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Friday, September 4, 2009

"You have ten minutes" I'm dying

I got up and went to bed. Feeling bad cause it was my anniversary, and I didn't care. Wasn't going to wake up. Got up and put my moms oxygen on thinking I was going to save my own life and was really tired. Weird feeling, slipping into sleep, telling everyone, somethings wrong! I'm not going to wake up take me to the hospital. Now in their defense, I had just gotten out of the hospital and wanted to go back. They said that they didn't want me to catch something at the hospital, my system was weak. It was flu season.It was going to be ok. I was not stopping. "Take me to the hospital or I'm calling the ambulance." I started falling asleep while dad was getting dressed to take me. I wasn't going to wake up.... My little one ran up on me and bumped me which jarred me and I woke up. Out of the blue she said "Take mommy to the hospital."
My oldest daughter insisted on going which was a huge mistake, but I was too sick to argue. So we got to the emergency room and I told them what was going on. That I felt like I wasn't breathing good, something is wrong. I feel like I'm not going to wake up everytime I start to go to sleep. My chest feels like I can't get a good breathe. On and on.
So the nurses put the regular things on me to check vitals and so on. They were all good, everything was fine.
I wasn't giving up. I had to turn into my little bitch mode. I told the nurse well give me something to go to sleep and watch what they do!!!!! I could see my dad and daughters face getting red. They knew I was getting pissed. The nurse leaves.
Doctor comes in and tells me that hes sure I'm having an anxiety attack and everything is fine they are going to give me something to settle down and it may make me sleepy. I was pissed but in my own way was getting what I wanted. I needed to make sure that when I went to sleep, I was still breathing. Started getting groggy. But it was a different feeling.
Went and got several tests. I was thinking about all the money this was going to cost.
Here came the doctor again and said that he found the problem. I had gall stones and one of them was completely blocking my gallbladder. I don't remember reacting. Looked at my dad, daughter, sister-in-law. They had tired, relieved faces. It was in the middle of the night. Maybe that's why they were tired, or maybe they were tired of me being in the hospital, not sure. Probably both. But I was right, something was wrong. But what about my breathing? They were sticking to the anxiety attack. So I got pissy again. "I have had anxiety attacks for 15 years! I know what they feel like! This isn't it! Just relax. So now another surgery for gallbladder, great.
I was tired of waiting, had my sister-in-law go see what was going on. She leaves.
The noises of the machines..... Oxygen level was dropping, looking straight into daughters eyes she looked scared.
I told them.
Doctor comes in followed by sister-in-law and several nurses, what are they all running for. Nurses moving quickly around room. Family looking startled. Doctor says, "This is how people die" you have lots of blood clots in both of your lungs, "We are giving the medicine ten minutes, if its not better you will have to be flown out on flight for life and we will have to put you on life support!" Rolling fast down hospital hall, groggy, nurses telling me drink, drink, hurry. I remember trying to drink while laying down? I'm not sure. They were trying to get heparin, I think its called down me to thin my blood. Out.... Back... "Am I going to die?" nurse says, "No" I remember asking that several times, wanting reassurance. Or was I just thinking it?
Big hospital doors, opening, rolling, opening, fast... fast... fast... Where was I going? Where is my family? Oh God I'm dying. I'm in ICU

8 comments:

  1. I dont think youre dead miss. If blogging is what we to look forward to in the afterlife. I'll repent now, that would be hell. Im scared, now I dont want to die, hold me, just hold me.
    My Xgf had her gallbladder removed, in n out 48 hours, 3 little scars, well 2, the 3rd was in her navel. Im glad your alive tho. If I have to live, so do you:p

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  2. umm john I actually wasn't done, just didn't have time to finish. And the gallbladder wasn't the big problem if you keep reading, I had clots in both of my lungs. The gallbladder came later and yes it was a breeze. And since allot of people dont live through that many blood clots in their lungs I'm lucky to be alive, and thankful. I have shit left to do.

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  3. Thank you for your comment on my site a few days ago (coachyourmind)... very much appreciated.

    Reading your blog so far, it sounds like you're battling against some challenges on a daily basis, yeah?

    I'll definitely be following... hope you take a few seconds once in awhile to come back and read some more of my thoughts ~ I think we'll be able to share.

    Thanks again for your words.

    -Dayne

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  4. Oh, also ~ forgot to mention:

    We just had our first baby, and my wife also battled some postpartum depression... so thank you very much for sharing your experiences.

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  5. dayne is she ok? YOUR WIFE. Is the postartum gone?

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  6. thanks for keeping us posted while you're in the hospital fighting for your life. are you nuts? :) please get well soon.

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  7. Blood clots are a big deal, especially in the lungs. And then on top of it, both lungs! I hope you are feeling better. http://nursecentral.blogspot.com

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  8. sarah not in the hopistal it was four years ago; trust me I wounln't be writing from the hospital. But the nuts part, I would say that still fits.

    Nancy; thanks; Was just back in ER yesterday; sucks. I couldn't breathe. They ended up telling me that although I have a rod in my spine, it is curving more on top and on bottom. Pushing into my lung... I cant go through the surgery again unless I'm crawling though. It was just too much. And then you have to worry about the what 80 percent chance that the blood clots will come back and have a 9 hour surgery. I feel better now than I have in 10 years. Its just not time. yet.?

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