"Your going to die a young woman" Again? Really?

Driving, feeling sharp pain under ribs. Its probably gas. lol. Maybe anxiety? Heading to grandmas. Trying to figure out how I'm going to get her to go to the hospital. I always felt allot better once I got into grandmas town. Elevation change ya know. So I get there and talk to her and pretty much tell her that I'm going to call the ambaulance. She hated when I did that. After papa died I don't ever really think she had the drive to live. She would alway say "When I go" or "I'm ready to go" I hated that. She was my wisdom, friend, grandma, angel from heaven. She held us together. We all had her in common. We all loved her.

She was giving me that look.... I walked outside and felt weird. I sat down on the cement. I remember it was warm. Got the strength to go back in and sat on her floor. I was looking at her, and thinking at the same time i need to get to the hospital. I finally just said "Um guys I need to go to the emergency room." I don't know if they thought I was just shitting them or what. I don't know who I left my little one with, although I knew she was being taken care of . I got in my car and drove to the hospital.


Well if you remember from the blood clots story, at first they had told me it was my gallbladder. Yep thats what it was. The only good thing about blood clots is if you tell them you have a history of it. Trust me you don't sit in the waiting room. lol. 


The surgery should have been a piece of cake. But no not with me. Since I had the blood clots and im not sure if I was still on cumadin to thin my blood. But it had to be thin and then after words they had to put something in it so that I wouldn't get clots again. It was one of the best hospital visits I ever had.


Guess who was in the room next to me? Grandma. I had my surgery, let them get my blood right and then went next door. I feel bad, I dont know what was wrong with her that time. But I went next door and said "Hi Grandma, guess who is in the room right next to you?" she smiled. She said "Hunny, shouldn't you be in bed getting ready for surgery?" I said "No, I'm done now lets get out of here. Hurry and get your clothes. I was acting like I was just going to take her out of there" Its silly but I felt good having her close to me. We both were in there several days. And the best part is that everyone always brought grandma stuff to hospital, she loved presents. And she would say "Well, thats sad, dont you think you should get tammy something." So I got gifts too!!!lol.


This was the only time I've been in the hospital where I was speechless. Mad. Confused???
The doctor that was doing my surgery told me that I was going to die a young women if I didn't get into a lower altitude. He was kinda rude about it, but maybe thats what I needed. He said that with my history my organs were just going to keep failing. Pissed my husband off. Of course he loves the mountains. I was wrong no matter what I did. "How does he know how you feel in the altitude?" well, I feel like shit I said. I walk around a big house by myself on oxygen all day and wait for you to get home. That didn't go over well. lol.


Never went back home for more that a few hours. Back at moms. What the hell was going on? Its an awful thing to be trying to please everyone and not make anyone mad or have to make hard decions. I took it a day at a time. My parent never really got into anything or told me what to do, but they were very insistant that I stay in a lower altitude. Which is not as simple as it seems.


Every other house is in forclosure and we are going to try to sell our house.? We stayed at my parents and my husband would come down like once a week. It was hard.


I realized that I had to get better and healthier, in order to make better, healthier, decisions. It took almost a year. Then I told my husband, I have to get a life! A home! As I'm writing this, I remember how mad I was at him for not being with us. Working all the time. But now I'm thinking what a burden that was to put on him. Now he was going to be paying for two houses? I wanted him to move down with me, but I think, well i know, that he was trying to wait it out. Let my lungs and body get healthier, so I could move home.


My 6 year old was going through horrible seperation anxiety, which I didn't even know of. It was horrible. I'm so glad that she is doing better. She had a rough couple of years and is the type of kid who doesn't think like a kid. She has to understand everything, you can't hide anything from her. Eventually I had to get her a doctor. Just broke my heart. The shit everyone was going through over me and I'm not feeling sorry for myself. Seriously, It was horrible to sit by and watch all who I loved going through hell and I couldn't do anything about it. I could help my daughter but It took two years to get her better. My doctor told me as I get better, she will get better. And she was right. Thank God.
But going through this with her, helping my grandma as much as possible, trying to start living again, functioning again, gave me inner anger that I would have to realease at some point. And All of it finally came out the week my grandma died.

Total Fear of returning home; "Our dream home" God how I loved it but...

Well it was time to move home. I was scared! I knew that my husband would be working all of the time. It was very hard moving out of a comfort zone. My house was about an hour from my parents. I loved my home and missed it sooo much. But I had barely lived through blood clots and it was a risk. To be honest I dont even know why I took it. It was my kids home, it was our dream home, that my husband built from ground up for us. But it was a good 40 minutes from the closest doctor or hospital. My gut was telling me how stupid it was but in my own way I knew how much everyone had gone through for years with me being sick and I wanted to just make their life normal again.
I cried like a baby when I went home. But it was so good to be there again. Now I started noticing right away that I couldn't breathe well. I was put on oxygen which sucked so bad. I was what? 35 on oxygen walking around. Alive, but on oxygen. I couldn't really leave my house unless I went to a lower elevation so as I got a little better I would drive to grandmas or moms. It was stupid. I would stay for a week at a time.
Oxygen was like 500 a month up at my house. I layed in bed allot. Just like before. Pretty much in the middle of nowhere. Which I used to love. But i was scared now. If I got blood clots again, I had pretty much no chance of surviving from that far away. Here comes the anxiety big time. Pure fear.
The smell of my own house. Looking out the window at the beautiful mountains, fields of green grass. Always deer, elk, all kinds of wildlife. I tried, but it was really taking a tole on me. See when you go to a higher altitude your blood gets thicker. Which is ok unless you just had multiple clots in both of your lungs. I kept thinking I was going to get better. My heart felt like it was beating out of my chest all of the time. I didn't understand. It was explained to me that I had so much scar tissue in each of my lungs that my heart had to work so much harder to get oxygen to it. So oxygen goes through a layer to put get into your blood, but mine had to go through several because of the scar tissue. They said that it could take up to ten years for my lungs to heal. Could I live like this for that long? Did I want to? What to do?
Sounds like a pretty easy answer right?

Ten years earlier; Driving to the property that we had always dreamed of having. Yellow sunflowers lined both sides of the dirt road to it. We sat on the hill to see where the sun would hit at each time of the day. Watched all of the wildlife. It was like heaven. We had our dream house planned. Material things yes. Still important, I had allot of good times there, happy times. But yet, in the end I had to make a choice that would effect my children, husband, our lives. How lucky we were. We had enough money to pay for the property which had a pond on it, ten acres, it was beautiful. Lots of people thought we were crazy to pay what we did for that property. But we had always wanted it. Well just like life, you hit alot of obstacles. You always run into things that you didn't expect, when it comes to expenses. Right as the roof was going up the hurricane hit. Lumber prices trippled and needless to say, the loans started building.
Never the less, we raised two kids there and our little one for about four years. It was a place where everyone was always welcome. My kids always had friends there and it was far enough out of the little town. Just right. We had great times. I enjoyed every moment I had with my children there.Well until they became teenageers. lol. no really. I was going to live there forever. I'm not a person who likes change and never ever thought that I would leave my home. I used to tell my husband "If you are planning on selling this one, your leaving without me. lol" And now I was the one who needed to move.

When I went home I was happy to be there but scared to death. All of the what ifs started. What if I pass out from lack of oxygen and my little one is here alone.?? on and on. And who was there for me?? I thought everyone would miss me. Would come see me. Come help me or just visit. Another great lesson in life. Don't think that you are too important to people. Very good lesson for me. Just because they are important to me doesn't mean I am to them. In their defense everyone has their own family, responsibilities, commentments, lives. I felt sorry for myself cause nobody was there for me. But it really wasn't their responsibility. Although, I will tell you. This lesson also taught me to always be there for people who need me. I do my best. And I would have never made it through it if it wasn't for my kids, dad and mom, grandma, a couple friends, and although I have held a huge, silent grudge cause my husband was always at work, he in his own way was there.

Our house was big. I couldn't keep up with it. Just not enough oxygen. We were at about 7000 ft. in elevation. I started slipping back into deep depression, fighting like hell everyday, not to ever go to that dark
place again. I used to set there and look. Just look. I loved that place. I had a memory for every single spot in that house. I loved the property. But as time went on, I don't know. I just didn't know what to do. I knew that if we were forced to move due to my health it was going to be a huge deal. We were broke from doctor and hospital bills. Which makes you feel oh so much worse when your laying there in bed. I truely felt like my husband felt that I had caused all of this harship and recented me for it. He says no. But how could he not? And I did, I was sick for so long. It makes it so much harder when your racking up medical bills and can't even help pay for them. Im sure that he recented me and then I recented him for recenting me. Confusing.
My parents and grandma lived at about 5000 ft elevation. Which is weird that it made such a huge difference but I pretty much ran down here every chance I got.
It may have saved my life. I didn't need oxygen.
And I will tell you something that is kind of embarrassing because I don't know how many people have these feelings. But, when I thought it was going to snow. I took off. It didn't hardly snow where grandma was. I mean it freaked me out. Anxiety got out of control. I felt clastophobic, stranded. Alone, desperate. And I was raised in the snow. I drove in snow my whole life. I jsut dont understand. Also, the cold weather really started getting to me. I absolutely began to hate it. I swear it was harder to breathe. At grandmas only fifty minutes away it was alway aboout 15 degrees warmer. My whole marriage I never went anywhere without my husband, and now i was running constantly.
When I would get to lower elevation it was like something heavy was being lifted off of my chest. I didn't need oxygen. I loved it here. But I missed my house. And I know its just material; its the memories that get me.
I had never really been in a city. this is by no means a big city but it has everything you need. I was used to driving an hour to even get groceries. It was kina nice. I liked hearing neighbors for the first time. Made me feel better, which is weird cause I used to get so mad when someone would build a house around ours in the country. lol.
I like talkig to people and my daughter playing with the neighborhood kids. Little things, that made my life so much easier and my anxiety so much better.
At this time as I was going back and forth i felt good about it cause I felt good at the lower altitude. My grandma was getting sick though, she had allot of things wrong with her. So this was my chance; I took care of her. I loved being with her. It was sad though, she started just functioning, trying to make it through the day. I would try to make her laugh, she would. But you could tell it was jst for me. She also had a back surgery, and I'm sure that she never was the same.
So was trying to help grandma, kept going back and forth, and got a call. My grandma was really sick but wouldn't go to the doctor. She hated when I would come because she know I would call the ambulance. lol. So went down to get grandma to the doctor, well God had a different plan for me.

Remembering ICU- pulmonary emboli

I don't remember a whole lot about the rest of that night. I do remember seeing myself in the bed. Watching myself. But I didn't die, so I don't know how I was watching myself. Its wasn't like I thought It would be if you were dying .I was looking, not worrying, not wondering, it was just peaceful.


When I woke up I remember thinking, "What am I even doing here?" enough is enough. Then my dad, mom, husband, and kids came in. That's what I'm here for. Although to be honest, I still kinda had a gloomy feeling about being there. But the day I woke up I thought allot. And although I know your not supposed to, I slipped into the, "Why is all of this happening to me?" What is it that I am supposed to do with my life? And I feel really bad because for moments when my family came in, i still didn't feel like I had anything to look forward to. I'm very blessed. I'm alive. I have a great family, well you know all families are a little nuts. lol. I went through horrible sadness, frustration, anger. I had life choices to make and really didn't want to at the time. What is it that Joel Osteen says?" Don't be a victim be a victor. I don't know why I have had all of this happen to me, but there is a reason and I just need to stick my heels in and push forward.

But let me tell you; There were hundreds of times in the past few years even before this , I struggled to even get out of bed. Eat. I could have slept for a year and wouldn't have cared. In fact I loved to sleep. I would go days without taking a shower. I found it very hard to even function.

Now by all means I wasn't brave inside but had to act like it for the kids and family, when they left I just remember asking for and kind of preacher, priest, someone who could help me cause my beliefs were going to crumble. They asked what religion I was and I told them. They said well our priest isn't in this late, we can call him. I told them to please get anyone up there. In my eyes they are all men of God. I just needed some reassurance. I don't know what I needed.
And I remember them standing and praying over me allot. I was having a hard time focusing. I was literally so scared. It was all touch and go I could be good one minutes and bad the other.

ICU was good. There were only certain hours for visitors and I think that I needed that. Everyone has advice and my mind was too tired. I should have done this, that. I shouldn't have done this, that. You know everyone is just trying to help. They really don't know what to say or do and don't' realize that sometimes its nice to just have someone sit there. Just sit. No talking.

I remember them bringing the phone into me and my mom was telling me that my little one was at the doctor and she was sick. I don't know what happened but something did on the monitors cause the nurse came in and took the phone and I was asked not
to talk on it for the rest of the day. It made my heart rate go too high. I acted like it bothered me but it really didn't. Any bad news, good news, it was all stress to me. Its a weird feeling when you feel like your mind can't handle anything else.

The routine was stressful. Heparin to keep my blood thin, everything you eat either clots or thins your blood it seems like. You can't get well without eating. I guess. Blood work constantly, all night, every night. They kept me in ICU for about two weeks. And I was happy about that cause I didn't know what I was doing. The nurses were great. But something happened there that still bothers me....

A doctor came in who wasn't my doctor just the one who had that shift. He gave me a pill and an aspirin. Now I do have to tell you that from all of these experiences I watch things closely, doesn't matter how close to death I am. I ask allot of questions, and I'm sure drive them crazy. Anyway, next thing I know my doctor comes in in his camouflage, Definitely not working that day but was checking on me. I immediately told him what they gave me, an estrogen pill and an aspirin, and that i told them that i wasn't suppose to have estrogen. They had already gave me that lecture and told me that I would just have to go through the menopause without anything.

Next thing I know, my doctor goes out and I could see everything through my window. He starts throwing crap everywhere. The other doctor is yelling, my doctor walks out. oops I started something.



So a couple hours later someone who i swore to God I would never say came in and knelt by my bed. She said if you ever say that I said this I will deny it. I told her that I wouldn't. She said very simply, "You know, you do have the right to ask for the doctors manual or handbook for the medications." and walked out. I didn't know what was going on and asked the nurse if I could use the phone. I called my doctor that I have went to for years and told her what had happened and what I should do. She told me never to take estrogen, that's probably what gave me the clots in the first place.

I waited for the next shift and politely asked for the doctor medicine handbook. It may not be called that. Any way I go to what they gave me and it says more or less never to give to someone with blood clots and something about a ridiculous chance it would give me more. why would that doctor do that. ? Are the doctors fighting about who's the smartest.? I didn't know. but when that doctor came in the next morning I told him never to give me it again. He said well I gave you aspirin to thin your blood also. I told him again. never.

Later a nurse showed me my papers which I requested to see and there was obviously a big fight going on one page had a big sticker NO ESTROGEN; It even went clear to the board I guess and there was a paper in there from the pharmacy that said NO ESTROGEN.

HOW FAST THEY CAN SAVE YOUR LIFE AND HOW FAST THEY could KILL YOU with a little pill!!!!

I had a small chip on my shoulder after a week or so and told everyone when I say I'm sick I'm sick. Several people have told me "Your always sick". Yea and I really enjoy it. I know that there are a few people who say they are sick all of the time. But the reality is, most people would not lay in a bed for months, and want to go to emergency rooms, and swear that there was something wrong with them if there isn't.

My dad. Oh how lucky a person could be. I never woke up in ICU when my dad wasn't sitting by my bed. My mom had my kids, and that was a huge job. My daughter saw me almost die, they were all going through there own separate little hell. I never thought that my husband cared much, but he is just the type of person that doesn't show emotion real well.
My mom took care of us for several more months. Probably 6. I was on cumadin for six months and my dad would take me to town and have my blood drawn three times a week.

When you have blood clots everything is affected. Everything that I liked to eat, I couldn't. The kinda rule of thumb was if its green it will make your blood clot. I still remember my doctor telling me that i could have a teaspoon of iceberg salad with dinner???? crazy. So many things clot your blood. You learn though.

Final real advice that I received was never to move back up to my house where the altitude was so high. Well that left allot of options. I was about to kill my mom. She is sick anyway. I had our dream home up there, kids, a husband, his job. Our life. What the hell was I going to do. My husband was so mad he didn't understand it at all. But it all made since once I moved home.

"You have ten minutes" I'm dying

I got up and went to bed. Feeling bad cause it was my anniversary, and I didn't care. Wasn't going to wake up. Got up and put my moms oxygen on thinking I was going to save my own life and was really tired. Weird feeling, slipping into sleep, telling everyone, somethings wrong! I'm not going to wake up take me to the hospital. Now in their defense, I had just gotten out of the hospital and wanted to go back. They said that they didn't want me to catch something at the hospital, my system was weak. It was flu season.It was going to be ok. I was not stopping. "Take me to the hospital or I'm calling the ambulance." I started falling asleep while dad was getting dressed to take me. I wasn't going to wake up.... My little one ran up on me and bumped me which jarred me and I woke up. Out of the blue she said "Take mommy to the hospital."
My oldest daughter insisted on going which was a huge mistake, but I was too sick to argue. So we got to the emergency room and I told them what was going on. That I felt like I wasn't breathing good, something is wrong. I feel like I'm not going to wake up everytime I start to go to sleep. My chest feels like I can't get a good breathe. On and on.
So the nurses put the regular things on me to check vitals and so on. They were all good, everything was fine.
I wasn't giving up. I had to turn into my little bitch mode. I told the nurse well give me something to go to sleep and watch what they do!!!!! I could see my dad and daughters face getting red. They knew I was getting pissed. The nurse leaves.
Doctor comes in and tells me that hes sure I'm having an anxiety attack and everything is fine they are going to give me something to settle down and it may make me sleepy. I was pissed but in my own way was getting what I wanted. I needed to make sure that when I went to sleep, I was still breathing. Started getting groggy. But it was a different feeling.
Went and got several tests. I was thinking about all the money this was going to cost.
Here came the doctor again and said that he found the problem. I had gall stones and one of them was completely blocking my gallbladder. I don't remember reacting. Looked at my dad, daughter, sister-in-law. They had tired, relieved faces. It was in the middle of the night. Maybe that's why they were tired, or maybe they were tired of me being in the hospital, not sure. Probably both. But I was right, something was wrong. But what about my breathing? They were sticking to the anxiety attack. So I got pissy again. "I have had anxiety attacks for 15 years! I know what they feel like! This isn't it! Just relax. So now another surgery for gallbladder, great.
I was tired of waiting, had my sister-in-law go see what was going on. She leaves.
The noises of the machines..... Oxygen level was dropping, looking straight into daughters eyes she looked scared.
I told them.
Doctor comes in followed by sister-in-law and several nurses, what are they all running for. Nurses moving quickly around room. Family looking startled. Doctor says, "This is how people die" you have lots of blood clots in both of your lungs, "We are giving the medicine ten minutes, if its not better you will have to be flown out on flight for life and we will have to put you on life support!" Rolling fast down hospital hall, groggy, nurses telling me drink, drink, hurry. I remember trying to drink while laying down? I'm not sure. They were trying to get heparin, I think its called down me to thin my blood. Out.... Back... "Am I going to die?" nurse says, "No" I remember asking that several times, wanting reassurance. Or was I just thinking it?
Big hospital doors, opening, rolling, opening, fast... fast... fast... Where was I going? Where is my family? Oh God I'm dying. I'm in ICU

Putting Anxiety to Rest for now

I just want to say a few more things about anxiety, then I will stop on this subject. But please, If anyone reads this and is wondering if I have felt what your feeling, or any questions about my experiences please just ask.

I guess what I have probably learned the most from anxiety attacks and when I get them in my life is that they are a signal for you to take a breathe and slow down. Literally. But really maybe it is just your bodies way of telling you slow down, take a breathe, I'm tired.

I think that an anxiety attack can happen without warning and usually do with me. If it is happening when you are sleeping its really scary. My doctor called it "Busy sleeping" which I guess means even though you are trying to sleep you are still thinking. I used to add my checkbook up in my sleep, make a list of crap I had to do the next day, even make my bed while I was asleep. Well I thought I was. It was a bunch of little stuff, but I was amazed at how accurate i was with my checking account. lol

I still have problems with change; I hate change and really need to work on that. It freaks my system out. I hate appointments or something that I have to do and usually still cancel although not near as much.

I've learned that sleep is so very important. And yea I've went through those times where I didn't sleep for days. It sucks. I do take something to sleep, I have to, if I don't get sleep my depression and anxiety go crazy.

You cant die from this awful crap. Although you feel like you are. Even if you pass out. I asked my doctor what happens when you pass out, do you die. She said that no actually your brain resets and its actually better when you come too. Although I would never pass out if I had the choice and its hard for that to make you feel better when you are driving your kids around.

SO you have to breathe and what happens is something to do with when you hyperventilate you are exhaling too much carbon dioxide compared to the amount of oxygen that you have in your blood stream . That's why they put a bag over your mouth. Although some think this might be more dangerous now. I still cant do that but i will cup my hands over my mouth and nose then take in ten deep breaths. While I'm doing that I try to slow down my breathing.


Ask your family if they had or have it. They will probably say no cause you cant talk about it I guess, like it makes you a weak person, but I bet one of them do. Also, with depression. My mom told me one day "I think you need an anti-depressant" I said well how would a person know. She said well I'm on them. I proceeded to tell her that It would have been very helpful to know that years ago. lol. I never knew it. Like I said I guess they think its a weakness.

I still want to just take off and flee when I have one; Its like you just want to jump out of your body or start running away. Its normal. Although it sucks. I pace allot too. And my family can tell when I'm getting anxious because I will talk allot. Fast, and mix up my words. They don't know that I'm doing that just to mess with them. lol. Not really

Something that was really painful to me although I am getting a handle on it was the burning in my chest. It felt like something was just burning right through me from the inside. I was told by my doctor that it is the acid in your stomach, It comes up your chest and that's why it burns. I think I used to carry mylanta. I think that's what I used to carry in my purse. might want to check on that before using for the burning in your chest. lol.

I had a huge fear of dying, it controlled my life. I fear others dying also. After getting blood clots and really almost dying that fear has somewhat went away. And for those of you who believe in God, I have to say, when you feel completely overwhelmed, just tell him to take all of your worries, it is in his control. And like my uncle and God father told me, "When you say it you have to actually let him" I still catch myself saying it then the next day start my crap again and try to be in control of everything.

If you let people know what you are going through I promise you will find someone who is too and is just probably embarrassed to say it. which i have no idea why. I don't care I just tell them now. But I had to get to that point. It used to be so important for me for people to understand what I was going through. But you really cant think like that or your just setting yourself up for a let down. How could they if they haven't had one? And do they really even care? I don't know. It took along time for me to get to the point where if someone doesn't understand. Oh well. If they dont care, then they aren't worth having around. You dont need someone to even understand if you can just find someone who will let you talk and listen. I swear to God that took them right away with me if someone would just listen. If you cant find someone then I will listen.... Just have to tell me.

The "What ifs" Oh my God did I do this. Everything was well what if, what if, what if. Well after doing this with my doctor for over an hour she turned it on me. She would say well what if. What is the worst, very worst thing that can happen. Start asking yourself that. Its good. Well what if my house isnt clean. Umm nobody comes here anyway. Well what if I die. Umm you die. That one is still hard for me. Well what if she doesn't understand and they think I'm crazy. Well then screw them. Maybe they are the crazy ones. lol.

And last; Your going to get better. You are. You just have to sort your life and figure out what makes them worse, better, how to breathe, the right medications (If you believe in medication),
find good people who make you feel good. Seriously, it takes time but it does get better. Try not to over think everything, which i still do from time to time. When your up in the middle of the night don't sit there and think about stuff. Do a crossword, watch a movie, something that will take you mind off everything that you don't control anyway. And I'm sorry if this offends anyone but once in a while you have to just say F it. Maybe for a whole day. whatever it takes. Thank you for letting me go on and on. I hope that I have helped even one person. And I will make posts on anything else that I forgot to mention, things that may help you, or when I have another damn anxiety attack. Talk to you tomorrow. lololol. Just kidding

How did I get like this???

It about four in the morning. Can't sleep. Starting to write about all of this stuff has really brought back memories. I don't know if that is so good. I was just wondering when and how I started changing. I don't remember ever not being in pain. Well there was one day that I didn't have any and I called my parents. I told them this is what people feel like when they don't have pain all of the time. I was informed that everyone has pain somewhere. But I have actually met people who don't have pain. I had scoliosis at like eleven, it just got worse every year. Yes, I'm one of those girls who got married at 16. Not recommend but I'm still married, so we have done something right. I had my first baby at seventeen. I wasn't depressed then, I can remember being happy and full of life. Had my second kid at 20. Wasn't depressed then. So I guess it started after my back surgery. I was about 21. That surgery is a whole other story. OMG, I don't know if I could do that again. Although its bound to happen. OK not thinking about that right now. I think it was the year that I spent in bed, completely dependent on someone for everything. Had my first anxiety attack at25 will never forget that. Its kinda funny now, although I would rather have another surgery than have them all of the time. I have to tell you that story in my next post. I was so full of life what the H happened to me? Went nuts at 30 when I had my third unexpected baby, which come to find out was a huge blessing my life. But the postpartum depression sucked. I am functioning now and healthier than I've been in ten years but its been a struggle. I think stress will kill you. lol. not really funny. Recently, well 3 years ago, had to move to lower elevation after building our dream home. This was all due to me getting blood clots and I cant breathe at higher elevation. That made my husband happy. not. So starting over. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger? I'm sure that is true but I need some strength fast. The crazy thing is I'm pretty sure that people just try to stress me out. They are like oh she feels good today lets mess with her. Everyone is tired of me always having a surgery, depression, anxiety; I wonder if they think I enjoy it? Oh and I'm a grandma now. I love that baby. I swear to God if everyone could just act like kids do. They enjoy everything. The little things. The lesson I've learned after I was given 10 minutes before I was put on life support for blood clots. Making it through it and still kicking;

ENJOY THE LITTLE THINGS. I KNOW THAT'S A SAYING THAT IS ALWAYS USED BUT REALLY IT WILL MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER. LOOK AT LIFE LIKE A TWO YEAR OLD DOES, WITHOUT THE TEMPER TANTRUMS.