thinking about my dreams. I remember them, I was dreaming that I was going on these rides and getting sick to my stomach. So something was bothering me. Its like when you dream that you hurt your hand and you wake up and your hand is numb from sleeping weird on it. I do not have anxiety attacks as bad as I used to and allot of it is just the knowledge of what they are and what to do with them. I knew that I was getting nervous last night. I have so much to do today. I usually only do a couple things a day that are extras. Like when I pay bills. Some people get really bad anxiety attacks when they pay bills. So here is what I have learned to do. Instead of paying them all at once. I will do one or two a day. Get them done and stop. I try to make doctor appointments between me and my daughter only one a month if that. I make sure she gets hers. Mine are kinda a waist of my time after fifteen years theres not much more they can tell me. They just have to see me because of my meds. I take citalopram for depression. I think that's a generic. It is supposed to have an anxiety helper in it. And alprazolam, generic for xanax, for anxiety. I know what they say about xanax but its the only thing in the last fifteen years that lets me function. So many people have problems with the meds. When people call me i ask them what meds they are on and they say, well I was feeling better so I went off of them. OMG I have done that out of pure guilt several times. I really do think that some people can take them for a half a year and not need them anymore. Not me. Been there done that. And the guilt was causing me so much anxiety so I had to make a choice, I have a family, finally found what works and may be on them for the rest of my life. Its worth it to be able to function on a day to day basis. If I can get off of them someday that would be great, if not then that's fine too. I have to think like that. Its not those of us who have anxiety attacks that really have a problem with the meds. Well I think we all have some self guilt. But its also our family, husbands, etc. saying you don't need meds to get through this. How do they know? Have they ever had one.????? Do what you need to do for yourself because being able to just function is probably your goal if your going through alot of them right now.

WHATEVER

2009-08-25T21:08:00.000-07:00

Do you ever feel like your body doesn't recognize being excited over something or being anxious. I start to get excited about something in my life and have a damn anxiety attack over it. Everyone is happy, sad, has one emotion or another. It seems when you have anxiety you body can't tell whether its a good emotion or a bad one. Maybe its just me.... My little one is starting school here in a week or so. I'm starting the WHAT IFS again. Have to stop it. OK maybe I will just take some deep breaths. lol. My son is going to IRAQ in a few months and I cant tell you what thats doing to me. I'm very proud of him. And very proud to be an American. But it litterally makes me sick to my stomach. Oh some good news today. I know you thinking really? She only writes about depressing things. lol. I took a bike ride today and didnt even get a flat tire. I got my bumm out of bed and worked in the yard, went to see my parents, called some friends, played some game with my older kids. They whipped my butt. Played with my grandbaby. Thats about all it takes for me to have a good day. Just little things. Oh and my favorite word for the week is WHATEVER If I dont like what someone is saying or they are trying to get me stressed out i just say WHATEVER. Actually, it worked and kinda makes them mad. But whatever.

Putting Anxiety to Rest for now

2009-08-23T21:06:00.000-07:00

I just want to say a few more things about anxiety, then I will stop on this subject. But please, If anyone reads this and is wondering if I have felt what your feeling, or any questions about my experiences please just ask.

I guess what I have probably learned the most from anxiety attacks and when I get them in my life is that they are a signal for you to take a breathe and slow down. Literally. But really maybe it is just your bodies way of telling you slow down, take a breathe, I'm tired.

I think that an anxiety attack can happen without warning and usually do with me. If it is happening when you are sleeping its really scary. My doctor called it "Busy sleeping" which I guess means even though you are trying to sleep you are still thinking. I used to add my checkbook up in my sleep, make a list of crap I had to do the next day, even make my bed while I was asleep. Well I thought I was. It was a bunch of little stuff, but I was amazed at how accurate i was with my checking account. lol

I still have problems with change; I hate change and really need to work on that. It freaks my system out. I hate appointments or something that I have to do and usually still cancel although not near as much.

I've learned that sleep is so very important. And yea I've went through those times where I didn't sleep for days. It sucks. I do take something to sleep, I have to, if I don't get sleep my depression and anxiety go crazy.

You cant die from this awful crap. Although you feel like you are. Even if you pass out. I asked my doctor what happens when you pass out, do you die. She said that no actually your brain resets and its actually better when you come too. Although I would never pass out if I had the choice and its hard for that to make you feel better when you are driving your kids around.

SO you have to breathe and what happens is something to do with when you hyperventilate you are exhaling too much carbon dioxide compared to the amount of oxygen that you have in your blood stream . That's why they put a bag over your mouth. Although some think this might be more dangerous now. I still cant do that but i will cup my hands over my mouth and nose then take in ten deep breaths. While I'm doing that I try to slow down my breathing.

Ask your family if they had or have it. They will probably say no cause you cant talk about it I guess, like it makes you a weak person, but I bet one of them do. Also, with depression. My mom told me one day "I think you need an anti-depressant" I said well how would a person know. She said well I'm on them. I proceeded to tell her that It would have been very helpful to know that years ago. lol. I never knew it. Like I said I guess they think its a weakness.

I still want to just take off and flee when I have one; Its like you just want to jump out of your body or start running away. Its normal. Although it sucks. I pace allot too. And my family can tell when I'm getting anxious because I will talk allot. Fast, and mix up my words. They don't know that I'm doing that just to mess with them. lol. Not really

Something that was really painful to me although I am getting a handle on it was the burning in my chest. It felt like something was just burning right through me from the inside. I was told by my doctor that it is the acid in your stomach, It comes up your chest and that's why it burns. I think I used to carry mylanta. I think that's what I used to carry in my purse. might want to check on that before using for the burning in your chest. lol.

I had a huge fear of dying, it controlled my life. I fear others dying also. After getting blood clots and really almost dying that fear has somewhat went away. And for those of you who believe in God, I have to say, when you feel completely overwhelmed, just tell him to take all of your worries, it is in his control. And like my uncle and God father told me, "When you say it you have to actually let him" I still catch myself saying it then the next day start my crap again and try to be in control of everything.

If you let people know what you are going through I promise you will find someone who is too and is just probably embarrassed to say it. which i have no idea why. I don't care I just tell them now. But I had to get to that point. It used to be so important for me for people to understand what I was going through. But you really cant think like that or your just setting yourself up for a let down. How could they if they haven't had one? And do they really even care? I don't know. It took along time for me to get to the point where if someone doesn't understand. Oh well. If they dont care, then they aren't worth having around. You dont need someone to even understand if you can just find someone who will let you talk and listen. I swear to God that took them right away with me if someone would just listen. If you cant find someone then I will listen.... Just have to tell me.

The "What ifs" Oh my God did I do this. Everything was well what if, what if, what if. Well after doing this with my doctor for over an hour she turned it on me. She would say well what if. What is the worst, very worst thing that can happen. Start asking yourself that. Its good. Well what if my house isnt clean. Umm nobody comes here anyway. Well what if I die. Umm you die. That one is still hard for me. Well what if she doesn't understand and they think I'm crazy. Well then screw them. Maybe they are the crazy ones. lol.

And last; Your going to get better. You are. You just have to sort your life and figure out what makes them worse, better, how to breathe, the right medications (If you believe in medication),
find good people who make you feel good. Seriously, it takes time but it does get better. Try not to over think everything, which i still do from time to time. When your up in the middle of the night don't sit there and think about stuff. Do a crossword, watch a movie, something that will take you mind off everything that you don't control anyway. And I'm sorry if this offends anyone but once in a while you have to just say F it. Maybe for a whole day. whatever it takes. Thank you for letting me go on and on. I hope that I have helped even one person. And I will make posts on anything else that I forgot to mention, things that may help you, or when I have another damn anxiety attack. Talk to you tomorrow. lololol. Just kidding

I wanted to die; but God took her instead

2009-08-22T21:39:00.000-07:00

I overheard my mom talking on the phone one day. She was telling someone how tired she was and didn't feel good. She was on oxygen and I was sitting there letting her take care of me and my kids. I don't think she would have had it any other way. So I called my grandma and was crying hysterically, I told her she had to take me to my house. Well I pretty much begged. I can't believe how I just called and wanted them to be right there for me. Guess that's what you do when you are desperate. I really wouldn't have cared if I just laid there and died if I didn't have my kids. She stayed with us for about a half a year. Yea this crap doesn't just go away. My grandma was my best friend from the time I was little. She was an angel from heaven. The best person you would ever meet. I would watch her bathe, dress, play, sing, feed, etc. my little one. Just watch her. She was like sixty. I knew she would never not take care of them. I can remember looking down from my bedroom in the middle of the night and watching her feed and rock her to sleep. I felt guilty, but not enough to go take my baby. This wasn't like me. I always had my kids in my arms. When she left, my safe person was leaving. I felt so overwhelmed. But it may have been what I needed. I don't know. I pretty much followed her to her house which was fifty minutes away and would stay for weeks at a time. She never said anything, but thinking back I bet she wished she could just get a break. One of the worst things ever in my life was when she died three years ago. I tried so hard to be strong, I didn't want to go down again. But I couldn't be strong. I would just like to have one more conversation with her. I tried to pay her back for everything by taking care of her when she was sick. And you know how people say that they love you..... but you know they are full of shit. She loved me and she loved my kids. I only hope that someday I will get the chance to help someone like she helped me. And guess what I am taking care of my daughter, I'm getting healthier, and yes I'm still on meds. Don't think I will ever go off of them again. I've tried out of guilt from others. I've pretty much decided that addicted or not I'm going to be on this medication forever. Although, I'm so happy for those of you who can take it for a few months then go off. I think that's how its supposed to work. I don't know.

Broken- Still at my moms

2009-08-22T06:47:00.000-07:00

I was a thirty years old bent down laying on my moms lap asking her to kill me. Like she would of. She just went along with it. I was so much work. I was so sick. She would get so mad at me practically force feeding me. I still could go without eating. My weight just kept going down, and you know what I didn't care. Thank God they cared. I would lay there and just watch my mom take care of my baby, my teenagers, thats all I cared about deep down. Who does that? I did. My dad used to ask me to play cards with him. I still remember how my brain wouldn't work. Everything was so hard to do. But he just kept it up, even when I didn't want to. You know just someone taking time to play cards with you; made a huge difference.

In my mind I had nothing to look forward to. Even though I had a baby there. I would wonder what I was even doing here. And you really do feel like a burden. My parents used to say look at this and have me look out the window at this and that. Like I cared. But they kept going, didnt give up on me. Its a good thing cause I'm sure I would have just layed there and let myself fade away.

My husband took me to the emergency room one night. I wanted to be put into a damn hospital. I went to a therapist one time and the first thing she told me was that if she felt like my kids were in danger she would have to report it. WHAT? I remember that and I was a good mom up to now, I made sure I was at my moms so they would be taken care of. I shut down. I couldn't think clearly, what If I said something wrong?? Back to the hospital, sorry, I jump around so much when I write. So I'm at the hospital and I tell the doctor that I've got postpartum depression, I explain everything. I was trying to tell him that I need help. They send a lady in to evaluate me. She said "Are you thinking about harming yourself or anyone else?" I said "NO, but I want to die." She said she was sorry but unless I had a plan or had considered how I would harm myself or someone else they couldn't help me. What a bunch of crap. Although, almost ten years later, I'm sure they all were just doing their jobs. I didn't have insurance so everyone I called either needed insurance or we made too much money to get help from them. Didn't have enough money to get help, on and on and on.

Your mind is so powerful. But when you think you've lost it, your broken.

Anxiety attacks II- Other peoples' problems and you

2009-08-20T18:21:00.000-07:00

If you read my first post on my first anxiety attack you know i left off with hospitals etc.

If you dont take care of yourself you cant take care of anyone else!!

This really affected my day to day life. I was scared to death to leave the house or be out of a "safe zone" found ways to get stuff done through magazines, mail, phone. Really screwed me up. My doctor was an hour away so needless to say I cancelled allot of appointments am ashamed to say lied about the reasons I couldn't make it. God forbid if it was snowing. But I did take notice when I went somewhere at how everyone was just moving on with their lives. Seemed like they didn't have a care in the world. Which looking back they all had problems but I was too focused on getting home. I have realized allot of things that really made me worse.

I was a perfectionist; Had to give that up. I would go on and on about how my house wasn't clean enough. I remember my doctor asking me what would happen if it isn't clean besides the fact that it drove me crazy. I said "Well what if someone comes by and its not clean" and what she said to me stuck. She said " Well if they are coming by to see how clean your house is and not to see you, do you really want them to even come by?" She was right. I still struggle with this until my body starts getting sick then I have to take a step back and knock it off.

My family used to say that if I don't have something to worry about, I will find something. They said you worry about the neighbors dog and they don't even have one. Really pissed me off when they said that. For years i was getting phone calls from people who were fighting with their spouses, girlfriends, boyfriends, they were broke, tired, sick, etc... I would worry about them all night long, no sleep. Then would have an anxiety attack over their problems. This is hard for me because I truly want people to be happy. Some people gossip or get a kick when someone has trouble it makes me sad for them. But I wasn't really in a position to have all of this negativity in my life..

The day I decided to change was when one of my friends called late one night and said that her husband was going crazy, the kids were crying, they were fighting, on and on. I was sick all night about it. So first thing in the morning I called her. She sounded so happy and said that everything was fine. That was it. This wasn't the first time. I had to worry about my own crap. And told her that. This was a breaking point for me I spoke, Let it out.

The best thing I think that I have ever done when It comes to anxiety and depression was to just tell people. Stop the excuses of why I cant go somewhere with them, or don't feel like it. Why I haven't taken a shower in days. I learned how to say NO. And after a couple of times it was so easy. Just no. It takes so much time and energy trying to explain yourself that you just get worse. It's all about them and what you cant do for them. Well you have to get a little bit selfish, which was really hard for me. But it made a huge difference in my health.

The amount of phone calls I would get say " Um.... This is so and so, and I heard that you have anxiety attacks and depression," they would start crying,"I can't take this anymore. I have never told anyone about this but I am depressed or having anxiety attacks. What do I do?" People who I would have never guessed. Rich, poor, it didn't matter. To be honest It made it a little bit harder for me cause i would get anxiety over their anxiety. But if you can find someone to just listen, not give you advice, just listen, you have it made. It helps so much. I found that my doctor was kinda like my therapist; She just listened. It was so much help. You probably wont believe this but, I'm pretty good at picking people out of a crowd that are depressed or have anxiety attacks.

So my point; TELL PEOPLE WHAT YOU HAVE OR ARE GOING THROUGH; IF THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND THEN THEY DON'T. BUT THEY WILL KNOW.

SAY NO! YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE RUDE, JUST FIRM. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FOR A WHILE, WHICH IS EASIER SAID THEN DONE. BUT TRY TO GET SOME TIME TO HAVE FOR YOURSELF.

ITS A FACT THAT MOST PEOPLE WILL HAVE DEPRESSION OR ANXIETY AT SOME TIME IN THEIR LIFE. SO THEY WILL KNOW THEN.

YOU HAVE TO LEARN HOW TO FUNCTION AGAIN. IT TAKES A LONG TIME OR MAYBE NOT. I'M STILL LEARNING.

First Anxiety Attack

2009-08-20T04:40:00.000-07:00

If you haven't had one then its like if you haven't had a baby; shouldn't say anything

It was my first day at a new job. I had just ate a piece of pizza for lunch. Withing a couple of seconds my chest started burning, it went up through my throat. I started sweating and in my mind at first I thought that the pizza had poisoned me. I get up and go into my boss' office. There were two of them sitting there. I told them something was wrong. That I thought I was having a heart attack! One of them started taking my pulse. He said "Your pulse is good" oh like i cared about my damn pulse. The other one took off and went to get my husband.

We were on the way to the doctor and I swear to God I can remember looking up at the sky and praying. I was asking God to take care of my kids and telling my husband things to do when I died so the kids would be taken care of. I go into the office and they put me in a room on a bed. By now my whole body was numb and I was getting ready to pass out. This nurse takes my vitals and said they were all good. I told my husband to find someone who new how to take vitals. The doctor came in and checked me out. I kept wondering what the H was wrong with them. They seemed to be moving pretty slow... Then the nurse tried to put a bag over my mouth. What the H? Great now they were trying to kill me. I couldn't really freak out because I was dying and numb and having a heart attack all at the same time!! The only blessing that came out of this day is that I found my doctor; I have went to her for the past 15 years now.

Anyway, I thought she was nuts that day too. She told me that I have severe anxiety; she asked my husband if it was necessary that i work. I thought she was quite harsh with him. I'm glad she was now cause it helped him to understand it somewhat. As much as you can when you don't have them. So got medication and went home. They completely misdiagnosed me. I was still dying. Had anxiety attacks over and over again that day. For nothing. I didn't even have to think to have one. I was laying on the couch and couldn't breathe, started tingling, went completely numb, started crying.And do you know what my husband said to me? "Breathe" yea like I'm not trying to.?

My husband took me to another emergency room. I was thinking don't worry about me or rush on my account, I'm just dying that's all. Same diagnosis. I did find it kinda weird that once i got to a hospital I felt better. We did this for days. Maybe only two seemed like a hundred. I could not stop having them. I wanted to die at this point. So I went back to the first doctor. She explained to me that I wasn't dying and that I couldn't die from these. I needed to learn how to breathe. That it was impossible to have an anxiety attack if you breathe right. And that I need to take care of myself.

I'm sorry but this is so funny to me now. I know that when you are going through them its the most horrifying thing in the world and not funny at all. And I will still have them if I'm not careful. I just had one yesterday; I though my nephew took off out of my fence, I couldn't find him, felt myself going numb and remembered to breathe as i was running and screaming his name. oh, he was hiding in my daughters closet. lol. They are truly the worst thing I think I've experienced. Still on meds for them.

So lesson I've learned BREATHE , LAUGH ABOUT IT OR CRY WHATEVER YOU WANT TO DO; YOU CANT DIE FROM ANXIETY ATTACKS; 5 OPINIONS COSTS ALLOT OF MONEY; nurses aren't trying to kill you when they put a bag over your mouth.

How did I get like this???

2009-08-20T03:45:00.000-07:00

It about four in the morning. Can't sleep. Starting to write about all of this stuff has really brought back memories. I don't know if that is so good. I was just wondering when and how I started changing. I don't remember ever not being in pain. Well there was one day that I didn't have any and I called my parents. I told them this is what people feel like when they don't have pain all of the time. I was informed that everyone has pain somewhere. But I have actually met people who don't have pain. I had scoliosis at like eleven, it just got worse every year. Yes, I'm one of those girls who got married at 16. Not recommend but I'm still married, so we have done something right. I had my first baby at seventeen. I wasn't depressed then, I can remember being happy and full of life. Had my second kid at 20. Wasn't depressed then. So I guess it started after my back surgery. I was about 21. That surgery is a whole other story. OMG, I don't know if I could do that again. Although its bound to happen. OK not thinking about that right now. I think it was the year that I spent in bed, completely dependent on someone for everything. Had my first anxiety attack at25 will never forget that. Its kinda funny now, although I would rather have another surgery than have them all of the time. I have to tell you that story in my next post. I was so full of life what the H happened to me? Went nuts at 30 when I had my third unexpected baby, which come to find out was a huge blessing my life. But the postpartum depression sucked. I am functioning now and healthier than I've been in ten years but its been a struggle. I think stress will kill you. lol. not really funny. Recently, well 3 years ago, had to move to lower elevation after building our dream home. This was all due to me getting blood clots and I cant breathe at higher elevation. That made my husband happy. not. So starting over. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger? I'm sure that is true but I need some strength fast. The crazy thing is I'm pretty sure that people just try to stress me out. They are like oh she feels good today lets mess with her. Everyone is tired of me always having a surgery, depression, anxiety; I wonder if they think I enjoy it? Oh and I'm a grandma now. I love that baby. I swear to God if everyone could just act like kids do. They enjoy everything. The little things. The lesson I've learned after I was given 10 minutes before I was put on life support for blood clots. Making it through it and still kicking;

ENJOY THE LITTLE THINGS. I KNOW THAT'S A SAYING THAT IS ALWAYS USED BUT REALLY IT WILL MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER. LOOK AT LIFE LIKE A TWO YEAR OLD DOES, WITHOUT THE TEMPER TANTRUMS.

"SAFE PEOPLE"

2009-08-19T07:11:00.001-07:00

I call them safe people; I had maybe three when I was going through depression and anxiety attacks at 25. Then again at 30 with postpartum depression. They all had there own little areas in my life. One of them was my "safe person" to take me to the doctor. Another I would need to be around all of the time or I would actually get more anxious. And so on....... I wasn't independent at all!!!!!!!!!! And my kids were huge in functioning everyday. which was unfair to them. But if I didn't have my kids around me I felt completely empty. Its kinda funny cause if you dont have them around you its bad but when they are around you, all you want is a few minutes alone. I know sounds crazy. My husband always tells me im still like that. If they arent here I miss them. If they are I need a break.? Or they drive me nuts after like thirty minutes. lol. This only includes the 23 and 21 year old. My nine year old doesnt get on my nerves yet. lol. I have a dry sense of humor and as I keep writing you will see that I find myself funny. Most people dont. I dont know what to tell you. I guess either you think some of the things I write will be funny or you wont. Something all of this has taught me

DONT TAKE YOURSELF OR LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY! ITS OVER BEFORE YOU KNOW IT. WHEN YOUR DEPRESSED ITS GREAT TO LAUGH OR EVEN SMILE... AND YOU CAN EITHER LAUGH OR CRY; ITS UP TO YOU; OR YOU CAN DO BOTH. WHATEVER.

FRIEND? OR NO

2009-08-19T06:41:00.000-07:00

My mom always told me that I didn't have allot of friends because I didn't want them. To some degree she was right. Its not that I didn't want friends I'm just picky. This comes through experiences I guess. Most of my friends were phone friends. I talked on the phone with them a few times a week or some of them everyday, but would go for months or years without seeing them. I didn't like leaving the house. I was busy raising kids, and cleaning house.... But when I got the postpartum depression I found out just who my friends were or weren't. The people that I thought would truly care and help me were nowhere to be found. Didn't understand, or I guess i will try to be fair and say that some people just don't know how to respond to people who are sick. A few people just showed up and called everyday. It was definitely a one-way ed friendship i had nothing to give and wasn't interested in anything they were going through. I was at the point that i didn't care. I was just trying to function everyday. There was a total of probably four girls who took me under their wing. They had there own families, and I didn't see them allot but they called constantly and actually helped me just by having them. Guess what, only two of them were friends that I had actually ever hung out with or knew real well. That's the way it goes I found out that you really only will have a few good friends in your life, or I will and that doesn't include my family members who were there because without my family i don't know how i would have ever gotten through all of this. I lived for my kids. Thats it. Eventually you learn that you have to live for yourself also. This is something that I have really had to work on. I held grudges for a long time. But you know what that only makes you worse. I have to tell myself GET OVER IT! AND BE THANKFUL FOR THE PEOPLE THAT YOU DO HAVE IN YOUR LIFE.

Postpartum Depression I- Guilt

2009-08-17T00:07:00.000-07:00

I'm laying here looking at my nine year old. shes beautiful and truly a blessing from God. and I wonder how I could have ever literally shrieked inside when she cried. I never wanted to hurt her or was mad at her it was just this feeling like someone was scratching a chalkboard when she would cry inside of me. I kept it to myself. I was sooo ashamed of having that feeling. I remember telling someone that i couldnt stop crying. I wish i could remember who. But she said, "Well maybe its time that you did cry. Just cry." I dont know why that helped me but it did. It was like someone was giving me the permission to cry. I didnt even know what the ....... I was crying for. And it was a cry like i had never done before. It came from my gut. It seemed like it lasted for ever, but looking back the crying probably only lasted a couple of weeks, maybe a month.

Others' reactions hit hard

2009-08-16T23:41:00.000-07:00

I cant tell you how many people told me "You have to just fix your brain," or, "Its all it your head." Well yeah! thats obvious. "You have everything in the world" "What could you possibly be depressed about?" I was so sick and tired of hearing that. Obviously if we knew what was wrong we would fix it. The problem is that we dont know what is wrong. It has nothing to do with what you do or dont have in my opinion. I think it can hit anyone. It doesnt matter if you are living in a mansion or a hotel. Depression can hit anyone. But if they havent went through it be prepared for negative feedback. My doctor told me something that I will never forget. I was telling her about what people were saying and she said that I need to stay away from negative people and surround myself with people who may not understand but will at least try. Positive people. It also helped me to just say ok, I'm going to just take one hour at a time. Im not going to think about tomorrow and it is hard at first. And if I couldnt do one hour at a time i did fifteen minutes at a time. Although Im going to write tomorrow since its like one in the morning right now about my grandma moving in with me. Because at that point I didnt care if the floor literally fell in and sunk as far as it could go. I didnt care who was there or what they had to say. I just didnt care...... And you know what thats ok. I needed to not care for a while; I had overloaded myself from caring about everyone but myself for so long that it was ok not to care..... I know that now.....

Postprtum Depression II- The worst things I've ever been through

2009-08-16T22:57:00.000-07:00

For the past nine years I have tried to put postpartum depression out of my mind. It was the hardest time in my life and I cant seem to get past it. I cant afford a therapist so I'm going to write about it and share my story. My story is long and I remember almost too much about it. But with the hope of just helping one person get through it I'm going to write about it. I guess although I think about it allot, the thing that bothers me is that so many women go through it and are afraid to talk about it. Well don't be with me. I don't care what people say about it being in your head or all of the other things. Its real and its not funny. You do get better but when your going through it you feel completely alone, even when you have people around you. And to be fair they really don't know what to do, but at the time I took it as most of them didn't even care. It was my problem. And when you are that low it is hard to come out of it without help. The biggest help will be to talk to someone who has had it. Or it was for me.

I knew that i was not feeling right before i had my last child. And since I'm calling the this the truth i will tell you that before i had her i was on antidepressants and anxiety medication. I went off all of it when i found out that i was pregnant. When I got home i was sooo sick and i called the doctor; he said it was just from such a long labor. God i wish i would have been wiser. I had a fever and it turned out that i had staph infection. I literally fell in my mom and dads door. This was with my 12 and 10 year old. Allot of this is going to be hard to share; The medication kept switching, so i would get on one it wouldn't work then go through with drawls, or i thought i was and then try another one. Please realize that this is what i remember. I was trying to take care of the baby, I was so sick. I remember sitting above my moms heater breast feeding the baby. I should have had her on formula but the doctors wanted me to keep trying to feed her. I was shaking and trying to get warm over that heater. Finally, I just didnt care anymore. I loved my kids so much and had always taken really good care of them but I just couldnt. I did have the sense to get to my moms. She started taking care of the kids. Thank God. I remember at night it felt like a dark cloud was just surrounding my body and a horrible sadness fell over me. Laying in my moms bed and listening to that clock ticking thousands of times. Crying uncontrollably for hours and hours. And people think your just feeling sorry for yourself when you say you want to die. I didnt really but you do feel like a burden. I always think of anxiety and the depression and i used to compare my brain to a ball full of marbles. You try to just get one marble; which would be a thought; and you cant grasp it. you are overloaded and so many things are going through yur mind that its hard to just talk about one thing. I still have that problem so dont get mad if i skip subjects once in a while. lol.