Broken- Still at my moms

I was a thirty years old bent down laying on my moms lap asking her to kill me. Like she would of. She just went along with it. I was so much work. I was so sick. She would get so mad at me practically force feeding me. I still could go without eating. My weight just kept going down, and you know what I didn't care. Thank God they cared. I would lay there and just watch my mom take care of my baby, my teenagers, thats all I cared about deep down. Who does that? I did. My dad used to ask me to play cards with him. I still remember how my brain wouldn't work. Everything was so hard to do. But he just kept it up, even when I didn't want to. You know just someone taking time to play cards with you; made a huge difference.

In my mind I had nothing to look forward to. Even though I had a baby there. I would wonder what I was even doing here. And you really do feel like a burden. My parents used to say look at this and have me look out the window at this and that. Like I cared. But they kept going, didnt give up on me. Its a good thing cause I'm sure I would have just layed there and let myself fade away.

My husband took me to the emergency room one night. I wanted to be put into a damn hospital. I went to a therapist one time and the first thing she told me was that if she felt like my kids were in danger she would have to report it. WHAT? I remember that and I was a good mom up to now, I made sure I was at my moms so they would be taken care of. I shut down. I couldn't think clearly, what If I said something wrong?? Back to the hospital, sorry, I jump around so much when I write. So I'm at the hospital and I tell the doctor that I've got postpartum depression, I explain everything. I was trying to tell him that I need help. They send a lady in to evaluate me. She said "Are you thinking about harming yourself or anyone else?" I said "NO, but I want to die." She said she was sorry but unless I had a plan or had considered how I would harm myself or someone else they couldn't help me. What a bunch of crap. Although, almost ten years later, I'm sure they all were just doing their jobs. I didn't have insurance so everyone I called either needed insurance or we made too much money to get help from them. Didn't have enough money to get help, on and on and on.

Your mind is so powerful. But when you think you've lost it, your broken.