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Thursday, December 3, 2009

The funny thing about life: The anxiety and frustration; I'm mad at myself

Well the funny thing about life is that you just start thinking you've got your crap together and the anxiety attacks start again. Bad dreams, everything seems so much more important than it really is but you cant get your mind to think like that. Its frustrating, I've taken a huge step backward and I'm so mad at myself.
It has been a rough month and I seem to make it even harder on myself; I add stress and anxiety to myself by constantly thinking, wondering about the what ifs. I thought I was over that crap.
I've been waking up at two in the morning in anxiety attacks. Which are probably the worse because you don't have a chance to catch them before your already having one. It sucks and I'm sick of it.
I should have never went back to the back doctor, I knew my back was messed up again. I was just trying to make my family and kids stop worrying or at the least have the doctor explain to them what was going on. I've been a mess every damn since.!!! Why did I go just to hear something that I already knew? I guess to see if they could keep the scoliosis from going any further. Then they set you up for an MRI, which I have canceled three times. Just another part of the anxiety. But in my brain I'm thinking why go and get this done?????? What could they tell me. Nothing good. It will only be that its worse than I thought if anything.
Then Obama comes on the TV after telling everyone the troops are coming home in one year or whatever the hell he said. Really? Is that why my son is leaving. So he comes on and now they are telling us that my son may leave by Christmas. OK really, this almost took me over the top.
I have a doctors appointment for chronic pain; which I have cancelled three times. This is their cure or way to make me function now. The manipulation therapy really does work but it is fing snowing. Am I the only one with extreme anxiety when the weather is bad. I'm not kidding I can't breathe right now just thinking about driving on the roads an hour to get there and then back tomorrow. So I call and leave a message to cancel. Then I call and leave another message saying that I will just be there. I have lived here all of my life; What the hell? And I will lay up all night and worry about the fing weather and roads. Which makes me mad too. Because I shouldn't have to drive on the bad roads but you know they won't refill the prescriptions if they don't see you, so your pretty much screwed.
Please deal with me; I'm ranting.lol
Oh and my son is not going to Iraq now; Hes going to afghanistan.  I have been having dreams every night and there are all of these guns and bombs; wake up sweating. Oh but he says he is ready and thats how they are supposed to feel right? I mean imagine not being ready. I wish someone who was in a war or knows someone who was in a war could write me. Good or bad I am the kind of person who needs to know things. I want to know what its like and what he will be living like. It may be harder but atleast I won't be in the damn dard with everyone whispering around me cause they don't think I can handle it. He won't tell me anything. He says its better that way. I don't know.
The weather is killing my body. I hate cold weather. I know everyone wants to see the snow. Well I don't mind it if im in a hotel room for a couple of days sitting in a jacuzzi. It absolutely makes my life hell. God I'm being negative but I've tried to spare all of you for a few weeks. lol.
I checked about support groups for soldiers moms. I can't find one here and I know there has to be one. Maybe I just don't know what I'm looking for or where to find them.
I was holding my grandbaby and lasted fifteen minutes. Just pisses me off. I love her to death but it hurts to hold her for too long.
I'm also mad at myself because I was up last night and decided to look at a photo album of my grandma. I never ever thought that I would forget the feel of her hands, hair, soft skin. But I am. That makes me sad. My parents say that is the way it is supposed to be. I don't think so. I want to remember everything about her and little by little its fading. She has been gone for two years and it seems like twenty. I miss her.

Well I've probably depressed all of you and your now having anxiety attacks but I actually feel better. lol. I'm just going to jot a few things down that I'm remember again about anxiety attacks and how it feels. I was doing it off allot of memory before.
1. I noticed that when I have them at night right now, I have a different feeling in my belly and its not the burning that I get when I'm awake. Its the feeling of when you've never been so scared in your life and you stomack kinda feels like its going in circles. Its scary; and hard to explain. My body feels like bugs are crawling inside it. and you just want to jump up and run. My advice would be to get up for a while. I have never been able to just lay there calm myself down and go back to sleep. Doesn't work for me. You know your going to be exhausted in the morning but its better than laying there in a anxiety attack three or four times that night.
2. I'm not sure anyone else does this but when it snows, gets real foggy. I have extreme anxiety. I have a feeling of being stuck and clostrophobic. Its a major set back for me and I have tried so hard to fix it. If I can get myself in the car I'm allot better but its horrible.
3. Forgot how much I cancel appointments; My mind just spins. If I have more than one appointment a week it takes me over the edge. I really think its the appointment part. Having to be somewhere. Because if  I'm out and about I can accomplish allot of things, but if I have to be somewhere I worry about it a month before it get there and then usually cancel it anyway.
4. Fear of being ill has struck hard the last couple months. So much crap is going around. I walk into places and can feel the germs hitting me. I'm not usualy like that. I'm around sick people all the time. But when I'm in an anxiety mode and feel bad, weak, crazy, I swear that if I get sick I will die. Die??? yea thats what I think.

Oh I have never in my life had so many women in two weeks tell me that my eyes look horrible. That I look like I'm "zoned out" what just trying to make my day a little better? I have never told anyone that they look like shit! But seriously, my eyes are really dark underneath, not with bags, just like a purple, blue, black, color I dont know and on my eye lids it looks like I have brown eye shadow on. Its that dark. Anyone have any idea what that is from. ??? Or what I can do so that I can quit receiving all of these good compliments. I really want to say to them, yea well I'm fifteen years older than you, going through menopause, in chronic pain, and have raised two and a half kids, you day will come soon. lol.

Please write me with any advice on eyes, someone who has been to war, anxiety, depression, back problems or chronic pain. would really help to talk.

HEY BOB ASK BESS ABOUT THE EYE THING. LOL. NO REALLY

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Full of things to say but cant seem to make myself write

I wanted to just write a short post to let everyone know that I miss talking to you. I need to chat and I have so many things going on in my mind. But its almost too much to just sit down and write. Sounds crazy I know. The things that are on my mind I really don't want to talk about which means if I just keep putting it off or writing about them, I don't have to think about them.

Well started writing so now I feel like venting a bit. lol.
My son came back from training for Thanksgiving and will be working at the base near us until after Christmas. Then he will leave and We won't see him again for about two years. That is so hard to comprehend and I'm writing it but yet I don't want to talk about it cause that would make it real. And it is real, oh so real. I'm trying to figure him out right now. He seems to be distancing himself from us a bit and its hard on us but maybe that is how he is going to cope with all of this. I just dont know. He went camping by himself for two days. I thought that was really weird, he said it was nice and he had a lot to think about. He doesn't look good, like hes not sleeping. He looks old right now. I told him he looks tired or something and he said that he doesn't sleep. I'm wondering if when they are training and they are doing all the stuff at night, if that screws their body up or if he is just stressed. He is way too stressed for a kid his age, worries about everything. I'm not being a very good mom because is all I want to do is cry. So I just sit and listen to him.

Christmas is a great time of the year, I'm trying really hard to make it special for my little one just like I did the older ones. But I'm really struggling. Christmas this year is also the last time I see my son for a long time. So I'm putting it off although it is still coming.

I went to the spine center for my back a couple weeks ago. What a mistake that was. I went because the hospital said my spine was making it harder for me to breathe and not the scars from all of the blood clots. Oh my God I could have died when I saw the xrays.... It was almost like I was a third person looking at them, like I wasn't even there. Its funny how allot of doctors are so smart but yet really don't know how to talk to people. Basically what they told me is that I have a 47 degree curve in my spine again. That was fing depressing. I knew it was getting worse but thought the rod would hold it up somewhat. My spine looks like a boomerang! Thats what it reminded me of.  Surgery is not an option again unless I lose all feelings in my legs and they are just going to treat the pain. Which mean more pills. And I already get told that I take too many from people. Although they dont have my spine... right. ?

So my plan as of now is that I'm going to keep moving. The doc said that 95 percent of people with my curve would be bed ridden for life. So is what I have to do is just keep moving. He was surprised at how I could bend and was flexible. I told him half of my day was stretching and walking. so I just have to keep it up. battery is dying have to go... miss talking to all of you

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Quick tip: Depression, Anxiety / Step aside fromt all negative for a while concentrate on you.

Some advice was given to me today from someone I would consider full of wisdom. If you are going through depression, postpartum, anxiety, or just to much going on in your daily life remember a few things.

Just some tips;

Stay around positive people. If you find yourself being consumed by others problems and negative attitudes, which they may be having a rough day you know. But when you are depressed etc. its all you can do to handle your own life. Its ok too. Sometimes you have to be kinda selfish. Its not that you dont care about them, its that their problems will consume you. You will stay up all night worrying about their problems and end up with your own anxiety attack. The next day they will more than likely be in a great mood and you are going through hell. Keep this in mind and see what happens. As you get stronger you will be able to handle more. But if you are at a low point just stay by positive and caring people.

I hate to sound like I dont like people because I do, but there are alot of folks who rant and rave, bring you down and know what you are going through but dont mind adding a little more stress to you. Stay away for a while. Some people actually enjoy seeing others low and having problems. Sounds bad but I have seen it ad been through it many times. Its just not important right now. Take time to get healthy before you start trying to help others with their problems. I know. Believe me. I try to be a good person but will take every problem that I hear and worry about them until Im sick.

If you start hearing negative things just walk away, you have your own shit to deal with right now. It is hard to think positive when your constantly around negative people. There will be a time when you can help them, but maybe it is you that needs the help right now. Find someone who will listen and help you for a change. Which may be a hard thing to do. If you do this for a few weeks you will be amazed at how much your stress level will go down.

Phone calls have a way of either cheering you up or bringing your whole damn day to a fing depression. Its ok not to answer the phone if you know its just going to be a bunch of negative crap. Let the phone go for a while if possible. You can talk to positive people. Try it for a few weeks. I couldn't belive how much better I felt. Try not to answer the phone for a whole day and watch your stress level go down.

When you are at work and you do your job, talk to positive people, and just go home. It will make you feel better. Although I dont know quite what to tell you if your boss is always negative. Try selective hearing I guess.

I got to the point where my doctors were telling me not to even watch the news. Bunch of bad news, disasters, murders, on and on. I have to admit it helped although I thought they were crazy.

Live, love, laugh, and stay postitive. Its a hard thing to do and I get off track quite often. It usually takes me getting sick to realize the crap I'm listening to and the shit I'm taking from everyone to make my attitude change.

Try to just focus on your own life for a few weeks. Your family, kids. Although sometimes family are the ones who bring you down. Most of the time there is someone in your family who has wisdom, can give great advice, and will actually listen. They have been through alot and dont mind sharing it. Only with a positive spin because they are older and full of wisdom.

I love to listen to older people. It is relaxing in a way. They have been through most everything we are going through but have learned how to handle life, people, problems. They will tell you how everything is just a part of your life that you go through and although it seems so big right now, it really isnt. Things have a way of working themselves out. And if you think about it they always do.

We will worry about things for months or weeks ahead of time and it usually never turns out the way you think it will. Its usually better and then I think how I wasted all of those days or weeks worrying about something that never even happened.

Try to let life take care of itself. You really arent in control. Take a few weeks and just role with life. You know that the things you are going through will change in days, weeks, maybe months. If we try to have a positive attitude and just realize we arent in contol of everything, things will work out, our lives would be so much simpler.

Make a choice to take care of yourself. Your emotiions, your health and happiness. And set the negative people and things aside for a while you will see a change. Your minds are most likely full of your own problems. Dont try to handle everything in one day. Set aside the outside influences and handle your stuff one thing at a time. God Bless All of You and let me know if it works.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Son left thank God he wasn't in Texas

I am so sorry for all the people who lost someone today in Texas at the Army Base. My son left for his last training mission on Monday and the goodbys are almost harder than him being gone. That sounds bad I know. He did get some good news today. He will have two weeks off in December before he deploys. I just talked to him on the phone and they have been training and in classes since three this morning. It was about nine and they still had a meeting and had to get all their stuff ready for tomorrow before calling it a night. They sure work hard and long hours. Who knows what his schedule will be it changes weekly. I guess thats just how they role.
I wonder:
What would bring someone to go into a place and just start killing people. I'm sure that all of them are scared or I would be. But to kill the very men who are willing to risk their lives for you??

How families have the courage to send their loved ones over to war one, two, three, or more times. How do they do this? I'm not sure how to get through it.

What I would do in a situation like this. Having someone come in and start to fire and shoot people. I would hope that I would react, hide, something. I have a feeling that I would just freeze. Not be able to move in order to react. I guess that makes me a bad candidate for our military huh...

Why we are still fighting if we are withdrawling soldiers to help support the ones on the ground. It only makes since to me that if you have young men and women fighting for our country, if we are going to continue to do this, that we do it... Give them the man power so our soldiers have support and can do what is being asked of them.  If we are going to half ass it or pull people out then bring everyone home dont just keep them over there to get killed because they dont have the man power that they need.

Now mind you this is coming from a mom whos son is getting ready to deploy and I know my view is probably one sided. I have tried to look at this from both sides and I realize that some soldiers want to come home, of course. And some of them say they wouldn't leave even if ordered too.

But I do not understand what is going on. We have all these men and women over there. They are doing what they are told. If we were at a job and couldn't complete it, didn't have enough people, someone would probably be hired. They wouldn't just let the business fail. ? Right. So They are doing their jobs and getting their support taken from them. More of our soldiers are getting killed. Either go in and get it done with all our might or bring them all home. Thats my opinion. Although I hate my son going to war, I really do think that if something is not done over there, there will be allot of trouble for us in the united states as far as terrorism.

Maybe someone could help me out and eduacate me on exactly what is going on and why I shouldn't feel this way. Please dont be negative to me, I'm trying my hardest to get through this time and my mind is scrambling for answers. I just don't understad what the hell is going on.

I have atleast one person a day tell me that obama is bringing back the troops; I have to argue with them because it makes me mad. If he is then why is my son being deployed. and the kids that I talk to that are going to iraq end up leaving after three weeks and are headed for aphganistan" spelled wrong it think. Ok had to vent.  Now I need to try to write a more cheerful blog. lol.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Naked witch on Halloween

So my brother calls me and says that his wife told him "I'm going to be a naked witch for Halloween"
She comes out all dressed up and says how to I look. He said "Great, it would be perfect if you took an iron to those wrinkles.

Now I hope that this was just a joke. lol.
The guys are all still laughing about it; girls in the family not so much.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

To Maitain a Healthy Level of Insanity!!!!!!!!!!

To Maitain a Healthy Level of Insanity!!!
just received this sounds alot like me so I thought that I would share it with you.

1. Sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down...

2. Page yourself over the intercom and don't disquise your voice.

3. Everytime someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.

4. Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has gotton over their caffeine addiction switch it to espresso.

5. In the memo field on your checks write; For marijuana

6. With a serious face order a diet water whenever you go out to eat.

7. Specify that your "Drive through order" is "To Go"

8. When the money comes out of the ATM and your in a store yell "I WON I WON"

9. When your leaving the zoo start running and yell "Run for your lives their out!"

10. Tell you children over dinner that "Due to the economy" we are going to have to let one of you go.

Have a great night. I'm pretty sure im going to do a couple of these things just to see peoples' faces. lol.

Friday, October 30, 2009

Is it possible to become more depressed when your sick? Driving me crazy

I need to know if anyone else goes through this or if I'm just nuttier than I thought I was. OK so when I get sick like a cold or flu, anything I swear to God I get more depressed. Now remember I'm already depressed enough and on meds for it. So why in the hell do I get worse when I'm sick. The dark, gloomy cloud absorbs me and I think I'm dying, even if I'm not. I try to talk myself out of it but I can't. Then the anxiety starts. I just wish I could be put to sleep for the whole time I get ill.
I watch others who get sick. They are just as sick, go through it, feel like hell, but dont get even worse depression. Why does this happen to me. It always has and its driving me nuts. I try to tell my family that this happens and they look at me like I'm nuts.
I always think ok I'm sick, I will just rest and will get better. My mind starts freaking out. Everything is exagerated in my mind. I know this sounds crazy but does anyone else do this????

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Back to the simple things in life: "Its raining Leaves!"


Seems like its either the the little kids who don't know a whole lot or the older people who know oh so much that are the ones who can make you stop and think... We go through life everyday worrying about things that are not in our control, we simply can't do anything about, or we want to change things to our satisfaction. I am guilty of this and need to work on it.
When something is really bothering me in my life I usually turn to my dad. He is 64, calm, realistic, I have only seen him mad a few times and that is scary. Sometimes its the quiet ones you have to watch. lol. His answers always seem to be the same but yet I still want to hear them. Although sometimes it pisses me off, I know that he is right. He always tells me to be realistic about things, not to go on and on about it. "It is what it is" oh my God do you know how many times I have heard that. It seems that I listen to him for the day but need it repeated several times a week. I am getting better as I get older. Almost too damn calm. The things that used to drive me crazy ten years ago aren't even on my mind now. And the things that I never thought about ten years ago, I worry about. Its a frustrating, never ending circle.
My husband is another person that puts things into perspective for me. Although I dont think he worries enough about family, kids, etc. like I do. Maybe he worries and just doesn't say anything and maybe he really doesn't give a shit. lol. I can tell him something that is bothering me and he says. So? pisses me off.  He says "I dont even know why you let shit like that bother you," and "There is no reason to take an ass chewing over the phone."  He is a good person but doesn't give a shit what people think about him and I need that when I'm in my worry about everything that I can't do shit about mode. I will tell him that I have to do this and that and I don't know how I'm going to get it all done. He says, "You dont have to" and thats it.
Then there are kids. If we could all just look through a three year olds' eyes a few times a day. Listen to the different sounds. Enjoy the little pebbles on our walks that they pick up and save. Notice the colors, smells, and small things in life.
I was stressedddddd out the other day. Had a house full of twenty something year olds. Toddlers, family. Needed to pack and started my damn lists. My daughter comes in and says some guy wants to talk to you outside about your trees. I'm thinking son of a b. what else. So I go out there and he asks me if I like my elm tree because its not looking too good and some of the branches were getting ready to touch the power line so they were going up the road and cutting them away from the lines. My response. Yes. I love my tree. He was probably in his twenties, nice kid and I have all this stuff to do but didn't want to seem rude. He talks about all the trees I have etc. As I'm walking back in I took a deep breath outside, looked around and seemed to feel less stressed. I'm walking in a I have girls saying "He could cut me trees anytime" oh god I felt old at that point. 
Then my day was made... My neice was standing out on the front porch. It is screened and she could only see eye level, or thats the only place she was looking. I sit down in the chair about ready to explode and she says. "Well this isn't supposed to happen" she is two but can talk really well. Her eyes were huge and she was looking outside. I asked her what wasn't supposed to happen? She said "It's raining trees!" I had to smile. Knelt down to take a look at what her little world was like right then. Sure enough all she could see was the branches falling fromt he trees. Five minutes later it was "Raining Gold Leaves" I took a peak at her view again. It was beautiful. Big, Beautiful, Golden leaves falling from the sky. My heart felt better, anxiety was fading. I thought F it, I don't care what I have to do. I shut the door and lifted her up to the couch. We watching it rain leaves and trees for about twenty minutes. It was beautiful! We talked about the pretty roads and how they looked like golden paths. A two year old, almost three brought me back to what I need to do in life. Enjoy the little things, and always watch it rain leaves...
I called all of the other kids out. The twenty something year olds. Made them kneel down and watch it rain leaves. I'm sure they think I'm nuts. I told them enjoy it, you know it doesnt rain leaves very often. The two year old said "Yea, cause its not supposed to happen."

Monday, October 26, 2009

Swine flu? Flu? Whats the difference?

Yep gave all of us bad luck by saying we were going to be in hotel sick this weekend. Damn. I don't know what the difference between the swine flu and the flu is.??? Do you? We were walking through the aquarium and I swear to God it hit me so hard I was sitting places that people were walking over me. I was weak, my back felt like it was going to litterally break in half. I don't know if thats because when you get sick it settles in the part of your body that your the weakest or has had surgery or what? I couldn't make it thank God I had my 23 year old with me. I went into the car and turned the heater on as high as it could go. Shaking, hot to the touch but no fever at first. I was looking on the tom tom to see where the nearest hospital was then decided against that. I was thinking shit what if I were to get admitted what would my kids do? We were like three hours from home. I also got the flu shot! So I dont damn know. My daughter drove us to the hotel and thank God I decided to spend money for my little ones bday and stay there because there was valet parking, got into the hotel room and litterally could not move. I swear if I would have had to get my own medicine I couldn't have. The cough is horrible. It starts out just a little cough and within two hours your coughing so much that your chest feels like it is going to explode. I was sucking on my daughter inebulizer for her asthma just to breathe. My daughter took the girls to the pool and I knew I was going to toss it but couldn't get out of bed to do it. Finally damn near crawled to the bathroom and just got the trash can. Got back in bed and well to put it lightly damn near puked my brains out. My nose starts bleeding and I've never had a bloody nose, well maybe once. I was trying to wear a mask so that I didn't get my grandbaby and daughter sick, it was actually a lifesaver for me, I don't know if its because I was breathing in warm air which helped me not to cough as much or what. I remember the last time I got the flu and this was definetely the flu but I have to idea what kind?? Alka Seltzer and tylenol were the two meds that helped the most I'm still taking tylenol because if I don't I can feel the chills coming on. I don't know what meds my daughter gave me forsure but I finally got to sleep. The fever broke that night and I felt pretty good the next morning so I went to the Gymnastics meet. By the time it was over we were all sicker than hell. And there were people right by us telling us that their kids all had the swine flu. uuugggghhhh.
The baby started coughing and I felt so bad. Its terrible how grown-ups can tell you they are sick and poor little babies cant. My daughter called the hospital. She was about to have a nervous breakdown and was scared to death. They told her not to take the baby to a doctors office or a hospital!!!!! Give her tylenol. She feels ok tonight. I wonder how long this lasts? Let me know if youv'e had it please. Cause my little one started getting sick on thursday night and still gets the chills after the tylenol wears off. I need to have her go to the doctor I guess but they dont' want to see her unless she has a high fever??? I'm confused.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

When it rains it pours!!!!!!!!!!

Have been going through all stuff with my parents being sick. Trying to help but not a very good daughter cause I'm so afraid of getting sick. Then my son comes home sick. I thought that he had gotten flu shot from army, still not sure but he has 103 fever last night, coughing, I can just feel germs crawling on me. I never was like this until I got blood clots and my lungs got ruined now I'm so afraid of germs and being sick.
Tonight my little one has a fever and she did get the flu shot. she is on the list for the swine flu vaccine, but they haven't called yet. So I'm freaked out walking around with gloves and a mask on. lol. They can laugh if they want but This crap would kill me if I got it.
We are supposed to be leaving for the weekend tomorrow. I have to get out of town. As long as the altitude doesnt go up I'm good to go. Daughter has a gymnastics meet and we were going to go celebrate her birthday this weekend.
I swear to God I may never learn not to plan. What is that saying if you want to hear God laugh tell him what your doing tomorrow?
So I have all these plans and I'm pretty sure they aren't going to happen. Maybe we can just all go be sick in a hotel? lol.
Anyway wanted to let you know I'm not ignoring your posts this weekend just hopefully won't be here. Need a break, change of scenery ya know. Have a great weekend I may get a chance to write quick post tomorrow don't know. If not talk  to you on Tuesday.

Anxiety; Put into perspective by my kids; although they give me the anxiety???

A week of anxiety and all is put into perspective for me. Really helps atleast for a couple of days I just wish I could get my shit together and stay focused.
Gymnastic meets, parent teacher conferences, my moms emphasyma,sp?? doctors, leaves, back surgery, son, house is a mess, have to get groceries, clean leaves up, bathe dogs, clean car, on and on and on. Thats what my mind is thinking. I make list after list until my lists all say the same thing and I'm sitting here trying to put all of my lists into one list.
I cancel teacher conference for a week, take mom to doctor, get her meds, cancel flu shots for a week, cancel back doctor appointment, send daughter for groceries, look at leaves, look at dogs, look at car, get pretty much nothing done.
So my older kids and youngest plus grandbaby are here the other day and I start rambling. Then talking loud, I drive my older ones nuts and my younger one just looks at me. I tell her I'm not talking to her but my others have to get their shit together. Yea they need their shit together???
Tell my daughter to quit leaving her crap everywhere, tell my son to take out the trash. Now its not like I havent asked nicely for a damn week. Finally it gets to where I'm going over my list, or lists, of shit I need done. Its supposed to freeze tonight! My fountain needs drained, hoses need drained, swamp cooler need drained, house looks like shit, everything is unorganized, I even go so far as to tell them that I'm out of Dr. Pepper! lol. I drive myself crazy when I do this shit.
I leave and go to my moms she needs inebulizer and I'm pretty sure she isn't taking it. Now in my little bitty mind I'm thinking ok everything will be done when I get home.
I get home and they are all laying on the damn couches watching tv! Ok now my blood starts boiling plus I have found new things that have to go onto my lists.
I start yelling, I don't even know what I say and after years of anxiety and being with them 24/7 they have selective hearing and can tune me out really well. Until I start crying, which almost never happens.
My son tell me "You need to relax mom" I tell him to relax I dont have the GD time to relax. Yea like he really relaxes in the army? My daughter says "Mom! I told you I would help you" yea, I say a fing week ago. She says "Kinda busy" as she is breast feeding the baby. OH shit I used to breast feed, have one on my leg, clean house, and cook dinner at the same time!
Finally, they get up and grab my list. It was all done in one hour and I felt so much better. It is crazy how fast things can get done when you just do them instead of make list about them. lol. This is a huge problem and the exact reason I stopped the lists. I dont know when I started them again? And why do I have to go nuts to get some help? Why are kids so much more willing to help strangers than their parents? I even offer to pay them! lol.
So yesterday when I woke up I was all by myself. My little one spent the night with her sister. Before I got out of bed I told myself you are going to get up and get your crap done. Go Go Go, I was still laying there. But I did it. I got my butt up, no lists, no phone, no computer. Turned on some music and took off. I was amazed at how many things I achieved with the help of pain pills for my back. Damn pills. damn back.
Anyway I learned a few things, again:
No lists
Cry and your kids might help you
I work better with nobody around me.
My older kids are pigs now. lol.
Four people can get alot of shit done. Fast.
Dont trust mom: She doesnt take her meds right.
Get my ass up and get as much done as possible: That way at the end of the day you dont feel like a total failure.
The inbox is never empty so might as well quit worrying about the little stuff.
As your kids get older you think you can get off meds. But it seems the dosage just get stronger. lol.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Quick tips for moms: How to get your kids to clean up their messes!!!!!!

TIMES UP!!!!
I actually have learned a few things that might help others as far as kids go. Actually I would say that the only thing I'm really good at is raising my kids. I have tried alot of things to get help picking the house up; this is the one that worked everytime.


I think the best way to get them to help you pick up the house is;


You set the timer or kitchen timer, I even do this with my nine year old. Just set it for two or three minutes. Maybe even one minute for the real little ones. Caution: This does not work if they are still crawling or if they are over the age of 17! lol.
So anyway tell them that you are going to set the timer for two minutes, everyone starts in a different room (I found this will defuse any fighting over who made what mess). Its a game to them and I haven't seen a kid that won't to it. I even do it when I sub. Sorry keep interupting myself.


So everyone starts, tell them to pick their stuff up first and that they have to put it in the correct place or it doesnt count. Before you even start offer a prize, not for the winner, but for the family. It doesn't have to cost money. Just tell them If we get this done we can go to the park or whatever they like to do. It will make them want to play.
After the timer goes off dont freak out if its not all done: Switch rooms and you do your two minutes too! It will make them work harder.
So everyone goes in a circle to each room, you handle the cleaning sprays etc. unless they are old enough. You will find that each of them like to do certain things or are really good at them. Like cleaning mirrors, my older ones sucked at it, my younger one is great at it.
They do as much as they can in the two or three minutes then stop and move on. If you figure two or three kids plus you at two or three minutes each, that is 8 to 12 minutes on every room! You will be amazed at how clean it is!


Once that timer goes off STOP: Dont tell them everything they did wrong, save that. Go have some family time and do what you said that you would. Kids aren't stupid, follow through and it will work.
One thing that you will run in to is that one kid will say "I picked up my stuff but the timer is still going" this is a perfect time for them to learn that its important to help others in life. I wouldn't make them pick up the older kids stuff, but first remind them that everything needs to be in place and that maybe they could help the younger ones or you with something. I used to have a little list of extras incase they were finished. Which doesn't happen alot. Like feed the dog, or animals.


This used to save my whole day. And to be honest I would usually do it an hour before their dad got home.lol. Or it just gets messed up again. Then it was clean the next morning.
It is also a good idea to have a little trash can in each room or bag and for the older ones the cleaning stuff they need, that way everyone isn't running up, down, and around taking as much time as possible to run the timer out. lol. Took me a while to learn that. lol.


I do this almost daily with my nine year old and myself. When my older ones are here they have to do it too. I dont make the baby though. lol. In their minds they are thinking what is two minutes?? nothing? but it adds up. You might also want to set the timer and just have them sit there to watch how fast it goes. It will seem so easy for them.
Hope this helps someone: It has made my life much easier.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Wear Red Shirts on Fridays; see why

Red Shirt




If the red shirt thing is new to you, read below how it went for a man...




Last week, while traveling to Chicago on business, I noticed a Marine sergeant traveling with a folded flag, but did not put two and two together..




After w e boarded our flight, I turned to the sergeant, who'd been invited to sit in First Class (across from me), and inquired if he was heading home.




No, he responded.

Heading out I asked?




No. I'm escorting a soldier home.




Going to pick him up?




No. He is with me right now. He was killed in Iraq , I'm taking him home to his family.




The realization of what he had been asked to do hit me like a punch to the gut. It was an honor for him... He told me that, although he didn't know the soldier, he had delivered the news of his passing to the soldier's family and felt as if he knew them after many conversations in so few days.




I turned back to him, extended my hand, and said, Thank you Thank you for doing what you do so my family and I can do what we do.



Upon landing in Chicago the pilot stopped short of the gate and made the following announcement over the intercom.




"Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to note that we have had the honor of having Sergeant Steeley of the United States Marine Corps join us on this flight He is escorting a fallen comrade back home to his family. I ask 20 that you please remain in your seats when we open the forward door to allow Sergeant Steeley to deplane and receive his fellow soldier. We will then turn off the seat belt sign."




Without a sound, all went as requested. I noticed the sergeant saluting the casket as it was brought off the plane, and his action made me realize that I am proud to be an American.




So here's a public Thank You to our military Men and Women for what you do so we can live the way we do.




Red Fridays.




Very soon, you will see a great many people wearing Red every Friday. The reason? Americans who support our troops used to be called the "silent majority." We are no longer silent, and are voicing our love for God, country and home in record breaking numbers. We are not organized, boisterous or overbearing.

Many Americans, like you, me and all our friends, simply want to recognize that the vast majority of America supports our troops. Our idea of showing solidarity and support for our troops with dignity and respect starts this Friday -- and continues each and every Friday until the troops all come home, sending a deafening message that ... Every red-blooded American who supports our men and women a far, will wear something red.



By word of mouth, press, TV -- let's make the United States on every Friday a sea of red much like a homecoming football game in the bleachers. If every one of us who loves this country will share this with acquaintances, coworkers, friends, and family, it will not be long before the USA is covered in RED and it will let our troops know the once "silent" majority is on their side more than ever, certainly more than the media lets on.

The first thing a soldier says when asked "What can we do to make things better for you?" is. "We need your support and your prayers." Let's get the word out and lead with class and dignity, by example, and wear something red every Friday

Saturday, October 17, 2009

still; quiet; just taking in every moment

I haven't been feeling too good and was resting this afternoon.  My son came home from the base and stopped by. I had my oxygen on... sucks... laying in bed and heard him coming in. I am having a hard time talking to him without crying so I kinda said hi and pretended that I had went back to sleep. He layed down by me with his camo on and big damn boots that I would normally have a fit about. They have been working long hours and you can tell that he is just exhausted. He was asleep within a minute or two and I was listening to him breathe. It was calm and then fast, then faster, he was jumping like he was dreaming. I tried to just ignore it and let him get a few minutes sleep.
I was cherishing this moment although hes alot bigger than I am now, hes still my little boy in a way. His face is like a childs when he is sleeping. The freckles, blonde hair, little ears, blonde eye brows and eyelashes. When you are just looking at his face its as if your laying next to your five year old again.
I think he knew I wasn't sleeping though when he woke up. He put his arm around me, gave me a kiss on the cheek, and said "I love you mom"
He stands up and hes tall now. Camo, boots, just keeps going. Hes a kind and good kid with a generous heart. And can go from that to pissed off real fast. Hes very protective of his family and his country. I'm almost glad that he can get an anger issue fast for the first time in my life. It may keep him alive.
He will be leaving for death valley in a couple of weeks. Back for five days for Christmas and Thanksgiving, then we won't see him for like a year an a half. He is leaving us at the age of 20, will be landing in Iraq, or wherever they tell him on his 21st birthday, and will spend I think fifteen months there. So with Gods help I will see him when he is 22 again.
He will not be at this base near us when he leaves which is sad but I think may help us all. I am really sure that if I had to tell him bye right before he went over I would just have a nervous breakdown.
We are best friends in so many ways, but so much alike that we can get on eachothers nerves after a few hours. I would die for him but yet he is the one that is willing to die for me and my freedom.
I am going to truely have to put this in Gods hands before I seriously have a nervous breakdown. And I will but I have to write about it at  night or I just think, think, think. I know that I need to stay positive like he is. I havent said anything negative to him for a long time and I'm so proud of what a man hes become. I'm just going to miss him so much. He is the jokester in our family, he could make anyone laugh. Im going to miss that. He is the exact person or son that I wanted to raise.

You know how when your kids are little and you say I hope they turn out to be this, this, this, and this. Well he is everything I hoped he would be and more.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Best present for your wife!

Ok so I know that its kinda a rule not to get your wife something to clean with for a present but I have wanted one of these since they came out. I never got it until I bought it for myself and I swear its the best thing I've ever bought myself. The iRobot Roomba! you know the vacume. If your wife is the one who vacumes and hates it or has problems because she is too busy, just doesn't do it, or has medical issues, anything. I swear to God it is a miracle. Call me lazy I don't care. I love it.
I waited for two months to tell my parents and husband that I got it because I new they would just think I was lazy but vacumming killed my back and made my day hell afterward. I would hide it under my bed and vacume while my husband was gone. lol.  I even hid it from my older kids.
So we were having my daughters baby shower and my mom asked me to vacume, she started asking a month before the shower was even here. I told her I would that morning. Pissed her off. But  I took my iRobot over and turned it on. It vacummed her house and she ordered one the next day. She says its the best thing that she has ever bought and that she would damn near trade dad for it. lol. I don't think she is kidding.
Now just a warning: For the first two weeks I spent hours watching it work. I kinda felt sorry for it. lol. My husband knows that I have it now but hes only seen it run once. Just turn it on and go lay down and take a nap!
I here that guys clean now! I always made my son help but how great that would be to get help cleaning. So guys just go buy one, hide it, and when your wife gets home she will be so happy. lol.
You can even set them to where they clean while your at work.
K I have a big day ahead and its going to be exhausting; have to vacume.

My new best friend is a GPS

So I have been taking my daughter to gymnastic meets every weekend. I borrowed my sons gps because I had no fing idea how to get there and the anxiety started to build. People laugh at me but I get nervous when I'm lost. I love that thing and really want one. I'm going to put a picture of one on the refrigerator and leave it there until my husband gets me one. That used to work when we were first married so maybe he will get the hint. I like when the thing talks to me, some of the voices on it drive me nuts, but I found one that I like. It also really helps when you are driving in the dark to a big city and you cant see in the dark very well. Which is making me think does everyone have trouble seeing at night? Like I can see the cars. lol. But  I really cant see when there are turns ahead of me or how the road is going. Thats probably what the damn signs are for huh? The gps shows you how the road is going, amazing and I know your prob thinking who doesn't have one of those? Well never really needed one in this town, but its on my wish list now! Although after my weekend I just wanted to turn it off and start driving. You know just drive and end up where you end up. I was having a good time, it was nice to get out of town. People kept calling me and pissing me off. I'm out of money, Your dog shit on my floor, Where is the toothpaste? Thats what they were calling me for. I would rather listen to the gps. Can people not stand for you to just relax? I think they just try to mess with me. What was I supposed to do drive 3 hours and clean up the shit? I took the toothpast go get some more? F.
Anyway got off subject, ya know I do that.
Note to self; Put picture of GPS on frig. It not only gets me where I want to go, it talks over the kids arguing. and you can even mess with it and take a wrong turn, it doesn't get mad it just says "Please make the closest, legal U turn" lol.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Daughter seperation anxiety; I spoke too soon

Spoke too soon about having the seperation anxiety almost beat... Note to self: Never be late!
So in my first post about seperation anxiety with my daughter I was saying how she was doing so well. Guess what? She went to band and I was on my way to get her. A train goes through our town and I had to stop for it. I was starting to panic thinking oh shit shes going to panic. Then I thought, well I was ten minutes early the last time and they didn't get done until dxactly 3:30 so its 3:29 I should be good. I walk in the door and her face was beet red, she was crying, standing by the phone and the teacher says she thought that you were going to forget her? What? Made me sound like I just leave her everywhere.
I told the music teacher that she has an anxiety problem, she said yea she told me and looked at me like I was a nut.
Got into the car and I told her I was on time it ended at 3:30. She said she knew but was still crying. I let her settle down and tried to change the subject by making her look at the ducks, trees, anything.
When she settled down I asked her if she took a breath when I wasn't there. She said yea and it didn't help. So I had to explain that she may need to take more than one breath. lol its really not funny. but made me smile cause I'm so stupid. So I went through the whole bit but kinda forgot how to handle it. It has been a long time since she had done this. So I told her why I was on time, but late. I explained that this is life and stuff like this is going to happen from time to time. Wrong move. Her anxiety went through the roof. She said "When? Are you going to be late next week? Are you sure?" Her voice gets high then low and she talks really fast.
 Had to start again.
Asked her what she could have done when she started getting nervous, call my cell phone. She said she tried but the school phone wouldn't work. Well how would she know that you have to dial 9 to get out and be able to call. Now she knows but the teacher was right by her you would think if a kid is sitting there crying and freaking out they could help them call out. Or she may have told her but my daughter doesn't hear anything seriously when she is like this. So now she knows that. Although I hope to God she doesnt need it.
So she tried the phone thing and it didn't work.
When I walked in the kids were looking at her like she was nuts too. Kinda sad. They were asking her what was wrong but when she tells them they just don't understand. Most of them were waiting too or just then calling their parents.
So went on. I asked her if maybe she could have walked outside the door and looked for my car because its hard to find a space, oh no! What if she couldn't get back into the room! She goes to band at a different school too so its not like she really knows anyone and we are pretty new in this town so none of the parents would know her.
After 4 hours I finally had to get a little tough. But again don't do this if they are really bad and haven't had the chance to learn how to deal with all of this. I asked her what the worse thing that could have happened, which wouldn't because I have never forgotten her and if something happened I have four people who she knows would be there to get her.  But I finally did tell her "Ok so if nobody showed up what would you have to do? Or what could you do?" I could see her face turn red and I told her to breathe. I asked her if she could have made it home? Yes.
Could she have waited in the school until someone got ahold of me or someone in her family? Yes. Can they  just leave you in the school and leave? No I told her they cant do that. Worst things that could happen seem horrible to kids with seperation anxiety. I try not to do it but sometimes have to and she has band today. By God I will be there, early.
Note: I will be going to other school to music teacher and tell her about my little one. It is horrible for these kids and she feels better if the teacher knows. Thirty seconds is a lifetime for them, its sad and almost unbelievable that a child can get so anxious that fast but they do. My mistake thinking she was well enough that the other teacher didn't need to be informed about her anxiety.
Small little things like this takes these kids back. She bounced back pretty fast from this one. It used to take a week to get her over one incident. So shes better but still delicate and I can't forget this.

Friday, October 9, 2009

1/2 boy 1/2 man

1/ 2 boy 1/2 man

The average age of the military man is 19 years.


He is a short haired, tight-muscled kid who,


under normal circumstances is considered by


society as half man, half boy.


Not yet dry behind
the ears, not old enough to buy a beer, but old
enough to die for his country.

 He never really cared much for work and he would rather wax
his own car than wash his father's, but he has
never collected unemployment either..




He's a recent High School graduate;
 he was probably an average student, pursued some form of sport activities, drives a ten year old jalopy, and has a
steady girlfriend that either broke up with him when
he left, or swears to be waiting when he returns from half a world away.
 He listens to rock and roll or hip-hop or rap or jazz or swing and a 155mm howitzer.

He is 10 or 15 pounds lighter now than when he
was at home because he is working or fighting
from before dawn to well after dusk.. He has
trouble spelling, thus letter writing is a pain for him,




but he can field strip a rifle in 30 seconds and
reassemble it in less time in the dark.
 He can recite to you the nomenclature of a machine gun or grenade launcher and use either one effectively if he must.
He digs foxholes and latrines and can apply first aid like a professional.

He can march until he is told to stop,
or stop until he is told to march.


He obeys orders instantly and without hesitation,
but he is not without spirit or individual dignity.


He is self-sufficient.




He has two sets of fatigues: he washes one and wears the other.

He keeps his canteens full and his feet dry.


He sometimes forgets to brush his teeth, but never
to clean his rifle.

He can cook his own meals, mend
his own clothes, and fix his own hurts.




If you're thirsty, he'll share his water with you; if you are hungry, his food.
 He'll even split his ammunition
with you in the midst of battle when you run low.




He has learned to use his hands like weapons
and weapons like they were his hands.




He can save your life - or take it, because that is his job.





He will often do twice the work of a civilian, draw half the pay, and still find ironic humor in it all.

He has seen more suffering and death than he should have in his short lifetime.


He has wept in public and in private, for friends who have fallen in combat and is unashamed.



He feels every note of the National Anthem vibrate through his body while at rigid attention, while tempering the burning desire to 'square-away ' those around him who haven't bothered to stand, remove their hat, or even stop talking.






In an odd twist, day in and day out, far from home, he defends their right to be disrespectful.


Just as did his Father, Grandfather, and Great-grandfather, he is paying the price for our freedom. Beardless or not, he is not a boy. He is the American Fighting Man that has kept this country free for over 200 years.


He has asked nothing in return, except






our friendship and understanding.






Remember him, always, for he has earned our respect and admiration with his blood.








And we have women over there in danger, doing their part in this tradition of going to War when our nation calls us to do so.







As you go to bed tonight, remember this shot. . .




A short lull, a little shade and a picture of






loved ones in their helmets.
















Prayer wheel for our military... please don't






break it Please send this on after a short prayer.








Wheel




'Lord, hold our troops in your loving hands.






Protect them as they protect us.






Bless them and their families for the selfless acts they perform for us in our time of need. Amen.'




When you receive this, please stop for a moment and say a prayer for our ground troops in Afghanistan , sailors on ships, and airmen in the air, and for those in Iraq , Afghanistan and all foreign countries.








There is nothing attached...






This can be very powerful...












Of all the gifts you could give a US Soldier, Sailor, Coastguardsman, Marine, or Airman, prayer is the very best one.




I can't break this one, sorry.












The Old Country Preacher; I wonder which my son would grab. lol

email  I received today; kinda funny
An old country preacher.....had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young Men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects.




1. A Bible.....?



2. A silver dollar.....?



3. A bottle of whisky.....?



4. And a Playboy magazine.....?



'I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to himself.. 'When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.



If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a

Blessing that would be!



If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.



But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.



And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a

Skirt-chasing

womanizer.'



The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.



The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table..



With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.



'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered.





'He's gonna run for Congress.'

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