Quick tips for depression

This is a hard one. If I wouldn't have had family I would have been screwed.
Now I still have depression and manage it, I function. Which is what most people have. But if you have depression to the point of not wanting to live you need to see a doctor.

I know allot of people who refuse to take medication. I personally won't go off of it again. I wish that I was one of the people who could get on it for a year or six months and feel normal again, but I'm not. I have tried going off my medication many times and will try no more. Apparently my brain needs it. I kinda have a rule that will sound stupid. But when you take medication like for anxiety, some people I guess pay big bucks for that stuff for the feeling. I can't tell that I take it so that is how I know that my body needs it. Make sense? Probably not.

There are people who use other things instead of taking pills. I know people who wont take them because you cant drink with them. They would rather drink. Thats their business. For me I take medication.

I was one of those people who had a hard time taking care of myself, yet nobody knew cause I was damn good at hiding it for a long time. I loved to sleep and to be honest when I'm stressed thats what I do sometimes. But I also walk allot now. I swim, ride my bike. This would have been unheard of years ago. And its not that I didn't want to, I just couldn't get the .... I don't know what you call it. My body hurt, my brain hurt. lol. Some people called me lazy. I think that when a person lays in bed for months and doesnt leave the house for months, its not because they want to something is wrong with them.

Just to brag for one sec. lol. My daughter and I were talking yesterday. The older daughter. I told her that I had to get out of the damn house, couldn't stand it anymore. I can't stay indoors all day now. This is the time I've been waiting for. I love to do things, and if I would have known that a walk or swim took this much stress away, I would hope that I would have done it years ago.\
Although when your depressed a walk, shower, anything is a huge effort.

When I first started walking I could only make it a couple of blocks because of my blood clots and my lungs. I went out everyday for two years and went just a little bit more each day. I'm up to two miles a day now! Its been a long road but well worth it. I love to look at the trees, animals, I even look at the rocks. lol. I try to enjoy every piece of that hour I'm walking.

So I guess what I'm saying is that I was about as low as you can get and you can get better. I'm not going to tell you that I feel great everyday. I'm in constant pain, and I truely still struggle with anxiety and depression. But I get my ass up and by God take that walk everyday.
And I stopped when my grandbaby was born and my husband moved down here. It sucked. My stress level went through the roof. So, I started again. I dont care if the roof is falling in I have to take care of myself at this point in my life.

I taught myself to swim last year and found that it is the only thing that doesnt make me sore or hurt my back. Great excercise for those of you with back problems, and has helped anxiety and depression. The hardest part is taking the time for yourself to do it.

When you are so far down that you cant do anything my advice to you would be to take one day at a time. If thats too hard take a half hour at a time. Dont lay in bed awake worrying about things at night. Go ahead and get up. Watch tv or read a book.

My schedule took years to get back. I guess thats ok cause it took years to get so bad. I was and pretty much still am a night owl. I think its the peace and quiet. lol.  I had to go from staying up all day and night. Then I would stay up all night and sleep all day. And after a long time I make myself go to sleep, although its usually late, and I make myself stay up during the day.
Now dont think that I just go to sleep, I'm far from that and don't understand how people just go to sleep, although I know I did for the first twenty years. I have to take medication for sleep also. Another crutch.
But if I dont look at the clock when I go to sleep my anxiety level is so much better, I'm not so tired in the morning. Another mind trick to me. If I look at the clock then I sit there and count how many hours of sleep I'm going to get, figure that is not enough for me, and I swear I'm tired in the morning.

I cant tell you how important sleep is to me with my depression. If I don't get sleep I get worse. Sleep is a must and although I say I make myself stay up all day. I will take a nap if i dont feel right. I have to have sleep. And if your not sleeping, you know. I did take stuff like Tylenol pm for years, it worked for sleep. Although some people feel tired the next morning, I did anyway. But eventually my doctor put on medication to sleep. I went through allot of different pills, nothing seemed to work. I now take a muscle relaxer and sleep great. It takes my spasms from my back away and I sleep well most of the time.

Weather has a big effect on me. I need sunshine. Which is actually a fact. The sun gives you a certain vitamin I think it is that is very important. Check into it but I'm pretty sure that you are supposed to get sun between the hours of 10 and 12 am. When it get cold and gloomy so do I. This really isn't in my head although I feel like it is sometimes. I really feel like shit when it is cold. I dont like winter at all and if I was rich I would have a place with palm trees and and ocean for the winters. Yea that would be great! I will tell you that although I know its bad for your skin, I will go to a tanning bed usually in the winter. It makes me feel better, I dont know if its the fake light, the heat, but it does the job.

Little things make people happy if they take the time to do them. I do things that I never used to but have found that it helps. Take my 2 year old nephew for a walk, they find the good in everything. Garden. Play with my dog, God I would have never done that before. Go somewhere with my kids, just little things that take up your day. Try to enjoy them. Make yourself, it takes practice. I have always enjoyed doing things with my kids though, but I take allot more time now to do it. I used to clean, clean, clean. Cook, cook cook, yea thats pretty much over. lol.

Find someone who relates to you and doesnt act like your crazy to talk to when your having a rough time.
Laugh, laugh, laugh. Or cry whatever you feel like.

I think that I live like I think others want me to still. I'm working on it.

For me: Faith in God has helped me more than anything. When nobody else is there for you, he always is.

Another thing that I don't know if other people go through so that bothers me is when I get sick. As in a cold or flu. My depression shoots sky high. It pisses me off. So remember if this happens to you and your getting sick thats why your feeling like your depression is worse. My dad always has to remind me of that.

If you are really depressed right now then your not going to be swimming etc. but talk to yourself. Sounds stupid but it will help after a while. Tell yourself, tomorrows a new day and will be better. The medication takes time. Although, they tell you that you won't feel a difference for like two months. I disagree with that, but thats just me. I could tell in a couple of weeks if it was working or not. Maybe not the full effect but you can feel your head getting a little bit clearer
Last thing I will put down for now is if you are going to have friends during this time, which I hope you have a couple to help you, they have to be positive with you. Hand around people that dont sit there and tell you what your doing wrong, do what your doctor says. Unless they have been through it, I might listen to them. Maybe they were able to find something that might help you.  God bless All of you

Quick Tips For Anxiety Attacks;

This is what has worked for me; I'm sure im forgetting things so please ask questions if I have.

I'm not an expert but I have learned a few things that have actually stopped the full fledged anxiety attacks. I still get anxiety, which is bad enough and wonder if I will ever be off medication.

ANXIETY ATTACKS:

1. First of all, if you are put on medication by a doctor DONT go off of it out of the guilt of being on medication. Its still there believe me.

2. You are not imaginning how bad these things are. I've been through allot and they rank way up at the top of the list. Its awful, but with time, it will get better.

3. I always ask doctors if they have had anxiety attacks before or when I'm in their office. Sounds bad I know but allot of them just look at you with a blank stare. You will know the ones who have by the way they look at you when your describing them. If not ask.  Your supposed to be counceled too. I did a couple of times, but found myself more anxious when they started asking all of these personal questions that had nothing to do with it. It may with some people though, I don't know.

4. I did have a lady teach me how to relax my body. Its hard and takes allot of practice but really works. When you lay down, make it a quiet place, you start at your toes. Shut your eyes but in your mind only focus on your toes or your feet. You make them relaxed, almost like they are so heavy that they are going to fall right through the bed. Then your mind will probably start wondering again. So start over. Move up your body, but if your at your arms and your feet are all tightened up again, start over. It will take a while to get it down, but you will not believe how many of your muscles are actually tightened when you think you are relaxed. Its crazy.

5. Everyone is going to have an opinion: This is a rough part cause if they haven't had them then they have no idea what they are talking about and it will make you angry. I personally think that I did myself a favor by telling people what the doctor said that I have because it came from a doctor first of all, and people will be more at ease telling you that they have the same thing or have had. Thats where you will get your little circle hopefully of people that understand. I don't know if there are support groups for this cause I lived out in the boonies so that may be a good idea if there are. And a little attitude will not hurt you. Surround yourself by people who are nice to you and atleast pretend to understand cause your mind cant handle any bullshit gossip.

6. Most people don't like to ask others for help. I mean help doing everyday things that you are not functioning well enough to do. Its important that you get good at that. You dont need to overdue it but if you just cant do something that day you would be surprised to know how many people actually feel good and needed if you ask them to help you.

7. DO NOT try to explain yourself or your decisions all of the time. It made me worse and I'm pretty good at saying NO now. Take a few months and take care of yourself, because your probably the ones that take care of everyone else.  When they call and say "Lets go to lunch" and your in the middle of an anxiety attack, then you feel guilty for saying no, but if you go its really going to be bad, on and on. Just say "I would love to some other time but cant today" now some of them will say "Why" well actually thats when you will start going over everything...... Its really not their business.. Your trying to make it through the day. If they do ask why I would just say not today. That is it no more explaining. If they love you or are friends they will understand. If not well now you know who your friends are.

8. You have to learn to breathe. I know that sounds stupid cause it did to me. Obviously I was breathing or I would be dead. ? But we have a tendency to over breathe or hold our breath without even noticing it. Then its too late. And if you do catch yourself already going into anxiety attack, the first thing that you have to tell your brain is

 I CAN NOT DIE FROM THESE. And you cant. Your vitals are probably perfect. I myself cuff my hands over my mouth and take five breaths to get the carbon dioxide going, slow your breathing down, which is hard to do if you are hyperventilating, but you can do it.

9. I asked my doctor what the worst thing that could happen would be. She said that I would pass out. Oh great I said. Then she told me that if you do pass out when you wake up your brain is actually in better shape. It has repaired the levels of oxygen, carbon dioxide and you'll be fine till your next one.

10. ok and something I am not proud of but im going to tell you. Sometimes I just cant handle everything. Husband, 23 year old, 21 year old, 9 year old, house work, bills, on and on. I actually do get sick. But its not like a cold sick, I can't explain it. To get myself better, I tell everyone except nine year old. "I cant talk about this now" I truly ask God to just take all of my worries, I will fake being sick just to get to go into a quiet room and take a nap without any noice. I actually will lie or fib whatever to get away from everyone and sleep. I don't do that very often anymore but oh boy I used to. And you know what? So what. I felt better when I got up and was ready to take some of it on.

The last time I saw her;

I hurried back to the hospital, they were getting ready to move her to another room. When I walked in she said "Get me out of this bed and lets go home." I said, "Well grandma, I was going to go to the cafeteria and get some fruit for us to eat" I swear to God I was in shock. She said "Oh, you act so busy when you come here! We can get fruit at any corner store on the way home!" I knew I was going to have a hard time. I called my mom and told her that I had never seen Grandma like this. She was a completely different person. I was probably the right person to be there though because I know how pain effects you and I could certainly turn on people when I was going through things.
She wanted to go home and to be honest I was wishing that we would have never taken her to the hospital. It sounds bad, but it wasn't doing any good, she was getting worse. I couldn't have lived with myself if we wouldn't have taken her to the hospital though. So there she was.
She would always make us do her hair, nails, feet, just make sure that "If something happened to her she would be clean." She would say that she needed clean clothes just incase. I would always tease her and tell her that the first thing she was going to do is shit her pants so it wouldn't matter. A good way to make her smile.
Grey shiny hair, she was so full of fluid, and moaning. Horrible pain, uncomfortable, just plain miserable. I would go out of the room or into her bathroom wanting to throwup. She didn't even care how she looked.
She woke up and told me that the color of the walls was awful. So unlike Grandma. She didn't like the picture hanging on the wall. And now I had to put a mask and little cover over my body everytime I was around her or went out of the room.?????
They had warned all of us that she was contagious which in hindsight probabaly made her feel worse. We had so many babies in the family and everyone was being consious. She probably felt like she wasn't important cause everyone wasn't coming to see her.
So that night she told me that she wanted to go home and to help her out of the bed. I lied to her and told her that my husband was coming down to get the locks off of the bed because there were locks on the rails so that she wouldn't fall out. She got mad at me. Grandma had never talked to me like that. I was in shock. She said, "Well then I will just get out by myself. Out of all of the people, you won't even help me!" I told her that he was on his way but I knew that she was too weak to get out of bed. She had been laying there for too long. But she was hell bent on trying. It was sad. She grabbed the railings and started pulling herself to one side. She kept telling me to help her. I thought I would use the excuse of my back and I told her I couldn't with my back. She just hated me right then. I feel bad for something that I said to her. I said " You will just have to do it yourself cause I don't want you to fall and get hurt." I should have just taken ahold of her and acted like I was trying to help her get up! She might have went for that, but she was so mad at me. Once I saw that she had one leg through the railing and was going to get stuck i started pushing the nurse button. I can remember just standing there... It was like slow motion. I had never seen her like this.
The nurses weren't coming so I don't know what made me move except she was going to get up and she was pulling on the IV. I had all of the shit on that I was trying to get off. The gloves, mask, etc. I tried but didn't have time. I took off down the hall and told anyone who would listen that they better get in there or she was going to be on the floor.
When they got to the room I liked how they handled her. They asked her if she needed to go to the bathroom and she lied and said yes. lol. They did try to let her get up and it was the last time I saw grandma fight or try to do something. She tried so hard, layed back down, and said I just can't. She had given up. I kept telling the nurse to please check her heart rate etc. that I could see her chest rising and then It would stop. When she would breathe, you could see her chest rise then like bounce. The nurse told me that she could tell what it was by watching it.?? And that they were monitoring her from another room so they would know if she was going in cardiac arrest. Made me feel better. I guess. Also, pissed me off that she didn't check when I asked her to.
I left the next morning. She was still mad at me for not taking her home. The last night together and we didn't even talk. She was so sick. I tried to talk to her. Her favorite tv show was on. She just turned away.
The next morning I told her that I was going to go check on the neighbors house and cat. She probably thought I was lying. I knew that she was not there when she asked me if I had any ko's she called them. Tampons for short.?? What?? I told her no. She said well will you go get me some and then go look at the art, it beautiful. I told her I would. And do you know, I don't even remember kissing her goodbye, or telling her how much I really loved her. That makes me sick. Was I afraid of catching something? Did I do it? I cant remember.
I got home and couldn't find the neighbors damn cat. Finally found it. Then their pond had stopped working so I called a guy about it. Went and got my little one. Came into my house, sat on my bed, and called the hospital. This was the absolute worst minute of my life....
Asked to speak to Grandmas nurse to see how she was. A nurse got on the phone and I told her who I was. She said, "Um yes we have been trying to get ahold of her son, she has been in cardiac arrest for two minutes and they are working on her" my heart was beating through my chest, my body was going numb, pictures of grandma laying there getting cpr were going through my head. I told the nurse that she had a dnr and she said that she didn't have that down. I just hung up.
Called my friend to come get my daughter, pretty much threw her in my neighbors house, called mom and my uncle while driving to grandmas house. My aunt was there, flew into the house and I was screaming but don't know what I was saying, ran to grandmas neighbors and they came to watch my aunts kids. It didn't take me long to get there, but too long.
I pulled up to the hopital, took off running and went to the wrong door. I had just had the clots not long before then so I guess I wasn't looking good. Ran to the other door and saw my mom and dad. They were just standing there! Why wasn't anyone in there with grandma? They told me that she was on life support and they were waiting for the doctors to get done so that we could see her. I fell to my knees, started crying like I have never cried before. It came from my gutt and I couldn't stop. My mom put her oxygen on me.
When we went in she wasn't in her room. She was in the emergency room?? OH MY GOD .... She was laying there with this hose in her mouth, which would have scared her to death. She hated anything over her face. The pounding of my heart kept getting louder, I could hear it in my ears. I was looking around at people and wondering why everything was going so slow, somber.
Her body was going into seizures every minute or so.. Absolutely the worst thing ive ever seen. If she would have just been laying there. But her body would jump and shake. It looked painful, but I wasn't sure that she was even with us. I still don't know. Could she hear us? Feel us? What was she thinking? Was she in pain? I still wonder these things.
I asked my mom why she was on life support. Can she come back to us? But, it was for a whole other reason. Grandma had put a part in her living will I guess you call it that she would be on life support for three days.
I was confused: How could you just let someone lay there in seizures for three days. Then your also thinking shes there, your able to touch her, very selfish thoughts but I was thinking them. I couldn't stand it, everone said their goodbyes. I sat and held her hand. Studied her face somemore, then whispered in her ear as I was rubbing my hand through her soft gray hair. I told her " Who am I going to talk to now?" Then I found myself trying real hard not to be selfish. "Go ahead grandma, go to your baby, I will see you soon." "I know your tired, I love you, and your my best friend." "Go ahead grandma, everyone will take care of eachother" "Just let go, this is too much for you" "I love you, and I will miss you so much. Thank God I had you in my life" "Goodbye Grandma."
And I was shattered, my heart was empty.
The crying was uncontrollable.
The kids all had to sign some paper saying that if she had another heart attack that the doctors could just let her go. I couldn't go back. And I have a horrible guilt for that. Very selfish.
I truely believe that she waited for everyone to come say bye. The phone rang two days later, she was gone. Relief? Yes. The waiting... wondering... watching her seizing in my dreams. It was over.

My grandma used to call my daughter, sugar baby. And my daughter called my grandma "Grandma honey". When I told my daughter she said that she knew I was just joking and lets go see grandma honey. It took two days for her to believe me. Heart breaking. The start of seperation anxiety... what a nightmare.
Ok so thats all I'm going to right about my grandma and her death. I thought I would feel better after writing it. Maybe I do, as the tears are running down my face. I'm going to do my best to remember all of the good times and to remember that she is happy, not sick, and that I will see her soon.
I took my daughter to the beach a few weeks later. It had been planned for a long time and grandma didn't want us to go. But in the last few months she told me that she wanted me to go and that she never wanted her sugar baby to be sad. So we went, sat on the beach, and then went and looked at some art, and it was beautiful!

Total Fear of returning home; "Our dream home" God how I loved it but...

Well it was time to move home. I was scared! I knew that my husband would be working all of the time. It was very hard moving out of a comfort zone. My house was about an hour from my parents. I loved my home and missed it sooo much. But I had barely lived through blood clots and it was a risk. To be honest I dont even know why I took it. It was my kids home, it was our dream home, that my husband built from ground up for us. But it was a good 40 minutes from the closest doctor or hospital. My gut was telling me how stupid it was but in my own way I knew how much everyone had gone through for years with me being sick and I wanted to just make their life normal again.
I cried like a baby when I went home. But it was so good to be there again. Now I started noticing right away that I couldn't breathe well. I was put on oxygen which sucked so bad. I was what? 35 on oxygen walking around. Alive, but on oxygen. I couldn't really leave my house unless I went to a lower elevation so as I got a little better I would drive to grandmas or moms. It was stupid. I would stay for a week at a time.
Oxygen was like 500 a month up at my house. I layed in bed allot. Just like before. Pretty much in the middle of nowhere. Which I used to love. But i was scared now. If I got blood clots again, I had pretty much no chance of surviving from that far away. Here comes the anxiety big time. Pure fear.
The smell of my own house. Looking out the window at the beautiful mountains, fields of green grass. Always deer, elk, all kinds of wildlife. I tried, but it was really taking a tole on me. See when you go to a higher altitude your blood gets thicker. Which is ok unless you just had multiple clots in both of your lungs. I kept thinking I was going to get better. My heart felt like it was beating out of my chest all of the time. I didn't understand. It was explained to me that I had so much scar tissue in each of my lungs that my heart had to work so much harder to get oxygen to it. So oxygen goes through a layer to put get into your blood, but mine had to go through several because of the scar tissue. They said that it could take up to ten years for my lungs to heal. Could I live like this for that long? Did I want to? What to do?
Sounds like a pretty easy answer right?

Ten years earlier; Driving to the property that we had always dreamed of having. Yellow sunflowers lined both sides of the dirt road to it. We sat on the hill to see where the sun would hit at each time of the day. Watched all of the wildlife. It was like heaven. We had our dream house planned. Material things yes. Still important, I had allot of good times there, happy times. But yet, in the end I had to make a choice that would effect my children, husband, our lives. How lucky we were. We had enough money to pay for the property which had a pond on it, ten acres, it was beautiful. Lots of people thought we were crazy to pay what we did for that property. But we had always wanted it. Well just like life, you hit alot of obstacles. You always run into things that you didn't expect, when it comes to expenses. Right as the roof was going up the hurricane hit. Lumber prices trippled and needless to say, the loans started building.
Never the less, we raised two kids there and our little one for about four years. It was a place where everyone was always welcome. My kids always had friends there and it was far enough out of the little town. Just right. We had great times. I enjoyed every moment I had with my children there.Well until they became teenageers. lol. no really. I was going to live there forever. I'm not a person who likes change and never ever thought that I would leave my home. I used to tell my husband "If you are planning on selling this one, your leaving without me. lol" And now I was the one who needed to move.

When I went home I was happy to be there but scared to death. All of the what ifs started. What if I pass out from lack of oxygen and my little one is here alone.?? on and on. And who was there for me?? I thought everyone would miss me. Would come see me. Come help me or just visit. Another great lesson in life. Don't think that you are too important to people. Very good lesson for me. Just because they are important to me doesn't mean I am to them. In their defense everyone has their own family, responsibilities, commentments, lives. I felt sorry for myself cause nobody was there for me. But it really wasn't their responsibility. Although, I will tell you. This lesson also taught me to always be there for people who need me. I do my best. And I would have never made it through it if it wasn't for my kids, dad and mom, grandma, a couple friends, and although I have held a huge, silent grudge cause my husband was always at work, he in his own way was there.

Our house was big. I couldn't keep up with it. Just not enough oxygen. We were at about 7000 ft. in elevation. I started slipping back into deep depression, fighting like hell everyday, not to ever go to that dark
place again. I used to set there and look. Just look. I loved that place. I had a memory for every single spot in that house. I loved the property. But as time went on, I don't know. I just didn't know what to do. I knew that if we were forced to move due to my health it was going to be a huge deal. We were broke from doctor and hospital bills. Which makes you feel oh so much worse when your laying there in bed. I truely felt like my husband felt that I had caused all of this harship and recented me for it. He says no. But how could he not? And I did, I was sick for so long. It makes it so much harder when your racking up medical bills and can't even help pay for them. Im sure that he recented me and then I recented him for recenting me. Confusing.
My parents and grandma lived at about 5000 ft elevation. Which is weird that it made such a huge difference but I pretty much ran down here every chance I got.
It may have saved my life. I didn't need oxygen.
And I will tell you something that is kind of embarrassing because I don't know how many people have these feelings. But, when I thought it was going to snow. I took off. It didn't hardly snow where grandma was. I mean it freaked me out. Anxiety got out of control. I felt clastophobic, stranded. Alone, desperate. And I was raised in the snow. I drove in snow my whole life. I jsut dont understand. Also, the cold weather really started getting to me. I absolutely began to hate it. I swear it was harder to breathe. At grandmas only fifty minutes away it was alway aboout 15 degrees warmer. My whole marriage I never went anywhere without my husband, and now i was running constantly.
When I would get to lower elevation it was like something heavy was being lifted off of my chest. I didn't need oxygen. I loved it here. But I missed my house. And I know its just material; its the memories that get me.
I had never really been in a city. this is by no means a big city but it has everything you need. I was used to driving an hour to even get groceries. It was kina nice. I liked hearing neighbors for the first time. Made me feel better, which is weird cause I used to get so mad when someone would build a house around ours in the country. lol.
I like talkig to people and my daughter playing with the neighborhood kids. Little things, that made my life so much easier and my anxiety so much better.
At this time as I was going back and forth i felt good about it cause I felt good at the lower altitude. My grandma was getting sick though, she had allot of things wrong with her. So this was my chance; I took care of her. I loved being with her. It was sad though, she started just functioning, trying to make it through the day. I would try to make her laugh, she would. But you could tell it was jst for me. She also had a back surgery, and I'm sure that she never was the same.
So was trying to help grandma, kept going back and forth, and got a call. My grandma was really sick but wouldn't go to the doctor. She hated when I would come because she know I would call the ambulance. lol. So went down to get grandma to the doctor, well God had a different plan for me.

"You have ten minutes" I'm dying

I got up and went to bed. Feeling bad cause it was my anniversary, and I didn't care. Wasn't going to wake up. Got up and put my moms oxygen on thinking I was going to save my own life and was really tired. Weird feeling, slipping into sleep, telling everyone, somethings wrong! I'm not going to wake up take me to the hospital. Now in their defense, I had just gotten out of the hospital and wanted to go back. They said that they didn't want me to catch something at the hospital, my system was weak. It was flu season.It was going to be ok. I was not stopping. "Take me to the hospital or I'm calling the ambulance." I started falling asleep while dad was getting dressed to take me. I wasn't going to wake up.... My little one ran up on me and bumped me which jarred me and I woke up. Out of the blue she said "Take mommy to the hospital."
My oldest daughter insisted on going which was a huge mistake, but I was too sick to argue. So we got to the emergency room and I told them what was going on. That I felt like I wasn't breathing good, something is wrong. I feel like I'm not going to wake up everytime I start to go to sleep. My chest feels like I can't get a good breathe. On and on.
So the nurses put the regular things on me to check vitals and so on. They were all good, everything was fine.
I wasn't giving up. I had to turn into my little bitch mode. I told the nurse well give me something to go to sleep and watch what they do!!!!! I could see my dad and daughters face getting red. They knew I was getting pissed. The nurse leaves.
Doctor comes in and tells me that hes sure I'm having an anxiety attack and everything is fine they are going to give me something to settle down and it may make me sleepy. I was pissed but in my own way was getting what I wanted. I needed to make sure that when I went to sleep, I was still breathing. Started getting groggy. But it was a different feeling.
Went and got several tests. I was thinking about all the money this was going to cost.
Here came the doctor again and said that he found the problem. I had gall stones and one of them was completely blocking my gallbladder. I don't remember reacting. Looked at my dad, daughter, sister-in-law. They had tired, relieved faces. It was in the middle of the night. Maybe that's why they were tired, or maybe they were tired of me being in the hospital, not sure. Probably both. But I was right, something was wrong. But what about my breathing? They were sticking to the anxiety attack. So I got pissy again. "I have had anxiety attacks for 15 years! I know what they feel like! This isn't it! Just relax. So now another surgery for gallbladder, great.
I was tired of waiting, had my sister-in-law go see what was going on. She leaves.
The noises of the machines..... Oxygen level was dropping, looking straight into daughters eyes she looked scared.
I told them.
Doctor comes in followed by sister-in-law and several nurses, what are they all running for. Nurses moving quickly around room. Family looking startled. Doctor says, "This is how people die" you have lots of blood clots in both of your lungs, "We are giving the medicine ten minutes, if its not better you will have to be flown out on flight for life and we will have to put you on life support!" Rolling fast down hospital hall, groggy, nurses telling me drink, drink, hurry. I remember trying to drink while laying down? I'm not sure. They were trying to get heparin, I think its called down me to thin my blood. Out.... Back... "Am I going to die?" nurse says, "No" I remember asking that several times, wanting reassurance. Or was I just thinking it?
Big hospital doors, opening, rolling, opening, fast... fast... fast... Where was I going? Where is my family? Oh God I'm dying. I'm in ICU

Stupid thing I said

I feel so bad for something. I have never said anything so stupid in my life.
So my neighbors have had their house for sale for like a year. I love these people they are an older couple. They have been so good to me and my little girl.
I saw an inspection truck in their drive way yesterday, so I called them. I asked if they sold their house and he was telling me how they had a contract and it looked good. On and on. I said, "I'm going to shoot myself." Like I didn't want other neighbors you know. I don't want these people to leave. ok so let me tell you what happened about a month ago and why thats bad.
We have a pump ditch for water that you turn on and off two days a week to water your lawn. So I saw that he wasn't watering and he usually turns my water on for me, so I went over to check and see if he wanted me to go ahead and turn it off. I go to the door, and she usually answers. It takes a while. He answers and I asked where she was. The conversation goes on and she is in another state. His head ducks, and he said that his grandson committed suicide. My heart stopped I didn't know what to say. And he almost acted ashamed. God for the first time I had a loss for words.
So yesterday not even thinking, I tell him I'm going to shoot myself! What the H was I thinking. I'm so stupid. He said no your not, and thats when in my tiny little brain, I realized what I had said. Shit. I didn't apologize, I just kept listening to him about his plans.
I called my parents and told them. My dad is around the same age. He said. "Oh shit, sis." Then he said that they are smart enough to know its just a figure of speech. It was a mistake, and they know I was just talking. I hope so..... My mom wasn't so nice. lol. She said I always tell you to watch your mouth. OK so I vented, I feel so bad. I would never say anything to hurt someone like that. Shit!!!!