Seperation anxiety in children

The pure fear they have inside is heart breaking. She would not leave my side. And I really mean that. I could feel her eyes going through the back of my head when I would walk out of the room. I'm sure she thought I was going to die. At first you just tell them to stop it, but it becomes bad fast. You could have told her whatever you wanted to she was hell bent on not losing anyone else.

She would not go with anyone. I mean in a vehicle, to their house. Nothing. And you couldn't make her. I'm serious she would cause a scene and she wasn't just being a brat you could tell that her anxiety level was at a peak. Her face would turn red. I recently asked her if she still remembers the feeling and she said yes. She said "It was like being on a roller coaster all day long with your tummy" God, and I caused allot of this by being so sick.

I didn't know what to do and was very defensive over it. The fear that they feel is real and I felt so powerless. I spent everyday in her classroom or she wouldn't go to school. Doctors orders. she was put on medication which I hated but it got so out of control. I started substituting and she would leave class and come find me just to make sure I was there.

You have to realize this was so unlike her, she never wanted to be in trouble with the teacher, but this anxiety took her over. She was fragile, delicate and I didn't know how else to help her.

She had trouble that year in school and had "mean girls" which her mind could not handle. I knew how it felt but yet didn't know how to help my baby.

The constant question; They repeat things over and over. But hundreds of times a day. "Mom, will you be here?" I would say "Yes, of course." She would repeat that about ten times when she would even go to gym, the bathroom, it didn't matter. She would take a few steps and it would start again. "Will you be here when I get back?" Same answer.  I tried to be so patient.

The thing that made me sick. I have always been here for my kids. Never missed a day with them. Why would she think I would leave her? Not die. Just leave her. I would never do that.

The mothers made a big stir about me being at the school when I volunteered. They thought I favored my kid. I've never been mean to any kid. They were mad when she got put into gifted and talented. And I didn't care that she got put in. I have been through raising two other kids. Although, it is good for her because she gets bored, which gives her too much time to think. I'm amazed at how petty parents are. The situation was explained and a doctors note accompanied about what she was going through, what she needed, her medication, what she had gone through and even how she was thinking and over-thinking everything. The teacher was great. I didn't just sit there I helped grade etc. And it was hard on me I was still recovering, but they didn't care. I have a real hard time with envious people. And they didn't even have anything to envy? What the hell?

I ended up having to move her to a different school. I could not let her go through it anymore. It wasn't even so much the kids. The moms. I just don't understand it. When people are going through hard times, I feel bad for them, try to help them, atleast understand them. They didn't care. I didn't give them the satisfaction of knowing why I moved her but she needed to heal. She needed time to get mentally well, healthy, and that is my job. Its my job to make sure she is in an environment to do that.

Now I know that people will think well kids have to go through stuff, it makes them stronger. blah blah blah. Not my kid and not when she is going through this. It is my job to protect her. So thats that.

I took her to my doctor and she was put on medication. It did help. She was on it for six months. Has been off of it for almost two years and is a different kid. I honest to God didn't think that she would ever get better. She did. And as my doctor told me "As you get better so will she" which really made me get my ass up and start pushing myself to do whatever I could. Then more the next day, more the next day. We are both better. Thank God. She doesn't have anymore to go, I still struggle but am so much better than I was.

My illnesses effected all of my kids and although I would like to jump off a cliff sometime, lol, well not really. My older daughter was fourteen and my son was 11 with the postpartum depression. They went through hell and I could see the worry in their faces. It was sad and I was dealing with so many illnesses at the time I couldnt even give them advice on how to handle it. My daughter was like a second mom to my little one which is why when she moved it was just another horrible thing in my babies eyes to deal with. My son had an anger issue, but probably has the biggest heart of all of us. He didn't know how to deal either. My husband just pretty much ran. Worked.

This illness is very serious in kids and its the saddest thing I've seen. There is no good way of handling it, just do your best. Be there no matter what. The doctor told me to let her take an album to school with all of our pictures. That made it worse but it may help some kids.

Probably the best thing that I did was to get her a pay as you go cell phone. It calmed her down allot, she had a connection and could get ahold of me at any time. You have to keep your word because if you don't you will be starting over. That comes from experience. If you tell them you will be outside a door, which we had to go over atleast twenty times in the morning, be there. Everytime. I promiss it will get easier. Realize that all they are thinking about all day is where you are what you are doing. My daughter is a couple years over her grade, some kids fall back. Don't feel like a bad parent if they do. You will just have to help them. They aren't thinking about the homework, their minds are scrambling about everything and its hard for them to concentrate.

I couldn't put her in any activities at first she just couldn't take it. But as she started getting better I did and it helped.

Absolutely do not let people tell them to "Just stop it" it doesn't work and it made her worse. It doesn't take much for them to get back to square one. Although i definetely would notify the school, teachers, anyone who could help her in a situation. They should be sympathetic and sincere about it. If they aren't going to be your going to have to take care of it.  Some wont be so find the ones who will, if not stick to your kid like glue. I have no idea what you will do if you are working cause I don't think I could have done it.

Family is important although they have to know what the kid has and what not to say around them. Make them realize that these kids worry about everything, even if its not kid stuff. For Gods sake I had to take the bible from my daughter because she was reading her own thoughts into it, thinking she was going to hell for everything. She has it back now. They just over-think everything.

 

You might want to only let them watch certain things on tv. They think everything is going to happen to them, even if it is just a fiction show. My doctor said not to let her watch anything but cartoons for a while. It worked.

I just asked her what helped her: She said the cell phone, and that she still gets nervous sometimes.

Teach them how to calm themselves down when you are at home with them and it is quiet. Its important and it will help them, although when they are really bad they don't care if they are breathing correctly and it also depends on their age. Its tough. I would walk outside. She wanted to know what side of the house I was going to be on. If I had moved to another side without thinking you could hear her screaming for me. How horrible it must be to be that afraid... So I would have to tell her ok I'm going to the back but might be in the front in a couple of minutes. We started doing breathing and thinking excercises. It was so hard for her. I would tell her what I was going to do so she would know. I told her when you feel the anxiety and fear coming you take a deep breathe and then think "she isn't going to leave me" where did she tell me I would be? breathe go to the other side of the house. She would find me. It took a long time.

She doesn't carry the cell phone anymore, they usually wont use it anyway its just a mental thing. And her teacher was a life saver cause she would let her call me when she was getting anxiety. It goes from nervous, to sick to their stomachs, to full fledged anxiety fast.

Get a support base of people who may not understand but would do whatever it takes for your child. Positive people, older people are great cause most of them are calm and reassuring, like grandparents.

My daughter had to know what was going on from the time she woke up until the time she went to bed, and I couldn't tell her "shit happens" or "what if this happens what do you do?" She would have freaked out. But I got it covered with people without her knowing.

I'm telling you if you are going through this with your child you probably feel like your going crazy. The questions over and over alone really try your patience. Its really hard and just understand how hard it is for them. They are so miserable, they are hurting and we know why but we don't know why. I could tell her I would never leave her she would say I know but what if something happens and your not there. Well then so and so would be here. Well what if they weren't her? It went on for hours and I'm not kidding. She meant it too she wasn't just screwing with me.

Your life becomes their life. You can lay up all night and try to figure out how to fix it or you can realize that this is going to take some time. Go day by day by day.

After a year she started getting a little better. After about a year and a half she was allot better and then I started another phase which I don't know if it was right or wrong but it seemed like this was the time to try to make her a little stronger. I started playing the "what if " game with her. When she would say are you sure that you will be at door number two at 3:14, by the tree. I would say yes. And I told her that we were going to play this game everyday. So I would say but "What if" (start real small) I was standing on the sidewalk instead of by the tree what would happen? Her face would turn red, you could just see that it was messing her up. I said, well what could you do? She wouldn't answer so I would give her something she could do. See they aren't thinking well enough to go that far. I said could you look around for just a couple of seconds and see me on the sidewalk? She said yes, but please don't do that. We played this game and I would slowly progress to "What if I wasn't there at 3:14, what could you do? She could go back inside to her teacher. etc.

Although I played this with her I never did it for almost two years or she would have seriously had a meltdown. she had several when I was thirty seconds late.

It took two years for me to start pulling away a bit. By then her sister and brother moved back to our state which helped allot although it took her a while to even go with them.  It sounds crazy to people who aren't going through it but I litterally took one step back from the school door at a time. One step. Eventually, I was almost to the end of the playground. And thank God I have not been in the hospital since.

Today, I take her to school, she rides the bus home!, I don't go to the school and volunteer, I work at a different school and she will ride the bus there! She will go with her sister and brother! She has stayed the night, well threes nights. lol. at a friends house! She goes to our old house with her dad when he is working on it for the people who bought it! Goes to band and gymnastics, still wants us to be there. Stays at my mom and dads. I'm just so happy for her. She is so much better.

To all of you who are going through this I just don't know what to say. It may not take as long. She was really bad. Hang in there and if you need someone to talk to you know just blog me cause I'm sure there are things that I have forgotten to mention. Be patient, dont let people tell you how to do your job, its not their kid or their hell that you are going through. And last but not least, they get better. I never thought she would but I can't believe how far she has come. God Bless You All.

Quick Tips For Anxiety Attacks;

This is what has worked for me; I'm sure im forgetting things so please ask questions if I have.

I'm not an expert but I have learned a few things that have actually stopped the full fledged anxiety attacks. I still get anxiety, which is bad enough and wonder if I will ever be off medication.

ANXIETY ATTACKS:

1. First of all, if you are put on medication by a doctor DONT go off of it out of the guilt of being on medication. Its still there believe me.

2. You are not imaginning how bad these things are. I've been through allot and they rank way up at the top of the list. Its awful, but with time, it will get better.

3. I always ask doctors if they have had anxiety attacks before or when I'm in their office. Sounds bad I know but allot of them just look at you with a blank stare. You will know the ones who have by the way they look at you when your describing them. If not ask.  Your supposed to be counceled too. I did a couple of times, but found myself more anxious when they started asking all of these personal questions that had nothing to do with it. It may with some people though, I don't know.

4. I did have a lady teach me how to relax my body. Its hard and takes allot of practice but really works. When you lay down, make it a quiet place, you start at your toes. Shut your eyes but in your mind only focus on your toes or your feet. You make them relaxed, almost like they are so heavy that they are going to fall right through the bed. Then your mind will probably start wondering again. So start over. Move up your body, but if your at your arms and your feet are all tightened up again, start over. It will take a while to get it down, but you will not believe how many of your muscles are actually tightened when you think you are relaxed. Its crazy.

5. Everyone is going to have an opinion: This is a rough part cause if they haven't had them then they have no idea what they are talking about and it will make you angry. I personally think that I did myself a favor by telling people what the doctor said that I have because it came from a doctor first of all, and people will be more at ease telling you that they have the same thing or have had. Thats where you will get your little circle hopefully of people that understand. I don't know if there are support groups for this cause I lived out in the boonies so that may be a good idea if there are. And a little attitude will not hurt you. Surround yourself by people who are nice to you and atleast pretend to understand cause your mind cant handle any bullshit gossip.

6. Most people don't like to ask others for help. I mean help doing everyday things that you are not functioning well enough to do. Its important that you get good at that. You dont need to overdue it but if you just cant do something that day you would be surprised to know how many people actually feel good and needed if you ask them to help you.

7. DO NOT try to explain yourself or your decisions all of the time. It made me worse and I'm pretty good at saying NO now. Take a few months and take care of yourself, because your probably the ones that take care of everyone else.  When they call and say "Lets go to lunch" and your in the middle of an anxiety attack, then you feel guilty for saying no, but if you go its really going to be bad, on and on. Just say "I would love to some other time but cant today" now some of them will say "Why" well actually thats when you will start going over everything...... Its really not their business.. Your trying to make it through the day. If they do ask why I would just say not today. That is it no more explaining. If they love you or are friends they will understand. If not well now you know who your friends are.

8. You have to learn to breathe. I know that sounds stupid cause it did to me. Obviously I was breathing or I would be dead. ? But we have a tendency to over breathe or hold our breath without even noticing it. Then its too late. And if you do catch yourself already going into anxiety attack, the first thing that you have to tell your brain is

 I CAN NOT DIE FROM THESE. And you cant. Your vitals are probably perfect. I myself cuff my hands over my mouth and take five breaths to get the carbon dioxide going, slow your breathing down, which is hard to do if you are hyperventilating, but you can do it.

9. I asked my doctor what the worst thing that could happen would be. She said that I would pass out. Oh great I said. Then she told me that if you do pass out when you wake up your brain is actually in better shape. It has repaired the levels of oxygen, carbon dioxide and you'll be fine till your next one.

10. ok and something I am not proud of but im going to tell you. Sometimes I just cant handle everything. Husband, 23 year old, 21 year old, 9 year old, house work, bills, on and on. I actually do get sick. But its not like a cold sick, I can't explain it. To get myself better, I tell everyone except nine year old. "I cant talk about this now" I truly ask God to just take all of my worries, I will fake being sick just to get to go into a quiet room and take a nap without any noice. I actually will lie or fib whatever to get away from everyone and sleep. I don't do that very often anymore but oh boy I used to. And you know what? So what. I felt better when I got up and was ready to take some of it on.

The last time I saw her;

I hurried back to the hospital, they were getting ready to move her to another room. When I walked in she said "Get me out of this bed and lets go home." I said, "Well grandma, I was going to go to the cafeteria and get some fruit for us to eat" I swear to God I was in shock. She said "Oh, you act so busy when you come here! We can get fruit at any corner store on the way home!" I knew I was going to have a hard time. I called my mom and told her that I had never seen Grandma like this. She was a completely different person. I was probably the right person to be there though because I know how pain effects you and I could certainly turn on people when I was going through things.
She wanted to go home and to be honest I was wishing that we would have never taken her to the hospital. It sounds bad, but it wasn't doing any good, she was getting worse. I couldn't have lived with myself if we wouldn't have taken her to the hospital though. So there she was.
She would always make us do her hair, nails, feet, just make sure that "If something happened to her she would be clean." She would say that she needed clean clothes just incase. I would always tease her and tell her that the first thing she was going to do is shit her pants so it wouldn't matter. A good way to make her smile.
Grey shiny hair, she was so full of fluid, and moaning. Horrible pain, uncomfortable, just plain miserable. I would go out of the room or into her bathroom wanting to throwup. She didn't even care how she looked.
She woke up and told me that the color of the walls was awful. So unlike Grandma. She didn't like the picture hanging on the wall. And now I had to put a mask and little cover over my body everytime I was around her or went out of the room.?????
They had warned all of us that she was contagious which in hindsight probabaly made her feel worse. We had so many babies in the family and everyone was being consious. She probably felt like she wasn't important cause everyone wasn't coming to see her.
So that night she told me that she wanted to go home and to help her out of the bed. I lied to her and told her that my husband was coming down to get the locks off of the bed because there were locks on the rails so that she wouldn't fall out. She got mad at me. Grandma had never talked to me like that. I was in shock. She said, "Well then I will just get out by myself. Out of all of the people, you won't even help me!" I told her that he was on his way but I knew that she was too weak to get out of bed. She had been laying there for too long. But she was hell bent on trying. It was sad. She grabbed the railings and started pulling herself to one side. She kept telling me to help her. I thought I would use the excuse of my back and I told her I couldn't with my back. She just hated me right then. I feel bad for something that I said to her. I said " You will just have to do it yourself cause I don't want you to fall and get hurt." I should have just taken ahold of her and acted like I was trying to help her get up! She might have went for that, but she was so mad at me. Once I saw that she had one leg through the railing and was going to get stuck i started pushing the nurse button. I can remember just standing there... It was like slow motion. I had never seen her like this.
The nurses weren't coming so I don't know what made me move except she was going to get up and she was pulling on the IV. I had all of the shit on that I was trying to get off. The gloves, mask, etc. I tried but didn't have time. I took off down the hall and told anyone who would listen that they better get in there or she was going to be on the floor.
When they got to the room I liked how they handled her. They asked her if she needed to go to the bathroom and she lied and said yes. lol. They did try to let her get up and it was the last time I saw grandma fight or try to do something. She tried so hard, layed back down, and said I just can't. She had given up. I kept telling the nurse to please check her heart rate etc. that I could see her chest rising and then It would stop. When she would breathe, you could see her chest rise then like bounce. The nurse told me that she could tell what it was by watching it.?? And that they were monitoring her from another room so they would know if she was going in cardiac arrest. Made me feel better. I guess. Also, pissed me off that she didn't check when I asked her to.
I left the next morning. She was still mad at me for not taking her home. The last night together and we didn't even talk. She was so sick. I tried to talk to her. Her favorite tv show was on. She just turned away.
The next morning I told her that I was going to go check on the neighbors house and cat. She probably thought I was lying. I knew that she was not there when she asked me if I had any ko's she called them. Tampons for short.?? What?? I told her no. She said well will you go get me some and then go look at the art, it beautiful. I told her I would. And do you know, I don't even remember kissing her goodbye, or telling her how much I really loved her. That makes me sick. Was I afraid of catching something? Did I do it? I cant remember.
I got home and couldn't find the neighbors damn cat. Finally found it. Then their pond had stopped working so I called a guy about it. Went and got my little one. Came into my house, sat on my bed, and called the hospital. This was the absolute worst minute of my life....
Asked to speak to Grandmas nurse to see how she was. A nurse got on the phone and I told her who I was. She said, "Um yes we have been trying to get ahold of her son, she has been in cardiac arrest for two minutes and they are working on her" my heart was beating through my chest, my body was going numb, pictures of grandma laying there getting cpr were going through my head. I told the nurse that she had a dnr and she said that she didn't have that down. I just hung up.
Called my friend to come get my daughter, pretty much threw her in my neighbors house, called mom and my uncle while driving to grandmas house. My aunt was there, flew into the house and I was screaming but don't know what I was saying, ran to grandmas neighbors and they came to watch my aunts kids. It didn't take me long to get there, but too long.
I pulled up to the hopital, took off running and went to the wrong door. I had just had the clots not long before then so I guess I wasn't looking good. Ran to the other door and saw my mom and dad. They were just standing there! Why wasn't anyone in there with grandma? They told me that she was on life support and they were waiting for the doctors to get done so that we could see her. I fell to my knees, started crying like I have never cried before. It came from my gutt and I couldn't stop. My mom put her oxygen on me.
When we went in she wasn't in her room. She was in the emergency room?? OH MY GOD .... She was laying there with this hose in her mouth, which would have scared her to death. She hated anything over her face. The pounding of my heart kept getting louder, I could hear it in my ears. I was looking around at people and wondering why everything was going so slow, somber.
Her body was going into seizures every minute or so.. Absolutely the worst thing ive ever seen. If she would have just been laying there. But her body would jump and shake. It looked painful, but I wasn't sure that she was even with us. I still don't know. Could she hear us? Feel us? What was she thinking? Was she in pain? I still wonder these things.
I asked my mom why she was on life support. Can she come back to us? But, it was for a whole other reason. Grandma had put a part in her living will I guess you call it that she would be on life support for three days.
I was confused: How could you just let someone lay there in seizures for three days. Then your also thinking shes there, your able to touch her, very selfish thoughts but I was thinking them. I couldn't stand it, everone said their goodbyes. I sat and held her hand. Studied her face somemore, then whispered in her ear as I was rubbing my hand through her soft gray hair. I told her " Who am I going to talk to now?" Then I found myself trying real hard not to be selfish. "Go ahead grandma, go to your baby, I will see you soon." "I know your tired, I love you, and your my best friend." "Go ahead grandma, everyone will take care of eachother" "Just let go, this is too much for you" "I love you, and I will miss you so much. Thank God I had you in my life" "Goodbye Grandma."
And I was shattered, my heart was empty.
The crying was uncontrollable.
The kids all had to sign some paper saying that if she had another heart attack that the doctors could just let her go. I couldn't go back. And I have a horrible guilt for that. Very selfish.
I truely believe that she waited for everyone to come say bye. The phone rang two days later, she was gone. Relief? Yes. The waiting... wondering... watching her seizing in my dreams. It was over.

My grandma used to call my daughter, sugar baby. And my daughter called my grandma "Grandma honey". When I told my daughter she said that she knew I was just joking and lets go see grandma honey. It took two days for her to believe me. Heart breaking. The start of seperation anxiety... what a nightmare.
Ok so thats all I'm going to right about my grandma and her death. I thought I would feel better after writing it. Maybe I do, as the tears are running down my face. I'm going to do my best to remember all of the good times and to remember that she is happy, not sick, and that I will see her soon.
I took my daughter to the beach a few weeks later. It had been planned for a long time and grandma didn't want us to go. But in the last few months she told me that she wanted me to go and that she never wanted her sugar baby to be sad. So we went, sat on the beach, and then went and looked at some art, and it was beautiful!

1st night with grandma: Holding on

Driving there with a thousand thoughts going through my mind. What to say? How to act? Like she wouldn't know if I was acting funny. We still really didn't know what was wrong with her but I didn't want her to be alone. She was always the person that thought about everyone else. It surprisied me when she told me that I had to sleep in the chair right next to her. Which was fine, I told her I would. But she would never have done that. She knows with my back and rod in my spine that it was impossible. Thats the thing though. When you get soo sick you don't care and she had been through that with me so it was my turn. She talked different. Very negative and kinda mean. I had never seen her like this but I just went with it.
She had felt for the last year that she couldnt remember things good, was forgetting names, it really bothered her. They had said that she was in the early stages of something. I cant remember the name. It wasnt alzheimers, but something like that. It really bothered her. The time she was in before they were giving her these "tests" she called them. And would start crying and get so anxious because she either thought she didn't do good or couldn't remember the questions. What the hell! I know its probably procedure but when its one of yours its different.
I didn't eat, i was so sick to my stomach. I would see her get a little better, then worse, she sounded like she was having conjestive heart failure. Aweful sound coming from her lungs or chest when she would breathe.
This night was kinda a blur. I remember thinking how much I loved her, but yet how horrible she must be feeling. I felt sorry for her. And had the gall to feel sorry for myself because I might lose her. I was good with her, but inside was very selfish and would have done about anything to keep her in my life.
I asked her "What would I do without you?" She said "Oh you'll be fine" Almost like she was trying to piss me off. Like she was trying to push me away. I sat there and studied every feature on her hands, which I loved. I studied every feature of her face. Her perfect eyebrows, lips, nose, everything. She was just one of those older ladies that was beautiful. Maybe even prettier as she aged. I always told her "Your so pretty grandma" she would just say shoot hunny now quit. lol.
You know the sad thing that I can't get over. No matter how hard I studied her features, so that I would never forget her, I am. Of course I will never forget her but the memories of her face, smile, giggle, are starting to fade and that makes me sick. Maybe thats the way it supposed to be? So that you move on. And another thing that bothers me is that you think that you can't ever live without someone who is so special, but you do. And I have went through a guilty phase for that. Its almost like if you start to forget about them, then that is saying that they weren't that important to you, and thats sad to me.
I told her that I was watching my neighbors house and cat and had to run home and check on it and feed the cat. She really didn't want me too. But I reassured her that I would be right back. I told her that I had to check on my little one, which I knew she would want me to do and maybe that would hold her off for a while.  I don't remember driving home, I don't remember anything. Just driving back and in a hurry. Almost like I knew something was going to happen.