Total Fear of returning home; "Our dream home" God how I loved it but...

Well it was time to move home. I was scared! I knew that my husband would be working all of the time. It was very hard moving out of a comfort zone. My house was about an hour from my parents. I loved my home and missed it sooo much. But I had barely lived through blood clots and it was a risk. To be honest I dont even know why I took it. It was my kids home, it was our dream home, that my husband built from ground up for us. But it was a good 40 minutes from the closest doctor or hospital. My gut was telling me how stupid it was but in my own way I knew how much everyone had gone through for years with me being sick and I wanted to just make their life normal again.
I cried like a baby when I went home. But it was so good to be there again. Now I started noticing right away that I couldn't breathe well. I was put on oxygen which sucked so bad. I was what? 35 on oxygen walking around. Alive, but on oxygen. I couldn't really leave my house unless I went to a lower elevation so as I got a little better I would drive to grandmas or moms. It was stupid. I would stay for a week at a time.
Oxygen was like 500 a month up at my house. I layed in bed allot. Just like before. Pretty much in the middle of nowhere. Which I used to love. But i was scared now. If I got blood clots again, I had pretty much no chance of surviving from that far away. Here comes the anxiety big time. Pure fear.
The smell of my own house. Looking out the window at the beautiful mountains, fields of green grass. Always deer, elk, all kinds of wildlife. I tried, but it was really taking a tole on me. See when you go to a higher altitude your blood gets thicker. Which is ok unless you just had multiple clots in both of your lungs. I kept thinking I was going to get better. My heart felt like it was beating out of my chest all of the time. I didn't understand. It was explained to me that I had so much scar tissue in each of my lungs that my heart had to work so much harder to get oxygen to it. So oxygen goes through a layer to put get into your blood, but mine had to go through several because of the scar tissue. They said that it could take up to ten years for my lungs to heal. Could I live like this for that long? Did I want to? What to do?
Sounds like a pretty easy answer right?

Ten years earlier; Driving to the property that we had always dreamed of having. Yellow sunflowers lined both sides of the dirt road to it. We sat on the hill to see where the sun would hit at each time of the day. Watched all of the wildlife. It was like heaven. We had our dream house planned. Material things yes. Still important, I had allot of good times there, happy times. But yet, in the end I had to make a choice that would effect my children, husband, our lives. How lucky we were. We had enough money to pay for the property which had a pond on it, ten acres, it was beautiful. Lots of people thought we were crazy to pay what we did for that property. But we had always wanted it. Well just like life, you hit alot of obstacles. You always run into things that you didn't expect, when it comes to expenses. Right as the roof was going up the hurricane hit. Lumber prices trippled and needless to say, the loans started building.
Never the less, we raised two kids there and our little one for about four years. It was a place where everyone was always welcome. My kids always had friends there and it was far enough out of the little town. Just right. We had great times. I enjoyed every moment I had with my children there.Well until they became teenageers. lol. no really. I was going to live there forever. I'm not a person who likes change and never ever thought that I would leave my home. I used to tell my husband "If you are planning on selling this one, your leaving without me. lol" And now I was the one who needed to move.

When I went home I was happy to be there but scared to death. All of the what ifs started. What if I pass out from lack of oxygen and my little one is here alone.?? on and on. And who was there for me?? I thought everyone would miss me. Would come see me. Come help me or just visit. Another great lesson in life. Don't think that you are too important to people. Very good lesson for me. Just because they are important to me doesn't mean I am to them. In their defense everyone has their own family, responsibilities, commentments, lives. I felt sorry for myself cause nobody was there for me. But it really wasn't their responsibility. Although, I will tell you. This lesson also taught me to always be there for people who need me. I do my best. And I would have never made it through it if it wasn't for my kids, dad and mom, grandma, a couple friends, and although I have held a huge, silent grudge cause my husband was always at work, he in his own way was there.

Our house was big. I couldn't keep up with it. Just not enough oxygen. We were at about 7000 ft. in elevation. I started slipping back into deep depression, fighting like hell everyday, not to ever go to that dark
place again. I used to set there and look. Just look. I loved that place. I had a memory for every single spot in that house. I loved the property. But as time went on, I don't know. I just didn't know what to do. I knew that if we were forced to move due to my health it was going to be a huge deal. We were broke from doctor and hospital bills. Which makes you feel oh so much worse when your laying there in bed. I truely felt like my husband felt that I had caused all of this harship and recented me for it. He says no. But how could he not? And I did, I was sick for so long. It makes it so much harder when your racking up medical bills and can't even help pay for them. Im sure that he recented me and then I recented him for recenting me. Confusing.
My parents and grandma lived at about 5000 ft elevation. Which is weird that it made such a huge difference but I pretty much ran down here every chance I got.
It may have saved my life. I didn't need oxygen.
And I will tell you something that is kind of embarrassing because I don't know how many people have these feelings. But, when I thought it was going to snow. I took off. It didn't hardly snow where grandma was. I mean it freaked me out. Anxiety got out of control. I felt clastophobic, stranded. Alone, desperate. And I was raised in the snow. I drove in snow my whole life. I jsut dont understand. Also, the cold weather really started getting to me. I absolutely began to hate it. I swear it was harder to breathe. At grandmas only fifty minutes away it was alway aboout 15 degrees warmer. My whole marriage I never went anywhere without my husband, and now i was running constantly.
When I would get to lower elevation it was like something heavy was being lifted off of my chest. I didn't need oxygen. I loved it here. But I missed my house. And I know its just material; its the memories that get me.
I had never really been in a city. this is by no means a big city but it has everything you need. I was used to driving an hour to even get groceries. It was kina nice. I liked hearing neighbors for the first time. Made me feel better, which is weird cause I used to get so mad when someone would build a house around ours in the country. lol.
I like talkig to people and my daughter playing with the neighborhood kids. Little things, that made my life so much easier and my anxiety so much better.
At this time as I was going back and forth i felt good about it cause I felt good at the lower altitude. My grandma was getting sick though, she had allot of things wrong with her. So this was my chance; I took care of her. I loved being with her. It was sad though, she started just functioning, trying to make it through the day. I would try to make her laugh, she would. But you could tell it was jst for me. She also had a back surgery, and I'm sure that she never was the same.
So was trying to help grandma, kept going back and forth, and got a call. My grandma was really sick but wouldn't go to the doctor. She hated when I would come because she know I would call the ambulance. lol. So went down to get grandma to the doctor, well God had a different plan for me.