Swine flu? Flu? Whats the difference?

Yep gave all of us bad luck by saying we were going to be in hotel sick this weekend. Damn. I don't know what the difference between the swine flu and the flu is.??? Do you? We were walking through the aquarium and I swear to God it hit me so hard I was sitting places that people were walking over me. I was weak, my back felt like it was going to litterally break in half. I don't know if thats because when you get sick it settles in the part of your body that your the weakest or has had surgery or what? I couldn't make it thank God I had my 23 year old with me. I went into the car and turned the heater on as high as it could go. Shaking, hot to the touch but no fever at first. I was looking on the tom tom to see where the nearest hospital was then decided against that. I was thinking shit what if I were to get admitted what would my kids do? We were like three hours from home. I also got the flu shot! So I dont damn know. My daughter drove us to the hotel and thank God I decided to spend money for my little ones bday and stay there because there was valet parking, got into the hotel room and litterally could not move. I swear if I would have had to get my own medicine I couldn't have. The cough is horrible. It starts out just a little cough and within two hours your coughing so much that your chest feels like it is going to explode. I was sucking on my daughter inebulizer for her asthma just to breathe. My daughter took the girls to the pool and I knew I was going to toss it but couldn't get out of bed to do it. Finally damn near crawled to the bathroom and just got the trash can. Got back in bed and well to put it lightly damn near puked my brains out. My nose starts bleeding and I've never had a bloody nose, well maybe once. I was trying to wear a mask so that I didn't get my grandbaby and daughter sick, it was actually a lifesaver for me, I don't know if its because I was breathing in warm air which helped me not to cough as much or what. I remember the last time I got the flu and this was definetely the flu but I have to idea what kind?? Alka Seltzer and tylenol were the two meds that helped the most I'm still taking tylenol because if I don't I can feel the chills coming on. I don't know what meds my daughter gave me forsure but I finally got to sleep. The fever broke that night and I felt pretty good the next morning so I went to the Gymnastics meet. By the time it was over we were all sicker than hell. And there were people right by us telling us that their kids all had the swine flu. uuugggghhhh.
The baby started coughing and I felt so bad. Its terrible how grown-ups can tell you they are sick and poor little babies cant. My daughter called the hospital. She was about to have a nervous breakdown and was scared to death. They told her not to take the baby to a doctors office or a hospital!!!!! Give her tylenol. She feels ok tonight. I wonder how long this lasts? Let me know if youv'e had it please. Cause my little one started getting sick on thursday night and still gets the chills after the tylenol wears off. I need to have her go to the doctor I guess but they dont' want to see her unless she has a high fever??? I'm confused.

still; quiet; just taking in every moment

I haven't been feeling too good and was resting this afternoon.  My son came home from the base and stopped by. I had my oxygen on... sucks... laying in bed and heard him coming in. I am having a hard time talking to him without crying so I kinda said hi and pretended that I had went back to sleep. He layed down by me with his camo on and big damn boots that I would normally have a fit about. They have been working long hours and you can tell that he is just exhausted. He was asleep within a minute or two and I was listening to him breathe. It was calm and then fast, then faster, he was jumping like he was dreaming. I tried to just ignore it and let him get a few minutes sleep.

I was cherishing this moment although hes alot bigger than I am now, hes still my little boy in a way. His face is like a childs when he is sleeping. The freckles, blonde hair, little ears, blonde eye brows and eyelashes. When you are just looking at his face its as if your laying next to your five year old again.

I think he knew I wasn't sleeping though when he woke up. He put his arm around me, gave me a kiss on the cheek, and said "I love you mom"

He stands up and hes tall now. Camo, boots, just keeps going. Hes a kind and good kid with a generous heart. And can go from that to pissed off real fast. Hes very protective of his family and his country. I'm almost glad that he can get an anger issue fast for the first time in my life. It may keep him alive.

He will be leaving for death valley in a couple of weeks. Back for five days for Christmas and Thanksgiving, then we won't see him for like a year an a half. He is leaving us at the age of 20, will be landing in Iraq, or wherever they tell him on his 21st birthday, and will spend I think fifteen months there. So with Gods help I will see him when he is 22 again.

He will not be at this base near us when he leaves which is sad but I think may help us all. I am really sure that if I had to tell him bye right before he went over I would just have a nervous breakdown.

We are best friends in so many ways, but so much alike that we can get on eachothers nerves after a few hours. I would die for him but yet he is the one that is willing to die for me and my freedom.

I am going to truely have to put this in Gods hands before I seriously have a nervous breakdown. And I will but I have to write about it at  night or I just think, think, think. I know that I need to stay positive like he is. I havent said anything negative to him for a long time and I'm so proud of what a man hes become. I'm just going to miss him so much. He is the jokester in our family, he could make anyone laugh. Im going to miss that. He is the exact person or son that I wanted to raise.

You know how when your kids are little and you say I hope they turn out to be this, this, this, and this. Well he is everything I hoped he would be and more.

Friend shot; Son being deployed; Need help and advice

Guess I will try to write two blogs tonight. I had made up my mind that I was going to be positive for a change. But shit happens and I'm not so positive tonight. We got word that one of our friends' son got shot, he is in the marines and my heart just hit the floor. Hes a really nice kid. Shot right in the chest. He did live through it but the anxiety is getting out of control knowing that my son is heading over in a few months. You know I don't know how parents deal with this. And I know its the soldiers that are putting their lives in danger for us, but the heart ache, anxiety, fear, numbness, for the parents is almost too much. I have made it through this year without him being shipped. We just found out that he will actually land there on his 21st birthday. Some birthday huh. I'm scared for him and I'm becoming a wimp. I'm very proud of all of our soldiers but am litteraly sick to my stomach.  If you know of people, parents, who are going through this please have them write me on my blog it would be much appreciated and I need to talk to someone about this who knows what its like.  I'm not sure that anyone can be prepared for what might happen, I'm trying to stay strong for my son and other kids. But I'm starting to break. The "What ifs" start. My son and I had a conversation, well a forced one, by me. He said that its just the way it is. Hes ready. He loves his job. On and on. To tell you the truth I'm not sure I was even listening to him. I was watching him and flashbacks of when he was little just role through my mind, and now he is going to war. He is very confident in how they have prepared him for combat, and to be honest when I hear him talk it really does seem like they really prepare these guys. As he was talking and my mind was rolling I was just staring at him, he is still so young. Does or is he going to be prepared to shoot someone.? He says yes. He just kept looking younger to me, maybe immature, but yet when hes in uniform or at the base, hes a different person. Very confident, strong, and proud.  I am the kind of person that feels alot better if I know about things, so I need some help from you. How will I be able to talk to him when hes over there? Do you send letters? How often do you hear from them? Anythng that you can tell me. He has to go back to death valley, again, in california for another month before being shipped out, he will get thankgiving and Christmas with us and then be gone until he deploys. I suck at goodbys and may have a nervous breakdown so it might be better for him to leave from another location. I have to keep this to myself so he isn't worrying about me worrying while hes there. I need to be strong for him, but am so sad, scared, anxious, and litteraly feel like I'm going to have a nervous breakdown. He is my only son, has a huge heart and would do anything to help someone. Hes my hero, and I would die if I lost him.

Helping children deal with death, anxiety,seperation

Well if you have read my blog you know that I suck when It comes to dealing with death. But when your a parent you have to dig deep within and take care of your children. They are hurting probably in a different way and who know what they are thinking or the questions that they have.

Now allot of people told me to take my little one to a counselor. She had severe seperation anxiety, which I hadn't really heard of or ever dealt with. This had to be the hardest thing to watch ever. At first you think that if you just tell them you are not going to leave them, try to explain about death, heaven, they will be alright, but this was something that was not going away. My little one got worse.

God knows that she had reason. I was trying to live for my kids and damaging the hell out of them at the same time especially the young one. I did everything possible to reasure her that all was good, mommie was good, everything was going to be ok. It didn't work and was a couple years of heart breaking agony watching her go through this. She had watched me almost die a couple of times and kids aren't stupid. They listen. They hear. They know.
You can try to keep it from them, hide the horrible stuff, but they are smart and know whats going on.

She had moved to my parents with me, watched all of my illnesses, her big sister moved, her brother moved, her dad was living at our old house, her grandma honey had just died, we moved to a new place, and she started a new school. Just to mention the big things. I have so much guilt over this. Although you try so hard to protect the kids, they are suffering so much. She acted so strong and I think that finally she just broke.

Before I talk about  the seperation anxiety I just want to put down a couple of things that may help someone whos child is going through the loss of someone.

1.  We live really close to my grandmas old house and pass it everyday. She would cry horrible. At this time she was about 6.  She didn't want anyone else living in grandmas house and was angry. I let her write a letter to the owners of the house after talking to them about it. She wrote a long letter and asked them to please take care of her grandma honey's house. She went into specifics, which I think was good therapy for her. How to water the grass, what grandma liked and how she wanted someone to live there who loved the house. She basically asked them to take care of the house. I took her to the mailbox and let her put it in. Which I know your not supposed to do but they were watching. She smiled. Even if you can't put it in the mailbox you can pretend to mail it.

2. This worked good!   I take her to get balloons, which her and grandma had talked about. As many as she wants. She writes notes on them and we set them free. She watches very carefully. They go up so far and then you cant see them anymore. She says, "Grandma got it". And is calm again.

3.  I was really scared to do this but, when the people got all moved into grandmas they invited us in. I was scared and didn't think I could be strong enough for her. We had damn near lived there for years. But I had to do it. They took us to each room and let her look around. She told them stories about each room. Its weird there wasn't any grandma left there which is the way it is supposed to be I guess. It looked beautiful, grandma would have loved it. I realize that you cant do this with all losses but it helped actually both of us.

4. Eventually, I just had to go all out and try to explain everything to her. She doesn't let things go. I told her my beliefs. That grandma was so happy now. She was playing with her little boy and had so much family in heaven. Went into the pain. etc. At this stage I was still shattered, my gutt would hurt as im consoling her. I did belive what I was saying, but I was still pissed that she left me. Very selfish. I'm told thats a phase you go through I dont know.

5. I let her write letters to heaven for grandma and mailed them, or let her mail them.

6. And after three years of the hell of seperation anxiety she has a full schedule, gymnastics, gate, band, school. Dont give them too much time to think. I had to keep her busy. Although I felt like crawling in bed and crying. Just wanted to sleep. I had to keep her moving, which actually was a big help to me also. I didn't like it though. lol.

7. She made a photo album of her and grandma

8. I let her hang pictures of her. She put one right by where she sleeps. I wasn't sure if that was a good idea. But if they request it then why not. She still looks at it everymorning and is concerned that she is forgettting grandma.  So I encourage her to write down things that she remembers about her, anything. She has quite a collection.

9. She still sleeps with the blanket that grandma always used. Thats ok to me. So what. It was actually her blanket and grandma liked it so she let her use it. Now I will admit when grandma first died she wanted to wear one of her big nightgowns and I let her. She wore her nightgown to sleep for about a week and the phase was over. She said that it smells like grandma and "thats all I need"

10. Let them talk, talk, talk, if they will. I didn't know most answers. When I didn't know how to answer I just told her that. It will drive you a little crazy. Our minds are trying to process all of this shit and questions are coming left and right. She was bad with this, I mean all day everyday. So what I did was tell her ok, we are going to talk about anything on your mind, grandma, memories, whatever you want, but only at 6:00 at night. The rest of the day we are going to try real hard to be happy and look for things to be happy about. I was very surprised to hear her agree to that. It worked, everynight we would talk about the same stuff until I thought I was going to go crazy. Everntually the conversation got shorter. Then they stopped. She had either talked it out or found anotherway to cope that was working



I am sure I will think of more but thats a start. She has allot of faith in God and I don't even have to push her. Prayers really helped her, she would say them and then say now what do I say? I told her you say whatever you want to, so she will go on for fifteen minutes. She  tells God to say hi to grandma and did she get her balloons, on and on. Seems to really help her and actually I enjoy listening to her.

I never thought she would get better or get rid of the anxiety and sepreation anxiety, but she has. Thank God. Shes doing great. It took a long time. So much patience. But we did it.!!!!

The last time I saw her;

I hurried back to the hospital, they were getting ready to move her to another room. When I walked in she said "Get me out of this bed and lets go home." I said, "Well grandma, I was going to go to the cafeteria and get some fruit for us to eat" I swear to God I was in shock. She said "Oh, you act so busy when you come here! We can get fruit at any corner store on the way home!" I knew I was going to have a hard time. I called my mom and told her that I had never seen Grandma like this. She was a completely different person. I was probably the right person to be there though because I know how pain effects you and I could certainly turn on people when I was going through things.
She wanted to go home and to be honest I was wishing that we would have never taken her to the hospital. It sounds bad, but it wasn't doing any good, she was getting worse. I couldn't have lived with myself if we wouldn't have taken her to the hospital though. So there she was.
She would always make us do her hair, nails, feet, just make sure that "If something happened to her she would be clean." She would say that she needed clean clothes just incase. I would always tease her and tell her that the first thing she was going to do is shit her pants so it wouldn't matter. A good way to make her smile.
Grey shiny hair, she was so full of fluid, and moaning. Horrible pain, uncomfortable, just plain miserable. I would go out of the room or into her bathroom wanting to throwup. She didn't even care how she looked.
She woke up and told me that the color of the walls was awful. So unlike Grandma. She didn't like the picture hanging on the wall. And now I had to put a mask and little cover over my body everytime I was around her or went out of the room.?????
They had warned all of us that she was contagious which in hindsight probabaly made her feel worse. We had so many babies in the family and everyone was being consious. She probably felt like she wasn't important cause everyone wasn't coming to see her.
So that night she told me that she wanted to go home and to help her out of the bed. I lied to her and told her that my husband was coming down to get the locks off of the bed because there were locks on the rails so that she wouldn't fall out. She got mad at me. Grandma had never talked to me like that. I was in shock. She said, "Well then I will just get out by myself. Out of all of the people, you won't even help me!" I told her that he was on his way but I knew that she was too weak to get out of bed. She had been laying there for too long. But she was hell bent on trying. It was sad. She grabbed the railings and started pulling herself to one side. She kept telling me to help her. I thought I would use the excuse of my back and I told her I couldn't with my back. She just hated me right then. I feel bad for something that I said to her. I said " You will just have to do it yourself cause I don't want you to fall and get hurt." I should have just taken ahold of her and acted like I was trying to help her get up! She might have went for that, but she was so mad at me. Once I saw that she had one leg through the railing and was going to get stuck i started pushing the nurse button. I can remember just standing there... It was like slow motion. I had never seen her like this.
The nurses weren't coming so I don't know what made me move except she was going to get up and she was pulling on the IV. I had all of the shit on that I was trying to get off. The gloves, mask, etc. I tried but didn't have time. I took off down the hall and told anyone who would listen that they better get in there or she was going to be on the floor.
When they got to the room I liked how they handled her. They asked her if she needed to go to the bathroom and she lied and said yes. lol. They did try to let her get up and it was the last time I saw grandma fight or try to do something. She tried so hard, layed back down, and said I just can't. She had given up. I kept telling the nurse to please check her heart rate etc. that I could see her chest rising and then It would stop. When she would breathe, you could see her chest rise then like bounce. The nurse told me that she could tell what it was by watching it.?? And that they were monitoring her from another room so they would know if she was going in cardiac arrest. Made me feel better. I guess. Also, pissed me off that she didn't check when I asked her to.
I left the next morning. She was still mad at me for not taking her home. The last night together and we didn't even talk. She was so sick. I tried to talk to her. Her favorite tv show was on. She just turned away.
The next morning I told her that I was going to go check on the neighbors house and cat. She probably thought I was lying. I knew that she was not there when she asked me if I had any ko's she called them. Tampons for short.?? What?? I told her no. She said well will you go get me some and then go look at the art, it beautiful. I told her I would. And do you know, I don't even remember kissing her goodbye, or telling her how much I really loved her. That makes me sick. Was I afraid of catching something? Did I do it? I cant remember.
I got home and couldn't find the neighbors damn cat. Finally found it. Then their pond had stopped working so I called a guy about it. Went and got my little one. Came into my house, sat on my bed, and called the hospital. This was the absolute worst minute of my life....
Asked to speak to Grandmas nurse to see how she was. A nurse got on the phone and I told her who I was. She said, "Um yes we have been trying to get ahold of her son, she has been in cardiac arrest for two minutes and they are working on her" my heart was beating through my chest, my body was going numb, pictures of grandma laying there getting cpr were going through my head. I told the nurse that she had a dnr and she said that she didn't have that down. I just hung up.
Called my friend to come get my daughter, pretty much threw her in my neighbors house, called mom and my uncle while driving to grandmas house. My aunt was there, flew into the house and I was screaming but don't know what I was saying, ran to grandmas neighbors and they came to watch my aunts kids. It didn't take me long to get there, but too long.
I pulled up to the hopital, took off running and went to the wrong door. I had just had the clots not long before then so I guess I wasn't looking good. Ran to the other door and saw my mom and dad. They were just standing there! Why wasn't anyone in there with grandma? They told me that she was on life support and they were waiting for the doctors to get done so that we could see her. I fell to my knees, started crying like I have never cried before. It came from my gutt and I couldn't stop. My mom put her oxygen on me.
When we went in she wasn't in her room. She was in the emergency room?? OH MY GOD .... She was laying there with this hose in her mouth, which would have scared her to death. She hated anything over her face. The pounding of my heart kept getting louder, I could hear it in my ears. I was looking around at people and wondering why everything was going so slow, somber.
Her body was going into seizures every minute or so.. Absolutely the worst thing ive ever seen. If she would have just been laying there. But her body would jump and shake. It looked painful, but I wasn't sure that she was even with us. I still don't know. Could she hear us? Feel us? What was she thinking? Was she in pain? I still wonder these things.
I asked my mom why she was on life support. Can she come back to us? But, it was for a whole other reason. Grandma had put a part in her living will I guess you call it that she would be on life support for three days.
I was confused: How could you just let someone lay there in seizures for three days. Then your also thinking shes there, your able to touch her, very selfish thoughts but I was thinking them. I couldn't stand it, everone said their goodbyes. I sat and held her hand. Studied her face somemore, then whispered in her ear as I was rubbing my hand through her soft gray hair. I told her " Who am I going to talk to now?" Then I found myself trying real hard not to be selfish. "Go ahead grandma, go to your baby, I will see you soon." "I know your tired, I love you, and your my best friend." "Go ahead grandma, everyone will take care of eachother" "Just let go, this is too much for you" "I love you, and I will miss you so much. Thank God I had you in my life" "Goodbye Grandma."
And I was shattered, my heart was empty.
The crying was uncontrollable.
The kids all had to sign some paper saying that if she had another heart attack that the doctors could just let her go. I couldn't go back. And I have a horrible guilt for that. Very selfish.
I truely believe that she waited for everyone to come say bye. The phone rang two days later, she was gone. Relief? Yes. The waiting... wondering... watching her seizing in my dreams. It was over.

My grandma used to call my daughter, sugar baby. And my daughter called my grandma "Grandma honey". When I told my daughter she said that she knew I was just joking and lets go see grandma honey. It took two days for her to believe me. Heart breaking. The start of seperation anxiety... what a nightmare.
Ok so thats all I'm going to right about my grandma and her death. I thought I would feel better after writing it. Maybe I do, as the tears are running down my face. I'm going to do my best to remember all of the good times and to remember that she is happy, not sick, and that I will see her soon.
I took my daughter to the beach a few weeks later. It had been planned for a long time and grandma didn't want us to go. But in the last few months she told me that she wanted me to go and that she never wanted her sugar baby to be sad. So we went, sat on the beach, and then went and looked at some art, and it was beautiful!

Struggling to write; Before the death of my friend, grandma, angel

I know that I have spoken allot about my grandma and how she helped me through the hard times. I wish she was here. Although I'm sure that she is glad she is with he little boy that she lost so young, her husband, brothers, sisters, mom and dad and so on. I have went through alot of different moods and emotions when it comes to here death but it was by far the hardest night of my life. I can go through stuff, but I hate to see others in pain. I do NOT handle death good at all. I suppose for selfish reasons. I get close to very few people but the ones that I do; I want around forever. So please bare with me, I am going to write this whole blog on my grandma and her death. The worst day of my life July17, 2006. I hope the date is right. Sometimes it seems it has been forever, then other days it seems she was just here. I moved a few blocks from her on purpose when I had to move from the blood clots. And I know that when I'm talking about how special she is most of you probably think, well so was my grandma. But I'm going to do my best at this and it may take several days to complete so be patient please.

As a child most of my memories are with her. Not because I didn't have good parents. She was the one who watched me and my three brothers while my parents worked. She was the most beautiful woman I had ever saw. Dark Black hair, perfect face, calm as an angel. She gained weight when she lost her little boy at the age of 3 or 4. She was still beautiful. Inside and out. I used to hug her and try to get my arms wrapped all the way around her. She gave us birthday parties every night that we stayed the night so we wouldn't bother papa. I used to watch her pick fuzz off of socks when they got out of the dryer for hours. She used to let us pick rubarb out of the neighbors yard and dip it into sugar. She always had breakfast, lunch, and dinner on, which after papa died and she never really cooked allot i figured that it may have just been expected of her, I dont know if she loved it?  The most important thing about my grandma was that from the time I was little till the time she passed away, she never, once, made me feel like I was in her way, bothering her, putting her out, i was always welcome and even if she was tired of me she never showed it. My parents used to take us to church every weekend and I never asked but later in life grandma told me that she was so mad at God for so long for taking her little boy. She didn't understand. I guess I would feel like that too. She wasn't hateful about it, and I think she really wanted God in her life. And he was. She used to read the bible to me everynight when I was sick out of proverbs. Until my nerves were bad. lol. And of all the things she could leave me when she died, she left me her bible. What a blessing. And it made my heart feel good when I went through it. She never lost her faith, there were pictures of everyone who had gotten sick in the family, letters, things to remember. I will cherrish it forever, although i do have to tell you I have only opened it once. Maybe someday.

I think that I used to talk to my grandma atleast five times a day as a teenager and into my twenties. She always answered. lol. Grandma did everything for everyone. Her family was her life. And she was our life. She held everyone together, and would be disappointed if she knew how it was now. But would understand. She loved being in the womens' club and throwing parties. lol. She loved to laugh and have fun. And second best thing between me and grams was that she was the one person in my life that completely knew me..... I could dance, sing, act like I was funny, never ever had to act like I was someone else around her. Boy. do I miss that.

I moved into this house in september, grandma came over with our help and probably a liitle coaxing. I was just trying to get her out of the house. She hadn't been out in sooo long. Well, it was aweful. She didn't say that but me and my husband were helping her up our little stairs in the front and it sounded like her bones were breaking when we would even put our hands under her arms to help her up. I never again asked her to come over or pushed her to get up. It was a horrible sound and very sad.

In the next months she would lay in bed, she had one of those hospital beds in her frontroom. She was so sick. One thing after the other. She had high blood pressure, and diabetes at the end. Every pill had a side effect and was taken care of by another pill. I tried to make her laugh, but it didn't happen often now.  I tried to make her want to live, but i think she had lost her will. She had her dog, which I swore saved her life when papa died, but I'm not sure she even worried about him anymore. Very sick. Thank God she had also given us her dog. I think that he has saved us. Just a little part of grandma. He ran to her house from mine for about a month. It was sad. Not so much anymore though. He is old but still something to hold onto.

The last time we took her to the hospital they had to transport her to a different city. about thirty minutes from here. At the hospital she was talking to me. I can remember trying to tease her. She told me never to let my little one be sad about her. I asked her to please fight grandma, please, what will I do without you. She sighed and said, "I'm not worth shootin" That used to be her little saying. I said "But who will be my best friend? Who will talk to me?" "She said, "I'm ready to go." I just ignored her.

She was transferred by ambulance and seemed to get worse right away. This first time I went in to see her, it was horrible. It wasn't even like grandma. I decided to stay a couple of nights with her after a few days. It was weird she would go from cardio, to neuro, to this and that. All over the hospital. The they told us that we had to wear a gown and mask to get into see her, I thought It was to protect her. But as Im writing I remember that she had something. Cant remember what it was. Her temperature was crazy, up and down. I was really worried about her heart. I could see her breathing and it looked like she was having allot of trouble. She was a tough woman too. I had never heard her moan like this. Just makes your stomach hit the floor. Grandma had survived breast cancer, something in her throat, both knees were operated on, both ankles had screws in them, she had her spine fused.
Just something she laughed about all of the time; A guy came over to check on her oxygen or some equiptment she was on at her house. I was in the kitchen and she said to him, "My family thinks that I have more than one screw loose. Do you think thats right?" He got so mad and said that was aweful for us to say. I made her tell him that she actually did have a real screw loose in her ankle, actually both ankles and he settled down. She laughed about that for a year. lol.

This first night I was at the hospital: to be cont. cant take anymore for the night.