I wanted to die; but God took her instead

I overheard my mom talking on the phone one day. She was telling someone how tired she was and didn't feel good. She was on oxygen and I was sitting there letting her take care of me and my kids. I don't think she would have had it any other way. So I called my grandma and was crying hysterically, I told her she had to take me to my house. Well I pretty much begged. I can't believe how I just called and wanted them to be right there for me. Guess that's what you do when you are desperate. I really wouldn't have cared if I just laid there and died if I didn't have my kids. She stayed with us for about a half a year. Yea this crap doesn't just go away. My grandma was my best friend from the time I was little. She was an angel from heaven. The best person you would ever meet. I would watch her bathe, dress, play, sing, feed, etc. my little one. Just watch her. She was like sixty. I knew she would never not take care of them. I can remember looking down from my bedroom in the middle of the night and watching her feed and rock her to sleep. I felt guilty, but not enough to go take my baby. This wasn't like me. I always had my kids in my arms. When she left, my safe person was leaving. I felt so overwhelmed. But it may have been what I needed. I don't know. I pretty much followed her to her house which was fifty minutes away and would stay for weeks at a time. She never said anything, but thinking back I bet she wished she could just get a break. One of the worst things ever in my life was when she died three years ago. I tried so hard to be strong, I didn't want to go down again. But I couldn't be strong. I would just like to have one more conversation with her. I tried to pay her back for everything by taking care of her when she was sick. And you know how people say that they love you..... but you know they are full of shit. She loved me and she loved my kids. I only hope that someday I will get the chance to help someone like she helped me. And guess what I am taking care of my daughter, I'm getting healthier, and yes I'm still on meds. Don't think I will ever go off of them again. I've tried out of guilt from others. I've pretty much decided that addicted or not I'm going to be on this medication forever. Although, I'm so happy for those of you who can take it for a few months then go off. I think that's how its supposed to work. I don't know.