still; quiet; just taking in every moment

I haven't been feeling too good and was resting this afternoon.  My son came home from the base and stopped by. I had my oxygen on... sucks... laying in bed and heard him coming in. I am having a hard time talking to him without crying so I kinda said hi and pretended that I had went back to sleep. He layed down by me with his camo on and big damn boots that I would normally have a fit about. They have been working long hours and you can tell that he is just exhausted. He was asleep within a minute or two and I was listening to him breathe. It was calm and then fast, then faster, he was jumping like he was dreaming. I tried to just ignore it and let him get a few minutes sleep.

I was cherishing this moment although hes alot bigger than I am now, hes still my little boy in a way. His face is like a childs when he is sleeping. The freckles, blonde hair, little ears, blonde eye brows and eyelashes. When you are just looking at his face its as if your laying next to your five year old again.

I think he knew I wasn't sleeping though when he woke up. He put his arm around me, gave me a kiss on the cheek, and said "I love you mom"

He stands up and hes tall now. Camo, boots, just keeps going. Hes a kind and good kid with a generous heart. And can go from that to pissed off real fast. Hes very protective of his family and his country. I'm almost glad that he can get an anger issue fast for the first time in my life. It may keep him alive.

He will be leaving for death valley in a couple of weeks. Back for five days for Christmas and Thanksgiving, then we won't see him for like a year an a half. He is leaving us at the age of 20, will be landing in Iraq, or wherever they tell him on his 21st birthday, and will spend I think fifteen months there. So with Gods help I will see him when he is 22 again.

He will not be at this base near us when he leaves which is sad but I think may help us all. I am really sure that if I had to tell him bye right before he went over I would just have a nervous breakdown.

We are best friends in so many ways, but so much alike that we can get on eachothers nerves after a few hours. I would die for him but yet he is the one that is willing to die for me and my freedom.

I am going to truely have to put this in Gods hands before I seriously have a nervous breakdown. And I will but I have to write about it at  night or I just think, think, think. I know that I need to stay positive like he is. I havent said anything negative to him for a long time and I'm so proud of what a man hes become. I'm just going to miss him so much. He is the jokester in our family, he could make anyone laugh. Im going to miss that. He is the exact person or son that I wanted to raise.

You know how when your kids are little and you say I hope they turn out to be this, this, this, and this. Well he is everything I hoped he would be and more.

Friend shot; Son being deployed; Need help and advice

Guess I will try to write two blogs tonight. I had made up my mind that I was going to be positive for a change. But shit happens and I'm not so positive tonight. We got word that one of our friends' son got shot, he is in the marines and my heart just hit the floor. Hes a really nice kid. Shot right in the chest. He did live through it but the anxiety is getting out of control knowing that my son is heading over in a few months. You know I don't know how parents deal with this. And I know its the soldiers that are putting their lives in danger for us, but the heart ache, anxiety, fear, numbness, for the parents is almost too much. I have made it through this year without him being shipped. We just found out that he will actually land there on his 21st birthday. Some birthday huh. I'm scared for him and I'm becoming a wimp. I'm very proud of all of our soldiers but am litteraly sick to my stomach.  If you know of people, parents, who are going through this please have them write me on my blog it would be much appreciated and I need to talk to someone about this who knows what its like.  I'm not sure that anyone can be prepared for what might happen, I'm trying to stay strong for my son and other kids. But I'm starting to break. The "What ifs" start. My son and I had a conversation, well a forced one, by me. He said that its just the way it is. Hes ready. He loves his job. On and on. To tell you the truth I'm not sure I was even listening to him. I was watching him and flashbacks of when he was little just role through my mind, and now he is going to war. He is very confident in how they have prepared him for combat, and to be honest when I hear him talk it really does seem like they really prepare these guys. As he was talking and my mind was rolling I was just staring at him, he is still so young. Does or is he going to be prepared to shoot someone.? He says yes. He just kept looking younger to me, maybe immature, but yet when hes in uniform or at the base, hes a different person. Very confident, strong, and proud.  I am the kind of person that feels alot better if I know about things, so I need some help from you. How will I be able to talk to him when hes over there? Do you send letters? How often do you hear from them? Anythng that you can tell me. He has to go back to death valley, again, in california for another month before being shipped out, he will get thankgiving and Christmas with us and then be gone until he deploys. I suck at goodbys and may have a nervous breakdown so it might be better for him to leave from another location. I have to keep this to myself so he isn't worrying about me worrying while hes there. I need to be strong for him, but am so sad, scared, anxious, and litteraly feel like I'm going to have a nervous breakdown. He is my only son, has a huge heart and would do anything to help someone. Hes my hero, and I would die if I lost him.

Quick Tips For Anxiety Attacks;

This is what has worked for me; I'm sure im forgetting things so please ask questions if I have.

I'm not an expert but I have learned a few things that have actually stopped the full fledged anxiety attacks. I still get anxiety, which is bad enough and wonder if I will ever be off medication.

ANXIETY ATTACKS:

1. First of all, if you are put on medication by a doctor DONT go off of it out of the guilt of being on medication. Its still there believe me.

2. You are not imaginning how bad these things are. I've been through allot and they rank way up at the top of the list. Its awful, but with time, it will get better.

3. I always ask doctors if they have had anxiety attacks before or when I'm in their office. Sounds bad I know but allot of them just look at you with a blank stare. You will know the ones who have by the way they look at you when your describing them. If not ask.  Your supposed to be counceled too. I did a couple of times, but found myself more anxious when they started asking all of these personal questions that had nothing to do with it. It may with some people though, I don't know.

4. I did have a lady teach me how to relax my body. Its hard and takes allot of practice but really works. When you lay down, make it a quiet place, you start at your toes. Shut your eyes but in your mind only focus on your toes or your feet. You make them relaxed, almost like they are so heavy that they are going to fall right through the bed. Then your mind will probably start wondering again. So start over. Move up your body, but if your at your arms and your feet are all tightened up again, start over. It will take a while to get it down, but you will not believe how many of your muscles are actually tightened when you think you are relaxed. Its crazy.

5. Everyone is going to have an opinion: This is a rough part cause if they haven't had them then they have no idea what they are talking about and it will make you angry. I personally think that I did myself a favor by telling people what the doctor said that I have because it came from a doctor first of all, and people will be more at ease telling you that they have the same thing or have had. Thats where you will get your little circle hopefully of people that understand. I don't know if there are support groups for this cause I lived out in the boonies so that may be a good idea if there are. And a little attitude will not hurt you. Surround yourself by people who are nice to you and atleast pretend to understand cause your mind cant handle any bullshit gossip.

6. Most people don't like to ask others for help. I mean help doing everyday things that you are not functioning well enough to do. Its important that you get good at that. You dont need to overdue it but if you just cant do something that day you would be surprised to know how many people actually feel good and needed if you ask them to help you.

7. DO NOT try to explain yourself or your decisions all of the time. It made me worse and I'm pretty good at saying NO now. Take a few months and take care of yourself, because your probably the ones that take care of everyone else.  When they call and say "Lets go to lunch" and your in the middle of an anxiety attack, then you feel guilty for saying no, but if you go its really going to be bad, on and on. Just say "I would love to some other time but cant today" now some of them will say "Why" well actually thats when you will start going over everything...... Its really not their business.. Your trying to make it through the day. If they do ask why I would just say not today. That is it no more explaining. If they love you or are friends they will understand. If not well now you know who your friends are.

8. You have to learn to breathe. I know that sounds stupid cause it did to me. Obviously I was breathing or I would be dead. ? But we have a tendency to over breathe or hold our breath without even noticing it. Then its too late. And if you do catch yourself already going into anxiety attack, the first thing that you have to tell your brain is

 I CAN NOT DIE FROM THESE. And you cant. Your vitals are probably perfect. I myself cuff my hands over my mouth and take five breaths to get the carbon dioxide going, slow your breathing down, which is hard to do if you are hyperventilating, but you can do it.

9. I asked my doctor what the worst thing that could happen would be. She said that I would pass out. Oh great I said. Then she told me that if you do pass out when you wake up your brain is actually in better shape. It has repaired the levels of oxygen, carbon dioxide and you'll be fine till your next one.

10. ok and something I am not proud of but im going to tell you. Sometimes I just cant handle everything. Husband, 23 year old, 21 year old, 9 year old, house work, bills, on and on. I actually do get sick. But its not like a cold sick, I can't explain it. To get myself better, I tell everyone except nine year old. "I cant talk about this now" I truly ask God to just take all of my worries, I will fake being sick just to get to go into a quiet room and take a nap without any noice. I actually will lie or fib whatever to get away from everyone and sleep. I don't do that very often anymore but oh boy I used to. And you know what? So what. I felt better when I got up and was ready to take some of it on.

The last time I saw her;

I hurried back to the hospital, they were getting ready to move her to another room. When I walked in she said "Get me out of this bed and lets go home." I said, "Well grandma, I was going to go to the cafeteria and get some fruit for us to eat" I swear to God I was in shock. She said "Oh, you act so busy when you come here! We can get fruit at any corner store on the way home!" I knew I was going to have a hard time. I called my mom and told her that I had never seen Grandma like this. She was a completely different person. I was probably the right person to be there though because I know how pain effects you and I could certainly turn on people when I was going through things.
She wanted to go home and to be honest I was wishing that we would have never taken her to the hospital. It sounds bad, but it wasn't doing any good, she was getting worse. I couldn't have lived with myself if we wouldn't have taken her to the hospital though. So there she was.
She would always make us do her hair, nails, feet, just make sure that "If something happened to her she would be clean." She would say that she needed clean clothes just incase. I would always tease her and tell her that the first thing she was going to do is shit her pants so it wouldn't matter. A good way to make her smile.
Grey shiny hair, she was so full of fluid, and moaning. Horrible pain, uncomfortable, just plain miserable. I would go out of the room or into her bathroom wanting to throwup. She didn't even care how she looked.
She woke up and told me that the color of the walls was awful. So unlike Grandma. She didn't like the picture hanging on the wall. And now I had to put a mask and little cover over my body everytime I was around her or went out of the room.?????
They had warned all of us that she was contagious which in hindsight probabaly made her feel worse. We had so many babies in the family and everyone was being consious. She probably felt like she wasn't important cause everyone wasn't coming to see her.
So that night she told me that she wanted to go home and to help her out of the bed. I lied to her and told her that my husband was coming down to get the locks off of the bed because there were locks on the rails so that she wouldn't fall out. She got mad at me. Grandma had never talked to me like that. I was in shock. She said, "Well then I will just get out by myself. Out of all of the people, you won't even help me!" I told her that he was on his way but I knew that she was too weak to get out of bed. She had been laying there for too long. But she was hell bent on trying. It was sad. She grabbed the railings and started pulling herself to one side. She kept telling me to help her. I thought I would use the excuse of my back and I told her I couldn't with my back. She just hated me right then. I feel bad for something that I said to her. I said " You will just have to do it yourself cause I don't want you to fall and get hurt." I should have just taken ahold of her and acted like I was trying to help her get up! She might have went for that, but she was so mad at me. Once I saw that she had one leg through the railing and was going to get stuck i started pushing the nurse button. I can remember just standing there... It was like slow motion. I had never seen her like this.
The nurses weren't coming so I don't know what made me move except she was going to get up and she was pulling on the IV. I had all of the shit on that I was trying to get off. The gloves, mask, etc. I tried but didn't have time. I took off down the hall and told anyone who would listen that they better get in there or she was going to be on the floor.
When they got to the room I liked how they handled her. They asked her if she needed to go to the bathroom and she lied and said yes. lol. They did try to let her get up and it was the last time I saw grandma fight or try to do something. She tried so hard, layed back down, and said I just can't. She had given up. I kept telling the nurse to please check her heart rate etc. that I could see her chest rising and then It would stop. When she would breathe, you could see her chest rise then like bounce. The nurse told me that she could tell what it was by watching it.?? And that they were monitoring her from another room so they would know if she was going in cardiac arrest. Made me feel better. I guess. Also, pissed me off that she didn't check when I asked her to.
I left the next morning. She was still mad at me for not taking her home. The last night together and we didn't even talk. She was so sick. I tried to talk to her. Her favorite tv show was on. She just turned away.
The next morning I told her that I was going to go check on the neighbors house and cat. She probably thought I was lying. I knew that she was not there when she asked me if I had any ko's she called them. Tampons for short.?? What?? I told her no. She said well will you go get me some and then go look at the art, it beautiful. I told her I would. And do you know, I don't even remember kissing her goodbye, or telling her how much I really loved her. That makes me sick. Was I afraid of catching something? Did I do it? I cant remember.
I got home and couldn't find the neighbors damn cat. Finally found it. Then their pond had stopped working so I called a guy about it. Went and got my little one. Came into my house, sat on my bed, and called the hospital. This was the absolute worst minute of my life....
Asked to speak to Grandmas nurse to see how she was. A nurse got on the phone and I told her who I was. She said, "Um yes we have been trying to get ahold of her son, she has been in cardiac arrest for two minutes and they are working on her" my heart was beating through my chest, my body was going numb, pictures of grandma laying there getting cpr were going through my head. I told the nurse that she had a dnr and she said that she didn't have that down. I just hung up.
Called my friend to come get my daughter, pretty much threw her in my neighbors house, called mom and my uncle while driving to grandmas house. My aunt was there, flew into the house and I was screaming but don't know what I was saying, ran to grandmas neighbors and they came to watch my aunts kids. It didn't take me long to get there, but too long.
I pulled up to the hopital, took off running and went to the wrong door. I had just had the clots not long before then so I guess I wasn't looking good. Ran to the other door and saw my mom and dad. They were just standing there! Why wasn't anyone in there with grandma? They told me that she was on life support and they were waiting for the doctors to get done so that we could see her. I fell to my knees, started crying like I have never cried before. It came from my gutt and I couldn't stop. My mom put her oxygen on me.
When we went in she wasn't in her room. She was in the emergency room?? OH MY GOD .... She was laying there with this hose in her mouth, which would have scared her to death. She hated anything over her face. The pounding of my heart kept getting louder, I could hear it in my ears. I was looking around at people and wondering why everything was going so slow, somber.
Her body was going into seizures every minute or so.. Absolutely the worst thing ive ever seen. If she would have just been laying there. But her body would jump and shake. It looked painful, but I wasn't sure that she was even with us. I still don't know. Could she hear us? Feel us? What was she thinking? Was she in pain? I still wonder these things.
I asked my mom why she was on life support. Can she come back to us? But, it was for a whole other reason. Grandma had put a part in her living will I guess you call it that she would be on life support for three days.
I was confused: How could you just let someone lay there in seizures for three days. Then your also thinking shes there, your able to touch her, very selfish thoughts but I was thinking them. I couldn't stand it, everone said their goodbyes. I sat and held her hand. Studied her face somemore, then whispered in her ear as I was rubbing my hand through her soft gray hair. I told her " Who am I going to talk to now?" Then I found myself trying real hard not to be selfish. "Go ahead grandma, go to your baby, I will see you soon." "I know your tired, I love you, and your my best friend." "Go ahead grandma, everyone will take care of eachother" "Just let go, this is too much for you" "I love you, and I will miss you so much. Thank God I had you in my life" "Goodbye Grandma."
And I was shattered, my heart was empty.
The crying was uncontrollable.
The kids all had to sign some paper saying that if she had another heart attack that the doctors could just let her go. I couldn't go back. And I have a horrible guilt for that. Very selfish.
I truely believe that she waited for everyone to come say bye. The phone rang two days later, she was gone. Relief? Yes. The waiting... wondering... watching her seizing in my dreams. It was over.

My grandma used to call my daughter, sugar baby. And my daughter called my grandma "Grandma honey". When I told my daughter she said that she knew I was just joking and lets go see grandma honey. It took two days for her to believe me. Heart breaking. The start of seperation anxiety... what a nightmare.
Ok so thats all I'm going to right about my grandma and her death. I thought I would feel better after writing it. Maybe I do, as the tears are running down my face. I'm going to do my best to remember all of the good times and to remember that she is happy, not sick, and that I will see her soon.
I took my daughter to the beach a few weeks later. It had been planned for a long time and grandma didn't want us to go. But in the last few months she told me that she wanted me to go and that she never wanted her sugar baby to be sad. So we went, sat on the beach, and then went and looked at some art, and it was beautiful!

"Your going to die a young woman" Again? Really?

Driving, feeling sharp pain under ribs. Its probably gas. lol. Maybe anxiety? Heading to grandmas. Trying to figure out how I'm going to get her to go to the hospital. I always felt allot better once I got into grandmas town. Elevation change ya know. So I get there and talk to her and pretty much tell her that I'm going to call the ambaulance. She hated when I did that. After papa died I don't ever really think she had the drive to live. She would alway say "When I go" or "I'm ready to go" I hated that. She was my wisdom, friend, grandma, angel from heaven. She held us together. We all had her in common. We all loved her.

She was giving me that look.... I walked outside and felt weird. I sat down on the cement. I remember it was warm. Got the strength to go back in and sat on her floor. I was looking at her, and thinking at the same time i need to get to the hospital. I finally just said "Um guys I need to go to the emergency room." I don't know if they thought I was just shitting them or what. I don't know who I left my little one with, although I knew she was being taken care of . I got in my car and drove to the hospital.


Well if you remember from the blood clots story, at first they had told me it was my gallbladder. Yep thats what it was. The only good thing about blood clots is if you tell them you have a history of it. Trust me you don't sit in the waiting room. lol. 


The surgery should have been a piece of cake. But no not with me. Since I had the blood clots and im not sure if I was still on cumadin to thin my blood. But it had to be thin and then after words they had to put something in it so that I wouldn't get clots again. It was one of the best hospital visits I ever had.


Guess who was in the room next to me? Grandma. I had my surgery, let them get my blood right and then went next door. I feel bad, I dont know what was wrong with her that time. But I went next door and said "Hi Grandma, guess who is in the room right next to you?" she smiled. She said "Hunny, shouldn't you be in bed getting ready for surgery?" I said "No, I'm done now lets get out of here. Hurry and get your clothes. I was acting like I was just going to take her out of there" Its silly but I felt good having her close to me. We both were in there several days. And the best part is that everyone always brought grandma stuff to hospital, she loved presents. And she would say "Well, thats sad, dont you think you should get tammy something." So I got gifts too!!!lol.


This was the only time I've been in the hospital where I was speechless. Mad. Confused???
The doctor that was doing my surgery told me that I was going to die a young women if I didn't get into a lower altitude. He was kinda rude about it, but maybe thats what I needed. He said that with my history my organs were just going to keep failing. Pissed my husband off. Of course he loves the mountains. I was wrong no matter what I did. "How does he know how you feel in the altitude?" well, I feel like shit I said. I walk around a big house by myself on oxygen all day and wait for you to get home. That didn't go over well. lol.


Never went back home for more that a few hours. Back at moms. What the hell was going on? Its an awful thing to be trying to please everyone and not make anyone mad or have to make hard decions. I took it a day at a time. My parent never really got into anything or told me what to do, but they were very insistant that I stay in a lower altitude. Which is not as simple as it seems.


Every other house is in forclosure and we are going to try to sell our house.? We stayed at my parents and my husband would come down like once a week. It was hard.


I realized that I had to get better and healthier, in order to make better, healthier, decisions. It took almost a year. Then I told my husband, I have to get a life! A home! As I'm writing this, I remember how mad I was at him for not being with us. Working all the time. But now I'm thinking what a burden that was to put on him. Now he was going to be paying for two houses? I wanted him to move down with me, but I think, well i know, that he was trying to wait it out. Let my lungs and body get healthier, so I could move home.


My 6 year old was going through horrible seperation anxiety, which I didn't even know of. It was horrible. I'm so glad that she is doing better. She had a rough couple of years and is the type of kid who doesn't think like a kid. She has to understand everything, you can't hide anything from her. Eventually I had to get her a doctor. Just broke my heart. The shit everyone was going through over me and I'm not feeling sorry for myself. Seriously, It was horrible to sit by and watch all who I loved going through hell and I couldn't do anything about it. I could help my daughter but It took two years to get her better. My doctor told me as I get better, she will get better. And she was right. Thank God.
But going through this with her, helping my grandma as much as possible, trying to start living again, functioning again, gave me inner anger that I would have to realease at some point. And All of it finally came out the week my grandma died.

The right to have firearms?? What do you think?

I received this in email today and although its not really about my life I like to share some of the emails that I get. So tell me what you think. ? First, I should tell you that we have guns, I have never killed anyone. I do not like war. But I love our soldiers. My son is one of them.

THE EMAIL WAS CALLED FIREARMS REFRESHER COURSE.


1. "Those who hammer their guns into plows will plow for those who do not." ~Thomas Jefferson
2. Those who trade liberty for security have neither. ~John Adams
3. Free men do not ask permission to bear arms.
4. An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a subject.
5. Only a government that is afraid of its citizens tries to control them.
6. Gun control is not about guns; it's about control.
7. You only have the rights you are willing to fight for.
8. Know guns, know peace, know safety. No guns, no peace, no safety.
9. You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.
10. Assault is a behavior, not a device.
11. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday.
12. The United States Constitution (c) 1791. All Rights Reserved.
13. The Second Amendment is in place in case the politicians ignore the others.
14. What part of 'shall not be infringed' do you NOT understand?
15. Guns have only two enemies; rust and politicians.
16. When you remove the people's right to bear arms, you create slaves.
17. The American Revolution would never have happened with gun control.

Remembering ICU- pulmonary emboli

I don't remember a whole lot about the rest of that night. I do remember seeing myself in the bed. Watching myself. But I didn't die, so I don't know how I was watching myself. Its wasn't like I thought It would be if you were dying .I was looking, not worrying, not wondering, it was just peaceful.


When I woke up I remember thinking, "What am I even doing here?" enough is enough. Then my dad, mom, husband, and kids came in. That's what I'm here for. Although to be honest, I still kinda had a gloomy feeling about being there. But the day I woke up I thought allot. And although I know your not supposed to, I slipped into the, "Why is all of this happening to me?" What is it that I am supposed to do with my life? And I feel really bad because for moments when my family came in, i still didn't feel like I had anything to look forward to. I'm very blessed. I'm alive. I have a great family, well you know all families are a little nuts. lol. I went through horrible sadness, frustration, anger. I had life choices to make and really didn't want to at the time. What is it that Joel Osteen says?" Don't be a victim be a victor. I don't know why I have had all of this happen to me, but there is a reason and I just need to stick my heels in and push forward.

But let me tell you; There were hundreds of times in the past few years even before this , I struggled to even get out of bed. Eat. I could have slept for a year and wouldn't have cared. In fact I loved to sleep. I would go days without taking a shower. I found it very hard to even function.

Now by all means I wasn't brave inside but had to act like it for the kids and family, when they left I just remember asking for and kind of preacher, priest, someone who could help me cause my beliefs were going to crumble. They asked what religion I was and I told them. They said well our priest isn't in this late, we can call him. I told them to please get anyone up there. In my eyes they are all men of God. I just needed some reassurance. I don't know what I needed.
And I remember them standing and praying over me allot. I was having a hard time focusing. I was literally so scared. It was all touch and go I could be good one minutes and bad the other.

ICU was good. There were only certain hours for visitors and I think that I needed that. Everyone has advice and my mind was too tired. I should have done this, that. I shouldn't have done this, that. You know everyone is just trying to help. They really don't know what to say or do and don't' realize that sometimes its nice to just have someone sit there. Just sit. No talking.

I remember them bringing the phone into me and my mom was telling me that my little one was at the doctor and she was sick. I don't know what happened but something did on the monitors cause the nurse came in and took the phone and I was asked not
to talk on it for the rest of the day. It made my heart rate go too high. I acted like it bothered me but it really didn't. Any bad news, good news, it was all stress to me. Its a weird feeling when you feel like your mind can't handle anything else.

The routine was stressful. Heparin to keep my blood thin, everything you eat either clots or thins your blood it seems like. You can't get well without eating. I guess. Blood work constantly, all night, every night. They kept me in ICU for about two weeks. And I was happy about that cause I didn't know what I was doing. The nurses were great. But something happened there that still bothers me....

A doctor came in who wasn't my doctor just the one who had that shift. He gave me a pill and an aspirin. Now I do have to tell you that from all of these experiences I watch things closely, doesn't matter how close to death I am. I ask allot of questions, and I'm sure drive them crazy. Anyway, next thing I know my doctor comes in in his camouflage, Definitely not working that day but was checking on me. I immediately told him what they gave me, an estrogen pill and an aspirin, and that i told them that i wasn't suppose to have estrogen. They had already gave me that lecture and told me that I would just have to go through the menopause without anything.

Next thing I know, my doctor goes out and I could see everything through my window. He starts throwing crap everywhere. The other doctor is yelling, my doctor walks out. oops I started something.



So a couple hours later someone who i swore to God I would never say came in and knelt by my bed. She said if you ever say that I said this I will deny it. I told her that I wouldn't. She said very simply, "You know, you do have the right to ask for the doctors manual or handbook for the medications." and walked out. I didn't know what was going on and asked the nurse if I could use the phone. I called my doctor that I have went to for years and told her what had happened and what I should do. She told me never to take estrogen, that's probably what gave me the clots in the first place.

I waited for the next shift and politely asked for the doctor medicine handbook. It may not be called that. Any way I go to what they gave me and it says more or less never to give to someone with blood clots and something about a ridiculous chance it would give me more. why would that doctor do that. ? Are the doctors fighting about who's the smartest.? I didn't know. but when that doctor came in the next morning I told him never to give me it again. He said well I gave you aspirin to thin your blood also. I told him again. never.

Later a nurse showed me my papers which I requested to see and there was obviously a big fight going on one page had a big sticker NO ESTROGEN; It even went clear to the board I guess and there was a paper in there from the pharmacy that said NO ESTROGEN.

HOW FAST THEY CAN SAVE YOUR LIFE AND HOW FAST THEY could KILL YOU with a little pill!!!!

I had a small chip on my shoulder after a week or so and told everyone when I say I'm sick I'm sick. Several people have told me "Your always sick". Yea and I really enjoy it. I know that there are a few people who say they are sick all of the time. But the reality is, most people would not lay in a bed for months, and want to go to emergency rooms, and swear that there was something wrong with them if there isn't.

My dad. Oh how lucky a person could be. I never woke up in ICU when my dad wasn't sitting by my bed. My mom had my kids, and that was a huge job. My daughter saw me almost die, they were all going through there own separate little hell. I never thought that my husband cared much, but he is just the type of person that doesn't show emotion real well.
My mom took care of us for several more months. Probably 6. I was on cumadin for six months and my dad would take me to town and have my blood drawn three times a week.

When you have blood clots everything is affected. Everything that I liked to eat, I couldn't. The kinda rule of thumb was if its green it will make your blood clot. I still remember my doctor telling me that i could have a teaspoon of iceberg salad with dinner???? crazy. So many things clot your blood. You learn though.

Final real advice that I received was never to move back up to my house where the altitude was so high. Well that left allot of options. I was about to kill my mom. She is sick anyway. I had our dream home up there, kids, a husband, his job. Our life. What the hell was I going to do. My husband was so mad he didn't understand it at all. But it all made since once I moved home.

"You have ten minutes" I'm dying

I got up and went to bed. Feeling bad cause it was my anniversary, and I didn't care. Wasn't going to wake up. Got up and put my moms oxygen on thinking I was going to save my own life and was really tired. Weird feeling, slipping into sleep, telling everyone, somethings wrong! I'm not going to wake up take me to the hospital. Now in their defense, I had just gotten out of the hospital and wanted to go back. They said that they didn't want me to catch something at the hospital, my system was weak. It was flu season.It was going to be ok. I was not stopping. "Take me to the hospital or I'm calling the ambulance." I started falling asleep while dad was getting dressed to take me. I wasn't going to wake up.... My little one ran up on me and bumped me which jarred me and I woke up. Out of the blue she said "Take mommy to the hospital."
My oldest daughter insisted on going which was a huge mistake, but I was too sick to argue. So we got to the emergency room and I told them what was going on. That I felt like I wasn't breathing good, something is wrong. I feel like I'm not going to wake up everytime I start to go to sleep. My chest feels like I can't get a good breathe. On and on.
So the nurses put the regular things on me to check vitals and so on. They were all good, everything was fine.
I wasn't giving up. I had to turn into my little bitch mode. I told the nurse well give me something to go to sleep and watch what they do!!!!! I could see my dad and daughters face getting red. They knew I was getting pissed. The nurse leaves.
Doctor comes in and tells me that hes sure I'm having an anxiety attack and everything is fine they are going to give me something to settle down and it may make me sleepy. I was pissed but in my own way was getting what I wanted. I needed to make sure that when I went to sleep, I was still breathing. Started getting groggy. But it was a different feeling.
Went and got several tests. I was thinking about all the money this was going to cost.
Here came the doctor again and said that he found the problem. I had gall stones and one of them was completely blocking my gallbladder. I don't remember reacting. Looked at my dad, daughter, sister-in-law. They had tired, relieved faces. It was in the middle of the night. Maybe that's why they were tired, or maybe they were tired of me being in the hospital, not sure. Probably both. But I was right, something was wrong. But what about my breathing? They were sticking to the anxiety attack. So I got pissy again. "I have had anxiety attacks for 15 years! I know what they feel like! This isn't it! Just relax. So now another surgery for gallbladder, great.
I was tired of waiting, had my sister-in-law go see what was going on. She leaves.
The noises of the machines..... Oxygen level was dropping, looking straight into daughters eyes she looked scared.
I told them.
Doctor comes in followed by sister-in-law and several nurses, what are they all running for. Nurses moving quickly around room. Family looking startled. Doctor says, "This is how people die" you have lots of blood clots in both of your lungs, "We are giving the medicine ten minutes, if its not better you will have to be flown out on flight for life and we will have to put you on life support!" Rolling fast down hospital hall, groggy, nurses telling me drink, drink, hurry. I remember trying to drink while laying down? I'm not sure. They were trying to get heparin, I think its called down me to thin my blood. Out.... Back... "Am I going to die?" nurse says, "No" I remember asking that several times, wanting reassurance. Or was I just thinking it?
Big hospital doors, opening, rolling, opening, fast... fast... fast... Where was I going? Where is my family? Oh God I'm dying. I'm in ICU

Here comes depression; First 3 sugeries

Well the first two were not bad. C-Section, then I got my appendix removed. The third one; My back surgery forever changed the person I am or have to be.

When I was around 12 my spine started to curve; I don't remember but maybe two days even in school not being in pain. I tried not to let it get the best of me. I played volleyball, basketball, some track, was a cheerleader. They actually found my scoliosis during a sports physical. God that was a long time ago. I did you to the doctor but they said that I didn't need a brace because the curvature wasn't bad enough. Big relief for me, cause I was a kid and wanted to play my sports. I can't remember ever even taking a Tylenol back then. Which isn't the case now. Anyway, as I had my babies, my spine curved more with each kid. The pain became unbearable. I was about 22 with two kids and went to several doctors. Every time they said that I needed surgery. This was not an easy decision though. Who was going to take care of the babies, me, everything. I used to do so many things, loved sports, loved allot of things.

Finally went to childrens hospital where there was a doctor that everyone said was the best and I was able to make an appointment with her. She said that I needed surgery and they were talking about a new type of back surgery where you go through the stomach to place the rod. I left so confused. We had no insurance, it was going to be like 80,000 and so I would have to try to get some help. Overwhelming.

I decided to go to several more doctors to find one that would absolutely not do a surgery unless it had to be done. I didn't need a friend, didn't care if they had bed side manners, just needed someone straight to the point. Its weird how i was thinking when I went to each one. I didn't judge them but I was looking for someone who wasn't too young, too old. Not to be rude just wanted someone with experience but yet knew of the new procedure that they were saying I needed. After several months of driving two kids an hour from our house to the closest doctors I found a doctor who had the reputation of never doing a surgery unless it had to be done, especially back surgeries.

Went into his office, he came in and wasn't real friendly, kinda seemed overloaded? He looked at my x-rays and told me that if I didn't have surgery I would be in a wheelchair at 30. Not allot of options there, I had two babies to raise. I was told that the surgery would be approx. 6-8 hours, two weeks at least in the hospital, they couldn't guarantee that my pain would go away and that it was a good possibility I could have more. I thought that was impossible at the time. I had like a 30 percent chance of being paralyzed. And remember feeling well compared to the pain I'm in i don't care. Would not be able to care for myself for a long time. In fact before they did the surgery my whole family had to go down and agree to take care of me for a long time. Like a year. I could not lift more than a gallon of milk for months and would be in a brace for six months. Some of my times may be off a little its hard to remember that long ago. This is when I started fearing everything.

They decided to go through my stomach or side. I guess this was the best option for me because I was curving but also my body was turning or twisting. I have a scar from the right side of my bellybutton, clear around the side of me , and it ends at my spine towards the middle. Big scar.



I was scared, and really was never the same. I wonder if all the time I was under anesthesia didn't help so much.



AFTER SURGERY AND TIME IN THE HOSPITAL



Seriously, I wanted to die. The pain was unbearable and why didn't someone stay at the hospital with me? I had an iv in my neck to pump pain medication in me when I pushed the button. I kept pushing it. Over and over. No relief. I tried to call the nurse but whoever cleaned my room forgot to put the call button thing on the bed where I could reach it. I didnt have a thing on the bed it was one of those big things they attached to the beds where you push the button. I couldn't move. I couldn't role on my own. I would wait for someone to walk down the hall at night and yell help, help me, please someone come in here. I need help. Finally a nurse came in and I told her I was soaking wet, needed to be changed, and that the pain was unbearable. She said it was from post surgery and to push button as much as needed. I pushed it all night. Was soaked again, and again.

I looked and saw the phone called the doctor, I was a total bitch by then. He came in and shit hit the fan. So glad I picked him.... Come to find out the iv had slipped out and was going down my hospital gown all night. Thats why I was so soaked. He went nuts. And I got pretty good care after that. I just wonder how much I had messed myself up trying to get the call button . Not having pain medication after that horrible surgery.

They had to deflate one of my lungs, which never fully got any better, I had tube going to my lungs to get fluid out, bag on me so i didn't have to get up to go to the bathroom. God it was horrible.



My husband brought my 1 year old and 3 year old in to see me. My baby wouldn't even look at me. Broke my heart. I remember these kids, they were bringing this thing in to stretch me it looked like one of those things that you lay on and turn yourself upside down to stretch you back. I wasn't having that; no chance. I didn't care, I already felt like my back was going to collapse. They fused three or four vertebrae and took one of my ribs to fuse onto my back where they had put several screws in me. Thats why I was in a cast for so long, needed time to grow around my rod and make its own bone. I can remember my mom being there and she kept saying, please be nice, be nice. After that first night though, hell I dont know if it was the first, second, third. I was in a self protect mode.

I kinda screwed myself by trying so hard not to hurt myself. when i called the doctor and told them that I wasn't getting on that thing, he said ok, but it is used to get you used to standing so that when we fit you for the brace you wont pass out because you haven't been out of bed for so long that its going to be tough for you to stand that long. I told him I could do it. lol.

To guys come in to fit me for my brace; back then they were like braces that you get put on when you break your arm or leg. Hard, the ones that you write on. I dont know what they use now. I stood up and they started wrapping wet stuff around, around, around, I was getting light headed. They said hold on we are almost done, I knew I was going to pass out. Just kept hearing them say hold on and wrapping faster and faster. Yea next thing i know, I hear, Shes going. Done. I passed out. But they did get done. God that brace was heavy, I could take it on or off, kept it for years, threw it away. Wish I had it now.
It was time to go home; I was scared, I had had allot of nurses and doctors taking care of me. What now?
Drove home in my moms van; Laying on the seat in the back. Crawling to get back there cause I couldn't bend. Was wishing I would just die there. I was so hungry which was weird, remember telling them, and they just kept getting me home. Had to stop and get meds. GOD, why dont they just call those damn things in! The trip home was about two hours, every bump felt like I was getting hit in the back with a hammer.




I have tucked all of the pain inside for so long, but almost made me afraid to do anything the last 20 years for fear I would have to have another one. Completely dependent on everyone else for everything I did. Showers, they had to roll me, feed me, everything. Everyone was doing there best I'm sure. They told me to never ski, ride horses, anything that would push or impact my back. I was a kid though, well allot younger than now. I let the fear completely control my life. I know several people who have had this surgery and it didn't work so they had a second, third, fourth. I just can't.



AT HOME:

Putting Anxiety to Rest for now

I just want to say a few more things about anxiety, then I will stop on this subject. But please, If anyone reads this and is wondering if I have felt what your feeling, or any questions about my experiences please just ask.

I guess what I have probably learned the most from anxiety attacks and when I get them in my life is that they are a signal for you to take a breathe and slow down. Literally. But really maybe it is just your bodies way of telling you slow down, take a breathe, I'm tired.

I think that an anxiety attack can happen without warning and usually do with me. If it is happening when you are sleeping its really scary. My doctor called it "Busy sleeping" which I guess means even though you are trying to sleep you are still thinking. I used to add my checkbook up in my sleep, make a list of crap I had to do the next day, even make my bed while I was asleep. Well I thought I was. It was a bunch of little stuff, but I was amazed at how accurate i was with my checking account. lol

I still have problems with change; I hate change and really need to work on that. It freaks my system out. I hate appointments or something that I have to do and usually still cancel although not near as much.

I've learned that sleep is so very important. And yea I've went through those times where I didn't sleep for days. It sucks. I do take something to sleep, I have to, if I don't get sleep my depression and anxiety go crazy.

You cant die from this awful crap. Although you feel like you are. Even if you pass out. I asked my doctor what happens when you pass out, do you die. She said that no actually your brain resets and its actually better when you come too. Although I would never pass out if I had the choice and its hard for that to make you feel better when you are driving your kids around.

SO you have to breathe and what happens is something to do with when you hyperventilate you are exhaling too much carbon dioxide compared to the amount of oxygen that you have in your blood stream . That's why they put a bag over your mouth. Although some think this might be more dangerous now. I still cant do that but i will cup my hands over my mouth and nose then take in ten deep breaths. While I'm doing that I try to slow down my breathing.


Ask your family if they had or have it. They will probably say no cause you cant talk about it I guess, like it makes you a weak person, but I bet one of them do. Also, with depression. My mom told me one day "I think you need an anti-depressant" I said well how would a person know. She said well I'm on them. I proceeded to tell her that It would have been very helpful to know that years ago. lol. I never knew it. Like I said I guess they think its a weakness.

I still want to just take off and flee when I have one; Its like you just want to jump out of your body or start running away. Its normal. Although it sucks. I pace allot too. And my family can tell when I'm getting anxious because I will talk allot. Fast, and mix up my words. They don't know that I'm doing that just to mess with them. lol. Not really

Something that was really painful to me although I am getting a handle on it was the burning in my chest. It felt like something was just burning right through me from the inside. I was told by my doctor that it is the acid in your stomach, It comes up your chest and that's why it burns. I think I used to carry mylanta. I think that's what I used to carry in my purse. might want to check on that before using for the burning in your chest. lol.

I had a huge fear of dying, it controlled my life. I fear others dying also. After getting blood clots and really almost dying that fear has somewhat went away. And for those of you who believe in God, I have to say, when you feel completely overwhelmed, just tell him to take all of your worries, it is in his control. And like my uncle and God father told me, "When you say it you have to actually let him" I still catch myself saying it then the next day start my crap again and try to be in control of everything.

If you let people know what you are going through I promise you will find someone who is too and is just probably embarrassed to say it. which i have no idea why. I don't care I just tell them now. But I had to get to that point. It used to be so important for me for people to understand what I was going through. But you really cant think like that or your just setting yourself up for a let down. How could they if they haven't had one? And do they really even care? I don't know. It took along time for me to get to the point where if someone doesn't understand. Oh well. If they dont care, then they aren't worth having around. You dont need someone to even understand if you can just find someone who will let you talk and listen. I swear to God that took them right away with me if someone would just listen. If you cant find someone then I will listen.... Just have to tell me.

The "What ifs" Oh my God did I do this. Everything was well what if, what if, what if. Well after doing this with my doctor for over an hour she turned it on me. She would say well what if. What is the worst, very worst thing that can happen. Start asking yourself that. Its good. Well what if my house isnt clean. Umm nobody comes here anyway. Well what if I die. Umm you die. That one is still hard for me. Well what if she doesn't understand and they think I'm crazy. Well then screw them. Maybe they are the crazy ones. lol.

And last; Your going to get better. You are. You just have to sort your life and figure out what makes them worse, better, how to breathe, the right medications (If you believe in medication),
find good people who make you feel good. Seriously, it takes time but it does get better. Try not to over think everything, which i still do from time to time. When your up in the middle of the night don't sit there and think about stuff. Do a crossword, watch a movie, something that will take you mind off everything that you don't control anyway. And I'm sorry if this offends anyone but once in a while you have to just say F it. Maybe for a whole day. whatever it takes. Thank you for letting me go on and on. I hope that I have helped even one person. And I will make posts on anything else that I forgot to mention, things that may help you, or when I have another damn anxiety attack. Talk to you tomorrow. lololol. Just kidding

Broken- Still at my moms

I was a thirty years old bent down laying on my moms lap asking her to kill me. Like she would of. She just went along with it. I was so much work. I was so sick. She would get so mad at me practically force feeding me. I still could go without eating. My weight just kept going down, and you know what I didn't care. Thank God they cared. I would lay there and just watch my mom take care of my baby, my teenagers, thats all I cared about deep down. Who does that? I did. My dad used to ask me to play cards with him. I still remember how my brain wouldn't work. Everything was so hard to do. But he just kept it up, even when I didn't want to. You know just someone taking time to play cards with you; made a huge difference.

In my mind I had nothing to look forward to. Even though I had a baby there. I would wonder what I was even doing here. And you really do feel like a burden. My parents used to say look at this and have me look out the window at this and that. Like I cared. But they kept going, didnt give up on me. Its a good thing cause I'm sure I would have just layed there and let myself fade away.

My husband took me to the emergency room one night. I wanted to be put into a damn hospital. I went to a therapist one time and the first thing she told me was that if she felt like my kids were in danger she would have to report it. WHAT? I remember that and I was a good mom up to now, I made sure I was at my moms so they would be taken care of. I shut down. I couldn't think clearly, what If I said something wrong?? Back to the hospital, sorry, I jump around so much when I write. So I'm at the hospital and I tell the doctor that I've got postpartum depression, I explain everything. I was trying to tell him that I need help. They send a lady in to evaluate me. She said "Are you thinking about harming yourself or anyone else?" I said "NO, but I want to die." She said she was sorry but unless I had a plan or had considered how I would harm myself or someone else they couldn't help me. What a bunch of crap. Although, almost ten years later, I'm sure they all were just doing their jobs. I didn't have insurance so everyone I called either needed insurance or we made too much money to get help from them. Didn't have enough money to get help, on and on and on.

Your mind is so powerful. But when you think you've lost it, your broken.

Anxiety attacks II- Other peoples' problems and you

If you read my first post on my first anxiety attack you know i left off with hospitals etc.

If you dont take care of yourself you cant take care of anyone else!!

This really affected my day to day life. I was scared to death to leave the house or be out of a "safe zone" found ways to get stuff done through magazines, mail, phone. Really screwed me up. My doctor was an hour away so needless to say I cancelled allot of appointments am ashamed to say lied about the reasons I couldn't make it. God forbid if it was snowing. But I did take notice when I went somewhere at how everyone was just moving on with their lives. Seemed like they didn't have a care in the world. Which looking back they all had problems but I was too focused on getting home. I have realized allot of things that really made me worse.

I was a perfectionist; Had to give that up. I would go on and on about how my house wasn't clean enough. I remember my doctor asking me what would happen if it isn't clean besides the fact that it drove me crazy. I said "Well what if someone comes by and its not clean" and what she said to me stuck. She said " Well if they are coming by to see how clean your house is and not to see you, do you really want them to even come by?" She was right. I still struggle with this until my body starts getting sick then I have to take a step back and knock it off.

My family used to say that if I don't have something to worry about, I will find something. They said you worry about the neighbors dog and they don't even have one. Really pissed me off when they said that. For years i was getting phone calls from people who were fighting with their spouses, girlfriends, boyfriends, they were broke, tired, sick, etc... I would worry about them all night long, no sleep. Then would have an anxiety attack over their problems. This is hard for me because I truly want people to be happy. Some people gossip or get a kick when someone has trouble it makes me sad for them. But I wasn't really in a position to have all of this negativity in my life..

The day I decided to change was when one of my friends called late one night and said that her husband was going crazy, the kids were crying, they were fighting, on and on. I was sick all night about it. So first thing in the morning I called her. She sounded so happy and said that everything was fine. That was it. This wasn't the first time. I had to worry about my own crap. And told her that. This was a breaking point for me I spoke, Let it out.

The best thing I think that I have ever done when It comes to anxiety and depression was to just tell people. Stop the excuses of why I cant go somewhere with them, or don't feel like it. Why I haven't taken a shower in days. I learned how to say NO. And after a couple of times it was so easy. Just no. It takes so much time and energy trying to explain yourself that you just get worse. It's all about them and what you cant do for them. Well you have to get a little bit selfish, which was really hard for me. But it made a huge difference in my health.

The amount of phone calls I would get say " Um.... This is so and so, and I heard that you have anxiety attacks and depression," they would start crying,"I can't take this anymore. I have never told anyone about this but I am depressed or having anxiety attacks. What do I do?" People who I would have never guessed. Rich, poor, it didn't matter. To be honest It made it a little bit harder for me cause i would get anxiety over their anxiety. But if you can find someone to just listen, not give you advice, just listen, you have it made. It helps so much. I found that my doctor was kinda like my therapist; She just listened. It was so much help. You probably wont believe this but, I'm pretty good at picking people out of a crowd that are depressed or have anxiety attacks.

So my point; TELL PEOPLE WHAT YOU HAVE OR ARE GOING THROUGH; IF THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND THEN THEY DON'T. BUT THEY WILL KNOW.



SAY NO! YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE RUDE, JUST FIRM. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FOR A WHILE, WHICH IS EASIER SAID THEN DONE. BUT TRY TO GET SOME TIME TO HAVE FOR YOURSELF.



ITS A FACT THAT MOST PEOPLE WILL HAVE DEPRESSION OR ANXIETY AT SOME TIME IN THEIR LIFE. SO THEY WILL KNOW THEN.



YOU HAVE TO LEARN HOW TO FUNCTION AGAIN. IT TAKES A LONG TIME OR MAYBE NOT. I'M STILL LEARNING.

"SAFE PEOPLE"

I call them safe people; I had maybe three when I was going through depression and anxiety attacks at 25. Then again at 30 with postpartum depression. They all had there own little areas in my life. One of them was my "safe person" to take me to the doctor. Another I would need to be around all of the time or I would actually get more anxious. And so on....... I wasn't independent at all!!!!!!!!!! And my kids were huge in functioning everyday. which was unfair to them. But if I didn't have my kids around me I felt completely empty. Its kinda funny cause if you dont have them around you its bad but when they are around you, all you want is a few minutes alone. I know sounds crazy. My husband always tells me im still like that. If they arent here I miss them. If they are I need a break.? Or they drive me nuts after like thirty minutes. lol. This only includes the 23 and 21 year old. My nine year old doesnt get on my nerves yet. lol. I have a dry sense of humor and as I keep writing you will see that I find myself funny. Most people dont. I dont know what to tell you. I guess either you think some of the things I write will be funny or you wont. Something all of this has taught me

DONT TAKE YOURSELF OR LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY! ITS OVER BEFORE YOU KNOW IT. WHEN YOUR DEPRESSED ITS GREAT TO LAUGH OR EVEN SMILE... AND YOU CAN EITHER LAUGH OR CRY; ITS UP TO YOU; OR YOU CAN DO BOTH. WHATEVER.