Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Now allot of people told me to take my little one to a counselor. She had severe seperation anxiety, which I hadn't really heard of or ever dealt with. This had to be the hardest thing to watch ever. At first you think that if you just tell them you are not going to leave them, try to explain about death, heaven, they will be alright, but this was something that was not going away. My little one got worse.
God knows that she had reason. I was trying to live for my kids and damaging the hell out of them at the same time especially the young one. I did everything possible to reasure her that all was good, mommie was good, everything was going to be ok. It didn't work and was a couple years of heart breaking agony watching her go through this. She had watched me almost die a couple of times and kids aren't stupid. They listen. They hear. They know.
You can try to keep it from them, hide the horrible stuff, but they are smart and know whats going on.
She had moved to my parents with me, watched all of my illnesses, her big sister moved, her brother moved, her dad was living at our old house, her grandma honey had just died, we moved to a new place, and she started a new school. Just to mention the big things. I have so much guilt over this. Although you try so hard to protect the kids, they are suffering so much. She acted so strong and I think that finally she just broke.
Before I talk about the seperation anxiety I just want to put down a couple of things that may help someone whos child is going through the loss of someone.
1. We live really close to my grandmas old house and pass it everyday. She would cry horrible. At this time she was about 6. She didn't want anyone else living in grandmas house and was angry. I let her write a letter to the owners of the house after talking to them about it. She wrote a long letter and asked them to please take care of her grandma honey's house. She went into specifics, which I think was good therapy for her. How to water the grass, what grandma liked and how she wanted someone to live there who loved the house. She basically asked them to take care of the house. I took her to the mailbox and let her put it in. Which I know your not supposed to do but they were watching. She smiled. Even if you can't put it in the mailbox you can pretend to mail it.
2. This worked good! I take her to get balloons, which her and grandma had talked about. As many as she wants. She writes notes on them and we set them free. She watches very carefully. They go up so far and then you cant see them anymore. She says, "Grandma got it". And is calm again.
3. I was really scared to do this but, when the people got all moved into grandmas they invited us in. I was scared and didn't think I could be strong enough for her. We had damn near lived there for years. But I had to do it. They took us to each room and let her look around. She told them stories about each room. Its weird there wasn't any grandma left there which is the way it is supposed to be I guess. It looked beautiful, grandma would have loved it. I realize that you cant do this with all losses but it helped actually both of us.
4. Eventually, I just had to go all out and try to explain everything to her. She doesn't let things go. I told her my beliefs. That grandma was so happy now. She was playing with her little boy and had so much family in heaven. Went into the pain. etc. At this stage I was still shattered, my gutt would hurt as im consoling her. I did belive what I was saying, but I was still pissed that she left me. Very selfish. I'm told thats a phase you go through I dont know.
5. I let her write letters to heaven for grandma and mailed them, or let her mail them.
6. And after three years of the hell of seperation anxiety she has a full schedule, gymnastics, gate, band, school. Dont give them too much time to think. I had to keep her busy. Although I felt like crawling in bed and crying. Just wanted to sleep. I had to keep her moving, which actually was a big help to me also. I didn't like it though. lol.
7. She made a photo album of her and grandma
8. I let her hang pictures of her. She put one right by where she sleeps. I wasn't sure if that was a good idea. But if they request it then why not. She still looks at it everymorning and is concerned that she is forgettting grandma. So I encourage her to write down things that she remembers about her, anything. She has quite a collection.
9. She still sleeps with the blanket that grandma always used. Thats ok to me. So what. It was actually her blanket and grandma liked it so she let her use it. Now I will admit when grandma first died she wanted to wear one of her big nightgowns and I let her. She wore her nightgown to sleep for about a week and the phase was over. She said that it smells like grandma and "thats all I need"
10. Let them talk, talk, talk, if they will. I didn't know most answers. When I didn't know how to answer I just told her that. It will drive you a little crazy. Our minds are trying to process all of this shit and questions are coming left and right. She was bad with this, I mean all day everyday. So what I did was tell her ok, we are going to talk about anything on your mind, grandma, memories, whatever you want, but only at 6:00 at night. The rest of the day we are going to try real hard to be happy and look for things to be happy about. I was very surprised to hear her agree to that. It worked, everynight we would talk about the same stuff until I thought I was going to go crazy. Everntually the conversation got shorter. Then they stopped. She had either talked it out or found anotherway to cope that was working
I am sure I will think of more but thats a start. She has allot of faith in God and I don't even have to push her. Prayers really helped her, she would say them and then say now what do I say? I told her you say whatever you want to, so she will go on for fifteen minutes. She tells God to say hi to grandma and did she get her balloons, on and on. Seems to really help her and actually I enjoy listening to her.
I never thought she would get better or get rid of the anxiety and sepreation anxiety, but she has. Thank God. Shes doing great. It took a long time. So much patience. But we did it.!!!!
Friday, September 25, 2009
Now I still have depression and manage it, I function. Which is what most people have. But if you have depression to the point of not wanting to live you need to see a doctor.
I know allot of people who refuse to take medication. I personally won't go off of it again. I wish that I was one of the people who could get on it for a year or six months and feel normal again, but I'm not. I have tried going off my medication many times and will try no more. Apparently my brain needs it. I kinda have a rule that will sound stupid. But when you take medication like for anxiety, some people I guess pay big bucks for that stuff for the feeling. I can't tell that I take it so that is how I know that my body needs it. Make sense? Probably not.
There are people who use other things instead of taking pills. I know people who wont take them because you cant drink with them. They would rather drink. Thats their business. For me I take medication.
I was one of those people who had a hard time taking care of myself, yet nobody knew cause I was damn good at hiding it for a long time. I loved to sleep and to be honest when I'm stressed thats what I do sometimes. But I also walk allot now. I swim, ride my bike. This would have been unheard of years ago. And its not that I didn't want to, I just couldn't get the .... I don't know what you call it. My body hurt, my brain hurt. lol. Some people called me lazy. I think that when a person lays in bed for months and doesnt leave the house for months, its not because they want to something is wrong with them.
Just to brag for one sec. lol. My daughter and I were talking yesterday. The older daughter. I told her that I had to get out of the damn house, couldn't stand it anymore. I can't stay indoors all day now. This is the time I've been waiting for. I love to do things, and if I would have known that a walk or swim took this much stress away, I would hope that I would have done it years ago.\
Although when your depressed a walk, shower, anything is a huge effort.
When I first started walking I could only make it a couple of blocks because of my blood clots and my lungs. I went out everyday for two years and went just a little bit more each day. I'm up to two miles a day now! Its been a long road but well worth it. I love to look at the trees, animals, I even look at the rocks. lol. I try to enjoy every piece of that hour I'm walking.
So I guess what I'm saying is that I was about as low as you can get and you can get better. I'm not going to tell you that I feel great everyday. I'm in constant pain, and I truely still struggle with anxiety and depression. But I get my ass up and by God take that walk everyday.
And I stopped when my grandbaby was born and my husband moved down here. It sucked. My stress level went through the roof. So, I started again. I dont care if the roof is falling in I have to take care of myself at this point in my life.
I taught myself to swim last year and found that it is the only thing that doesnt make me sore or hurt my back. Great excercise for those of you with back problems, and has helped anxiety and depression. The hardest part is taking the time for yourself to do it.
When you are so far down that you cant do anything my advice to you would be to take one day at a time. If thats too hard take a half hour at a time. Dont lay in bed awake worrying about things at night. Go ahead and get up. Watch tv or read a book.
My schedule took years to get back. I guess thats ok cause it took years to get so bad. I was and pretty much still am a night owl. I think its the peace and quiet. lol. I had to go from staying up all day and night. Then I would stay up all night and sleep all day. And after a long time I make myself go to sleep, although its usually late, and I make myself stay up during the day.
Now dont think that I just go to sleep, I'm far from that and don't understand how people just go to sleep, although I know I did for the first twenty years. I have to take medication for sleep also. Another crutch.
But if I dont look at the clock when I go to sleep my anxiety level is so much better, I'm not so tired in the morning. Another mind trick to me. If I look at the clock then I sit there and count how many hours of sleep I'm going to get, figure that is not enough for me, and I swear I'm tired in the morning.
I cant tell you how important sleep is to me with my depression. If I don't get sleep I get worse. Sleep is a must and although I say I make myself stay up all day. I will take a nap if i dont feel right. I have to have sleep. And if your not sleeping, you know. I did take stuff like Tylenol pm for years, it worked for sleep. Although some people feel tired the next morning, I did anyway. But eventually my doctor put on medication to sleep. I went through allot of different pills, nothing seemed to work. I now take a muscle relaxer and sleep great. It takes my spasms from my back away and I sleep well most of the time.
Weather has a big effect on me. I need sunshine. Which is actually a fact. The sun gives you a certain vitamin I think it is that is very important. Check into it but I'm pretty sure that you are supposed to get sun between the hours of 10 and 12 am. When it get cold and gloomy so do I. This really isn't in my head although I feel like it is sometimes. I really feel like shit when it is cold. I dont like winter at all and if I was rich I would have a place with palm trees and and ocean for the winters. Yea that would be great! I will tell you that although I know its bad for your skin, I will go to a tanning bed usually in the winter. It makes me feel better, I dont know if its the fake light, the heat, but it does the job.
Little things make people happy if they take the time to do them. I do things that I never used to but have found that it helps. Take my 2 year old nephew for a walk, they find the good in everything. Garden. Play with my dog, God I would have never done that before. Go somewhere with my kids, just little things that take up your day. Try to enjoy them. Make yourself, it takes practice. I have always enjoyed doing things with my kids though, but I take allot more time now to do it. I used to clean, clean, clean. Cook, cook cook, yea thats pretty much over. lol.
Find someone who relates to you and doesnt act like your crazy to talk to when your having a rough time.
Laugh, laugh, laugh. Or cry whatever you feel like.
I think that I live like I think others want me to still. I'm working on it.
For me: Faith in God has helped me more than anything. When nobody else is there for you, he always is.
Another thing that I don't know if other people go through so that bothers me is when I get sick. As in a cold or flu. My depression shoots sky high. It pisses me off. So remember if this happens to you and your getting sick thats why your feeling like your depression is worse. My dad always has to remind me of that.
If you are really depressed right now then your not going to be swimming etc. but talk to yourself. Sounds stupid but it will help after a while. Tell yourself, tomorrows a new day and will be better. The medication takes time. Although, they tell you that you won't feel a difference for like two months. I disagree with that, but thats just me. I could tell in a couple of weeks if it was working or not. Maybe not the full effect but you can feel your head getting a little bit clearer
Last thing I will put down for now is if you are going to have friends during this time, which I hope you have a couple to help you, they have to be positive with you. Hand around people that dont sit there and tell you what your doing wrong, do what your doctor says. Unless they have been through it, I might listen to them. Maybe they were able to find something that might help you. God bless All of you
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Monday, September 21, 2009
She wanted to go home and to be honest I was wishing that we would have never taken her to the hospital. It sounds bad, but it wasn't doing any good, she was getting worse. I couldn't have lived with myself if we wouldn't have taken her to the hospital though. So there she was.
She would always make us do her hair, nails, feet, just make sure that "If something happened to her she would be clean." She would say that she needed clean clothes just incase. I would always tease her and tell her that the first thing she was going to do is shit her pants so it wouldn't matter. A good way to make her smile.
Grey shiny hair, she was so full of fluid, and moaning. Horrible pain, uncomfortable, just plain miserable. I would go out of the room or into her bathroom wanting to throwup. She didn't even care how she looked.
She woke up and told me that the color of the walls was awful. So unlike Grandma. She didn't like the picture hanging on the wall. And now I had to put a mask and little cover over my body everytime I was around her or went out of the room.?????
They had warned all of us that she was contagious which in hindsight probabaly made her feel worse. We had so many babies in the family and everyone was being consious. She probably felt like she wasn't important cause everyone wasn't coming to see her.
So that night she told me that she wanted to go home and to help her out of the bed. I lied to her and told her that my husband was coming down to get the locks off of the bed because there were locks on the rails so that she wouldn't fall out. She got mad at me. Grandma had never talked to me like that. I was in shock. She said, "Well then I will just get out by myself. Out of all of the people, you won't even help me!" I told her that he was on his way but I knew that she was too weak to get out of bed. She had been laying there for too long. But she was hell bent on trying. It was sad. She grabbed the railings and started pulling herself to one side. She kept telling me to help her. I thought I would use the excuse of my back and I told her I couldn't with my back. She just hated me right then. I feel bad for something that I said to her. I said " You will just have to do it yourself cause I don't want you to fall and get hurt." I should have just taken ahold of her and acted like I was trying to help her get up! She might have went for that, but she was so mad at me. Once I saw that she had one leg through the railing and was going to get stuck i started pushing the nurse button. I can remember just standing there... It was like slow motion. I had never seen her like this.
The nurses weren't coming so I don't know what made me move except she was going to get up and she was pulling on the IV. I had all of the shit on that I was trying to get off. The gloves, mask, etc. I tried but didn't have time. I took off down the hall and told anyone who would listen that they better get in there or she was going to be on the floor.
When they got to the room I liked how they handled her. They asked her if she needed to go to the bathroom and she lied and said yes. lol. They did try to let her get up and it was the last time I saw grandma fight or try to do something. She tried so hard, layed back down, and said I just can't. She had given up. I kept telling the nurse to please check her heart rate etc. that I could see her chest rising and then It would stop. When she would breathe, you could see her chest rise then like bounce. The nurse told me that she could tell what it was by watching it.?? And that they were monitoring her from another room so they would know if she was going in cardiac arrest. Made me feel better. I guess. Also, pissed me off that she didn't check when I asked her to.
I left the next morning. She was still mad at me for not taking her home. The last night together and we didn't even talk. She was so sick. I tried to talk to her. Her favorite tv show was on. She just turned away.
The next morning I told her that I was going to go check on the neighbors house and cat. She probably thought I was lying. I knew that she was not there when she asked me if I had any ko's she called them. Tampons for short.?? What?? I told her no. She said well will you go get me some and then go look at the art, it beautiful. I told her I would. And do you know, I don't even remember kissing her goodbye, or telling her how much I really loved her. That makes me sick. Was I afraid of catching something? Did I do it? I cant remember.
I got home and couldn't find the neighbors damn cat. Finally found it. Then their pond had stopped working so I called a guy about it. Went and got my little one. Came into my house, sat on my bed, and called the hospital. This was the absolute worst minute of my life....
Asked to speak to Grandmas nurse to see how she was. A nurse got on the phone and I told her who I was. She said, "Um yes we have been trying to get ahold of her son, she has been in cardiac arrest for two minutes and they are working on her" my heart was beating through my chest, my body was going numb, pictures of grandma laying there getting cpr were going through my head. I told the nurse that she had a dnr and she said that she didn't have that down. I just hung up.
Called my friend to come get my daughter, pretty much threw her in my neighbors house, called mom and my uncle while driving to grandmas house. My aunt was there, flew into the house and I was screaming but don't know what I was saying, ran to grandmas neighbors and they came to watch my aunts kids. It didn't take me long to get there, but too long.
I pulled up to the hopital, took off running and went to the wrong door. I had just had the clots not long before then so I guess I wasn't looking good. Ran to the other door and saw my mom and dad. They were just standing there! Why wasn't anyone in there with grandma? They told me that she was on life support and they were waiting for the doctors to get done so that we could see her. I fell to my knees, started crying like I have never cried before. It came from my gutt and I couldn't stop. My mom put her oxygen on me.
When we went in she wasn't in her room. She was in the emergency room?? OH MY GOD .... She was laying there with this hose in her mouth, which would have scared her to death. She hated anything over her face. The pounding of my heart kept getting louder, I could hear it in my ears. I was looking around at people and wondering why everything was going so slow, somber.
Her body was going into seizures every minute or so.. Absolutely the worst thing ive ever seen. If she would have just been laying there. But her body would jump and shake. It looked painful, but I wasn't sure that she was even with us. I still don't know. Could she hear us? Feel us? What was she thinking? Was she in pain? I still wonder these things.
I asked my mom why she was on life support. Can she come back to us? But, it was for a whole other reason. Grandma had put a part in her living will I guess you call it that she would be on life support for three days.
I was confused: How could you just let someone lay there in seizures for three days. Then your also thinking shes there, your able to touch her, very selfish thoughts but I was thinking them. I couldn't stand it, everone said their goodbyes. I sat and held her hand. Studied her face somemore, then whispered in her ear as I was rubbing my hand through her soft gray hair. I told her " Who am I going to talk to now?" Then I found myself trying real hard not to be selfish. "Go ahead grandma, go to your baby, I will see you soon." "I know your tired, I love you, and your my best friend." "Go ahead grandma, everyone will take care of eachother" "Just let go, this is too much for you" "I love you, and I will miss you so much. Thank God I had you in my life" "Goodbye Grandma."
And I was shattered, my heart was empty.
The crying was uncontrollable.
The kids all had to sign some paper saying that if she had another heart attack that the doctors could just let her go. I couldn't go back. And I have a horrible guilt for that. Very selfish.
I truely believe that she waited for everyone to come say bye. The phone rang two days later, she was gone. Relief? Yes. The waiting... wondering... watching her seizing in my dreams. It was over.
My grandma used to call my daughter, sugar baby. And my daughter called my grandma "Grandma honey". When I told my daughter she said that she knew I was just joking and lets go see grandma honey. It took two days for her to believe me. Heart breaking. The start of seperation anxiety... what a nightmare.
Ok so thats all I'm going to right about my grandma and her death. I thought I would feel better after writing it. Maybe I do, as the tears are running down my face. I'm going to do my best to remember all of the good times and to remember that she is happy, not sick, and that I will see her soon.
I took my daughter to the beach a few weeks later. It had been planned for a long time and grandma didn't want us to go. But in the last few months she told me that she wanted me to go and that she never wanted her sugar baby to be sad. So we went, sat on the beach, and then went and looked at some art, and it was beautiful!
Sunday, September 20, 2009
She had felt for the last year that she couldnt remember things good, was forgetting names, it really bothered her. They had said that she was in the early stages of something. I cant remember the name. It wasnt alzheimers, but something like that. It really bothered her. The time she was in before they were giving her these "tests" she called them. And would start crying and get so anxious because she either thought she didn't do good or couldn't remember the questions. What the hell! I know its probably procedure but when its one of yours its different.
I didn't eat, i was so sick to my stomach. I would see her get a little better, then worse, she sounded like she was having conjestive heart failure. Aweful sound coming from her lungs or chest when she would breathe.
This night was kinda a blur. I remember thinking how much I loved her, but yet how horrible she must be feeling. I felt sorry for her. And had the gall to feel sorry for myself because I might lose her. I was good with her, but inside was very selfish and would have done about anything to keep her in my life.
I asked her "What would I do without you?" She said "Oh you'll be fine" Almost like she was trying to piss me off. Like she was trying to push me away. I sat there and studied every feature on her hands, which I loved. I studied every feature of her face. Her perfect eyebrows, lips, nose, everything. She was just one of those older ladies that was beautiful. Maybe even prettier as she aged. I always told her "Your so pretty grandma" she would just say shoot hunny now quit. lol.
You know the sad thing that I can't get over. No matter how hard I studied her features, so that I would never forget her, I am. Of course I will never forget her but the memories of her face, smile, giggle, are starting to fade and that makes me sick. Maybe thats the way it supposed to be? So that you move on. And another thing that bothers me is that you think that you can't ever live without someone who is so special, but you do. And I have went through a guilty phase for that. Its almost like if you start to forget about them, then that is saying that they weren't that important to you, and thats sad to me.
I told her that I was watching my neighbors house and cat and had to run home and check on it and feed the cat. She really didn't want me too. But I reassured her that I would be right back. I told her that I had to check on my little one, which I knew she would want me to do and maybe that would hold her off for a while. I don't remember driving home, I don't remember anything. Just driving back and in a hurry. Almost like I knew something was going to happen.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
As a child most of my memories are with her. Not because I didn't have good parents. She was the one who watched me and my three brothers while my parents worked. She was the most beautiful woman I had ever saw. Dark Black hair, perfect face, calm as an angel. She gained weight when she lost her little boy at the age of 3 or 4. She was still beautiful. Inside and out. I used to hug her and try to get my arms wrapped all the way around her. She gave us birthday parties every night that we stayed the night so we wouldn't bother papa. I used to watch her pick fuzz off of socks when they got out of the dryer for hours. She used to let us pick rubarb out of the neighbors yard and dip it into sugar. She always had breakfast, lunch, and dinner on, which after papa died and she never really cooked allot i figured that it may have just been expected of her, I dont know if she loved it? The most important thing about my grandma was that from the time I was little till the time she passed away, she never, once, made me feel like I was in her way, bothering her, putting her out, i was always welcome and even if she was tired of me she never showed it. My parents used to take us to church every weekend and I never asked but later in life grandma told me that she was so mad at God for so long for taking her little boy. She didn't understand. I guess I would feel like that too. She wasn't hateful about it, and I think she really wanted God in her life. And he was. She used to read the bible to me everynight when I was sick out of proverbs. Until my nerves were bad. lol. And of all the things she could leave me when she died, she left me her bible. What a blessing. And it made my heart feel good when I went through it. She never lost her faith, there were pictures of everyone who had gotten sick in the family, letters, things to remember. I will cherrish it forever, although i do have to tell you I have only opened it once. Maybe someday.
I think that I used to talk to my grandma atleast five times a day as a teenager and into my twenties. She always answered. lol. Grandma did everything for everyone. Her family was her life. And she was our life. She held everyone together, and would be disappointed if she knew how it was now. But would understand. She loved being in the womens' club and throwing parties. lol. She loved to laugh and have fun. And second best thing between me and grams was that she was the one person in my life that completely knew me..... I could dance, sing, act like I was funny, never ever had to act like I was someone else around her. Boy. do I miss that.
I moved into this house in september, grandma came over with our help and probably a liitle coaxing. I was just trying to get her out of the house. She hadn't been out in sooo long. Well, it was aweful. She didn't say that but me and my husband were helping her up our little stairs in the front and it sounded like her bones were breaking when we would even put our hands under her arms to help her up. I never again asked her to come over or pushed her to get up. It was a horrible sound and very sad.
In the next months she would lay in bed, she had one of those hospital beds in her frontroom. She was so sick. One thing after the other. She had high blood pressure, and diabetes at the end. Every pill had a side effect and was taken care of by another pill. I tried to make her laugh, but it didn't happen often now. I tried to make her want to live, but i think she had lost her will. She had her dog, which I swore saved her life when papa died, but I'm not sure she even worried about him anymore. Very sick. Thank God she had also given us her dog. I think that he has saved us. Just a little part of grandma. He ran to her house from mine for about a month. It was sad. Not so much anymore though. He is old but still something to hold onto.
The last time we took her to the hospital they had to transport her to a different city. about thirty minutes from here. At the hospital she was talking to me. I can remember trying to tease her. She told me never to let my little one be sad about her. I asked her to please fight grandma, please, what will I do without you. She sighed and said, "I'm not worth shootin" That used to be her little saying. I said "But who will be my best friend? Who will talk to me?" "She said, "I'm ready to go." I just ignored her.
She was transferred by ambulance and seemed to get worse right away. This first time I went in to see her, it was horrible. It wasn't even like grandma. I decided to stay a couple of nights with her after a few days. It was weird she would go from cardio, to neuro, to this and that. All over the hospital. The they told us that we had to wear a gown and mask to get into see her, I thought It was to protect her. But as Im writing I remember that she had something. Cant remember what it was. Her temperature was crazy, up and down. I was really worried about her heart. I could see her breathing and it looked like she was having allot of trouble. She was a tough woman too. I had never heard her moan like this. Just makes your stomach hit the floor. Grandma had survived breast cancer, something in her throat, both knees were operated on, both ankles had screws in them, she had her spine fused.
Just something she laughed about all of the time; A guy came over to check on her oxygen or some equiptment she was on at her house. I was in the kitchen and she said to him, "My family thinks that I have more than one screw loose. Do you think thats right?" He got so mad and said that was aweful for us to say. I made her tell him that she actually did have a real screw loose in her ankle, actually both ankles and he settled down. She laughed about that for a year. lol.
This first night I was at the hospital: to be cont. cant take anymore for the night.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
She was giving me that look.... I walked outside and felt weird. I sat down on the cement. I remember it was warm. Got the strength to go back in and sat on her floor. I was looking at her, and thinking at the same time i need to get to the hospital. I finally just said "Um guys I need to go to the emergency room." I don't know if they thought I was just shitting them or what. I don't know who I left my little one with, although I knew she was being taken care of . I got in my car and drove to the hospital.
Well if you remember from the blood clots story, at first they had told me it was my gallbladder. Yep thats what it was. The only good thing about blood clots is if you tell them you have a history of it. Trust me you don't sit in the waiting room. lol.
The surgery should have been a piece of cake. But no not with me. Since I had the blood clots and im not sure if I was still on cumadin to thin my blood. But it had to be thin and then after words they had to put something in it so that I wouldn't get clots again. It was one of the best hospital visits I ever had.
Guess who was in the room next to me? Grandma. I had my surgery, let them get my blood right and then went next door. I feel bad, I dont know what was wrong with her that time. But I went next door and said "Hi Grandma, guess who is in the room right next to you?" she smiled. She said "Hunny, shouldn't you be in bed getting ready for surgery?" I said "No, I'm done now lets get out of here. Hurry and get your clothes. I was acting like I was just going to take her out of there" Its silly but I felt good having her close to me. We both were in there several days. And the best part is that everyone always brought grandma stuff to hospital, she loved presents. And she would say "Well, thats sad, dont you think you should get tammy something." So I got gifts too!!!lol.
This was the only time I've been in the hospital where I was speechless. Mad. Confused???
The doctor that was doing my surgery told me that I was going to die a young women if I didn't get into a lower altitude. He was kinda rude about it, but maybe thats what I needed. He said that with my history my organs were just going to keep failing. Pissed my husband off. Of course he loves the mountains. I was wrong no matter what I did. "How does he know how you feel in the altitude?" well, I feel like shit I said. I walk around a big house by myself on oxygen all day and wait for you to get home. That didn't go over well. lol.
Never went back home for more that a few hours. Back at moms. What the hell was going on? Its an awful thing to be trying to please everyone and not make anyone mad or have to make hard decions. I took it a day at a time. My parent never really got into anything or told me what to do, but they were very insistant that I stay in a lower altitude. Which is not as simple as it seems.
Every other house is in forclosure and we are going to try to sell our house.? We stayed at my parents and my husband would come down like once a week. It was hard.
I realized that I had to get better and healthier, in order to make better, healthier, decisions. It took almost a year. Then I told my husband, I have to get a life! A home! As I'm writing this, I remember how mad I was at him for not being with us. Working all the time. But now I'm thinking what a burden that was to put on him. Now he was going to be paying for two houses? I wanted him to move down with me, but I think, well i know, that he was trying to wait it out. Let my lungs and body get healthier, so I could move home.
My 6 year old was going through horrible seperation anxiety, which I didn't even know of. It was horrible. I'm so glad that she is doing better. She had a rough couple of years and is the type of kid who doesn't think like a kid. She has to understand everything, you can't hide anything from her. Eventually I had to get her a doctor. Just broke my heart. The shit everyone was going through over me and I'm not feeling sorry for myself. Seriously, It was horrible to sit by and watch all who I loved going through hell and I couldn't do anything about it. I could help my daughter but It took two years to get her better. My doctor told me as I get better, she will get better. And she was right. Thank God.
But going through this with her, helping my grandma as much as possible, trying to start living again, functioning again, gave me inner anger that I would have to realease at some point. And All of it finally came out the week my grandma died.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her
She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my wine.
She's such a bitch.....
Thursday, September 10, 2009
I cried like a baby when I went home. But it was so good to be there again. Now I started noticing right away that I couldn't breathe well. I was put on oxygen which sucked so bad. I was what? 35 on oxygen walking around. Alive, but on oxygen. I couldn't really leave my house unless I went to a lower elevation so as I got a little better I would drive to grandmas or moms. It was stupid. I would stay for a week at a time.
Oxygen was like 500 a month up at my house. I layed in bed allot. Just like before. Pretty much in the middle of nowhere. Which I used to love. But i was scared now. If I got blood clots again, I had pretty much no chance of surviving from that far away. Here comes the anxiety big time. Pure fear.
The smell of my own house. Looking out the window at the beautiful mountains, fields of green grass. Always deer, elk, all kinds of wildlife. I tried, but it was really taking a tole on me. See when you go to a higher altitude your blood gets thicker. Which is ok unless you just had multiple clots in both of your lungs. I kept thinking I was going to get better. My heart felt like it was beating out of my chest all of the time. I didn't understand. It was explained to me that I had so much scar tissue in each of my lungs that my heart had to work so much harder to get oxygen to it. So oxygen goes through a layer to put get into your blood, but mine had to go through several because of the scar tissue. They said that it could take up to ten years for my lungs to heal. Could I live like this for that long? Did I want to? What to do?
Sounds like a pretty easy answer right?
Ten years earlier; Driving to the property that we had always dreamed of having. Yellow sunflowers lined both sides of the dirt road to it. We sat on the hill to see where the sun would hit at each time of the day. Watched all of the wildlife. It was like heaven. We had our dream house planned. Material things yes. Still important, I had allot of good times there, happy times. But yet, in the end I had to make a choice that would effect my children, husband, our lives. How lucky we were. We had enough money to pay for the property which had a pond on it, ten acres, it was beautiful. Lots of people thought we were crazy to pay what we did for that property. But we had always wanted it. Well just like life, you hit alot of obstacles. You always run into things that you didn't expect, when it comes to expenses. Right as the roof was going up the hurricane hit. Lumber prices trippled and needless to say, the loans started building.
Never the less, we raised two kids there and our little one for about four years. It was a place where everyone was always welcome. My kids always had friends there and it was far enough out of the little town. Just right. We had great times. I enjoyed every moment I had with my children there.Well until they became teenageers. lol. no really. I was going to live there forever. I'm not a person who likes change and never ever thought that I would leave my home. I used to tell my husband "If you are planning on selling this one, your leaving without me. lol" And now I was the one who needed to move.
When I went home I was happy to be there but scared to death. All of the what ifs started. What if I pass out from lack of oxygen and my little one is here alone.?? on and on. And who was there for me?? I thought everyone would miss me. Would come see me. Come help me or just visit. Another great lesson in life. Don't think that you are too important to people. Very good lesson for me. Just because they are important to me doesn't mean I am to them. In their defense everyone has their own family, responsibilities, commentments, lives. I felt sorry for myself cause nobody was there for me. But it really wasn't their responsibility. Although, I will tell you. This lesson also taught me to always be there for people who need me. I do my best. And I would have never made it through it if it wasn't for my kids, dad and mom, grandma, a couple friends, and although I have held a huge, silent grudge cause my husband was always at work, he in his own way was there.
Our house was big. I couldn't keep up with it. Just not enough oxygen. We were at about 7000 ft. in elevation. I started slipping back into deep depression, fighting like hell everyday, not to ever go to that dark
place again. I used to set there and look. Just look. I loved that place. I had a memory for every single spot in that house. I loved the property. But as time went on, I don't know. I just didn't know what to do. I knew that if we were forced to move due to my health it was going to be a huge deal. We were broke from doctor and hospital bills. Which makes you feel oh so much worse when your laying there in bed. I truely felt like my husband felt that I had caused all of this harship and recented me for it. He says no. But how could he not? And I did, I was sick for so long. It makes it so much harder when your racking up medical bills and can't even help pay for them. Im sure that he recented me and then I recented him for recenting me. Confusing.
My parents and grandma lived at about 5000 ft elevation. Which is weird that it made such a huge difference but I pretty much ran down here every chance I got.
It may have saved my life. I didn't need oxygen.
And I will tell you something that is kind of embarrassing because I don't know how many people have these feelings. But, when I thought it was going to snow. I took off. It didn't hardly snow where grandma was. I mean it freaked me out. Anxiety got out of control. I felt clastophobic, stranded. Alone, desperate. And I was raised in the snow. I drove in snow my whole life. I jsut dont understand. Also, the cold weather really started getting to me. I absolutely began to hate it. I swear it was harder to breathe. At grandmas only fifty minutes away it was alway aboout 15 degrees warmer. My whole marriage I never went anywhere without my husband, and now i was running constantly.
When I would get to lower elevation it was like something heavy was being lifted off of my chest. I didn't need oxygen. I loved it here. But I missed my house. And I know its just material; its the memories that get me.
I had never really been in a city. this is by no means a big city but it has everything you need. I was used to driving an hour to even get groceries. It was kina nice. I liked hearing neighbors for the first time. Made me feel better, which is weird cause I used to get so mad when someone would build a house around ours in the country. lol.
I like talkig to people and my daughter playing with the neighborhood kids. Little things, that made my life so much easier and my anxiety so much better.
At this time as I was going back and forth i felt good about it cause I felt good at the lower altitude. My grandma was getting sick though, she had allot of things wrong with her. So this was my chance; I took care of her. I loved being with her. It was sad though, she started just functioning, trying to make it through the day. I would try to make her laugh, she would. But you could tell it was jst for me. She also had a back surgery, and I'm sure that she never was the same.
So was trying to help grandma, kept going back and forth, and got a call. My grandma was really sick but wouldn't go to the doctor. She hated when I would come because she know I would call the ambulance. lol. So went down to get grandma to the doctor, well God had a different plan for me.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
(This is touching!!!)
Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."
"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fuckin' sheet rock..."
Monday, September 7, 2009
THE EMAIL WAS CALLED FIREARMS REFRESHER COURSE.
1. "Those who hammer their guns into plows will plow for those who do not." ~Thomas Jefferson
2. Those who trade liberty for security have neither. ~John Adams
3. Free men do not ask permission to bear arms.
4. An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a subject.
5. Only a government that is afraid of its citizens tries to control them.
6. Gun control is not about guns; it's about control.
7. You only have the rights you are willing to fight for.
8. Know guns, know peace, know safety. No guns, no peace, no safety.
9. You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.
10. Assault is a behavior, not a device.
11. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday.
12. The United States Constitution (c) 1791. All Rights Reserved.
13. The Second Amendment is in place in case the politicians ignore the others.
14. What part of 'shall not be infringed' do you NOT understand?
15. Guns have only two enemies; rust and politicians.
16. When you remove the people's right to bear arms, you create slaves.
17. The American Revolution would never have happened with gun control.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
When I woke up I remember thinking, "What am I even doing here?" enough is enough. Then my dad, mom, husband, and kids came in. That's what I'm here for. Although to be honest, I still kinda had a gloomy feeling about being there. But the day I woke up I thought allot. And although I know your not supposed to, I slipped into the, "Why is all of this happening to me?" What is it that I am supposed to do with my life? And I feel really bad because for moments when my family came in, i still didn't feel like I had anything to look forward to. I'm very blessed. I'm alive. I have a great family, well you know all families are a little nuts. lol. I went through horrible sadness, frustration, anger. I had life choices to make and really didn't want to at the time. What is it that Joel Osteen says?" Don't be a victim be a victor. I don't know why I have had all of this happen to me, but there is a reason and I just need to stick my heels in and push forward.
But let me tell you; There were hundreds of times in the past few years even before this , I struggled to even get out of bed. Eat. I could have slept for a year and wouldn't have cared. In fact I loved to sleep. I would go days without taking a shower. I found it very hard to even function.
And I remember them standing and praying over me allot. I was having a hard time focusing. I was literally so scared. It was all touch and go I could be good one minutes and bad the other.
ICU was good. There were only certain hours for visitors and I think that I needed that. Everyone has advice and my mind was too tired. I should have done this, that. I shouldn't have done this, that. You know everyone is just trying to help. They really don't know what to say or do and don't' realize that sometimes its nice to just have someone sit there. Just sit. No talking.
I remember them bringing the phone into me and my mom was telling me that my little one was at the doctor and she was sick. I don't know what happened but something did on the monitors cause the nurse came in and took the phone and I was asked not
to talk on it for the rest of the day. It made my heart rate go too high. I acted like it bothered me but it really didn't. Any bad news, good news, it was all stress to me. Its a weird feeling when you feel like your mind can't handle anything else.
The routine was stressful. Heparin to keep my blood thin, everything you eat either clots or thins your blood it seems like. You can't get well without eating. I guess. Blood work constantly, all night, every night. They kept me in ICU for about two weeks. And I was happy about that cause I didn't know what I was doing. The nurses were great. But something happened there that still bothers me....
A doctor came in who wasn't my doctor just the one who had that shift. He gave me a pill and an aspirin. Now I do have to tell you that from all of these experiences I watch things closely, doesn't matter how close to death I am. I ask allot of questions, and I'm sure drive them crazy. Anyway, next thing I know my doctor comes in in his camouflage, Definitely not working that day but was checking on me. I immediately told him what they gave me, an estrogen pill and an aspirin, and that i told them that i wasn't suppose to have estrogen. They had already gave me that lecture and told me that I would just have to go through the menopause without anything.
Next thing I know, my doctor goes out and I could see everything through my window. He starts throwing crap everywhere. The other doctor is yelling, my doctor walks out. oops I started something.
So a couple hours later someone who i swore to God I would never say came in and knelt by my bed. She said if you ever say that I said this I will deny it. I told her that I wouldn't. She said very simply, "You know, you do have the right to ask for the doctors manual or handbook for the medications." and walked out. I didn't know what was going on and asked the nurse if I could use the phone. I called my doctor that I have went to for years and told her what had happened and what I should do. She told me never to take estrogen, that's probably what gave me the clots in the first place.
I waited for the next shift and politely asked for the doctor medicine handbook. It may not be called that. Any way I go to what they gave me and it says more or less never to give to someone with blood clots and something about a ridiculous chance it would give me more. why would that doctor do that. ? Are the doctors fighting about who's the smartest.? I didn't know. but when that doctor came in the next morning I told him never to give me it again. He said well I gave you aspirin to thin your blood also. I told him again. never.
Later a nurse showed me my papers which I requested to see and there was obviously a big fight going on one page had a big sticker NO ESTROGEN; It even went clear to the board I guess and there was a paper in there from the pharmacy that said NO ESTROGEN.
HOW FAST THEY CAN SAVE YOUR LIFE AND HOW FAST THEY could KILL YOU with a little pill!!!!
I had a small chip on my shoulder after a week or so and told everyone when I say I'm sick I'm sick. Several people have told me "Your always sick". Yea and I really enjoy it. I know that there are a few people who say they are sick all of the time. But the reality is, most people would not lay in a bed for months, and want to go to emergency rooms, and swear that there was something wrong with them if there isn't.
My dad. Oh how lucky a person could be. I never woke up in ICU when my dad wasn't sitting by my bed. My mom had my kids, and that was a huge job. My daughter saw me almost die, they were all going through there own separate little hell. I never thought that my husband cared much, but he is just the type of person that doesn't show emotion real well.
My mom took care of us for several more months. Probably 6. I was on cumadin for six months and my dad would take me to town and have my blood drawn three times a week.
When you have blood clots everything is affected. Everything that I liked to eat, I couldn't. The kinda rule of thumb was if its green it will make your blood clot. I still remember my doctor telling me that i could have a teaspoon of iceberg salad with dinner???? crazy. So many things clot your blood. You learn though.
Final real advice that I received was never to move back up to my house where the altitude was so high. Well that left allot of options. I was about to kill my mom. She is sick anyway. I had our dream home up there, kids, a husband, his job. Our life. What the hell was I going to do. My husband was so mad he didn't understand it at all. But it all made since once I moved home.
Friday, September 4, 2009
My oldest daughter insisted on going which was a huge mistake, but I was too sick to argue. So we got to the emergency room and I told them what was going on. That I felt like I wasn't breathing good, something is wrong. I feel like I'm not going to wake up everytime I start to go to sleep. My chest feels like I can't get a good breathe. On and on.
So the nurses put the regular things on me to check vitals and so on. They were all good, everything was fine.
I wasn't giving up. I had to turn into my little bitch mode. I told the nurse well give me something to go to sleep and watch what they do!!!!! I could see my dad and daughters face getting red. They knew I was getting pissed. The nurse leaves.
Doctor comes in and tells me that hes sure I'm having an anxiety attack and everything is fine they are going to give me something to settle down and it may make me sleepy. I was pissed but in my own way was getting what I wanted. I needed to make sure that when I went to sleep, I was still breathing. Started getting groggy. But it was a different feeling.
Went and got several tests. I was thinking about all the money this was going to cost.
Here came the doctor again and said that he found the problem. I had gall stones and one of them was completely blocking my gallbladder. I don't remember reacting. Looked at my dad, daughter, sister-in-law. They had tired, relieved faces. It was in the middle of the night. Maybe that's why they were tired, or maybe they were tired of me being in the hospital, not sure. Probably both. But I was right, something was wrong. But what about my breathing? They were sticking to the anxiety attack. So I got pissy again. "I have had anxiety attacks for 15 years! I know what they feel like! This isn't it! Just relax. So now another surgery for gallbladder, great.
I was tired of waiting, had my sister-in-law go see what was going on. She leaves.
The noises of the machines..... Oxygen level was dropping, looking straight into daughters eyes she looked scared.
I told them.
Doctor comes in followed by sister-in-law and several nurses, what are they all running for. Nurses moving quickly around room. Family looking startled. Doctor says, "This is how people die" you have lots of blood clots in both of your lungs, "We are giving the medicine ten minutes, if its not better you will have to be flown out on flight for life and we will have to put you on life support!" Rolling fast down hospital hall, groggy, nurses telling me drink, drink, hurry. I remember trying to drink while laying down? I'm not sure. They were trying to get heparin, I think its called down me to thin my blood. Out.... Back... "Am I going to die?" nurse says, "No" I remember asking that several times, wanting reassurance. Or was I just thinking it?
Big hospital doors, opening, rolling, opening, fast... fast... fast... Where was I going? Where is my family? Oh God I'm dying. I'm in ICU
So my neighbors have had their house for sale for like a year. I love these people they are an older couple. They have been so good to me and my little girl.
I saw an inspection truck in their drive way yesterday, so I called them. I asked if they sold their house and he was telling me how they had a contract and it looked good. On and on. I said, "I'm going to shoot myself." Like I didn't want other neighbors you know. I don't want these people to leave. ok so let me tell you what happened about a month ago and why thats bad.
We have a pump ditch for water that you turn on and off two days a week to water your lawn. So I saw that he wasn't watering and he usually turns my water on for me, so I went over to check and see if he wanted me to go ahead and turn it off. I go to the door, and she usually answers. It takes a while. He answers and I asked where she was. The conversation goes on and she is in another state. His head ducks, and he said that his grandson committed suicide. My heart stopped I didn't know what to say. And he almost acted ashamed. God for the first time I had a loss for words.
So yesterday not even thinking, I tell him I'm going to shoot myself! What the H was I thinking. I'm so stupid. He said no your not, and thats when in my tiny little brain, I realized what I had said. Shit. I didn't apologize, I just kept listening to him about his plans.
I called my parents and told them. My dad is around the same age. He said. "Oh shit, sis." Then he said that they are smart enough to know its just a figure of speech. It was a mistake, and they know I was just talking. I hope so..... My mom wasn't so nice. lol. She said I always tell you to watch your mouth. OK so I vented, I feel so bad. I would never say anything to hurt someone like that. Shit!!!!
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Although some of you may not believe in God, I do. You may have gotten this already but I thought it was worth sharing.
The man slowly looked up. This was a woman clearly accustomed to the finer things of life. Her coat was new. She looked like she had never missed a meal in her life. His first thought was that she wanted to make fun of him, like so many others had done before. "Leave me alone," he growled...
To his amazement, the woman continued standing. She was smiling -- her even white teeth displayed in dazzling rows. "Are you hungry?" she asked. "No," he answered sarcastically. "I've just come from dining with the president. Now go away." The woman's smile became even broader. Suddenly the man felt a gentle hand under his arm. "What are you doing, lady?" the man asked angrily. "I said to leave me alone.
Just then a policeman came up. "Is there any problem, ma'am?" he asked.. "No problem here, officer," the woman answered. "I'm just trying to get this man to his feet. Will you help me?"The officer scratched his head. "That's old Jack. He's been a fixture around here for a couple of years. What do you want with him?" "See that cafeteria over there?" she asked. "I'm going to get him something to eat and get him out of the cold for awhile." "Are you crazy, lady?" the homeless man resisted. "I don't want to go in there!" Then he felt strong hands grab his other arm and lift him up.
"Let me go, officer. I didn't do anything." "This is a good deal for you, Jack," the officer answered. "Don't blow it." Finally, and with some difficulty, the woman and the police officer got Jack into the cafeteria and sat him at a table in a remote corner. It was the middle of the morning, so most of the breakfast crowd had already left and the lunch bunch had not yet arrived.
The manager strode across the cafeteria and stood by his table. "What's going on here, officer?" he asked. "What is all this, is this man in trouble?""This lady brought this man in here to be fed," the policeman answered. "Not in here!" the manager replied angrily. "Having a person like that here is bad for business."
Old Jack smiled a toothless grin. "See, lady. I told you so. Now if you'll let me go. I didn't want to come here in the first place." The woman turned to the cafeteria manager and smiled. "Sir, are you familiar with Eddy and Associates, the banking firm down the street?" "Of course I am," the manager answered impatiently. "They hold their weekly meetings in one of my banquet rooms." "And do you make a goodly amount of money providing food at these weekly meetings?""What business is that of yours?"
I, sir, am Penelope Eddy, president and CEO of the company." "Oh." The woman smiled again. "I thought that might make a difference." She glanced at the cop who was busy stifling a giggle. "Would you like to join us in a cup of coffee and a meal, officer?" "No thanks, ma'am," the officer replied. "I'm on duty." "Then, perhaps, a cup of coffee to go?" "Yes, ma'am. That would be very nice."The cafeteria manager turned on his heel, "I'll get your coffee for you right away, officer." The officer watched him walk away.
"You certainly put him in his place," he said.
"That was not my intent. Believe it or not, I have a reason for all this." She sat down at the table across from her amazed dinner guest She stared at him intently. "Jack, do you remember me?"Old Jack searched her face with his old, rheumy eyes "I think so -- I mean you do look familiar." "I'm a little older perhaps," she said. "Maybe I've even filled out more than in my younger days when you worked here, and I came through that very door, cold and hungry."
"Ma'amsaid questioningly. He couldn't believe that ?" the officer such a magnificently turned out woman could ever have been hungry. "I was just out of college," the woman began. "I had come to the city looking for a job, but I couldn't find anything. Finally I was down to my last few cents and had been kicked out of my apartment. I walked the streets for days. It was February and I was cold and nearly starving. I saw this place and walked in on the off chance that I could get something to eat."
Jack lit up with a smile. "Now I remember," he said. "I was behind the serving counter. You came up and asked me if you could work for something to eat.. I said that it was against company policy." "I know," the woman continued. "Then you made me the biggest roast beef sandwich that I had ever seen, gave me a cup of coffee, and told me to go over to a corner table and enjoy it.
I was afraid that you would get into trouble.Then, when I looked over, I saw you put the price of my food in the cash register I knew then that everything would be all right." "So you started your own business?" Old Jack said. "I got a job that very afternoon. I worked my way up. Eventually I started my own business that, with the help of God, prospered." She opened her purse and pulled out a business card. "When you are finished here, I want you to pay a visit to a Mr. Lyons.
He's the personnel director of my company.I'll go talk to him now and I'm certain he'll find something for you to do around the office." She smiled. "I think he might even find the funds to give you a little advance so that you can buy some clothes and get a place to live until you get on your feet.If you ever need anything, my door is always opened to you."
There were tears in the old man's eyes. "How can I ever thank you?" he said. "Don't thank me," the woman answered. "To God goes the glory. Thank Jesus... He led me to you." Outside the cafeteria, the officer and the woman paused at the entrance before going their separate ways.
"Thank you for all your help, officer," she said. "On the contrary, Ms. Eddy," he answered. "Thank you. I saw a miracle today, something that I will never forget.. And...And thank you for the coffee."