Remembering ICU- pulmonary emboli

I don't remember a whole lot about the rest of that night. I do remember seeing myself in the bed. Watching myself. But I didn't die, so I don't know how I was watching myself. Its wasn't like I thought It would be if you were dying .I was looking, not worrying, not wondering, it was just peaceful.


When I woke up I remember thinking, "What am I even doing here?" enough is enough. Then my dad, mom, husband, and kids came in. That's what I'm here for. Although to be honest, I still kinda had a gloomy feeling about being there. But the day I woke up I thought allot. And although I know your not supposed to, I slipped into the, "Why is all of this happening to me?" What is it that I am supposed to do with my life? And I feel really bad because for moments when my family came in, i still didn't feel like I had anything to look forward to. I'm very blessed. I'm alive. I have a great family, well you know all families are a little nuts. lol. I went through horrible sadness, frustration, anger. I had life choices to make and really didn't want to at the time. What is it that Joel Osteen says?" Don't be a victim be a victor. I don't know why I have had all of this happen to me, but there is a reason and I just need to stick my heels in and push forward.

But let me tell you; There were hundreds of times in the past few years even before this , I struggled to even get out of bed. Eat. I could have slept for a year and wouldn't have cared. In fact I loved to sleep. I would go days without taking a shower. I found it very hard to even function.

Now by all means I wasn't brave inside but had to act like it for the kids and family, when they left I just remember asking for and kind of preacher, priest, someone who could help me cause my beliefs were going to crumble. They asked what religion I was and I told them. They said well our priest isn't in this late, we can call him. I told them to please get anyone up there. In my eyes they are all men of God. I just needed some reassurance. I don't know what I needed.
And I remember them standing and praying over me allot. I was having a hard time focusing. I was literally so scared. It was all touch and go I could be good one minutes and bad the other.

ICU was good. There were only certain hours for visitors and I think that I needed that. Everyone has advice and my mind was too tired. I should have done this, that. I shouldn't have done this, that. You know everyone is just trying to help. They really don't know what to say or do and don't' realize that sometimes its nice to just have someone sit there. Just sit. No talking.

I remember them bringing the phone into me and my mom was telling me that my little one was at the doctor and she was sick. I don't know what happened but something did on the monitors cause the nurse came in and took the phone and I was asked not
to talk on it for the rest of the day. It made my heart rate go too high. I acted like it bothered me but it really didn't. Any bad news, good news, it was all stress to me. Its a weird feeling when you feel like your mind can't handle anything else.

The routine was stressful. Heparin to keep my blood thin, everything you eat either clots or thins your blood it seems like. You can't get well without eating. I guess. Blood work constantly, all night, every night. They kept me in ICU for about two weeks. And I was happy about that cause I didn't know what I was doing. The nurses were great. But something happened there that still bothers me....

A doctor came in who wasn't my doctor just the one who had that shift. He gave me a pill and an aspirin. Now I do have to tell you that from all of these experiences I watch things closely, doesn't matter how close to death I am. I ask allot of questions, and I'm sure drive them crazy. Anyway, next thing I know my doctor comes in in his camouflage, Definitely not working that day but was checking on me. I immediately told him what they gave me, an estrogen pill and an aspirin, and that i told them that i wasn't suppose to have estrogen. They had already gave me that lecture and told me that I would just have to go through the menopause without anything.

Next thing I know, my doctor goes out and I could see everything through my window. He starts throwing crap everywhere. The other doctor is yelling, my doctor walks out. oops I started something.



So a couple hours later someone who i swore to God I would never say came in and knelt by my bed. She said if you ever say that I said this I will deny it. I told her that I wouldn't. She said very simply, "You know, you do have the right to ask for the doctors manual or handbook for the medications." and walked out. I didn't know what was going on and asked the nurse if I could use the phone. I called my doctor that I have went to for years and told her what had happened and what I should do. She told me never to take estrogen, that's probably what gave me the clots in the first place.

I waited for the next shift and politely asked for the doctor medicine handbook. It may not be called that. Any way I go to what they gave me and it says more or less never to give to someone with blood clots and something about a ridiculous chance it would give me more. why would that doctor do that. ? Are the doctors fighting about who's the smartest.? I didn't know. but when that doctor came in the next morning I told him never to give me it again. He said well I gave you aspirin to thin your blood also. I told him again. never.

Later a nurse showed me my papers which I requested to see and there was obviously a big fight going on one page had a big sticker NO ESTROGEN; It even went clear to the board I guess and there was a paper in there from the pharmacy that said NO ESTROGEN.

HOW FAST THEY CAN SAVE YOUR LIFE AND HOW FAST THEY could KILL YOU with a little pill!!!!

I had a small chip on my shoulder after a week or so and told everyone when I say I'm sick I'm sick. Several people have told me "Your always sick". Yea and I really enjoy it. I know that there are a few people who say they are sick all of the time. But the reality is, most people would not lay in a bed for months, and want to go to emergency rooms, and swear that there was something wrong with them if there isn't.

My dad. Oh how lucky a person could be. I never woke up in ICU when my dad wasn't sitting by my bed. My mom had my kids, and that was a huge job. My daughter saw me almost die, they were all going through there own separate little hell. I never thought that my husband cared much, but he is just the type of person that doesn't show emotion real well.
My mom took care of us for several more months. Probably 6. I was on cumadin for six months and my dad would take me to town and have my blood drawn three times a week.

When you have blood clots everything is affected. Everything that I liked to eat, I couldn't. The kinda rule of thumb was if its green it will make your blood clot. I still remember my doctor telling me that i could have a teaspoon of iceberg salad with dinner???? crazy. So many things clot your blood. You learn though.

Final real advice that I received was never to move back up to my house where the altitude was so high. Well that left allot of options. I was about to kill my mom. She is sick anyway. I had our dream home up there, kids, a husband, his job. Our life. What the hell was I going to do. My husband was so mad he didn't understand it at all. But it all made since once I moved home.