Back to the simple things in life: "Its raining Leaves!"

Seems like its either the the little kids who don't know a whole lot or the older people who know oh so much that are the ones who can make you stop and think... We go through life everyday worrying about things that are not in our control, we simply can't do anything about, or we want to change things to our satisfaction. I am guilty of this and need to work on it.

When something is really bothering me in my life I usually turn to my dad. He is 64, calm, realistic, I have only seen him mad a few times and that is scary. Sometimes its the quiet ones you have to watch. lol. His answers always seem to be the same but yet I still want to hear them. Although sometimes it pisses me off, I know that he is right. He always tells me to be realistic about things, not to go on and on about it. "It is what it is" oh my God do you know how many times I have heard that. It seems that I listen to him for the day but need it repeated several times a week. I am getting better as I get older. Almost too damn calm. The things that used to drive me crazy ten years ago aren't even on my mind now. And the things that I never thought about ten years ago, I worry about. Its a frustrating, never ending circle.

My husband is another person that puts things into perspective for me. Although I dont think he worries enough about family, kids, etc. like I do. Maybe he worries and just doesn't say anything and maybe he really doesn't give a shit. lol. I can tell him something that is bothering me and he says. So? pisses me off.  He says "I dont even know why you let shit like that bother you," and "There is no reason to take an ass chewing over the phone."  He is a good person but doesn't give a shit what people think about him and I need that when I'm in my worry about everything that I can't do shit about mode. I will tell him that I have to do this and that and I don't know how I'm going to get it all done. He says, "You dont have to" and thats it.

Then there are kids. If we could all just look through a three year olds' eyes a few times a day. Listen to the different sounds. Enjoy the little pebbles on our walks that they pick up and save. Notice the colors, smells, and small things in life.

I was stressedddddd out the other day. Had a house full of twenty something year olds. Toddlers, family. Needed to pack and started my damn lists. My daughter comes in and says some guy wants to talk to you outside about your trees. I'm thinking son of a b. what else. So I go out there and he asks me if I like my elm tree because its not looking too good and some of the branches were getting ready to touch the power line so they were going up the road and cutting them away from the lines. My response. Yes. I love my tree. He was probably in his twenties, nice kid and I have all this stuff to do but didn't want to seem rude. He talks about all the trees I have etc. As I'm walking back in I took a deep breath outside, looked around and seemed to feel less stressed. I'm walking in a I have girls saying "He could cut me trees anytime" oh god I felt old at that point. 

Then my day was made... My neice was standing out on the front porch. It is screened and she could only see eye level, or thats the only place she was looking. I sit down in the chair about ready to explode and she says. "Well this isn't supposed to happen" she is two but can talk really well. Her eyes were huge and she was looking outside. I asked her what wasn't supposed to happen? She said "It's raining trees!" I had to smile. Knelt down to take a look at what her little world was like right then. Sure enough all she could see was the branches falling fromt he trees. Five minutes later it was "Raining Gold Leaves" I took a peak at her view again. It was beautiful. Big, Beautiful, Golden leaves falling from the sky. My heart felt better, anxiety was fading. I thought F it, I don't care what I have to do. I shut the door and lifted her up to the couch. We watching it rain leaves and trees for about twenty minutes. It was beautiful! We talked about the pretty roads and how they looked like golden paths. A two year old, almost three brought me back to what I need to do in life. Enjoy the little things, and always watch it rain leaves...

I called all of the other kids out. The twenty something year olds. Made them kneel down and watch it rain leaves. I'm sure they think I'm nuts. I told them enjoy it, you know it doesnt rain leaves very often. The two year old said "Yea, cause its not supposed to happen."

Swine flu? Flu? Whats the difference?

Yep gave all of us bad luck by saying we were going to be in hotel sick this weekend. Damn. I don't know what the difference between the swine flu and the flu is.??? Do you? We were walking through the aquarium and I swear to God it hit me so hard I was sitting places that people were walking over me. I was weak, my back felt like it was going to litterally break in half. I don't know if thats because when you get sick it settles in the part of your body that your the weakest or has had surgery or what? I couldn't make it thank God I had my 23 year old with me. I went into the car and turned the heater on as high as it could go. Shaking, hot to the touch but no fever at first. I was looking on the tom tom to see where the nearest hospital was then decided against that. I was thinking shit what if I were to get admitted what would my kids do? We were like three hours from home. I also got the flu shot! So I dont damn know. My daughter drove us to the hotel and thank God I decided to spend money for my little ones bday and stay there because there was valet parking, got into the hotel room and litterally could not move. I swear if I would have had to get my own medicine I couldn't have. The cough is horrible. It starts out just a little cough and within two hours your coughing so much that your chest feels like it is going to explode. I was sucking on my daughter inebulizer for her asthma just to breathe. My daughter took the girls to the pool and I knew I was going to toss it but couldn't get out of bed to do it. Finally damn near crawled to the bathroom and just got the trash can. Got back in bed and well to put it lightly damn near puked my brains out. My nose starts bleeding and I've never had a bloody nose, well maybe once. I was trying to wear a mask so that I didn't get my grandbaby and daughter sick, it was actually a lifesaver for me, I don't know if its because I was breathing in warm air which helped me not to cough as much or what. I remember the last time I got the flu and this was definetely the flu but I have to idea what kind?? Alka Seltzer and tylenol were the two meds that helped the most I'm still taking tylenol because if I don't I can feel the chills coming on. I don't know what meds my daughter gave me forsure but I finally got to sleep. The fever broke that night and I felt pretty good the next morning so I went to the Gymnastics meet. By the time it was over we were all sicker than hell. And there were people right by us telling us that their kids all had the swine flu. uuugggghhhh.
The baby started coughing and I felt so bad. Its terrible how grown-ups can tell you they are sick and poor little babies cant. My daughter called the hospital. She was about to have a nervous breakdown and was scared to death. They told her not to take the baby to a doctors office or a hospital!!!!! Give her tylenol. She feels ok tonight. I wonder how long this lasts? Let me know if youv'e had it please. Cause my little one started getting sick on thursday night and still gets the chills after the tylenol wears off. I need to have her go to the doctor I guess but they dont' want to see her unless she has a high fever??? I'm confused.

Quick tips for moms: How to get your kids to clean up their messes!!!!!!

TIMES UP!!!!

I actually have learned a few things that might help others as far as kids go. Actually I would say that the only thing I'm really good at is raising my kids. I have tried alot of things to get help picking the house up; this is the one that worked everytime.

I think the best way to get them to help you pick up the house is;

You set the timer or kitchen timer, I even do this with my nine year old. Just set it for two or three minutes. Maybe even one minute for the real little ones. Caution: This does not work if they are still crawling or if they are over the age of 17! lol.

So anyway tell them that you are going to set the timer for two minutes, everyone starts in a different room (I found this will defuse any fighting over who made what mess). Its a game to them and I haven't seen a kid that won't to it. I even do it when I sub. Sorry keep interupting myself.

So everyone starts, tell them to pick their stuff up first and that they have to put it in the correct place or it doesnt count. Before you even start offer a prize, not for the winner, but for the family. It doesn't have to cost money. Just tell them If we get this done we can go to the park or whatever they like to do. It will make them want to play.

After the timer goes off dont freak out if its not all done: Switch rooms and you do your two minutes too! It will make them work harder.

So everyone goes in a circle to each room, you handle the cleaning sprays etc. unless they are old enough. You will find that each of them like to do certain things or are really good at them. Like cleaning mirrors, my older ones sucked at it, my younger one is great at it.

They do as much as they can in the two or three minutes then stop and move on. If you figure two or three kids plus you at two or three minutes each, that is 8 to 12 minutes on every room! You will be amazed at how clean it is!

Once that timer goes off STOP: Dont tell them everything they did wrong, save that. Go have some family time and do what you said that you would. Kids aren't stupid, follow through and it will work.

One thing that you will run in to is that one kid will say "I picked up my stuff but the timer is still going" this is a perfect time for them to learn that its important to help others in life. I wouldn't make them pick up the older kids stuff, but first remind them that everything needs to be in place and that maybe they could help the younger ones or you with something. I used to have a little list of extras incase they were finished. Which doesn't happen alot. Like feed the dog, or animals.

This used to save my whole day. And to be honest I would usually do it an hour before their dad got home.lol. Or it just gets messed up again. Then it was clean the next morning.

It is also a good idea to have a little trash can in each room or bag and for the older ones the cleaning stuff they need, that way everyone isn't running up, down, and around taking as much time as possible to run the timer out. lol. Took me a while to learn that. lol.

I do this almost daily with my nine year old and myself. When my older ones are here they have to do it too. I dont make the baby though. lol. In their minds they are thinking what is two minutes?? nothing? but it adds up. You might also want to set the timer and just have them sit there to watch how fast it goes. It will seem so easy for them.

Hope this helps someone: It has made my life much easier.

still; quiet; just taking in every moment

I haven't been feeling too good and was resting this afternoon.  My son came home from the base and stopped by. I had my oxygen on... sucks... laying in bed and heard him coming in. I am having a hard time talking to him without crying so I kinda said hi and pretended that I had went back to sleep. He layed down by me with his camo on and big damn boots that I would normally have a fit about. They have been working long hours and you can tell that he is just exhausted. He was asleep within a minute or two and I was listening to him breathe. It was calm and then fast, then faster, he was jumping like he was dreaming. I tried to just ignore it and let him get a few minutes sleep.

I was cherishing this moment although hes alot bigger than I am now, hes still my little boy in a way. His face is like a childs when he is sleeping. The freckles, blonde hair, little ears, blonde eye brows and eyelashes. When you are just looking at his face its as if your laying next to your five year old again.

I think he knew I wasn't sleeping though when he woke up. He put his arm around me, gave me a kiss on the cheek, and said "I love you mom"

He stands up and hes tall now. Camo, boots, just keeps going. Hes a kind and good kid with a generous heart. And can go from that to pissed off real fast. Hes very protective of his family and his country. I'm almost glad that he can get an anger issue fast for the first time in my life. It may keep him alive.

He will be leaving for death valley in a couple of weeks. Back for five days for Christmas and Thanksgiving, then we won't see him for like a year an a half. He is leaving us at the age of 20, will be landing in Iraq, or wherever they tell him on his 21st birthday, and will spend I think fifteen months there. So with Gods help I will see him when he is 22 again.

He will not be at this base near us when he leaves which is sad but I think may help us all. I am really sure that if I had to tell him bye right before he went over I would just have a nervous breakdown.

We are best friends in so many ways, but so much alike that we can get on eachothers nerves after a few hours. I would die for him but yet he is the one that is willing to die for me and my freedom.

I am going to truely have to put this in Gods hands before I seriously have a nervous breakdown. And I will but I have to write about it at  night or I just think, think, think. I know that I need to stay positive like he is. I havent said anything negative to him for a long time and I'm so proud of what a man hes become. I'm just going to miss him so much. He is the jokester in our family, he could make anyone laugh. Im going to miss that. He is the exact person or son that I wanted to raise.

You know how when your kids are little and you say I hope they turn out to be this, this, this, and this. Well he is everything I hoped he would be and more.

Friend shot; Son being deployed; Need help and advice

Guess I will try to write two blogs tonight. I had made up my mind that I was going to be positive for a change. But shit happens and I'm not so positive tonight. We got word that one of our friends' son got shot, he is in the marines and my heart just hit the floor. Hes a really nice kid. Shot right in the chest. He did live through it but the anxiety is getting out of control knowing that my son is heading over in a few months. You know I don't know how parents deal with this. And I know its the soldiers that are putting their lives in danger for us, but the heart ache, anxiety, fear, numbness, for the parents is almost too much. I have made it through this year without him being shipped. We just found out that he will actually land there on his 21st birthday. Some birthday huh. I'm scared for him and I'm becoming a wimp. I'm very proud of all of our soldiers but am litteraly sick to my stomach.  If you know of people, parents, who are going through this please have them write me on my blog it would be much appreciated and I need to talk to someone about this who knows what its like.  I'm not sure that anyone can be prepared for what might happen, I'm trying to stay strong for my son and other kids. But I'm starting to break. The "What ifs" start. My son and I had a conversation, well a forced one, by me. He said that its just the way it is. Hes ready. He loves his job. On and on. To tell you the truth I'm not sure I was even listening to him. I was watching him and flashbacks of when he was little just role through my mind, and now he is going to war. He is very confident in how they have prepared him for combat, and to be honest when I hear him talk it really does seem like they really prepare these guys. As he was talking and my mind was rolling I was just staring at him, he is still so young. Does or is he going to be prepared to shoot someone.? He says yes. He just kept looking younger to me, maybe immature, but yet when hes in uniform or at the base, hes a different person. Very confident, strong, and proud.  I am the kind of person that feels alot better if I know about things, so I need some help from you. How will I be able to talk to him when hes over there? Do you send letters? How often do you hear from them? Anythng that you can tell me. He has to go back to death valley, again, in california for another month before being shipped out, he will get thankgiving and Christmas with us and then be gone until he deploys. I suck at goodbys and may have a nervous breakdown so it might be better for him to leave from another location. I have to keep this to myself so he isn't worrying about me worrying while hes there. I need to be strong for him, but am so sad, scared, anxious, and litteraly feel like I'm going to have a nervous breakdown. He is my only son, has a huge heart and would do anything to help someone. Hes my hero, and I would die if I lost him.

Seperation anxiety in children

The pure fear they have inside is heart breaking. She would not leave my side. And I really mean that. I could feel her eyes going through the back of my head when I would walk out of the room. I'm sure she thought I was going to die. At first you just tell them to stop it, but it becomes bad fast. You could have told her whatever you wanted to she was hell bent on not losing anyone else.

She would not go with anyone. I mean in a vehicle, to their house. Nothing. And you couldn't make her. I'm serious she would cause a scene and she wasn't just being a brat you could tell that her anxiety level was at a peak. Her face would turn red. I recently asked her if she still remembers the feeling and she said yes. She said "It was like being on a roller coaster all day long with your tummy" God, and I caused allot of this by being so sick.

I didn't know what to do and was very defensive over it. The fear that they feel is real and I felt so powerless. I spent everyday in her classroom or she wouldn't go to school. Doctors orders. she was put on medication which I hated but it got so out of control. I started substituting and she would leave class and come find me just to make sure I was there.

You have to realize this was so unlike her, she never wanted to be in trouble with the teacher, but this anxiety took her over. She was fragile, delicate and I didn't know how else to help her.

She had trouble that year in school and had "mean girls" which her mind could not handle. I knew how it felt but yet didn't know how to help my baby.

The constant question; They repeat things over and over. But hundreds of times a day. "Mom, will you be here?" I would say "Yes, of course." She would repeat that about ten times when she would even go to gym, the bathroom, it didn't matter. She would take a few steps and it would start again. "Will you be here when I get back?" Same answer.  I tried to be so patient.

The thing that made me sick. I have always been here for my kids. Never missed a day with them. Why would she think I would leave her? Not die. Just leave her. I would never do that.

The mothers made a big stir about me being at the school when I volunteered. They thought I favored my kid. I've never been mean to any kid. They were mad when she got put into gifted and talented. And I didn't care that she got put in. I have been through raising two other kids. Although, it is good for her because she gets bored, which gives her too much time to think. I'm amazed at how petty parents are. The situation was explained and a doctors note accompanied about what she was going through, what she needed, her medication, what she had gone through and even how she was thinking and over-thinking everything. The teacher was great. I didn't just sit there I helped grade etc. And it was hard on me I was still recovering, but they didn't care. I have a real hard time with envious people. And they didn't even have anything to envy? What the hell?

I ended up having to move her to a different school. I could not let her go through it anymore. It wasn't even so much the kids. The moms. I just don't understand it. When people are going through hard times, I feel bad for them, try to help them, atleast understand them. They didn't care. I didn't give them the satisfaction of knowing why I moved her but she needed to heal. She needed time to get mentally well, healthy, and that is my job. Its my job to make sure she is in an environment to do that.

Now I know that people will think well kids have to go through stuff, it makes them stronger. blah blah blah. Not my kid and not when she is going through this. It is my job to protect her. So thats that.

I took her to my doctor and she was put on medication. It did help. She was on it for six months. Has been off of it for almost two years and is a different kid. I honest to God didn't think that she would ever get better. She did. And as my doctor told me "As you get better so will she" which really made me get my ass up and start pushing myself to do whatever I could. Then more the next day, more the next day. We are both better. Thank God. She doesn't have anymore to go, I still struggle but am so much better than I was.

My illnesses effected all of my kids and although I would like to jump off a cliff sometime, lol, well not really. My older daughter was fourteen and my son was 11 with the postpartum depression. They went through hell and I could see the worry in their faces. It was sad and I was dealing with so many illnesses at the time I couldnt even give them advice on how to handle it. My daughter was like a second mom to my little one which is why when she moved it was just another horrible thing in my babies eyes to deal with. My son had an anger issue, but probably has the biggest heart of all of us. He didn't know how to deal either. My husband just pretty much ran. Worked.

This illness is very serious in kids and its the saddest thing I've seen. There is no good way of handling it, just do your best. Be there no matter what. The doctor told me to let her take an album to school with all of our pictures. That made it worse but it may help some kids.

Probably the best thing that I did was to get her a pay as you go cell phone. It calmed her down allot, she had a connection and could get ahold of me at any time. You have to keep your word because if you don't you will be starting over. That comes from experience. If you tell them you will be outside a door, which we had to go over atleast twenty times in the morning, be there. Everytime. I promiss it will get easier. Realize that all they are thinking about all day is where you are what you are doing. My daughter is a couple years over her grade, some kids fall back. Don't feel like a bad parent if they do. You will just have to help them. They aren't thinking about the homework, their minds are scrambling about everything and its hard for them to concentrate.

I couldn't put her in any activities at first she just couldn't take it. But as she started getting better I did and it helped.

Absolutely do not let people tell them to "Just stop it" it doesn't work and it made her worse. It doesn't take much for them to get back to square one. Although i definetely would notify the school, teachers, anyone who could help her in a situation. They should be sympathetic and sincere about it. If they aren't going to be your going to have to take care of it.  Some wont be so find the ones who will, if not stick to your kid like glue. I have no idea what you will do if you are working cause I don't think I could have done it.

Family is important although they have to know what the kid has and what not to say around them. Make them realize that these kids worry about everything, even if its not kid stuff. For Gods sake I had to take the bible from my daughter because she was reading her own thoughts into it, thinking she was going to hell for everything. She has it back now. They just over-think everything.

 

You might want to only let them watch certain things on tv. They think everything is going to happen to them, even if it is just a fiction show. My doctor said not to let her watch anything but cartoons for a while. It worked.

I just asked her what helped her: She said the cell phone, and that she still gets nervous sometimes.

Teach them how to calm themselves down when you are at home with them and it is quiet. Its important and it will help them, although when they are really bad they don't care if they are breathing correctly and it also depends on their age. Its tough. I would walk outside. She wanted to know what side of the house I was going to be on. If I had moved to another side without thinking you could hear her screaming for me. How horrible it must be to be that afraid... So I would have to tell her ok I'm going to the back but might be in the front in a couple of minutes. We started doing breathing and thinking excercises. It was so hard for her. I would tell her what I was going to do so she would know. I told her when you feel the anxiety and fear coming you take a deep breathe and then think "she isn't going to leave me" where did she tell me I would be? breathe go to the other side of the house. She would find me. It took a long time.

She doesn't carry the cell phone anymore, they usually wont use it anyway its just a mental thing. And her teacher was a life saver cause she would let her call me when she was getting anxiety. It goes from nervous, to sick to their stomachs, to full fledged anxiety fast.

Get a support base of people who may not understand but would do whatever it takes for your child. Positive people, older people are great cause most of them are calm and reassuring, like grandparents.

My daughter had to know what was going on from the time she woke up until the time she went to bed, and I couldn't tell her "shit happens" or "what if this happens what do you do?" She would have freaked out. But I got it covered with people without her knowing.

I'm telling you if you are going through this with your child you probably feel like your going crazy. The questions over and over alone really try your patience. Its really hard and just understand how hard it is for them. They are so miserable, they are hurting and we know why but we don't know why. I could tell her I would never leave her she would say I know but what if something happens and your not there. Well then so and so would be here. Well what if they weren't her? It went on for hours and I'm not kidding. She meant it too she wasn't just screwing with me.

Your life becomes their life. You can lay up all night and try to figure out how to fix it or you can realize that this is going to take some time. Go day by day by day.

After a year she started getting a little better. After about a year and a half she was allot better and then I started another phase which I don't know if it was right or wrong but it seemed like this was the time to try to make her a little stronger. I started playing the "what if " game with her. When she would say are you sure that you will be at door number two at 3:14, by the tree. I would say yes. And I told her that we were going to play this game everyday. So I would say but "What if" (start real small) I was standing on the sidewalk instead of by the tree what would happen? Her face would turn red, you could just see that it was messing her up. I said, well what could you do? She wouldn't answer so I would give her something she could do. See they aren't thinking well enough to go that far. I said could you look around for just a couple of seconds and see me on the sidewalk? She said yes, but please don't do that. We played this game and I would slowly progress to "What if I wasn't there at 3:14, what could you do? She could go back inside to her teacher. etc.

Although I played this with her I never did it for almost two years or she would have seriously had a meltdown. she had several when I was thirty seconds late.

It took two years for me to start pulling away a bit. By then her sister and brother moved back to our state which helped allot although it took her a while to even go with them.  It sounds crazy to people who aren't going through it but I litterally took one step back from the school door at a time. One step. Eventually, I was almost to the end of the playground. And thank God I have not been in the hospital since.

Today, I take her to school, she rides the bus home!, I don't go to the school and volunteer, I work at a different school and she will ride the bus there! She will go with her sister and brother! She has stayed the night, well threes nights. lol. at a friends house! She goes to our old house with her dad when he is working on it for the people who bought it! Goes to band and gymnastics, still wants us to be there. Stays at my mom and dads. I'm just so happy for her. She is so much better.

To all of you who are going through this I just don't know what to say. It may not take as long. She was really bad. Hang in there and if you need someone to talk to you know just blog me cause I'm sure there are things that I have forgotten to mention. Be patient, dont let people tell you how to do your job, its not their kid or their hell that you are going through. And last but not least, they get better. I never thought she would but I can't believe how far she has come. God Bless You All.

Helping children deal with death, anxiety,seperation

Well if you have read my blog you know that I suck when It comes to dealing with death. But when your a parent you have to dig deep within and take care of your children. They are hurting probably in a different way and who know what they are thinking or the questions that they have.

Now allot of people told me to take my little one to a counselor. She had severe seperation anxiety, which I hadn't really heard of or ever dealt with. This had to be the hardest thing to watch ever. At first you think that if you just tell them you are not going to leave them, try to explain about death, heaven, they will be alright, but this was something that was not going away. My little one got worse.

God knows that she had reason. I was trying to live for my kids and damaging the hell out of them at the same time especially the young one. I did everything possible to reasure her that all was good, mommie was good, everything was going to be ok. It didn't work and was a couple years of heart breaking agony watching her go through this. She had watched me almost die a couple of times and kids aren't stupid. They listen. They hear. They know.
You can try to keep it from them, hide the horrible stuff, but they are smart and know whats going on.

She had moved to my parents with me, watched all of my illnesses, her big sister moved, her brother moved, her dad was living at our old house, her grandma honey had just died, we moved to a new place, and she started a new school. Just to mention the big things. I have so much guilt over this. Although you try so hard to protect the kids, they are suffering so much. She acted so strong and I think that finally she just broke.

Before I talk about  the seperation anxiety I just want to put down a couple of things that may help someone whos child is going through the loss of someone.

1.  We live really close to my grandmas old house and pass it everyday. She would cry horrible. At this time she was about 6.  She didn't want anyone else living in grandmas house and was angry. I let her write a letter to the owners of the house after talking to them about it. She wrote a long letter and asked them to please take care of her grandma honey's house. She went into specifics, which I think was good therapy for her. How to water the grass, what grandma liked and how she wanted someone to live there who loved the house. She basically asked them to take care of the house. I took her to the mailbox and let her put it in. Which I know your not supposed to do but they were watching. She smiled. Even if you can't put it in the mailbox you can pretend to mail it.

2. This worked good!   I take her to get balloons, which her and grandma had talked about. As many as she wants. She writes notes on them and we set them free. She watches very carefully. They go up so far and then you cant see them anymore. She says, "Grandma got it". And is calm again.

3.  I was really scared to do this but, when the people got all moved into grandmas they invited us in. I was scared and didn't think I could be strong enough for her. We had damn near lived there for years. But I had to do it. They took us to each room and let her look around. She told them stories about each room. Its weird there wasn't any grandma left there which is the way it is supposed to be I guess. It looked beautiful, grandma would have loved it. I realize that you cant do this with all losses but it helped actually both of us.

4. Eventually, I just had to go all out and try to explain everything to her. She doesn't let things go. I told her my beliefs. That grandma was so happy now. She was playing with her little boy and had so much family in heaven. Went into the pain. etc. At this stage I was still shattered, my gutt would hurt as im consoling her. I did belive what I was saying, but I was still pissed that she left me. Very selfish. I'm told thats a phase you go through I dont know.

5. I let her write letters to heaven for grandma and mailed them, or let her mail them.

6. And after three years of the hell of seperation anxiety she has a full schedule, gymnastics, gate, band, school. Dont give them too much time to think. I had to keep her busy. Although I felt like crawling in bed and crying. Just wanted to sleep. I had to keep her moving, which actually was a big help to me also. I didn't like it though. lol.

7. She made a photo album of her and grandma

8. I let her hang pictures of her. She put one right by where she sleeps. I wasn't sure if that was a good idea. But if they request it then why not. She still looks at it everymorning and is concerned that she is forgettting grandma.  So I encourage her to write down things that she remembers about her, anything. She has quite a collection.

9. She still sleeps with the blanket that grandma always used. Thats ok to me. So what. It was actually her blanket and grandma liked it so she let her use it. Now I will admit when grandma first died she wanted to wear one of her big nightgowns and I let her. She wore her nightgown to sleep for about a week and the phase was over. She said that it smells like grandma and "thats all I need"

10. Let them talk, talk, talk, if they will. I didn't know most answers. When I didn't know how to answer I just told her that. It will drive you a little crazy. Our minds are trying to process all of this shit and questions are coming left and right. She was bad with this, I mean all day everyday. So what I did was tell her ok, we are going to talk about anything on your mind, grandma, memories, whatever you want, but only at 6:00 at night. The rest of the day we are going to try real hard to be happy and look for things to be happy about. I was very surprised to hear her agree to that. It worked, everynight we would talk about the same stuff until I thought I was going to go crazy. Everntually the conversation got shorter. Then they stopped. She had either talked it out or found anotherway to cope that was working



I am sure I will think of more but thats a start. She has allot of faith in God and I don't even have to push her. Prayers really helped her, she would say them and then say now what do I say? I told her you say whatever you want to, so she will go on for fifteen minutes. She  tells God to say hi to grandma and did she get her balloons, on and on. Seems to really help her and actually I enjoy listening to her.

I never thought she would get better or get rid of the anxiety and sepreation anxiety, but she has. Thank God. Shes doing great. It took a long time. So much patience. But we did it.!!!!

Quick tips for depression

This is a hard one. If I wouldn't have had family I would have been screwed.
Now I still have depression and manage it, I function. Which is what most people have. But if you have depression to the point of not wanting to live you need to see a doctor.

I know allot of people who refuse to take medication. I personally won't go off of it again. I wish that I was one of the people who could get on it for a year or six months and feel normal again, but I'm not. I have tried going off my medication many times and will try no more. Apparently my brain needs it. I kinda have a rule that will sound stupid. But when you take medication like for anxiety, some people I guess pay big bucks for that stuff for the feeling. I can't tell that I take it so that is how I know that my body needs it. Make sense? Probably not.

There are people who use other things instead of taking pills. I know people who wont take them because you cant drink with them. They would rather drink. Thats their business. For me I take medication.

I was one of those people who had a hard time taking care of myself, yet nobody knew cause I was damn good at hiding it for a long time. I loved to sleep and to be honest when I'm stressed thats what I do sometimes. But I also walk allot now. I swim, ride my bike. This would have been unheard of years ago. And its not that I didn't want to, I just couldn't get the .... I don't know what you call it. My body hurt, my brain hurt. lol. Some people called me lazy. I think that when a person lays in bed for months and doesnt leave the house for months, its not because they want to something is wrong with them.

Just to brag for one sec. lol. My daughter and I were talking yesterday. The older daughter. I told her that I had to get out of the damn house, couldn't stand it anymore. I can't stay indoors all day now. This is the time I've been waiting for. I love to do things, and if I would have known that a walk or swim took this much stress away, I would hope that I would have done it years ago.\
Although when your depressed a walk, shower, anything is a huge effort.

When I first started walking I could only make it a couple of blocks because of my blood clots and my lungs. I went out everyday for two years and went just a little bit more each day. I'm up to two miles a day now! Its been a long road but well worth it. I love to look at the trees, animals, I even look at the rocks. lol. I try to enjoy every piece of that hour I'm walking.

So I guess what I'm saying is that I was about as low as you can get and you can get better. I'm not going to tell you that I feel great everyday. I'm in constant pain, and I truely still struggle with anxiety and depression. But I get my ass up and by God take that walk everyday.
And I stopped when my grandbaby was born and my husband moved down here. It sucked. My stress level went through the roof. So, I started again. I dont care if the roof is falling in I have to take care of myself at this point in my life.

I taught myself to swim last year and found that it is the only thing that doesnt make me sore or hurt my back. Great excercise for those of you with back problems, and has helped anxiety and depression. The hardest part is taking the time for yourself to do it.

When you are so far down that you cant do anything my advice to you would be to take one day at a time. If thats too hard take a half hour at a time. Dont lay in bed awake worrying about things at night. Go ahead and get up. Watch tv or read a book.

My schedule took years to get back. I guess thats ok cause it took years to get so bad. I was and pretty much still am a night owl. I think its the peace and quiet. lol.  I had to go from staying up all day and night. Then I would stay up all night and sleep all day. And after a long time I make myself go to sleep, although its usually late, and I make myself stay up during the day.
Now dont think that I just go to sleep, I'm far from that and don't understand how people just go to sleep, although I know I did for the first twenty years. I have to take medication for sleep also. Another crutch.
But if I dont look at the clock when I go to sleep my anxiety level is so much better, I'm not so tired in the morning. Another mind trick to me. If I look at the clock then I sit there and count how many hours of sleep I'm going to get, figure that is not enough for me, and I swear I'm tired in the morning.

I cant tell you how important sleep is to me with my depression. If I don't get sleep I get worse. Sleep is a must and although I say I make myself stay up all day. I will take a nap if i dont feel right. I have to have sleep. And if your not sleeping, you know. I did take stuff like Tylenol pm for years, it worked for sleep. Although some people feel tired the next morning, I did anyway. But eventually my doctor put on medication to sleep. I went through allot of different pills, nothing seemed to work. I now take a muscle relaxer and sleep great. It takes my spasms from my back away and I sleep well most of the time.

Weather has a big effect on me. I need sunshine. Which is actually a fact. The sun gives you a certain vitamin I think it is that is very important. Check into it but I'm pretty sure that you are supposed to get sun between the hours of 10 and 12 am. When it get cold and gloomy so do I. This really isn't in my head although I feel like it is sometimes. I really feel like shit when it is cold. I dont like winter at all and if I was rich I would have a place with palm trees and and ocean for the winters. Yea that would be great! I will tell you that although I know its bad for your skin, I will go to a tanning bed usually in the winter. It makes me feel better, I dont know if its the fake light, the heat, but it does the job.

Little things make people happy if they take the time to do them. I do things that I never used to but have found that it helps. Take my 2 year old nephew for a walk, they find the good in everything. Garden. Play with my dog, God I would have never done that before. Go somewhere with my kids, just little things that take up your day. Try to enjoy them. Make yourself, it takes practice. I have always enjoyed doing things with my kids though, but I take allot more time now to do it. I used to clean, clean, clean. Cook, cook cook, yea thats pretty much over. lol.

Find someone who relates to you and doesnt act like your crazy to talk to when your having a rough time.
Laugh, laugh, laugh. Or cry whatever you feel like.

I think that I live like I think others want me to still. I'm working on it.

For me: Faith in God has helped me more than anything. When nobody else is there for you, he always is.

Another thing that I don't know if other people go through so that bothers me is when I get sick. As in a cold or flu. My depression shoots sky high. It pisses me off. So remember if this happens to you and your getting sick thats why your feeling like your depression is worse. My dad always has to remind me of that.

If you are really depressed right now then your not going to be swimming etc. but talk to yourself. Sounds stupid but it will help after a while. Tell yourself, tomorrows a new day and will be better. The medication takes time. Although, they tell you that you won't feel a difference for like two months. I disagree with that, but thats just me. I could tell in a couple of weeks if it was working or not. Maybe not the full effect but you can feel your head getting a little bit clearer
Last thing I will put down for now is if you are going to have friends during this time, which I hope you have a couple to help you, they have to be positive with you. Hand around people that dont sit there and tell you what your doing wrong, do what your doctor says. Unless they have been through it, I might listen to them. Maybe they were able to find something that might help you.  God bless All of you

The last time I saw her;

I hurried back to the hospital, they were getting ready to move her to another room. When I walked in she said "Get me out of this bed and lets go home." I said, "Well grandma, I was going to go to the cafeteria and get some fruit for us to eat" I swear to God I was in shock. She said "Oh, you act so busy when you come here! We can get fruit at any corner store on the way home!" I knew I was going to have a hard time. I called my mom and told her that I had never seen Grandma like this. She was a completely different person. I was probably the right person to be there though because I know how pain effects you and I could certainly turn on people when I was going through things.
She wanted to go home and to be honest I was wishing that we would have never taken her to the hospital. It sounds bad, but it wasn't doing any good, she was getting worse. I couldn't have lived with myself if we wouldn't have taken her to the hospital though. So there she was.
She would always make us do her hair, nails, feet, just make sure that "If something happened to her she would be clean." She would say that she needed clean clothes just incase. I would always tease her and tell her that the first thing she was going to do is shit her pants so it wouldn't matter. A good way to make her smile.
Grey shiny hair, she was so full of fluid, and moaning. Horrible pain, uncomfortable, just plain miserable. I would go out of the room or into her bathroom wanting to throwup. She didn't even care how she looked.
She woke up and told me that the color of the walls was awful. So unlike Grandma. She didn't like the picture hanging on the wall. And now I had to put a mask and little cover over my body everytime I was around her or went out of the room.?????
They had warned all of us that she was contagious which in hindsight probabaly made her feel worse. We had so many babies in the family and everyone was being consious. She probably felt like she wasn't important cause everyone wasn't coming to see her.
So that night she told me that she wanted to go home and to help her out of the bed. I lied to her and told her that my husband was coming down to get the locks off of the bed because there were locks on the rails so that she wouldn't fall out. She got mad at me. Grandma had never talked to me like that. I was in shock. She said, "Well then I will just get out by myself. Out of all of the people, you won't even help me!" I told her that he was on his way but I knew that she was too weak to get out of bed. She had been laying there for too long. But she was hell bent on trying. It was sad. She grabbed the railings and started pulling herself to one side. She kept telling me to help her. I thought I would use the excuse of my back and I told her I couldn't with my back. She just hated me right then. I feel bad for something that I said to her. I said " You will just have to do it yourself cause I don't want you to fall and get hurt." I should have just taken ahold of her and acted like I was trying to help her get up! She might have went for that, but she was so mad at me. Once I saw that she had one leg through the railing and was going to get stuck i started pushing the nurse button. I can remember just standing there... It was like slow motion. I had never seen her like this.
The nurses weren't coming so I don't know what made me move except she was going to get up and she was pulling on the IV. I had all of the shit on that I was trying to get off. The gloves, mask, etc. I tried but didn't have time. I took off down the hall and told anyone who would listen that they better get in there or she was going to be on the floor.
When they got to the room I liked how they handled her. They asked her if she needed to go to the bathroom and she lied and said yes. lol. They did try to let her get up and it was the last time I saw grandma fight or try to do something. She tried so hard, layed back down, and said I just can't. She had given up. I kept telling the nurse to please check her heart rate etc. that I could see her chest rising and then It would stop. When she would breathe, you could see her chest rise then like bounce. The nurse told me that she could tell what it was by watching it.?? And that they were monitoring her from another room so they would know if she was going in cardiac arrest. Made me feel better. I guess. Also, pissed me off that she didn't check when I asked her to.
I left the next morning. She was still mad at me for not taking her home. The last night together and we didn't even talk. She was so sick. I tried to talk to her. Her favorite tv show was on. She just turned away.
The next morning I told her that I was going to go check on the neighbors house and cat. She probably thought I was lying. I knew that she was not there when she asked me if I had any ko's she called them. Tampons for short.?? What?? I told her no. She said well will you go get me some and then go look at the art, it beautiful. I told her I would. And do you know, I don't even remember kissing her goodbye, or telling her how much I really loved her. That makes me sick. Was I afraid of catching something? Did I do it? I cant remember.
I got home and couldn't find the neighbors damn cat. Finally found it. Then their pond had stopped working so I called a guy about it. Went and got my little one. Came into my house, sat on my bed, and called the hospital. This was the absolute worst minute of my life....
Asked to speak to Grandmas nurse to see how she was. A nurse got on the phone and I told her who I was. She said, "Um yes we have been trying to get ahold of her son, she has been in cardiac arrest for two minutes and they are working on her" my heart was beating through my chest, my body was going numb, pictures of grandma laying there getting cpr were going through my head. I told the nurse that she had a dnr and she said that she didn't have that down. I just hung up.
Called my friend to come get my daughter, pretty much threw her in my neighbors house, called mom and my uncle while driving to grandmas house. My aunt was there, flew into the house and I was screaming but don't know what I was saying, ran to grandmas neighbors and they came to watch my aunts kids. It didn't take me long to get there, but too long.
I pulled up to the hopital, took off running and went to the wrong door. I had just had the clots not long before then so I guess I wasn't looking good. Ran to the other door and saw my mom and dad. They were just standing there! Why wasn't anyone in there with grandma? They told me that she was on life support and they were waiting for the doctors to get done so that we could see her. I fell to my knees, started crying like I have never cried before. It came from my gutt and I couldn't stop. My mom put her oxygen on me.
When we went in she wasn't in her room. She was in the emergency room?? OH MY GOD .... She was laying there with this hose in her mouth, which would have scared her to death. She hated anything over her face. The pounding of my heart kept getting louder, I could hear it in my ears. I was looking around at people and wondering why everything was going so slow, somber.
Her body was going into seizures every minute or so.. Absolutely the worst thing ive ever seen. If she would have just been laying there. But her body would jump and shake. It looked painful, but I wasn't sure that she was even with us. I still don't know. Could she hear us? Feel us? What was she thinking? Was she in pain? I still wonder these things.
I asked my mom why she was on life support. Can she come back to us? But, it was for a whole other reason. Grandma had put a part in her living will I guess you call it that she would be on life support for three days.
I was confused: How could you just let someone lay there in seizures for three days. Then your also thinking shes there, your able to touch her, very selfish thoughts but I was thinking them. I couldn't stand it, everone said their goodbyes. I sat and held her hand. Studied her face somemore, then whispered in her ear as I was rubbing my hand through her soft gray hair. I told her " Who am I going to talk to now?" Then I found myself trying real hard not to be selfish. "Go ahead grandma, go to your baby, I will see you soon." "I know your tired, I love you, and your my best friend." "Go ahead grandma, everyone will take care of eachother" "Just let go, this is too much for you" "I love you, and I will miss you so much. Thank God I had you in my life" "Goodbye Grandma."
And I was shattered, my heart was empty.
The crying was uncontrollable.
The kids all had to sign some paper saying that if she had another heart attack that the doctors could just let her go. I couldn't go back. And I have a horrible guilt for that. Very selfish.
I truely believe that she waited for everyone to come say bye. The phone rang two days later, she was gone. Relief? Yes. The waiting... wondering... watching her seizing in my dreams. It was over.

My grandma used to call my daughter, sugar baby. And my daughter called my grandma "Grandma honey". When I told my daughter she said that she knew I was just joking and lets go see grandma honey. It took two days for her to believe me. Heart breaking. The start of seperation anxiety... what a nightmare.
Ok so thats all I'm going to right about my grandma and her death. I thought I would feel better after writing it. Maybe I do, as the tears are running down my face. I'm going to do my best to remember all of the good times and to remember that she is happy, not sick, and that I will see her soon.
I took my daughter to the beach a few weeks later. It had been planned for a long time and grandma didn't want us to go. But in the last few months she told me that she wanted me to go and that she never wanted her sugar baby to be sad. So we went, sat on the beach, and then went and looked at some art, and it was beautiful!

1st night with grandma: Holding on

Driving there with a thousand thoughts going through my mind. What to say? How to act? Like she wouldn't know if I was acting funny. We still really didn't know what was wrong with her but I didn't want her to be alone. She was always the person that thought about everyone else. It surprisied me when she told me that I had to sleep in the chair right next to her. Which was fine, I told her I would. But she would never have done that. She knows with my back and rod in my spine that it was impossible. Thats the thing though. When you get soo sick you don't care and she had been through that with me so it was my turn. She talked different. Very negative and kinda mean. I had never seen her like this but I just went with it.
She had felt for the last year that she couldnt remember things good, was forgetting names, it really bothered her. They had said that she was in the early stages of something. I cant remember the name. It wasnt alzheimers, but something like that. It really bothered her. The time she was in before they were giving her these "tests" she called them. And would start crying and get so anxious because she either thought she didn't do good or couldn't remember the questions. What the hell! I know its probably procedure but when its one of yours its different.
I didn't eat, i was so sick to my stomach. I would see her get a little better, then worse, she sounded like she was having conjestive heart failure. Aweful sound coming from her lungs or chest when she would breathe.
This night was kinda a blur. I remember thinking how much I loved her, but yet how horrible she must be feeling. I felt sorry for her. And had the gall to feel sorry for myself because I might lose her. I was good with her, but inside was very selfish and would have done about anything to keep her in my life.
I asked her "What would I do without you?" She said "Oh you'll be fine" Almost like she was trying to piss me off. Like she was trying to push me away. I sat there and studied every feature on her hands, which I loved. I studied every feature of her face. Her perfect eyebrows, lips, nose, everything. She was just one of those older ladies that was beautiful. Maybe even prettier as she aged. I always told her "Your so pretty grandma" she would just say shoot hunny now quit. lol.
You know the sad thing that I can't get over. No matter how hard I studied her features, so that I would never forget her, I am. Of course I will never forget her but the memories of her face, smile, giggle, are starting to fade and that makes me sick. Maybe thats the way it supposed to be? So that you move on. And another thing that bothers me is that you think that you can't ever live without someone who is so special, but you do. And I have went through a guilty phase for that. Its almost like if you start to forget about them, then that is saying that they weren't that important to you, and thats sad to me.
I told her that I was watching my neighbors house and cat and had to run home and check on it and feed the cat. She really didn't want me too. But I reassured her that I would be right back. I told her that I had to check on my little one, which I knew she would want me to do and maybe that would hold her off for a while.  I don't remember driving home, I don't remember anything. Just driving back and in a hurry. Almost like I knew something was going to happen.

Struggling to write; Before the death of my friend, grandma, angel

I know that I have spoken allot about my grandma and how she helped me through the hard times. I wish she was here. Although I'm sure that she is glad she is with he little boy that she lost so young, her husband, brothers, sisters, mom and dad and so on. I have went through alot of different moods and emotions when it comes to here death but it was by far the hardest night of my life. I can go through stuff, but I hate to see others in pain. I do NOT handle death good at all. I suppose for selfish reasons. I get close to very few people but the ones that I do; I want around forever. So please bare with me, I am going to write this whole blog on my grandma and her death. The worst day of my life July17, 2006. I hope the date is right. Sometimes it seems it has been forever, then other days it seems she was just here. I moved a few blocks from her on purpose when I had to move from the blood clots. And I know that when I'm talking about how special she is most of you probably think, well so was my grandma. But I'm going to do my best at this and it may take several days to complete so be patient please.

As a child most of my memories are with her. Not because I didn't have good parents. She was the one who watched me and my three brothers while my parents worked. She was the most beautiful woman I had ever saw. Dark Black hair, perfect face, calm as an angel. She gained weight when she lost her little boy at the age of 3 or 4. She was still beautiful. Inside and out. I used to hug her and try to get my arms wrapped all the way around her. She gave us birthday parties every night that we stayed the night so we wouldn't bother papa. I used to watch her pick fuzz off of socks when they got out of the dryer for hours. She used to let us pick rubarb out of the neighbors yard and dip it into sugar. She always had breakfast, lunch, and dinner on, which after papa died and she never really cooked allot i figured that it may have just been expected of her, I dont know if she loved it?  The most important thing about my grandma was that from the time I was little till the time she passed away, she never, once, made me feel like I was in her way, bothering her, putting her out, i was always welcome and even if she was tired of me she never showed it. My parents used to take us to church every weekend and I never asked but later in life grandma told me that she was so mad at God for so long for taking her little boy. She didn't understand. I guess I would feel like that too. She wasn't hateful about it, and I think she really wanted God in her life. And he was. She used to read the bible to me everynight when I was sick out of proverbs. Until my nerves were bad. lol. And of all the things she could leave me when she died, she left me her bible. What a blessing. And it made my heart feel good when I went through it. She never lost her faith, there were pictures of everyone who had gotten sick in the family, letters, things to remember. I will cherrish it forever, although i do have to tell you I have only opened it once. Maybe someday.

I think that I used to talk to my grandma atleast five times a day as a teenager and into my twenties. She always answered. lol. Grandma did everything for everyone. Her family was her life. And she was our life. She held everyone together, and would be disappointed if she knew how it was now. But would understand. She loved being in the womens' club and throwing parties. lol. She loved to laugh and have fun. And second best thing between me and grams was that she was the one person in my life that completely knew me..... I could dance, sing, act like I was funny, never ever had to act like I was someone else around her. Boy. do I miss that.

I moved into this house in september, grandma came over with our help and probably a liitle coaxing. I was just trying to get her out of the house. She hadn't been out in sooo long. Well, it was aweful. She didn't say that but me and my husband were helping her up our little stairs in the front and it sounded like her bones were breaking when we would even put our hands under her arms to help her up. I never again asked her to come over or pushed her to get up. It was a horrible sound and very sad.

In the next months she would lay in bed, she had one of those hospital beds in her frontroom. She was so sick. One thing after the other. She had high blood pressure, and diabetes at the end. Every pill had a side effect and was taken care of by another pill. I tried to make her laugh, but it didn't happen often now.  I tried to make her want to live, but i think she had lost her will. She had her dog, which I swore saved her life when papa died, but I'm not sure she even worried about him anymore. Very sick. Thank God she had also given us her dog. I think that he has saved us. Just a little part of grandma. He ran to her house from mine for about a month. It was sad. Not so much anymore though. He is old but still something to hold onto.

The last time we took her to the hospital they had to transport her to a different city. about thirty minutes from here. At the hospital she was talking to me. I can remember trying to tease her. She told me never to let my little one be sad about her. I asked her to please fight grandma, please, what will I do without you. She sighed and said, "I'm not worth shootin" That used to be her little saying. I said "But who will be my best friend? Who will talk to me?" "She said, "I'm ready to go." I just ignored her.

She was transferred by ambulance and seemed to get worse right away. This first time I went in to see her, it was horrible. It wasn't even like grandma. I decided to stay a couple of nights with her after a few days. It was weird she would go from cardio, to neuro, to this and that. All over the hospital. The they told us that we had to wear a gown and mask to get into see her, I thought It was to protect her. But as Im writing I remember that she had something. Cant remember what it was. Her temperature was crazy, up and down. I was really worried about her heart. I could see her breathing and it looked like she was having allot of trouble. She was a tough woman too. I had never heard her moan like this. Just makes your stomach hit the floor. Grandma had survived breast cancer, something in her throat, both knees were operated on, both ankles had screws in them, she had her spine fused.
Just something she laughed about all of the time; A guy came over to check on her oxygen or some equiptment she was on at her house. I was in the kitchen and she said to him, "My family thinks that I have more than one screw loose. Do you think thats right?" He got so mad and said that was aweful for us to say. I made her tell him that she actually did have a real screw loose in her ankle, actually both ankles and he settled down. She laughed about that for a year. lol.

This first night I was at the hospital: to be cont. cant take anymore for the night.

"Your going to die a young woman" Again? Really?

Driving, feeling sharp pain under ribs. Its probably gas. lol. Maybe anxiety? Heading to grandmas. Trying to figure out how I'm going to get her to go to the hospital. I always felt allot better once I got into grandmas town. Elevation change ya know. So I get there and talk to her and pretty much tell her that I'm going to call the ambaulance. She hated when I did that. After papa died I don't ever really think she had the drive to live. She would alway say "When I go" or "I'm ready to go" I hated that. She was my wisdom, friend, grandma, angel from heaven. She held us together. We all had her in common. We all loved her.

She was giving me that look.... I walked outside and felt weird. I sat down on the cement. I remember it was warm. Got the strength to go back in and sat on her floor. I was looking at her, and thinking at the same time i need to get to the hospital. I finally just said "Um guys I need to go to the emergency room." I don't know if they thought I was just shitting them or what. I don't know who I left my little one with, although I knew she was being taken care of . I got in my car and drove to the hospital.


Well if you remember from the blood clots story, at first they had told me it was my gallbladder. Yep thats what it was. The only good thing about blood clots is if you tell them you have a history of it. Trust me you don't sit in the waiting room. lol. 


The surgery should have been a piece of cake. But no not with me. Since I had the blood clots and im not sure if I was still on cumadin to thin my blood. But it had to be thin and then after words they had to put something in it so that I wouldn't get clots again. It was one of the best hospital visits I ever had.


Guess who was in the room next to me? Grandma. I had my surgery, let them get my blood right and then went next door. I feel bad, I dont know what was wrong with her that time. But I went next door and said "Hi Grandma, guess who is in the room right next to you?" she smiled. She said "Hunny, shouldn't you be in bed getting ready for surgery?" I said "No, I'm done now lets get out of here. Hurry and get your clothes. I was acting like I was just going to take her out of there" Its silly but I felt good having her close to me. We both were in there several days. And the best part is that everyone always brought grandma stuff to hospital, she loved presents. And she would say "Well, thats sad, dont you think you should get tammy something." So I got gifts too!!!lol.


This was the only time I've been in the hospital where I was speechless. Mad. Confused???
The doctor that was doing my surgery told me that I was going to die a young women if I didn't get into a lower altitude. He was kinda rude about it, but maybe thats what I needed. He said that with my history my organs were just going to keep failing. Pissed my husband off. Of course he loves the mountains. I was wrong no matter what I did. "How does he know how you feel in the altitude?" well, I feel like shit I said. I walk around a big house by myself on oxygen all day and wait for you to get home. That didn't go over well. lol.


Never went back home for more that a few hours. Back at moms. What the hell was going on? Its an awful thing to be trying to please everyone and not make anyone mad or have to make hard decions. I took it a day at a time. My parent never really got into anything or told me what to do, but they were very insistant that I stay in a lower altitude. Which is not as simple as it seems.


Every other house is in forclosure and we are going to try to sell our house.? We stayed at my parents and my husband would come down like once a week. It was hard.


I realized that I had to get better and healthier, in order to make better, healthier, decisions. It took almost a year. Then I told my husband, I have to get a life! A home! As I'm writing this, I remember how mad I was at him for not being with us. Working all the time. But now I'm thinking what a burden that was to put on him. Now he was going to be paying for two houses? I wanted him to move down with me, but I think, well i know, that he was trying to wait it out. Let my lungs and body get healthier, so I could move home.


My 6 year old was going through horrible seperation anxiety, which I didn't even know of. It was horrible. I'm so glad that she is doing better. She had a rough couple of years and is the type of kid who doesn't think like a kid. She has to understand everything, you can't hide anything from her. Eventually I had to get her a doctor. Just broke my heart. The shit everyone was going through over me and I'm not feeling sorry for myself. Seriously, It was horrible to sit by and watch all who I loved going through hell and I couldn't do anything about it. I could help my daughter but It took two years to get her better. My doctor told me as I get better, she will get better. And she was right. Thank God.
But going through this with her, helping my grandma as much as possible, trying to start living again, functioning again, gave me inner anger that I would have to realease at some point. And All of it finally came out the week my grandma died.

Total Fear of returning home; "Our dream home" God how I loved it but...

Well it was time to move home. I was scared! I knew that my husband would be working all of the time. It was very hard moving out of a comfort zone. My house was about an hour from my parents. I loved my home and missed it sooo much. But I had barely lived through blood clots and it was a risk. To be honest I dont even know why I took it. It was my kids home, it was our dream home, that my husband built from ground up for us. But it was a good 40 minutes from the closest doctor or hospital. My gut was telling me how stupid it was but in my own way I knew how much everyone had gone through for years with me being sick and I wanted to just make their life normal again.
I cried like a baby when I went home. But it was so good to be there again. Now I started noticing right away that I couldn't breathe well. I was put on oxygen which sucked so bad. I was what? 35 on oxygen walking around. Alive, but on oxygen. I couldn't really leave my house unless I went to a lower elevation so as I got a little better I would drive to grandmas or moms. It was stupid. I would stay for a week at a time.
Oxygen was like 500 a month up at my house. I layed in bed allot. Just like before. Pretty much in the middle of nowhere. Which I used to love. But i was scared now. If I got blood clots again, I had pretty much no chance of surviving from that far away. Here comes the anxiety big time. Pure fear.
The smell of my own house. Looking out the window at the beautiful mountains, fields of green grass. Always deer, elk, all kinds of wildlife. I tried, but it was really taking a tole on me. See when you go to a higher altitude your blood gets thicker. Which is ok unless you just had multiple clots in both of your lungs. I kept thinking I was going to get better. My heart felt like it was beating out of my chest all of the time. I didn't understand. It was explained to me that I had so much scar tissue in each of my lungs that my heart had to work so much harder to get oxygen to it. So oxygen goes through a layer to put get into your blood, but mine had to go through several because of the scar tissue. They said that it could take up to ten years for my lungs to heal. Could I live like this for that long? Did I want to? What to do?
Sounds like a pretty easy answer right?

Ten years earlier; Driving to the property that we had always dreamed of having. Yellow sunflowers lined both sides of the dirt road to it. We sat on the hill to see where the sun would hit at each time of the day. Watched all of the wildlife. It was like heaven. We had our dream house planned. Material things yes. Still important, I had allot of good times there, happy times. But yet, in the end I had to make a choice that would effect my children, husband, our lives. How lucky we were. We had enough money to pay for the property which had a pond on it, ten acres, it was beautiful. Lots of people thought we were crazy to pay what we did for that property. But we had always wanted it. Well just like life, you hit alot of obstacles. You always run into things that you didn't expect, when it comes to expenses. Right as the roof was going up the hurricane hit. Lumber prices trippled and needless to say, the loans started building.
Never the less, we raised two kids there and our little one for about four years. It was a place where everyone was always welcome. My kids always had friends there and it was far enough out of the little town. Just right. We had great times. I enjoyed every moment I had with my children there.Well until they became teenageers. lol. no really. I was going to live there forever. I'm not a person who likes change and never ever thought that I would leave my home. I used to tell my husband "If you are planning on selling this one, your leaving without me. lol" And now I was the one who needed to move.

When I went home I was happy to be there but scared to death. All of the what ifs started. What if I pass out from lack of oxygen and my little one is here alone.?? on and on. And who was there for me?? I thought everyone would miss me. Would come see me. Come help me or just visit. Another great lesson in life. Don't think that you are too important to people. Very good lesson for me. Just because they are important to me doesn't mean I am to them. In their defense everyone has their own family, responsibilities, commentments, lives. I felt sorry for myself cause nobody was there for me. But it really wasn't their responsibility. Although, I will tell you. This lesson also taught me to always be there for people who need me. I do my best. And I would have never made it through it if it wasn't for my kids, dad and mom, grandma, a couple friends, and although I have held a huge, silent grudge cause my husband was always at work, he in his own way was there.

Our house was big. I couldn't keep up with it. Just not enough oxygen. We were at about 7000 ft. in elevation. I started slipping back into deep depression, fighting like hell everyday, not to ever go to that dark
place again. I used to set there and look. Just look. I loved that place. I had a memory for every single spot in that house. I loved the property. But as time went on, I don't know. I just didn't know what to do. I knew that if we were forced to move due to my health it was going to be a huge deal. We were broke from doctor and hospital bills. Which makes you feel oh so much worse when your laying there in bed. I truely felt like my husband felt that I had caused all of this harship and recented me for it. He says no. But how could he not? And I did, I was sick for so long. It makes it so much harder when your racking up medical bills and can't even help pay for them. Im sure that he recented me and then I recented him for recenting me. Confusing.
My parents and grandma lived at about 5000 ft elevation. Which is weird that it made such a huge difference but I pretty much ran down here every chance I got.
It may have saved my life. I didn't need oxygen.
And I will tell you something that is kind of embarrassing because I don't know how many people have these feelings. But, when I thought it was going to snow. I took off. It didn't hardly snow where grandma was. I mean it freaked me out. Anxiety got out of control. I felt clastophobic, stranded. Alone, desperate. And I was raised in the snow. I drove in snow my whole life. I jsut dont understand. Also, the cold weather really started getting to me. I absolutely began to hate it. I swear it was harder to breathe. At grandmas only fifty minutes away it was alway aboout 15 degrees warmer. My whole marriage I never went anywhere without my husband, and now i was running constantly.
When I would get to lower elevation it was like something heavy was being lifted off of my chest. I didn't need oxygen. I loved it here. But I missed my house. And I know its just material; its the memories that get me.
I had never really been in a city. this is by no means a big city but it has everything you need. I was used to driving an hour to even get groceries. It was kina nice. I liked hearing neighbors for the first time. Made me feel better, which is weird cause I used to get so mad when someone would build a house around ours in the country. lol.
I like talkig to people and my daughter playing with the neighborhood kids. Little things, that made my life so much easier and my anxiety so much better.
At this time as I was going back and forth i felt good about it cause I felt good at the lower altitude. My grandma was getting sick though, she had allot of things wrong with her. So this was my chance; I took care of her. I loved being with her. It was sad though, she started just functioning, trying to make it through the day. I would try to make her laugh, she would. But you could tell it was jst for me. She also had a back surgery, and I'm sure that she never was the same.
So was trying to help grandma, kept going back and forth, and got a call. My grandma was really sick but wouldn't go to the doctor. She hated when I would come because she know I would call the ambulance. lol. So went down to get grandma to the doctor, well God had a different plan for me.

"You have ten minutes" I'm dying

I got up and went to bed. Feeling bad cause it was my anniversary, and I didn't care. Wasn't going to wake up. Got up and put my moms oxygen on thinking I was going to save my own life and was really tired. Weird feeling, slipping into sleep, telling everyone, somethings wrong! I'm not going to wake up take me to the hospital. Now in their defense, I had just gotten out of the hospital and wanted to go back. They said that they didn't want me to catch something at the hospital, my system was weak. It was flu season.It was going to be ok. I was not stopping. "Take me to the hospital or I'm calling the ambulance." I started falling asleep while dad was getting dressed to take me. I wasn't going to wake up.... My little one ran up on me and bumped me which jarred me and I woke up. Out of the blue she said "Take mommy to the hospital."
My oldest daughter insisted on going which was a huge mistake, but I was too sick to argue. So we got to the emergency room and I told them what was going on. That I felt like I wasn't breathing good, something is wrong. I feel like I'm not going to wake up everytime I start to go to sleep. My chest feels like I can't get a good breathe. On and on.
So the nurses put the regular things on me to check vitals and so on. They were all good, everything was fine.
I wasn't giving up. I had to turn into my little bitch mode. I told the nurse well give me something to go to sleep and watch what they do!!!!! I could see my dad and daughters face getting red. They knew I was getting pissed. The nurse leaves.
Doctor comes in and tells me that hes sure I'm having an anxiety attack and everything is fine they are going to give me something to settle down and it may make me sleepy. I was pissed but in my own way was getting what I wanted. I needed to make sure that when I went to sleep, I was still breathing. Started getting groggy. But it was a different feeling.
Went and got several tests. I was thinking about all the money this was going to cost.
Here came the doctor again and said that he found the problem. I had gall stones and one of them was completely blocking my gallbladder. I don't remember reacting. Looked at my dad, daughter, sister-in-law. They had tired, relieved faces. It was in the middle of the night. Maybe that's why they were tired, or maybe they were tired of me being in the hospital, not sure. Probably both. But I was right, something was wrong. But what about my breathing? They were sticking to the anxiety attack. So I got pissy again. "I have had anxiety attacks for 15 years! I know what they feel like! This isn't it! Just relax. So now another surgery for gallbladder, great.
I was tired of waiting, had my sister-in-law go see what was going on. She leaves.
The noises of the machines..... Oxygen level was dropping, looking straight into daughters eyes she looked scared.
I told them.
Doctor comes in followed by sister-in-law and several nurses, what are they all running for. Nurses moving quickly around room. Family looking startled. Doctor says, "This is how people die" you have lots of blood clots in both of your lungs, "We are giving the medicine ten minutes, if its not better you will have to be flown out on flight for life and we will have to put you on life support!" Rolling fast down hospital hall, groggy, nurses telling me drink, drink, hurry. I remember trying to drink while laying down? I'm not sure. They were trying to get heparin, I think its called down me to thin my blood. Out.... Back... "Am I going to die?" nurse says, "No" I remember asking that several times, wanting reassurance. Or was I just thinking it?
Big hospital doors, opening, rolling, opening, fast... fast... fast... Where was I going? Where is my family? Oh God I'm dying. I'm in ICU

Stupid thing I said

I feel so bad for something. I have never said anything so stupid in my life.
So my neighbors have had their house for sale for like a year. I love these people they are an older couple. They have been so good to me and my little girl.
I saw an inspection truck in their drive way yesterday, so I called them. I asked if they sold their house and he was telling me how they had a contract and it looked good. On and on. I said, "I'm going to shoot myself." Like I didn't want other neighbors you know. I don't want these people to leave. ok so let me tell you what happened about a month ago and why thats bad.
We have a pump ditch for water that you turn on and off two days a week to water your lawn. So I saw that he wasn't watering and he usually turns my water on for me, so I went over to check and see if he wanted me to go ahead and turn it off. I go to the door, and she usually answers. It takes a while. He answers and I asked where she was. The conversation goes on and she is in another state. His head ducks, and he said that his grandson committed suicide. My heart stopped I didn't know what to say. And he almost acted ashamed. God for the first time I had a loss for words.
So yesterday not even thinking, I tell him I'm going to shoot myself! What the H was I thinking. I'm so stupid. He said no your not, and thats when in my tiny little brain, I realized what I had said. Shit. I didn't apologize, I just kept listening to him about his plans.
I called my parents and told them. My dad is around the same age. He said. "Oh shit, sis." Then he said that they are smart enough to know its just a figure of speech. It was a mistake, and they know I was just talking. I hope so..... My mom wasn't so nice. lol. She said I always tell you to watch your mouth. OK so I vented, I feel so bad. I would never say anything to hurt someone like that. Shit!!!!