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Thursday, December 3, 2009

The funny thing about life: The anxiety and frustration; I'm mad at myself

Well the funny thing about life is that you just start thinking you've got your crap together and the anxiety attacks start again. Bad dreams, everything seems so much more important than it really is but you cant get your mind to think like that. Its frustrating, I've taken a huge step backward and I'm so mad at myself.
It has been a rough month and I seem to make it even harder on myself; I add stress and anxiety to myself by constantly thinking, wondering about the what ifs. I thought I was over that crap.
I've been waking up at two in the morning in anxiety attacks. Which are probably the worse because you don't have a chance to catch them before your already having one. It sucks and I'm sick of it.
I should have never went back to the back doctor, I knew my back was messed up again. I was just trying to make my family and kids stop worrying or at the least have the doctor explain to them what was going on. I've been a mess every damn since.!!! Why did I go just to hear something that I already knew? I guess to see if they could keep the scoliosis from going any further. Then they set you up for an MRI, which I have canceled three times. Just another part of the anxiety. But in my brain I'm thinking why go and get this done?????? What could they tell me. Nothing good. It will only be that its worse than I thought if anything.
Then Obama comes on the TV after telling everyone the troops are coming home in one year or whatever the hell he said. Really? Is that why my son is leaving. So he comes on and now they are telling us that my son may leave by Christmas. OK really, this almost took me over the top.
I have a doctors appointment for chronic pain; which I have cancelled three times. This is their cure or way to make me function now. The manipulation therapy really does work but it is fing snowing. Am I the only one with extreme anxiety when the weather is bad. I'm not kidding I can't breathe right now just thinking about driving on the roads an hour to get there and then back tomorrow. So I call and leave a message to cancel. Then I call and leave another message saying that I will just be there. I have lived here all of my life; What the hell? And I will lay up all night and worry about the fing weather and roads. Which makes me mad too. Because I shouldn't have to drive on the bad roads but you know they won't refill the prescriptions if they don't see you, so your pretty much screwed.
Please deal with me; I'm ranting.lol
Oh and my son is not going to Iraq now; Hes going to afghanistan.  I have been having dreams every night and there are all of these guns and bombs; wake up sweating. Oh but he says he is ready and thats how they are supposed to feel right? I mean imagine not being ready. I wish someone who was in a war or knows someone who was in a war could write me. Good or bad I am the kind of person who needs to know things. I want to know what its like and what he will be living like. It may be harder but atleast I won't be in the damn dard with everyone whispering around me cause they don't think I can handle it. He won't tell me anything. He says its better that way. I don't know.
The weather is killing my body. I hate cold weather. I know everyone wants to see the snow. Well I don't mind it if im in a hotel room for a couple of days sitting in a jacuzzi. It absolutely makes my life hell. God I'm being negative but I've tried to spare all of you for a few weeks. lol.
I checked about support groups for soldiers moms. I can't find one here and I know there has to be one. Maybe I just don't know what I'm looking for or where to find them.
I was holding my grandbaby and lasted fifteen minutes. Just pisses me off. I love her to death but it hurts to hold her for too long.
I'm also mad at myself because I was up last night and decided to look at a photo album of my grandma. I never ever thought that I would forget the feel of her hands, hair, soft skin. But I am. That makes me sad. My parents say that is the way it is supposed to be. I don't think so. I want to remember everything about her and little by little its fading. She has been gone for two years and it seems like twenty. I miss her.

Well I've probably depressed all of you and your now having anxiety attacks but I actually feel better. lol. I'm just going to jot a few things down that I'm remember again about anxiety attacks and how it feels. I was doing it off allot of memory before.
1. I noticed that when I have them at night right now, I have a different feeling in my belly and its not the burning that I get when I'm awake. Its the feeling of when you've never been so scared in your life and you stomack kinda feels like its going in circles. Its scary; and hard to explain. My body feels like bugs are crawling inside it. and you just want to jump up and run. My advice would be to get up for a while. I have never been able to just lay there calm myself down and go back to sleep. Doesn't work for me. You know your going to be exhausted in the morning but its better than laying there in a anxiety attack three or four times that night.
2. I'm not sure anyone else does this but when it snows, gets real foggy. I have extreme anxiety. I have a feeling of being stuck and clostrophobic. Its a major set back for me and I have tried so hard to fix it. If I can get myself in the car I'm allot better but its horrible.
3. Forgot how much I cancel appointments; My mind just spins. If I have more than one appointment a week it takes me over the edge. I really think its the appointment part. Having to be somewhere. Because if  I'm out and about I can accomplish allot of things, but if I have to be somewhere I worry about it a month before it get there and then usually cancel it anyway.
4. Fear of being ill has struck hard the last couple months. So much crap is going around. I walk into places and can feel the germs hitting me. I'm not usualy like that. I'm around sick people all the time. But when I'm in an anxiety mode and feel bad, weak, crazy, I swear that if I get sick I will die. Die??? yea thats what I think.

Oh I have never in my life had so many women in two weeks tell me that my eyes look horrible. That I look like I'm "zoned out" what just trying to make my day a little better? I have never told anyone that they look like shit! But seriously, my eyes are really dark underneath, not with bags, just like a purple, blue, black, color I dont know and on my eye lids it looks like I have brown eye shadow on. Its that dark. Anyone have any idea what that is from. ??? Or what I can do so that I can quit receiving all of these good compliments. I really want to say to them, yea well I'm fifteen years older than you, going through menopause, in chronic pain, and have raised two and a half kids, you day will come soon. lol.

Please write me with any advice on eyes, someone who has been to war, anxiety, depression, back problems or chronic pain. would really help to talk.

HEY BOB ASK BESS ABOUT THE EYE THING. LOL. NO REALLY
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TheTruth:Postpartum Depression & Anxiety Attacks

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