still; quiet; just taking in every moment

I haven't been feeling too good and was resting this afternoon.  My son came home from the base and stopped by. I had my oxygen on... sucks... laying in bed and heard him coming in. I am having a hard time talking to him without crying so I kinda said hi and pretended that I had went back to sleep. He layed down by me with his camo on and big damn boots that I would normally have a fit about. They have been working long hours and you can tell that he is just exhausted. He was asleep within a minute or two and I was listening to him breathe. It was calm and then fast, then faster, he was jumping like he was dreaming. I tried to just ignore it and let him get a few minutes sleep.

I was cherishing this moment although hes alot bigger than I am now, hes still my little boy in a way. His face is like a childs when he is sleeping. The freckles, blonde hair, little ears, blonde eye brows and eyelashes. When you are just looking at his face its as if your laying next to your five year old again.

I think he knew I wasn't sleeping though when he woke up. He put his arm around me, gave me a kiss on the cheek, and said "I love you mom"

He stands up and hes tall now. Camo, boots, just keeps going. Hes a kind and good kid with a generous heart. And can go from that to pissed off real fast. Hes very protective of his family and his country. I'm almost glad that he can get an anger issue fast for the first time in my life. It may keep him alive.

He will be leaving for death valley in a couple of weeks. Back for five days for Christmas and Thanksgiving, then we won't see him for like a year an a half. He is leaving us at the age of 20, will be landing in Iraq, or wherever they tell him on his 21st birthday, and will spend I think fifteen months there. So with Gods help I will see him when he is 22 again.

He will not be at this base near us when he leaves which is sad but I think may help us all. I am really sure that if I had to tell him bye right before he went over I would just have a nervous breakdown.

We are best friends in so many ways, but so much alike that we can get on eachothers nerves after a few hours. I would die for him but yet he is the one that is willing to die for me and my freedom.

I am going to truely have to put this in Gods hands before I seriously have a nervous breakdown. And I will but I have to write about it at  night or I just think, think, think. I know that I need to stay positive like he is. I havent said anything negative to him for a long time and I'm so proud of what a man hes become. I'm just going to miss him so much. He is the jokester in our family, he could make anyone laugh. Im going to miss that. He is the exact person or son that I wanted to raise.

You know how when your kids are little and you say I hope they turn out to be this, this, this, and this. Well he is everything I hoped he would be and more.

Seperation anxiety in children

The pure fear they have inside is heart breaking. She would not leave my side. And I really mean that. I could feel her eyes going through the back of my head when I would walk out of the room. I'm sure she thought I was going to die. At first you just tell them to stop it, but it becomes bad fast. You could have told her whatever you wanted to she was hell bent on not losing anyone else.

She would not go with anyone. I mean in a vehicle, to their house. Nothing. And you couldn't make her. I'm serious she would cause a scene and she wasn't just being a brat you could tell that her anxiety level was at a peak. Her face would turn red. I recently asked her if she still remembers the feeling and she said yes. She said "It was like being on a roller coaster all day long with your tummy" God, and I caused allot of this by being so sick.

I didn't know what to do and was very defensive over it. The fear that they feel is real and I felt so powerless. I spent everyday in her classroom or she wouldn't go to school. Doctors orders. she was put on medication which I hated but it got so out of control. I started substituting and she would leave class and come find me just to make sure I was there.

You have to realize this was so unlike her, she never wanted to be in trouble with the teacher, but this anxiety took her over. She was fragile, delicate and I didn't know how else to help her.

She had trouble that year in school and had "mean girls" which her mind could not handle. I knew how it felt but yet didn't know how to help my baby.

The constant question; They repeat things over and over. But hundreds of times a day. "Mom, will you be here?" I would say "Yes, of course." She would repeat that about ten times when she would even go to gym, the bathroom, it didn't matter. She would take a few steps and it would start again. "Will you be here when I get back?" Same answer.  I tried to be so patient.

The thing that made me sick. I have always been here for my kids. Never missed a day with them. Why would she think I would leave her? Not die. Just leave her. I would never do that.

The mothers made a big stir about me being at the school when I volunteered. They thought I favored my kid. I've never been mean to any kid. They were mad when she got put into gifted and talented. And I didn't care that she got put in. I have been through raising two other kids. Although, it is good for her because she gets bored, which gives her too much time to think. I'm amazed at how petty parents are. The situation was explained and a doctors note accompanied about what she was going through, what she needed, her medication, what she had gone through and even how she was thinking and over-thinking everything. The teacher was great. I didn't just sit there I helped grade etc. And it was hard on me I was still recovering, but they didn't care. I have a real hard time with envious people. And they didn't even have anything to envy? What the hell?

I ended up having to move her to a different school. I could not let her go through it anymore. It wasn't even so much the kids. The moms. I just don't understand it. When people are going through hard times, I feel bad for them, try to help them, atleast understand them. They didn't care. I didn't give them the satisfaction of knowing why I moved her but she needed to heal. She needed time to get mentally well, healthy, and that is my job. Its my job to make sure she is in an environment to do that.

Now I know that people will think well kids have to go through stuff, it makes them stronger. blah blah blah. Not my kid and not when she is going through this. It is my job to protect her. So thats that.

I took her to my doctor and she was put on medication. It did help. She was on it for six months. Has been off of it for almost two years and is a different kid. I honest to God didn't think that she would ever get better. She did. And as my doctor told me "As you get better so will she" which really made me get my ass up and start pushing myself to do whatever I could. Then more the next day, more the next day. We are both better. Thank God. She doesn't have anymore to go, I still struggle but am so much better than I was.

My illnesses effected all of my kids and although I would like to jump off a cliff sometime, lol, well not really. My older daughter was fourteen and my son was 11 with the postpartum depression. They went through hell and I could see the worry in their faces. It was sad and I was dealing with so many illnesses at the time I couldnt even give them advice on how to handle it. My daughter was like a second mom to my little one which is why when she moved it was just another horrible thing in my babies eyes to deal with. My son had an anger issue, but probably has the biggest heart of all of us. He didn't know how to deal either. My husband just pretty much ran. Worked.

This illness is very serious in kids and its the saddest thing I've seen. There is no good way of handling it, just do your best. Be there no matter what. The doctor told me to let her take an album to school with all of our pictures. That made it worse but it may help some kids.

Probably the best thing that I did was to get her a pay as you go cell phone. It calmed her down allot, she had a connection and could get ahold of me at any time. You have to keep your word because if you don't you will be starting over. That comes from experience. If you tell them you will be outside a door, which we had to go over atleast twenty times in the morning, be there. Everytime. I promiss it will get easier. Realize that all they are thinking about all day is where you are what you are doing. My daughter is a couple years over her grade, some kids fall back. Don't feel like a bad parent if they do. You will just have to help them. They aren't thinking about the homework, their minds are scrambling about everything and its hard for them to concentrate.

I couldn't put her in any activities at first she just couldn't take it. But as she started getting better I did and it helped.

Absolutely do not let people tell them to "Just stop it" it doesn't work and it made her worse. It doesn't take much for them to get back to square one. Although i definetely would notify the school, teachers, anyone who could help her in a situation. They should be sympathetic and sincere about it. If they aren't going to be your going to have to take care of it.  Some wont be so find the ones who will, if not stick to your kid like glue. I have no idea what you will do if you are working cause I don't think I could have done it.

Family is important although they have to know what the kid has and what not to say around them. Make them realize that these kids worry about everything, even if its not kid stuff. For Gods sake I had to take the bible from my daughter because she was reading her own thoughts into it, thinking she was going to hell for everything. She has it back now. They just over-think everything.

 

You might want to only let them watch certain things on tv. They think everything is going to happen to them, even if it is just a fiction show. My doctor said not to let her watch anything but cartoons for a while. It worked.

I just asked her what helped her: She said the cell phone, and that she still gets nervous sometimes.

Teach them how to calm themselves down when you are at home with them and it is quiet. Its important and it will help them, although when they are really bad they don't care if they are breathing correctly and it also depends on their age. Its tough. I would walk outside. She wanted to know what side of the house I was going to be on. If I had moved to another side without thinking you could hear her screaming for me. How horrible it must be to be that afraid... So I would have to tell her ok I'm going to the back but might be in the front in a couple of minutes. We started doing breathing and thinking excercises. It was so hard for her. I would tell her what I was going to do so she would know. I told her when you feel the anxiety and fear coming you take a deep breathe and then think "she isn't going to leave me" where did she tell me I would be? breathe go to the other side of the house. She would find me. It took a long time.

She doesn't carry the cell phone anymore, they usually wont use it anyway its just a mental thing. And her teacher was a life saver cause she would let her call me when she was getting anxiety. It goes from nervous, to sick to their stomachs, to full fledged anxiety fast.

Get a support base of people who may not understand but would do whatever it takes for your child. Positive people, older people are great cause most of them are calm and reassuring, like grandparents.

My daughter had to know what was going on from the time she woke up until the time she went to bed, and I couldn't tell her "shit happens" or "what if this happens what do you do?" She would have freaked out. But I got it covered with people without her knowing.

I'm telling you if you are going through this with your child you probably feel like your going crazy. The questions over and over alone really try your patience. Its really hard and just understand how hard it is for them. They are so miserable, they are hurting and we know why but we don't know why. I could tell her I would never leave her she would say I know but what if something happens and your not there. Well then so and so would be here. Well what if they weren't her? It went on for hours and I'm not kidding. She meant it too she wasn't just screwing with me.

Your life becomes their life. You can lay up all night and try to figure out how to fix it or you can realize that this is going to take some time. Go day by day by day.

After a year she started getting a little better. After about a year and a half she was allot better and then I started another phase which I don't know if it was right or wrong but it seemed like this was the time to try to make her a little stronger. I started playing the "what if " game with her. When she would say are you sure that you will be at door number two at 3:14, by the tree. I would say yes. And I told her that we were going to play this game everyday. So I would say but "What if" (start real small) I was standing on the sidewalk instead of by the tree what would happen? Her face would turn red, you could just see that it was messing her up. I said, well what could you do? She wouldn't answer so I would give her something she could do. See they aren't thinking well enough to go that far. I said could you look around for just a couple of seconds and see me on the sidewalk? She said yes, but please don't do that. We played this game and I would slowly progress to "What if I wasn't there at 3:14, what could you do? She could go back inside to her teacher. etc.

Although I played this with her I never did it for almost two years or she would have seriously had a meltdown. she had several when I was thirty seconds late.

It took two years for me to start pulling away a bit. By then her sister and brother moved back to our state which helped allot although it took her a while to even go with them.  It sounds crazy to people who aren't going through it but I litterally took one step back from the school door at a time. One step. Eventually, I was almost to the end of the playground. And thank God I have not been in the hospital since.

Today, I take her to school, she rides the bus home!, I don't go to the school and volunteer, I work at a different school and she will ride the bus there! She will go with her sister and brother! She has stayed the night, well threes nights. lol. at a friends house! She goes to our old house with her dad when he is working on it for the people who bought it! Goes to band and gymnastics, still wants us to be there. Stays at my mom and dads. I'm just so happy for her. She is so much better.

To all of you who are going through this I just don't know what to say. It may not take as long. She was really bad. Hang in there and if you need someone to talk to you know just blog me cause I'm sure there are things that I have forgotten to mention. Be patient, dont let people tell you how to do your job, its not their kid or their hell that you are going through. And last but not least, they get better. I never thought she would but I can't believe how far she has come. God Bless You All.

Helping children deal with death, anxiety,seperation

Well if you have read my blog you know that I suck when It comes to dealing with death. But when your a parent you have to dig deep within and take care of your children. They are hurting probably in a different way and who know what they are thinking or the questions that they have.

Now allot of people told me to take my little one to a counselor. She had severe seperation anxiety, which I hadn't really heard of or ever dealt with. This had to be the hardest thing to watch ever. At first you think that if you just tell them you are not going to leave them, try to explain about death, heaven, they will be alright, but this was something that was not going away. My little one got worse.

God knows that she had reason. I was trying to live for my kids and damaging the hell out of them at the same time especially the young one. I did everything possible to reasure her that all was good, mommie was good, everything was going to be ok. It didn't work and was a couple years of heart breaking agony watching her go through this. She had watched me almost die a couple of times and kids aren't stupid. They listen. They hear. They know.
You can try to keep it from them, hide the horrible stuff, but they are smart and know whats going on.

She had moved to my parents with me, watched all of my illnesses, her big sister moved, her brother moved, her dad was living at our old house, her grandma honey had just died, we moved to a new place, and she started a new school. Just to mention the big things. I have so much guilt over this. Although you try so hard to protect the kids, they are suffering so much. She acted so strong and I think that finally she just broke.

Before I talk about  the seperation anxiety I just want to put down a couple of things that may help someone whos child is going through the loss of someone.

1.  We live really close to my grandmas old house and pass it everyday. She would cry horrible. At this time she was about 6.  She didn't want anyone else living in grandmas house and was angry. I let her write a letter to the owners of the house after talking to them about it. She wrote a long letter and asked them to please take care of her grandma honey's house. She went into specifics, which I think was good therapy for her. How to water the grass, what grandma liked and how she wanted someone to live there who loved the house. She basically asked them to take care of the house. I took her to the mailbox and let her put it in. Which I know your not supposed to do but they were watching. She smiled. Even if you can't put it in the mailbox you can pretend to mail it.

2. This worked good!   I take her to get balloons, which her and grandma had talked about. As many as she wants. She writes notes on them and we set them free. She watches very carefully. They go up so far and then you cant see them anymore. She says, "Grandma got it". And is calm again.

3.  I was really scared to do this but, when the people got all moved into grandmas they invited us in. I was scared and didn't think I could be strong enough for her. We had damn near lived there for years. But I had to do it. They took us to each room and let her look around. She told them stories about each room. Its weird there wasn't any grandma left there which is the way it is supposed to be I guess. It looked beautiful, grandma would have loved it. I realize that you cant do this with all losses but it helped actually both of us.

4. Eventually, I just had to go all out and try to explain everything to her. She doesn't let things go. I told her my beliefs. That grandma was so happy now. She was playing with her little boy and had so much family in heaven. Went into the pain. etc. At this stage I was still shattered, my gutt would hurt as im consoling her. I did belive what I was saying, but I was still pissed that she left me. Very selfish. I'm told thats a phase you go through I dont know.

5. I let her write letters to heaven for grandma and mailed them, or let her mail them.

6. And after three years of the hell of seperation anxiety she has a full schedule, gymnastics, gate, band, school. Dont give them too much time to think. I had to keep her busy. Although I felt like crawling in bed and crying. Just wanted to sleep. I had to keep her moving, which actually was a big help to me also. I didn't like it though. lol.

7. She made a photo album of her and grandma

8. I let her hang pictures of her. She put one right by where she sleeps. I wasn't sure if that was a good idea. But if they request it then why not. She still looks at it everymorning and is concerned that she is forgettting grandma.  So I encourage her to write down things that she remembers about her, anything. She has quite a collection.

9. She still sleeps with the blanket that grandma always used. Thats ok to me. So what. It was actually her blanket and grandma liked it so she let her use it. Now I will admit when grandma first died she wanted to wear one of her big nightgowns and I let her. She wore her nightgown to sleep for about a week and the phase was over. She said that it smells like grandma and "thats all I need"

10. Let them talk, talk, talk, if they will. I didn't know most answers. When I didn't know how to answer I just told her that. It will drive you a little crazy. Our minds are trying to process all of this shit and questions are coming left and right. She was bad with this, I mean all day everyday. So what I did was tell her ok, we are going to talk about anything on your mind, grandma, memories, whatever you want, but only at 6:00 at night. The rest of the day we are going to try real hard to be happy and look for things to be happy about. I was very surprised to hear her agree to that. It worked, everynight we would talk about the same stuff until I thought I was going to go crazy. Everntually the conversation got shorter. Then they stopped. She had either talked it out or found anotherway to cope that was working



I am sure I will think of more but thats a start. She has allot of faith in God and I don't even have to push her. Prayers really helped her, she would say them and then say now what do I say? I told her you say whatever you want to, so she will go on for fifteen minutes. She  tells God to say hi to grandma and did she get her balloons, on and on. Seems to really help her and actually I enjoy listening to her.

I never thought she would get better or get rid of the anxiety and sepreation anxiety, but she has. Thank God. Shes doing great. It took a long time. So much patience. But we did it.!!!!

Quick tips for depression

This is a hard one. If I wouldn't have had family I would have been screwed.
Now I still have depression and manage it, I function. Which is what most people have. But if you have depression to the point of not wanting to live you need to see a doctor.

I know allot of people who refuse to take medication. I personally won't go off of it again. I wish that I was one of the people who could get on it for a year or six months and feel normal again, but I'm not. I have tried going off my medication many times and will try no more. Apparently my brain needs it. I kinda have a rule that will sound stupid. But when you take medication like for anxiety, some people I guess pay big bucks for that stuff for the feeling. I can't tell that I take it so that is how I know that my body needs it. Make sense? Probably not.

There are people who use other things instead of taking pills. I know people who wont take them because you cant drink with them. They would rather drink. Thats their business. For me I take medication.

I was one of those people who had a hard time taking care of myself, yet nobody knew cause I was damn good at hiding it for a long time. I loved to sleep and to be honest when I'm stressed thats what I do sometimes. But I also walk allot now. I swim, ride my bike. This would have been unheard of years ago. And its not that I didn't want to, I just couldn't get the .... I don't know what you call it. My body hurt, my brain hurt. lol. Some people called me lazy. I think that when a person lays in bed for months and doesnt leave the house for months, its not because they want to something is wrong with them.

Just to brag for one sec. lol. My daughter and I were talking yesterday. The older daughter. I told her that I had to get out of the damn house, couldn't stand it anymore. I can't stay indoors all day now. This is the time I've been waiting for. I love to do things, and if I would have known that a walk or swim took this much stress away, I would hope that I would have done it years ago.\
Although when your depressed a walk, shower, anything is a huge effort.

When I first started walking I could only make it a couple of blocks because of my blood clots and my lungs. I went out everyday for two years and went just a little bit more each day. I'm up to two miles a day now! Its been a long road but well worth it. I love to look at the trees, animals, I even look at the rocks. lol. I try to enjoy every piece of that hour I'm walking.

So I guess what I'm saying is that I was about as low as you can get and you can get better. I'm not going to tell you that I feel great everyday. I'm in constant pain, and I truely still struggle with anxiety and depression. But I get my ass up and by God take that walk everyday.
And I stopped when my grandbaby was born and my husband moved down here. It sucked. My stress level went through the roof. So, I started again. I dont care if the roof is falling in I have to take care of myself at this point in my life.

I taught myself to swim last year and found that it is the only thing that doesnt make me sore or hurt my back. Great excercise for those of you with back problems, and has helped anxiety and depression. The hardest part is taking the time for yourself to do it.

When you are so far down that you cant do anything my advice to you would be to take one day at a time. If thats too hard take a half hour at a time. Dont lay in bed awake worrying about things at night. Go ahead and get up. Watch tv or read a book.

My schedule took years to get back. I guess thats ok cause it took years to get so bad. I was and pretty much still am a night owl. I think its the peace and quiet. lol.  I had to go from staying up all day and night. Then I would stay up all night and sleep all day. And after a long time I make myself go to sleep, although its usually late, and I make myself stay up during the day.
Now dont think that I just go to sleep, I'm far from that and don't understand how people just go to sleep, although I know I did for the first twenty years. I have to take medication for sleep also. Another crutch.
But if I dont look at the clock when I go to sleep my anxiety level is so much better, I'm not so tired in the morning. Another mind trick to me. If I look at the clock then I sit there and count how many hours of sleep I'm going to get, figure that is not enough for me, and I swear I'm tired in the morning.

I cant tell you how important sleep is to me with my depression. If I don't get sleep I get worse. Sleep is a must and although I say I make myself stay up all day. I will take a nap if i dont feel right. I have to have sleep. And if your not sleeping, you know. I did take stuff like Tylenol pm for years, it worked for sleep. Although some people feel tired the next morning, I did anyway. But eventually my doctor put on medication to sleep. I went through allot of different pills, nothing seemed to work. I now take a muscle relaxer and sleep great. It takes my spasms from my back away and I sleep well most of the time.

Weather has a big effect on me. I need sunshine. Which is actually a fact. The sun gives you a certain vitamin I think it is that is very important. Check into it but I'm pretty sure that you are supposed to get sun between the hours of 10 and 12 am. When it get cold and gloomy so do I. This really isn't in my head although I feel like it is sometimes. I really feel like shit when it is cold. I dont like winter at all and if I was rich I would have a place with palm trees and and ocean for the winters. Yea that would be great! I will tell you that although I know its bad for your skin, I will go to a tanning bed usually in the winter. It makes me feel better, I dont know if its the fake light, the heat, but it does the job.

Little things make people happy if they take the time to do them. I do things that I never used to but have found that it helps. Take my 2 year old nephew for a walk, they find the good in everything. Garden. Play with my dog, God I would have never done that before. Go somewhere with my kids, just little things that take up your day. Try to enjoy them. Make yourself, it takes practice. I have always enjoyed doing things with my kids though, but I take allot more time now to do it. I used to clean, clean, clean. Cook, cook cook, yea thats pretty much over. lol.

Find someone who relates to you and doesnt act like your crazy to talk to when your having a rough time.
Laugh, laugh, laugh. Or cry whatever you feel like.

I think that I live like I think others want me to still. I'm working on it.

For me: Faith in God has helped me more than anything. When nobody else is there for you, he always is.

Another thing that I don't know if other people go through so that bothers me is when I get sick. As in a cold or flu. My depression shoots sky high. It pisses me off. So remember if this happens to you and your getting sick thats why your feeling like your depression is worse. My dad always has to remind me of that.

If you are really depressed right now then your not going to be swimming etc. but talk to yourself. Sounds stupid but it will help after a while. Tell yourself, tomorrows a new day and will be better. The medication takes time. Although, they tell you that you won't feel a difference for like two months. I disagree with that, but thats just me. I could tell in a couple of weeks if it was working or not. Maybe not the full effect but you can feel your head getting a little bit clearer
Last thing I will put down for now is if you are going to have friends during this time, which I hope you have a couple to help you, they have to be positive with you. Hand around people that dont sit there and tell you what your doing wrong, do what your doctor says. Unless they have been through it, I might listen to them. Maybe they were able to find something that might help you.  God bless All of you

Quick Tips For Anxiety Attacks;

This is what has worked for me; I'm sure im forgetting things so please ask questions if I have.

I'm not an expert but I have learned a few things that have actually stopped the full fledged anxiety attacks. I still get anxiety, which is bad enough and wonder if I will ever be off medication.

ANXIETY ATTACKS:

1. First of all, if you are put on medication by a doctor DONT go off of it out of the guilt of being on medication. Its still there believe me.

2. You are not imaginning how bad these things are. I've been through allot and they rank way up at the top of the list. Its awful, but with time, it will get better.

3. I always ask doctors if they have had anxiety attacks before or when I'm in their office. Sounds bad I know but allot of them just look at you with a blank stare. You will know the ones who have by the way they look at you when your describing them. If not ask.  Your supposed to be counceled too. I did a couple of times, but found myself more anxious when they started asking all of these personal questions that had nothing to do with it. It may with some people though, I don't know.

4. I did have a lady teach me how to relax my body. Its hard and takes allot of practice but really works. When you lay down, make it a quiet place, you start at your toes. Shut your eyes but in your mind only focus on your toes or your feet. You make them relaxed, almost like they are so heavy that they are going to fall right through the bed. Then your mind will probably start wondering again. So start over. Move up your body, but if your at your arms and your feet are all tightened up again, start over. It will take a while to get it down, but you will not believe how many of your muscles are actually tightened when you think you are relaxed. Its crazy.

5. Everyone is going to have an opinion: This is a rough part cause if they haven't had them then they have no idea what they are talking about and it will make you angry. I personally think that I did myself a favor by telling people what the doctor said that I have because it came from a doctor first of all, and people will be more at ease telling you that they have the same thing or have had. Thats where you will get your little circle hopefully of people that understand. I don't know if there are support groups for this cause I lived out in the boonies so that may be a good idea if there are. And a little attitude will not hurt you. Surround yourself by people who are nice to you and atleast pretend to understand cause your mind cant handle any bullshit gossip.

6. Most people don't like to ask others for help. I mean help doing everyday things that you are not functioning well enough to do. Its important that you get good at that. You dont need to overdue it but if you just cant do something that day you would be surprised to know how many people actually feel good and needed if you ask them to help you.

7. DO NOT try to explain yourself or your decisions all of the time. It made me worse and I'm pretty good at saying NO now. Take a few months and take care of yourself, because your probably the ones that take care of everyone else.  When they call and say "Lets go to lunch" and your in the middle of an anxiety attack, then you feel guilty for saying no, but if you go its really going to be bad, on and on. Just say "I would love to some other time but cant today" now some of them will say "Why" well actually thats when you will start going over everything...... Its really not their business.. Your trying to make it through the day. If they do ask why I would just say not today. That is it no more explaining. If they love you or are friends they will understand. If not well now you know who your friends are.

8. You have to learn to breathe. I know that sounds stupid cause it did to me. Obviously I was breathing or I would be dead. ? But we have a tendency to over breathe or hold our breath without even noticing it. Then its too late. And if you do catch yourself already going into anxiety attack, the first thing that you have to tell your brain is

 I CAN NOT DIE FROM THESE. And you cant. Your vitals are probably perfect. I myself cuff my hands over my mouth and take five breaths to get the carbon dioxide going, slow your breathing down, which is hard to do if you are hyperventilating, but you can do it.

9. I asked my doctor what the worst thing that could happen would be. She said that I would pass out. Oh great I said. Then she told me that if you do pass out when you wake up your brain is actually in better shape. It has repaired the levels of oxygen, carbon dioxide and you'll be fine till your next one.

10. ok and something I am not proud of but im going to tell you. Sometimes I just cant handle everything. Husband, 23 year old, 21 year old, 9 year old, house work, bills, on and on. I actually do get sick. But its not like a cold sick, I can't explain it. To get myself better, I tell everyone except nine year old. "I cant talk about this now" I truly ask God to just take all of my worries, I will fake being sick just to get to go into a quiet room and take a nap without any noice. I actually will lie or fib whatever to get away from everyone and sleep. I don't do that very often anymore but oh boy I used to. And you know what? So what. I felt better when I got up and was ready to take some of it on.

Total Fear of returning home; "Our dream home" God how I loved it but...

Well it was time to move home. I was scared! I knew that my husband would be working all of the time. It was very hard moving out of a comfort zone. My house was about an hour from my parents. I loved my home and missed it sooo much. But I had barely lived through blood clots and it was a risk. To be honest I dont even know why I took it. It was my kids home, it was our dream home, that my husband built from ground up for us. But it was a good 40 minutes from the closest doctor or hospital. My gut was telling me how stupid it was but in my own way I knew how much everyone had gone through for years with me being sick and I wanted to just make their life normal again.
I cried like a baby when I went home. But it was so good to be there again. Now I started noticing right away that I couldn't breathe well. I was put on oxygen which sucked so bad. I was what? 35 on oxygen walking around. Alive, but on oxygen. I couldn't really leave my house unless I went to a lower elevation so as I got a little better I would drive to grandmas or moms. It was stupid. I would stay for a week at a time.
Oxygen was like 500 a month up at my house. I layed in bed allot. Just like before. Pretty much in the middle of nowhere. Which I used to love. But i was scared now. If I got blood clots again, I had pretty much no chance of surviving from that far away. Here comes the anxiety big time. Pure fear.
The smell of my own house. Looking out the window at the beautiful mountains, fields of green grass. Always deer, elk, all kinds of wildlife. I tried, but it was really taking a tole on me. See when you go to a higher altitude your blood gets thicker. Which is ok unless you just had multiple clots in both of your lungs. I kept thinking I was going to get better. My heart felt like it was beating out of my chest all of the time. I didn't understand. It was explained to me that I had so much scar tissue in each of my lungs that my heart had to work so much harder to get oxygen to it. So oxygen goes through a layer to put get into your blood, but mine had to go through several because of the scar tissue. They said that it could take up to ten years for my lungs to heal. Could I live like this for that long? Did I want to? What to do?
Sounds like a pretty easy answer right?

Ten years earlier; Driving to the property that we had always dreamed of having. Yellow sunflowers lined both sides of the dirt road to it. We sat on the hill to see where the sun would hit at each time of the day. Watched all of the wildlife. It was like heaven. We had our dream house planned. Material things yes. Still important, I had allot of good times there, happy times. But yet, in the end I had to make a choice that would effect my children, husband, our lives. How lucky we were. We had enough money to pay for the property which had a pond on it, ten acres, it was beautiful. Lots of people thought we were crazy to pay what we did for that property. But we had always wanted it. Well just like life, you hit alot of obstacles. You always run into things that you didn't expect, when it comes to expenses. Right as the roof was going up the hurricane hit. Lumber prices trippled and needless to say, the loans started building.
Never the less, we raised two kids there and our little one for about four years. It was a place where everyone was always welcome. My kids always had friends there and it was far enough out of the little town. Just right. We had great times. I enjoyed every moment I had with my children there.Well until they became teenageers. lol. no really. I was going to live there forever. I'm not a person who likes change and never ever thought that I would leave my home. I used to tell my husband "If you are planning on selling this one, your leaving without me. lol" And now I was the one who needed to move.

When I went home I was happy to be there but scared to death. All of the what ifs started. What if I pass out from lack of oxygen and my little one is here alone.?? on and on. And who was there for me?? I thought everyone would miss me. Would come see me. Come help me or just visit. Another great lesson in life. Don't think that you are too important to people. Very good lesson for me. Just because they are important to me doesn't mean I am to them. In their defense everyone has their own family, responsibilities, commentments, lives. I felt sorry for myself cause nobody was there for me. But it really wasn't their responsibility. Although, I will tell you. This lesson also taught me to always be there for people who need me. I do my best. And I would have never made it through it if it wasn't for my kids, dad and mom, grandma, a couple friends, and although I have held a huge, silent grudge cause my husband was always at work, he in his own way was there.

Our house was big. I couldn't keep up with it. Just not enough oxygen. We were at about 7000 ft. in elevation. I started slipping back into deep depression, fighting like hell everyday, not to ever go to that dark
place again. I used to set there and look. Just look. I loved that place. I had a memory for every single spot in that house. I loved the property. But as time went on, I don't know. I just didn't know what to do. I knew that if we were forced to move due to my health it was going to be a huge deal. We were broke from doctor and hospital bills. Which makes you feel oh so much worse when your laying there in bed. I truely felt like my husband felt that I had caused all of this harship and recented me for it. He says no. But how could he not? And I did, I was sick for so long. It makes it so much harder when your racking up medical bills and can't even help pay for them. Im sure that he recented me and then I recented him for recenting me. Confusing.
My parents and grandma lived at about 5000 ft elevation. Which is weird that it made such a huge difference but I pretty much ran down here every chance I got.
It may have saved my life. I didn't need oxygen.
And I will tell you something that is kind of embarrassing because I don't know how many people have these feelings. But, when I thought it was going to snow. I took off. It didn't hardly snow where grandma was. I mean it freaked me out. Anxiety got out of control. I felt clastophobic, stranded. Alone, desperate. And I was raised in the snow. I drove in snow my whole life. I jsut dont understand. Also, the cold weather really started getting to me. I absolutely began to hate it. I swear it was harder to breathe. At grandmas only fifty minutes away it was alway aboout 15 degrees warmer. My whole marriage I never went anywhere without my husband, and now i was running constantly.
When I would get to lower elevation it was like something heavy was being lifted off of my chest. I didn't need oxygen. I loved it here. But I missed my house. And I know its just material; its the memories that get me.
I had never really been in a city. this is by no means a big city but it has everything you need. I was used to driving an hour to even get groceries. It was kina nice. I liked hearing neighbors for the first time. Made me feel better, which is weird cause I used to get so mad when someone would build a house around ours in the country. lol.
I like talkig to people and my daughter playing with the neighborhood kids. Little things, that made my life so much easier and my anxiety so much better.
At this time as I was going back and forth i felt good about it cause I felt good at the lower altitude. My grandma was getting sick though, she had allot of things wrong with her. So this was my chance; I took care of her. I loved being with her. It was sad though, she started just functioning, trying to make it through the day. I would try to make her laugh, she would. But you could tell it was jst for me. She also had a back surgery, and I'm sure that she never was the same.
So was trying to help grandma, kept going back and forth, and got a call. My grandma was really sick but wouldn't go to the doctor. She hated when I would come because she know I would call the ambulance. lol. So went down to get grandma to the doctor, well God had a different plan for me.

The right to have firearms?? What do you think?

I received this in email today and although its not really about my life I like to share some of the emails that I get. So tell me what you think. ? First, I should tell you that we have guns, I have never killed anyone. I do not like war. But I love our soldiers. My son is one of them.

THE EMAIL WAS CALLED FIREARMS REFRESHER COURSE.


1. "Those who hammer their guns into plows will plow for those who do not." ~Thomas Jefferson
2. Those who trade liberty for security have neither. ~John Adams
3. Free men do not ask permission to bear arms.
4. An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a subject.
5. Only a government that is afraid of its citizens tries to control them.
6. Gun control is not about guns; it's about control.
7. You only have the rights you are willing to fight for.
8. Know guns, know peace, know safety. No guns, no peace, no safety.
9. You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.
10. Assault is a behavior, not a device.
11. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday.
12. The United States Constitution (c) 1791. All Rights Reserved.
13. The Second Amendment is in place in case the politicians ignore the others.
14. What part of 'shall not be infringed' do you NOT understand?
15. Guns have only two enemies; rust and politicians.
16. When you remove the people's right to bear arms, you create slaves.
17. The American Revolution would never have happened with gun control.

"You have ten minutes" I'm dying

I got up and went to bed. Feeling bad cause it was my anniversary, and I didn't care. Wasn't going to wake up. Got up and put my moms oxygen on thinking I was going to save my own life and was really tired. Weird feeling, slipping into sleep, telling everyone, somethings wrong! I'm not going to wake up take me to the hospital. Now in their defense, I had just gotten out of the hospital and wanted to go back. They said that they didn't want me to catch something at the hospital, my system was weak. It was flu season.It was going to be ok. I was not stopping. "Take me to the hospital or I'm calling the ambulance." I started falling asleep while dad was getting dressed to take me. I wasn't going to wake up.... My little one ran up on me and bumped me which jarred me and I woke up. Out of the blue she said "Take mommy to the hospital."
My oldest daughter insisted on going which was a huge mistake, but I was too sick to argue. So we got to the emergency room and I told them what was going on. That I felt like I wasn't breathing good, something is wrong. I feel like I'm not going to wake up everytime I start to go to sleep. My chest feels like I can't get a good breathe. On and on.
So the nurses put the regular things on me to check vitals and so on. They were all good, everything was fine.
I wasn't giving up. I had to turn into my little bitch mode. I told the nurse well give me something to go to sleep and watch what they do!!!!! I could see my dad and daughters face getting red. They knew I was getting pissed. The nurse leaves.
Doctor comes in and tells me that hes sure I'm having an anxiety attack and everything is fine they are going to give me something to settle down and it may make me sleepy. I was pissed but in my own way was getting what I wanted. I needed to make sure that when I went to sleep, I was still breathing. Started getting groggy. But it was a different feeling.
Went and got several tests. I was thinking about all the money this was going to cost.
Here came the doctor again and said that he found the problem. I had gall stones and one of them was completely blocking my gallbladder. I don't remember reacting. Looked at my dad, daughter, sister-in-law. They had tired, relieved faces. It was in the middle of the night. Maybe that's why they were tired, or maybe they were tired of me being in the hospital, not sure. Probably both. But I was right, something was wrong. But what about my breathing? They were sticking to the anxiety attack. So I got pissy again. "I have had anxiety attacks for 15 years! I know what they feel like! This isn't it! Just relax. So now another surgery for gallbladder, great.
I was tired of waiting, had my sister-in-law go see what was going on. She leaves.
The noises of the machines..... Oxygen level was dropping, looking straight into daughters eyes she looked scared.
I told them.
Doctor comes in followed by sister-in-law and several nurses, what are they all running for. Nurses moving quickly around room. Family looking startled. Doctor says, "This is how people die" you have lots of blood clots in both of your lungs, "We are giving the medicine ten minutes, if its not better you will have to be flown out on flight for life and we will have to put you on life support!" Rolling fast down hospital hall, groggy, nurses telling me drink, drink, hurry. I remember trying to drink while laying down? I'm not sure. They were trying to get heparin, I think its called down me to thin my blood. Out.... Back... "Am I going to die?" nurse says, "No" I remember asking that several times, wanting reassurance. Or was I just thinking it?
Big hospital doors, opening, rolling, opening, fast... fast... fast... Where was I going? Where is my family? Oh God I'm dying. I'm in ICU

Stupid thing I said

I feel so bad for something. I have never said anything so stupid in my life.
So my neighbors have had their house for sale for like a year. I love these people they are an older couple. They have been so good to me and my little girl.
I saw an inspection truck in their drive way yesterday, so I called them. I asked if they sold their house and he was telling me how they had a contract and it looked good. On and on. I said, "I'm going to shoot myself." Like I didn't want other neighbors you know. I don't want these people to leave. ok so let me tell you what happened about a month ago and why thats bad.
We have a pump ditch for water that you turn on and off two days a week to water your lawn. So I saw that he wasn't watering and he usually turns my water on for me, so I went over to check and see if he wanted me to go ahead and turn it off. I go to the door, and she usually answers. It takes a while. He answers and I asked where she was. The conversation goes on and she is in another state. His head ducks, and he said that his grandson committed suicide. My heart stopped I didn't know what to say. And he almost acted ashamed. God for the first time I had a loss for words.
So yesterday not even thinking, I tell him I'm going to shoot myself! What the H was I thinking. I'm so stupid. He said no your not, and thats when in my tiny little brain, I realized what I had said. Shit. I didn't apologize, I just kept listening to him about his plans.
I called my parents and told them. My dad is around the same age. He said. "Oh shit, sis." Then he said that they are smart enough to know its just a figure of speech. It was a mistake, and they know I was just talking. I hope so..... My mom wasn't so nice. lol. She said I always tell you to watch your mouth. OK so I vented, I feel so bad. I would never say anything to hurt someone like that. Shit!!!!

Months later;

The clearest memories were just living day to day. Trying to get through eachday. After months I did start doing a little more. Was the pain gone? Hell no! Was the pain worse? No. Thank God. I had succeeded in getting by that thirty percent chance of having more pain. It was a different pain now. And to this day. It is a dull everlasting pain. Always there. When the brace came off it was as if I had no muscles at all. Started taking muscle relaxers for a while also, which completely screwed me cause I would try to function and do things, get sore, take a pill, do more, get sore, take a pill. Looking back, wasn't giving myself a chance to build muscle. At that point though I was in a mode, a survival mode. I thought that they were kidding when they told me it would be three years before I could even start to live a somewhat "Normal" life. Three years was about right to function. But thats about it. It took about 5 years for me to feel like I had done the right thing. I wasn't afraid of pain, I can take allot of pain. I let the fear of having another surgery cripple myself. Not just my body, but my brain. You do your best, or atleast I hope that I did. We sold our house at this point and moved into a trailor. We were building another one. All of this writing has really made me realize when everything started. The anxiety, depression, sleep disorders. I remember staying up until 4 or 5 in the morning at the trailor. Still got up and got my daughter to school. Went through the whole day, never napped. Seems like I go from one extreme to another. I was defenitely getting depressed at that time and just didn't know what it was. I remember calling my parents and telling them that I couldn't breathe. Going out on the deck in the cold air to get a breathe. My dad even went as far as to see if I had a gas leak in my oven. lol. God. Started to isolate myself. Only went where I absolutely had to. Lived for my kids. And its amazing when your in this mode how you can come up with stuff to do with them, I had them all reading by age of 4. Did lots of stuff together. As long as it was in my comfort zone. I even had a brand new house to look forward too, our dream house. I was just depressed, and come to think of it now, this is when the breathing and anxiety started.

Message for the day!

I don't care if you lick windows,
take the special bus or occasionally pee on yourself.
You hang in there, sunshine –you're friggin' special.
Every sixty seconds you spend angry, upset or mad,
is a full minute of happiness you'll never get back.
Today's Message of the Day is:
Life is short, Break the rules, Forgive quickly, Kiss slowly, Love truly,
Laugh uncontrollably, And never regret anything that made you smile.
Life may not be the party we hoped for,
but while we're here, we should dance.

The start of Depression? Back surgery: Pure Hell

Walked in and my mother-in-law had chicken made. She had come from out of state. I just thought I was hungry. I still remember trying to eat it so she didn't think I was rude. God I still have a hard time eating chicken. Had a water bed which was out of the question for my doctor. Had to get a mattress. It was still laying on my bedroom floor. Went to sleep in my daughters room. Which in hindsight was a good thing. I think she kept me from going crazy. My mom was watching my son, the one year old. She brought him to see me everyday. He didn't want much to do with me. But, when I was making the decision to have the surgery, I planned it knowing what was going to happen. I knew that he wouldn't remember me not being able to take care of him because he was so young. Still bothers me to this day, I would never not have my kids. Completely broke my heart but I was in it now. It was what it was I guess. Just kept thinking that it won't be long. Little did I know.

Laying in bed a few days later and I was sure that my rod had broken. The pain in my back was already unbearable, what did I do? The pain was getting worse, called doctor. He said that I needed to give a urine sample so that he could see where the infection, fever, pain were coming from. There was no way in hell that I was going to make it back to the doctor. I had a great idea, there was a clinic just up the road from me. Called him back and he let me just send one up to it. I had a bladder and kidney infection.

Lying there day after day after day. My daughters room was pink. Walls were getting closer and closer to me. My grandma was watching my little girl. She was always such a good kid, until she turned 17.lol. Anyway, I couldn't take it anymore, called and had them send her to me. I let her sleep with me. Which really made everyone upset. But she was so good about it, I still call her my little pillow. She would lay against me, never hurt me. I was supposed to have a pillow in the back of me but i used her instead. It was so good to have her home.

Finally got to the front room and was sitting on the couch. My husband, mother-in-law and little girl with me. My mother-in-law, out of the damn blue says, you know she, my little girl, doesn't mind very well, she reminds me of ......, her youngest son. She said I never really liked him when he was her age. I flipped a cork. Really screwed myself too cause she was the one who was supposed to take care of me while my husband was working. I told her "Well if you don't like my kid, then you dont like me. And you can pretty much get the hell out!" She left the next morning. I didn't care she was mad anyway and I had only seen her a few times in our marriage.

I learned from that cause she put me in so many bad situations and I was trying to just get through each day. I could not take a shower alone. The doctor said that I couldn't, that if the soap even slipped and I went for it just out of a natural reaction, it would ruin everything cause I couldn't wear my brace in the shower. So I called my mom when I took showers. It was embarrassing enough with her. I barely new my mother-in-law, I wanted my mom in there with me. But it pissed her off and she would pout the whole day. Showers took hours. Or it seemed like it. I dont remember them having chairs for showers then. I have one now but that would have been like heaven. oh well.

I feel bad for writing this part because everyone was doing something; My husband was working, mom was taking care of youngest, but I remember lying there wondering were the hell everyone was. I would get so stiff, waiting, waiting, for someone to roll me over. They had cut muscles of course, and a nerve. I couldn't and still cant feel anything on the right side of my bellybutton. When my daughter needed something to drink, I would go into a mode. Had to do it. I would go to the frig, sit down on the floor with a cup and just tip the milk and pour it into the cup cause i was too weak to lift the milk. Hindsight: could have gotten a smaller thing of milk.

I can remember this day like it was yesterday; Well actually it was probably a month of days like this. My dad was putting a helipad in at the clinic I mentioned. Very small town. I could here his equipment running. Would wait for that sound of it shutting down. I knew that he was coming to roll me over. Listened for his foot steps coming down the sidewalk, it seems stupid but to get rolled felt so good. I was stuck in one position until someone would roll me.

I waited for little things, seeing my babies, my work-a-holic husband to get home, the next pain pill, which were taken after a month and I was given tylenol. yea they really helped. not.

I held grudges at the time. Where was everyone???? I guess they didn't like to see me like that. People just don't understand.

I remember a girl coming by that I knew but we weren't close at all. It was so nice. My mom was having a fit because she brought her kids and they were always afraid one of them would bump me or that I wouldn't be thinking and try to hold one of them. But it helped me. My grandfather came with his wife, brought me flowers from her garden, God that made my day, they were beautiful. One of my aunts came over on her lunch break and shaved my legs. My grandma and other aunt brought me a home-made milkshake. Those are the only ones that I remember.

I was still sending my daughter to my grandmas everyday, but she would come home at night. Thank God.

Month after month went by. I was moving but still dependent on everything for everyone. By moving I mean someone would get me up and I would walk around my house. I think this is when I started going into depression. I didn't care if I took showers, if I ate, if I made it through the damn day. I was making it for my kids. That's it.

Here comes depression; First 3 sugeries

Well the first two were not bad. C-Section, then I got my appendix removed. The third one; My back surgery forever changed the person I am or have to be.

When I was around 12 my spine started to curve; I don't remember but maybe two days even in school not being in pain. I tried not to let it get the best of me. I played volleyball, basketball, some track, was a cheerleader. They actually found my scoliosis during a sports physical. God that was a long time ago. I did you to the doctor but they said that I didn't need a brace because the curvature wasn't bad enough. Big relief for me, cause I was a kid and wanted to play my sports. I can't remember ever even taking a Tylenol back then. Which isn't the case now. Anyway, as I had my babies, my spine curved more with each kid. The pain became unbearable. I was about 22 with two kids and went to several doctors. Every time they said that I needed surgery. This was not an easy decision though. Who was going to take care of the babies, me, everything. I used to do so many things, loved sports, loved allot of things.

Finally went to childrens hospital where there was a doctor that everyone said was the best and I was able to make an appointment with her. She said that I needed surgery and they were talking about a new type of back surgery where you go through the stomach to place the rod. I left so confused. We had no insurance, it was going to be like 80,000 and so I would have to try to get some help. Overwhelming.

I decided to go to several more doctors to find one that would absolutely not do a surgery unless it had to be done. I didn't need a friend, didn't care if they had bed side manners, just needed someone straight to the point. Its weird how i was thinking when I went to each one. I didn't judge them but I was looking for someone who wasn't too young, too old. Not to be rude just wanted someone with experience but yet knew of the new procedure that they were saying I needed. After several months of driving two kids an hour from our house to the closest doctors I found a doctor who had the reputation of never doing a surgery unless it had to be done, especially back surgeries.

Went into his office, he came in and wasn't real friendly, kinda seemed overloaded? He looked at my x-rays and told me that if I didn't have surgery I would be in a wheelchair at 30. Not allot of options there, I had two babies to raise. I was told that the surgery would be approx. 6-8 hours, two weeks at least in the hospital, they couldn't guarantee that my pain would go away and that it was a good possibility I could have more. I thought that was impossible at the time. I had like a 30 percent chance of being paralyzed. And remember feeling well compared to the pain I'm in i don't care. Would not be able to care for myself for a long time. In fact before they did the surgery my whole family had to go down and agree to take care of me for a long time. Like a year. I could not lift more than a gallon of milk for months and would be in a brace for six months. Some of my times may be off a little its hard to remember that long ago. This is when I started fearing everything.

They decided to go through my stomach or side. I guess this was the best option for me because I was curving but also my body was turning or twisting. I have a scar from the right side of my bellybutton, clear around the side of me , and it ends at my spine towards the middle. Big scar.



I was scared, and really was never the same. I wonder if all the time I was under anesthesia didn't help so much.



AFTER SURGERY AND TIME IN THE HOSPITAL



Seriously, I wanted to die. The pain was unbearable and why didn't someone stay at the hospital with me? I had an iv in my neck to pump pain medication in me when I pushed the button. I kept pushing it. Over and over. No relief. I tried to call the nurse but whoever cleaned my room forgot to put the call button thing on the bed where I could reach it. I didnt have a thing on the bed it was one of those big things they attached to the beds where you push the button. I couldn't move. I couldn't role on my own. I would wait for someone to walk down the hall at night and yell help, help me, please someone come in here. I need help. Finally a nurse came in and I told her I was soaking wet, needed to be changed, and that the pain was unbearable. She said it was from post surgery and to push button as much as needed. I pushed it all night. Was soaked again, and again.

I looked and saw the phone called the doctor, I was a total bitch by then. He came in and shit hit the fan. So glad I picked him.... Come to find out the iv had slipped out and was going down my hospital gown all night. Thats why I was so soaked. He went nuts. And I got pretty good care after that. I just wonder how much I had messed myself up trying to get the call button . Not having pain medication after that horrible surgery.

They had to deflate one of my lungs, which never fully got any better, I had tube going to my lungs to get fluid out, bag on me so i didn't have to get up to go to the bathroom. God it was horrible.



My husband brought my 1 year old and 3 year old in to see me. My baby wouldn't even look at me. Broke my heart. I remember these kids, they were bringing this thing in to stretch me it looked like one of those things that you lay on and turn yourself upside down to stretch you back. I wasn't having that; no chance. I didn't care, I already felt like my back was going to collapse. They fused three or four vertebrae and took one of my ribs to fuse onto my back where they had put several screws in me. Thats why I was in a cast for so long, needed time to grow around my rod and make its own bone. I can remember my mom being there and she kept saying, please be nice, be nice. After that first night though, hell I dont know if it was the first, second, third. I was in a self protect mode.

I kinda screwed myself by trying so hard not to hurt myself. when i called the doctor and told them that I wasn't getting on that thing, he said ok, but it is used to get you used to standing so that when we fit you for the brace you wont pass out because you haven't been out of bed for so long that its going to be tough for you to stand that long. I told him I could do it. lol.

To guys come in to fit me for my brace; back then they were like braces that you get put on when you break your arm or leg. Hard, the ones that you write on. I dont know what they use now. I stood up and they started wrapping wet stuff around, around, around, I was getting light headed. They said hold on we are almost done, I knew I was going to pass out. Just kept hearing them say hold on and wrapping faster and faster. Yea next thing i know, I hear, Shes going. Done. I passed out. But they did get done. God that brace was heavy, I could take it on or off, kept it for years, threw it away. Wish I had it now.
It was time to go home; I was scared, I had had allot of nurses and doctors taking care of me. What now?
Drove home in my moms van; Laying on the seat in the back. Crawling to get back there cause I couldn't bend. Was wishing I would just die there. I was so hungry which was weird, remember telling them, and they just kept getting me home. Had to stop and get meds. GOD, why dont they just call those damn things in! The trip home was about two hours, every bump felt like I was getting hit in the back with a hammer.




I have tucked all of the pain inside for so long, but almost made me afraid to do anything the last 20 years for fear I would have to have another one. Completely dependent on everyone else for everything I did. Showers, they had to roll me, feed me, everything. Everyone was doing there best I'm sure. They told me to never ski, ride horses, anything that would push or impact my back. I was a kid though, well allot younger than now. I let the fear completely control my life. I know several people who have had this surgery and it didn't work so they had a second, third, fourth. I just can't.



AT HOME:

Waking up in anxiety attack

Woke up this morning with my stomach going in circles. Kinda like when you ride a roller coaster. Its scary when you wake up with these. I thought that I heard something in my house but had my German shepherd right next to me and she was fine. I knew I was just hearing things. But I was like frozen in fear. Where your so scared your body freezes. Ok what do I do. Breathe, I had to tell myself.Because what I do is hold my breathe. Took me a long time to realize that I can stop these attacks by breathing. So I'm sitting here at 3a.m. writing this down so that I don't forget what I'm feeling. I have to get up kinda the flight mode where you want to run. But i tell you, If you do get up when you have them it gives you time to remember to get your breathing under control. And there is just no sense in laying in bed going through this. Try not to think too much. Although, I was just thinking about my dreams. I remember them, I was dreaming that I was going on these rides and getting sick to my stomach. So something was bothering me. Its like when you dream that you hurt your hand and you wake up and your hand is numb from sleeping weird on it. I do not have anxiety attacks as bad as I used to and allot of it is just the knowledge of what they are and what to do with them. I knew that I was getting nervous last night. I have so much to do today. I usually only do a couple things a day that are extras. Like when I pay bills. Some people get really bad anxiety attacks when they pay bills. So here is what I have learned to do. Instead of paying them all at once. I will do one or two a day. Get them done and stop. I try to make doctor appointments between me and my daughter only one a month if that. I make sure she gets hers. Mine are kinda a waist of my time after fifteen years theres not much more they can tell me. They just have to see me because of my meds. I take citalopram for depression. I think that's a generic. It is supposed to have an anxiety helper in it. And alprazolam, generic for xanax, for anxiety. I know what they say about xanax but its the only thing in the last fifteen years that lets me function. So many people have problems with the meds. When people call me i ask them what meds they are on and they say, well I was feeling better so I went off of them. OMG I have done that out of pure guilt several times. I really do think that some people can take them for a half a year and not need them anymore. Not me. Been there done that. And the guilt was causing me so much anxiety so I had to make a choice, I have a family, finally found what works and may be on them for the rest of my life. Its worth it to be able to function on a day to day basis. If I can get off of them someday that would be great, if not then that's fine too. I have to think like that. Its not those of us who have anxiety attacks that really have a problem with the meds. Well I think we all have some self guilt. But its also our family, husbands, etc. saying you don't need meds to get through this. How do they know? Have they ever had one.????? Do what you need to do for yourself because being able to just function is probably your goal if your going through alot of them right now.

WHATEVER

Do you ever feel like your body doesn't recognize being excited over something or being anxious. I start to get excited about something in my life and have a damn anxiety attack over it. Everyone is happy, sad, has one emotion or another. It seems when you have anxiety you body can't tell whether its a good emotion or a bad one. Maybe its just me.... My little one is starting school here in a week or so. I'm starting the WHAT IFS again. Have to stop it. OK maybe I will just take some deep breaths. lol. My son is going to IRAQ in a few months and I cant tell you what thats doing to me. I'm very proud of him. And very proud to be an American. But it litterally makes me sick to my stomach. Oh some good news today. I know you thinking really? She only writes about depressing things. lol. I took a bike ride today and didnt even get a flat tire. I got my bumm out of bed and worked in the yard, went to see my parents, called some friends, played some game with my older kids. They whipped my butt. Played with my grandbaby. Thats about all it takes for me to have a good day. Just little things. Oh and my favorite word for the week is WHATEVER If I dont like what someone is saying or they are trying to get me stressed out i just say WHATEVER. Actually, it worked and kinda makes them mad. But whatever.

Putting Anxiety to Rest for now

I just want to say a few more things about anxiety, then I will stop on this subject. But please, If anyone reads this and is wondering if I have felt what your feeling, or any questions about my experiences please just ask.

I guess what I have probably learned the most from anxiety attacks and when I get them in my life is that they are a signal for you to take a breathe and slow down. Literally. But really maybe it is just your bodies way of telling you slow down, take a breathe, I'm tired.

I think that an anxiety attack can happen without warning and usually do with me. If it is happening when you are sleeping its really scary. My doctor called it "Busy sleeping" which I guess means even though you are trying to sleep you are still thinking. I used to add my checkbook up in my sleep, make a list of crap I had to do the next day, even make my bed while I was asleep. Well I thought I was. It was a bunch of little stuff, but I was amazed at how accurate i was with my checking account. lol

I still have problems with change; I hate change and really need to work on that. It freaks my system out. I hate appointments or something that I have to do and usually still cancel although not near as much.

I've learned that sleep is so very important. And yea I've went through those times where I didn't sleep for days. It sucks. I do take something to sleep, I have to, if I don't get sleep my depression and anxiety go crazy.

You cant die from this awful crap. Although you feel like you are. Even if you pass out. I asked my doctor what happens when you pass out, do you die. She said that no actually your brain resets and its actually better when you come too. Although I would never pass out if I had the choice and its hard for that to make you feel better when you are driving your kids around.

SO you have to breathe and what happens is something to do with when you hyperventilate you are exhaling too much carbon dioxide compared to the amount of oxygen that you have in your blood stream . That's why they put a bag over your mouth. Although some think this might be more dangerous now. I still cant do that but i will cup my hands over my mouth and nose then take in ten deep breaths. While I'm doing that I try to slow down my breathing.


Ask your family if they had or have it. They will probably say no cause you cant talk about it I guess, like it makes you a weak person, but I bet one of them do. Also, with depression. My mom told me one day "I think you need an anti-depressant" I said well how would a person know. She said well I'm on them. I proceeded to tell her that It would have been very helpful to know that years ago. lol. I never knew it. Like I said I guess they think its a weakness.

I still want to just take off and flee when I have one; Its like you just want to jump out of your body or start running away. Its normal. Although it sucks. I pace allot too. And my family can tell when I'm getting anxious because I will talk allot. Fast, and mix up my words. They don't know that I'm doing that just to mess with them. lol. Not really

Something that was really painful to me although I am getting a handle on it was the burning in my chest. It felt like something was just burning right through me from the inside. I was told by my doctor that it is the acid in your stomach, It comes up your chest and that's why it burns. I think I used to carry mylanta. I think that's what I used to carry in my purse. might want to check on that before using for the burning in your chest. lol.

I had a huge fear of dying, it controlled my life. I fear others dying also. After getting blood clots and really almost dying that fear has somewhat went away. And for those of you who believe in God, I have to say, when you feel completely overwhelmed, just tell him to take all of your worries, it is in his control. And like my uncle and God father told me, "When you say it you have to actually let him" I still catch myself saying it then the next day start my crap again and try to be in control of everything.

If you let people know what you are going through I promise you will find someone who is too and is just probably embarrassed to say it. which i have no idea why. I don't care I just tell them now. But I had to get to that point. It used to be so important for me for people to understand what I was going through. But you really cant think like that or your just setting yourself up for a let down. How could they if they haven't had one? And do they really even care? I don't know. It took along time for me to get to the point where if someone doesn't understand. Oh well. If they dont care, then they aren't worth having around. You dont need someone to even understand if you can just find someone who will let you talk and listen. I swear to God that took them right away with me if someone would just listen. If you cant find someone then I will listen.... Just have to tell me.

The "What ifs" Oh my God did I do this. Everything was well what if, what if, what if. Well after doing this with my doctor for over an hour she turned it on me. She would say well what if. What is the worst, very worst thing that can happen. Start asking yourself that. Its good. Well what if my house isnt clean. Umm nobody comes here anyway. Well what if I die. Umm you die. That one is still hard for me. Well what if she doesn't understand and they think I'm crazy. Well then screw them. Maybe they are the crazy ones. lol.

And last; Your going to get better. You are. You just have to sort your life and figure out what makes them worse, better, how to breathe, the right medications (If you believe in medication),
find good people who make you feel good. Seriously, it takes time but it does get better. Try not to over think everything, which i still do from time to time. When your up in the middle of the night don't sit there and think about stuff. Do a crossword, watch a movie, something that will take you mind off everything that you don't control anyway. And I'm sorry if this offends anyone but once in a while you have to just say F it. Maybe for a whole day. whatever it takes. Thank you for letting me go on and on. I hope that I have helped even one person. And I will make posts on anything else that I forgot to mention, things that may help you, or when I have another damn anxiety attack. Talk to you tomorrow. lololol. Just kidding

I wanted to die; but God took her instead

I overheard my mom talking on the phone one day. She was telling someone how tired she was and didn't feel good. She was on oxygen and I was sitting there letting her take care of me and my kids. I don't think she would have had it any other way. So I called my grandma and was crying hysterically, I told her she had to take me to my house. Well I pretty much begged. I can't believe how I just called and wanted them to be right there for me. Guess that's what you do when you are desperate. I really wouldn't have cared if I just laid there and died if I didn't have my kids. She stayed with us for about a half a year. Yea this crap doesn't just go away. My grandma was my best friend from the time I was little. She was an angel from heaven. The best person you would ever meet. I would watch her bathe, dress, play, sing, feed, etc. my little one. Just watch her. She was like sixty. I knew she would never not take care of them. I can remember looking down from my bedroom in the middle of the night and watching her feed and rock her to sleep. I felt guilty, but not enough to go take my baby. This wasn't like me. I always had my kids in my arms. When she left, my safe person was leaving. I felt so overwhelmed. But it may have been what I needed. I don't know. I pretty much followed her to her house which was fifty minutes away and would stay for weeks at a time. She never said anything, but thinking back I bet she wished she could just get a break. One of the worst things ever in my life was when she died three years ago. I tried so hard to be strong, I didn't want to go down again. But I couldn't be strong. I would just like to have one more conversation with her. I tried to pay her back for everything by taking care of her when she was sick. And you know how people say that they love you..... but you know they are full of shit. She loved me and she loved my kids. I only hope that someday I will get the chance to help someone like she helped me. And guess what I am taking care of my daughter, I'm getting healthier, and yes I'm still on meds. Don't think I will ever go off of them again. I've tried out of guilt from others. I've pretty much decided that addicted or not I'm going to be on this medication forever. Although, I'm so happy for those of you who can take it for a few months then go off. I think that's how its supposed to work. I don't know.

How did I get like this???

It about four in the morning. Can't sleep. Starting to write about all of this stuff has really brought back memories. I don't know if that is so good. I was just wondering when and how I started changing. I don't remember ever not being in pain. Well there was one day that I didn't have any and I called my parents. I told them this is what people feel like when they don't have pain all of the time. I was informed that everyone has pain somewhere. But I have actually met people who don't have pain. I had scoliosis at like eleven, it just got worse every year. Yes, I'm one of those girls who got married at 16. Not recommend but I'm still married, so we have done something right. I had my first baby at seventeen. I wasn't depressed then, I can remember being happy and full of life. Had my second kid at 20. Wasn't depressed then. So I guess it started after my back surgery. I was about 21. That surgery is a whole other story. OMG, I don't know if I could do that again. Although its bound to happen. OK not thinking about that right now. I think it was the year that I spent in bed, completely dependent on someone for everything. Had my first anxiety attack at25 will never forget that. Its kinda funny now, although I would rather have another surgery than have them all of the time. I have to tell you that story in my next post. I was so full of life what the H happened to me? Went nuts at 30 when I had my third unexpected baby, which come to find out was a huge blessing my life. But the postpartum depression sucked. I am functioning now and healthier than I've been in ten years but its been a struggle. I think stress will kill you. lol. not really funny. Recently, well 3 years ago, had to move to lower elevation after building our dream home. This was all due to me getting blood clots and I cant breathe at higher elevation. That made my husband happy. not. So starting over. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger? I'm sure that is true but I need some strength fast. The crazy thing is I'm pretty sure that people just try to stress me out. They are like oh she feels good today lets mess with her. Everyone is tired of me always having a surgery, depression, anxiety; I wonder if they think I enjoy it? Oh and I'm a grandma now. I love that baby. I swear to God if everyone could just act like kids do. They enjoy everything. The little things. The lesson I've learned after I was given 10 minutes before I was put on life support for blood clots. Making it through it and still kicking;

ENJOY THE LITTLE THINGS. I KNOW THAT'S A SAYING THAT IS ALWAYS USED BUT REALLY IT WILL MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER. LOOK AT LIFE LIKE A TWO YEAR OLD DOES, WITHOUT THE TEMPER TANTRUMS.

"SAFE PEOPLE"

I call them safe people; I had maybe three when I was going through depression and anxiety attacks at 25. Then again at 30 with postpartum depression. They all had there own little areas in my life. One of them was my "safe person" to take me to the doctor. Another I would need to be around all of the time or I would actually get more anxious. And so on....... I wasn't independent at all!!!!!!!!!! And my kids were huge in functioning everyday. which was unfair to them. But if I didn't have my kids around me I felt completely empty. Its kinda funny cause if you dont have them around you its bad but when they are around you, all you want is a few minutes alone. I know sounds crazy. My husband always tells me im still like that. If they arent here I miss them. If they are I need a break.? Or they drive me nuts after like thirty minutes. lol. This only includes the 23 and 21 year old. My nine year old doesnt get on my nerves yet. lol. I have a dry sense of humor and as I keep writing you will see that I find myself funny. Most people dont. I dont know what to tell you. I guess either you think some of the things I write will be funny or you wont. Something all of this has taught me

DONT TAKE YOURSELF OR LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY! ITS OVER BEFORE YOU KNOW IT. WHEN YOUR DEPRESSED ITS GREAT TO LAUGH OR EVEN SMILE... AND YOU CAN EITHER LAUGH OR CRY; ITS UP TO YOU; OR YOU CAN DO BOTH. WHATEVER.