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Thursday, December 3, 2009

The funny thing about life: The anxiety and frustration; I'm mad at myself

Well the funny thing about life is that you just start thinking you've got your crap together and the anxiety attacks start again. Bad dreams, everything seems so much more important than it really is but you cant get your mind to think like that. Its frustrating, I've taken a huge step backward and I'm so mad at myself.
It has been a rough month and I seem to make it even harder on myself; I add stress and anxiety to myself by constantly thinking, wondering about the what ifs. I thought I was over that crap.
I've been waking up at two in the morning in anxiety attacks. Which are probably the worse because you don't have a chance to catch them before your already having one. It sucks and I'm sick of it.
I should have never went back to the back doctor, I knew my back was messed up again. I was just trying to make my family and kids stop worrying or at the least have the doctor explain to them what was going on. I've been a mess every damn since.!!! Why did I go just to hear something that I already knew? I guess to see if they could keep the scoliosis from going any further. Then they set you up for an MRI, which I have canceled three times. Just another part of the anxiety. But in my brain I'm thinking why go and get this done?????? What could they tell me. Nothing good. It will only be that its worse than I thought if anything.
Then Obama comes on the TV after telling everyone the troops are coming home in one year or whatever the hell he said. Really? Is that why my son is leaving. So he comes on and now they are telling us that my son may leave by Christmas. OK really, this almost took me over the top.
I have a doctors appointment for chronic pain; which I have cancelled three times. This is their cure or way to make me function now. The manipulation therapy really does work but it is fing snowing. Am I the only one with extreme anxiety when the weather is bad. I'm not kidding I can't breathe right now just thinking about driving on the roads an hour to get there and then back tomorrow. So I call and leave a message to cancel. Then I call and leave another message saying that I will just be there. I have lived here all of my life; What the hell? And I will lay up all night and worry about the fing weather and roads. Which makes me mad too. Because I shouldn't have to drive on the bad roads but you know they won't refill the prescriptions if they don't see you, so your pretty much screwed.
Please deal with me; I'm
Oh and my son is not going to Iraq now; Hes going to afghanistan.  I have been having dreams every night and there are all of these guns and bombs; wake up sweating. Oh but he says he is ready and thats how they are supposed to feel right? I mean imagine not being ready. I wish someone who was in a war or knows someone who was in a war could write me. Good or bad I am the kind of person who needs to know things. I want to know what its like and what he will be living like. It may be harder but atleast I won't be in the damn dard with everyone whispering around me cause they don't think I can handle it. He won't tell me anything. He says its better that way. I don't know.
The weather is killing my body. I hate cold weather. I know everyone wants to see the snow. Well I don't mind it if im in a hotel room for a couple of days sitting in a jacuzzi. It absolutely makes my life hell. God I'm being negative but I've tried to spare all of you for a few weeks. lol.
I checked about support groups for soldiers moms. I can't find one here and I know there has to be one. Maybe I just don't know what I'm looking for or where to find them.
I was holding my grandbaby and lasted fifteen minutes. Just pisses me off. I love her to death but it hurts to hold her for too long.
I'm also mad at myself because I was up last night and decided to look at a photo album of my grandma. I never ever thought that I would forget the feel of her hands, hair, soft skin. But I am. That makes me sad. My parents say that is the way it is supposed to be. I don't think so. I want to remember everything about her and little by little its fading. She has been gone for two years and it seems like twenty. I miss her.

Well I've probably depressed all of you and your now having anxiety attacks but I actually feel better. lol. I'm just going to jot a few things down that I'm remember again about anxiety attacks and how it feels. I was doing it off allot of memory before.
1. I noticed that when I have them at night right now, I have a different feeling in my belly and its not the burning that I get when I'm awake. Its the feeling of when you've never been so scared in your life and you stomack kinda feels like its going in circles. Its scary; and hard to explain. My body feels like bugs are crawling inside it. and you just want to jump up and run. My advice would be to get up for a while. I have never been able to just lay there calm myself down and go back to sleep. Doesn't work for me. You know your going to be exhausted in the morning but its better than laying there in a anxiety attack three or four times that night.
2. I'm not sure anyone else does this but when it snows, gets real foggy. I have extreme anxiety. I have a feeling of being stuck and clostrophobic. Its a major set back for me and I have tried so hard to fix it. If I can get myself in the car I'm allot better but its horrible.
3. Forgot how much I cancel appointments; My mind just spins. If I have more than one appointment a week it takes me over the edge. I really think its the appointment part. Having to be somewhere. Because if  I'm out and about I can accomplish allot of things, but if I have to be somewhere I worry about it a month before it get there and then usually cancel it anyway.
4. Fear of being ill has struck hard the last couple months. So much crap is going around. I walk into places and can feel the germs hitting me. I'm not usualy like that. I'm around sick people all the time. But when I'm in an anxiety mode and feel bad, weak, crazy, I swear that if I get sick I will die. Die??? yea thats what I think.

Oh I have never in my life had so many women in two weeks tell me that my eyes look horrible. That I look like I'm "zoned out" what just trying to make my day a little better? I have never told anyone that they look like shit! But seriously, my eyes are really dark underneath, not with bags, just like a purple, blue, black, color I dont know and on my eye lids it looks like I have brown eye shadow on. Its that dark. Anyone have any idea what that is from. ??? Or what I can do so that I can quit receiving all of these good compliments. I really want to say to them, yea well I'm fifteen years older than you, going through menopause, in chronic pain, and have raised two and a half kids, you day will come soon. lol.

Please write me with any advice on eyes, someone who has been to war, anxiety, depression, back problems or chronic pain. would really help to talk.


Sunday, November 29, 2009

Full of things to say but cant seem to make myself write

I wanted to just write a short post to let everyone know that I miss talking to you. I need to chat and I have so many things going on in my mind. But its almost too much to just sit down and write. Sounds crazy I know. The things that are on my mind I really don't want to talk about which means if I just keep putting it off or writing about them, I don't have to think about them.

Well started writing so now I feel like venting a bit. lol.
My son came back from training for Thanksgiving and will be working at the base near us until after Christmas. Then he will leave and We won't see him again for about two years. That is so hard to comprehend and I'm writing it but yet I don't want to talk about it cause that would make it real. And it is real, oh so real. I'm trying to figure him out right now. He seems to be distancing himself from us a bit and its hard on us but maybe that is how he is going to cope with all of this. I just dont know. He went camping by himself for two days. I thought that was really weird, he said it was nice and he had a lot to think about. He doesn't look good, like hes not sleeping. He looks old right now. I told him he looks tired or something and he said that he doesn't sleep. I'm wondering if when they are training and they are doing all the stuff at night, if that screws their body up or if he is just stressed. He is way too stressed for a kid his age, worries about everything. I'm not being a very good mom because is all I want to do is cry. So I just sit and listen to him.

Christmas is a great time of the year, I'm trying really hard to make it special for my little one just like I did the older ones. But I'm really struggling. Christmas this year is also the last time I see my son for a long time. So I'm putting it off although it is still coming.

I went to the spine center for my back a couple weeks ago. What a mistake that was. I went because the hospital said my spine was making it harder for me to breathe and not the scars from all of the blood clots. Oh my God I could have died when I saw the xrays.... It was almost like I was a third person looking at them, like I wasn't even there. Its funny how allot of doctors are so smart but yet really don't know how to talk to people. Basically what they told me is that I have a 47 degree curve in my spine again. That was fing depressing. I knew it was getting worse but thought the rod would hold it up somewhat. My spine looks like a boomerang! Thats what it reminded me of.  Surgery is not an option again unless I lose all feelings in my legs and they are just going to treat the pain. Which mean more pills. And I already get told that I take too many from people. Although they dont have my spine... right. ?

So my plan as of now is that I'm going to keep moving. The doc said that 95 percent of people with my curve would be bed ridden for life. So is what I have to do is just keep moving. He was surprised at how I could bend and was flexible. I told him half of my day was stretching and walking. so I just have to keep it up. battery is dying have to go... miss talking to all of you

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Quick tip: Depression, Anxiety / Step aside fromt all negative for a while concentrate on you.

Some advice was given to me today from someone I would consider full of wisdom. If you are going through depression, postpartum, anxiety, or just to much going on in your daily life remember a few things.

Just some tips;

Stay around positive people. If you find yourself being consumed by others problems and negative attitudes, which they may be having a rough day you know. But when you are depressed etc. its all you can do to handle your own life. Its ok too. Sometimes you have to be kinda selfish. Its not that you dont care about them, its that their problems will consume you. You will stay up all night worrying about their problems and end up with your own anxiety attack. The next day they will more than likely be in a great mood and you are going through hell. Keep this in mind and see what happens. As you get stronger you will be able to handle more. But if you are at a low point just stay by positive and caring people.

I hate to sound like I dont like people because I do, but there are alot of folks who rant and rave, bring you down and know what you are going through but dont mind adding a little more stress to you. Stay away for a while. Some people actually enjoy seeing others low and having problems. Sounds bad but I have seen it ad been through it many times. Its just not important right now. Take time to get healthy before you start trying to help others with their problems. I know. Believe me. I try to be a good person but will take every problem that I hear and worry about them until Im sick.

If you start hearing negative things just walk away, you have your own shit to deal with right now. It is hard to think positive when your constantly around negative people. There will be a time when you can help them, but maybe it is you that needs the help right now. Find someone who will listen and help you for a change. Which may be a hard thing to do. If you do this for a few weeks you will be amazed at how much your stress level will go down.

Phone calls have a way of either cheering you up or bringing your whole damn day to a fing depression. Its ok not to answer the phone if you know its just going to be a bunch of negative crap. Let the phone go for a while if possible. You can talk to positive people. Try it for a few weeks. I couldn't belive how much better I felt. Try not to answer the phone for a whole day and watch your stress level go down.

When you are at work and you do your job, talk to positive people, and just go home. It will make you feel better. Although I dont know quite what to tell you if your boss is always negative. Try selective hearing I guess.

I got to the point where my doctors were telling me not to even watch the news. Bunch of bad news, disasters, murders, on and on. I have to admit it helped although I thought they were crazy.

Live, love, laugh, and stay postitive. Its a hard thing to do and I get off track quite often. It usually takes me getting sick to realize the crap I'm listening to and the shit I'm taking from everyone to make my attitude change.

Try to just focus on your own life for a few weeks. Your family, kids. Although sometimes family are the ones who bring you down. Most of the time there is someone in your family who has wisdom, can give great advice, and will actually listen. They have been through alot and dont mind sharing it. Only with a positive spin because they are older and full of wisdom.

I love to listen to older people. It is relaxing in a way. They have been through most everything we are going through but have learned how to handle life, people, problems. They will tell you how everything is just a part of your life that you go through and although it seems so big right now, it really isnt. Things have a way of working themselves out. And if you think about it they always do.

We will worry about things for months or weeks ahead of time and it usually never turns out the way you think it will. Its usually better and then I think how I wasted all of those days or weeks worrying about something that never even happened.

Try to let life take care of itself. You really arent in control. Take a few weeks and just role with life. You know that the things you are going through will change in days, weeks, maybe months. If we try to have a positive attitude and just realize we arent in contol of everything, things will work out, our lives would be so much simpler.

Make a choice to take care of yourself. Your emotiions, your health and happiness. And set the negative people and things aside for a while you will see a change. Your minds are most likely full of your own problems. Dont try to handle everything in one day. Set aside the outside influences and handle your stuff one thing at a time. God Bless All of You and let me know if it works.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Son left thank God he wasn't in Texas

I am so sorry for all the people who lost someone today in Texas at the Army Base. My son left for his last training mission on Monday and the goodbys are almost harder than him being gone. That sounds bad I know. He did get some good news today. He will have two weeks off in December before he deploys. I just talked to him on the phone and they have been training and in classes since three this morning. It was about nine and they still had a meeting and had to get all their stuff ready for tomorrow before calling it a night. They sure work hard and long hours. Who knows what his schedule will be it changes weekly. I guess thats just how they role.
I wonder:
What would bring someone to go into a place and just start killing people. I'm sure that all of them are scared or I would be. But to kill the very men who are willing to risk their lives for you??

How families have the courage to send their loved ones over to war one, two, three, or more times. How do they do this? I'm not sure how to get through it.

What I would do in a situation like this. Having someone come in and start to fire and shoot people. I would hope that I would react, hide, something. I have a feeling that I would just freeze. Not be able to move in order to react. I guess that makes me a bad candidate for our military huh...

Why we are still fighting if we are withdrawling soldiers to help support the ones on the ground. It only makes since to me that if you have young men and women fighting for our country, if we are going to continue to do this, that we do it... Give them the man power so our soldiers have support and can do what is being asked of them.  If we are going to half ass it or pull people out then bring everyone home dont just keep them over there to get killed because they dont have the man power that they need.

Now mind you this is coming from a mom whos son is getting ready to deploy and I know my view is probably one sided. I have tried to look at this from both sides and I realize that some soldiers want to come home, of course. And some of them say they wouldn't leave even if ordered too.

But I do not understand what is going on. We have all these men and women over there. They are doing what they are told. If we were at a job and couldn't complete it, didn't have enough people, someone would probably be hired. They wouldn't just let the business fail. ? Right. So They are doing their jobs and getting their support taken from them. More of our soldiers are getting killed. Either go in and get it done with all our might or bring them all home. Thats my opinion. Although I hate my son going to war, I really do think that if something is not done over there, there will be allot of trouble for us in the united states as far as terrorism.

Maybe someone could help me out and eduacate me on exactly what is going on and why I shouldn't feel this way. Please dont be negative to me, I'm trying my hardest to get through this time and my mind is scrambling for answers. I just don't understad what the hell is going on.

I have atleast one person a day tell me that obama is bringing back the troops; I have to argue with them because it makes me mad. If he is then why is my son being deployed. and the kids that I talk to that are going to iraq end up leaving after three weeks and are headed for aphganistan" spelled wrong it think. Ok had to vent.  Now I need to try to write a more cheerful blog. lol.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Naked witch on Halloween

So my brother calls me and says that his wife told him "I'm going to be a naked witch for Halloween"
She comes out all dressed up and says how to I look. He said "Great, it would be perfect if you took an iron to those wrinkles.

Now I hope that this was just a joke. lol.
The guys are all still laughing about it; girls in the family not so much.
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