Postprtum Depression II- The worst things I've ever been through

For the past nine years I have tried to put postpartum depression out of my mind. It was the hardest time in my life and I cant seem to get past it. I cant afford a therapist so I'm going to write about it and share my story. My story is long and I remember almost too much about it. But with the hope of just helping one person get through it I'm going to write about it. I guess although I think about it allot, the thing that bothers me is that so many women go through it and are afraid to talk about it. Well don't be with me. I don't care what people say about it being in your head or all of the other things. Its real and its not funny. You do get better but when your going through it you feel completely alone, even when you have people around you. And to be fair they really don't know what to do, but at the time I took it as most of them didn't even care. It was my problem. And when you are that low it is hard to come out of it without help. The biggest help will be to talk to someone who has had it. Or it was for me.



I knew that i was not feeling right before i had my last child. And since I'm calling the this the truth i will tell you that before i had her i was on antidepressants and anxiety medication. I went off all of it when i found out that i was pregnant. When I got home i was sooo sick and i called the doctor; he said it was just from such a long labor. God i wish i would have been wiser. I had a fever and it turned out that i had staph infection. I literally fell in my mom and dads door. This was with my 12 and 10 year old. Allot of this is going to be hard to share; The medication kept switching, so i would get on one it wouldn't work then go through with drawls, or i thought i was and then try another one. Please realize that this is what i remember. I was trying to take care of the baby, I was so sick. I remember sitting above my moms heater breast feeding the baby. I should have had her on formula but the doctors wanted me to keep trying to feed her. I was shaking and trying to get warm over that heater. Finally, I just didnt care anymore. I loved my kids so much and had always taken really good care of them but I just couldnt. I did have the sense to get to my moms. She started taking care of the kids. Thank God. I remember at night it felt like a dark cloud was just surrounding my body and a horrible sadness fell over me. Laying in my moms bed and listening to that clock ticking thousands of times. Crying uncontrollably for hours and hours. And people think your just feeling sorry for yourself when you say you want to die. I didnt really but you do feel like a burden. I always think of anxiety and the depression and i used to compare my brain to a ball full of marbles. You try to just get one marble; which would be a thought; and you cant grasp it. you are overloaded and so many things are going through yur mind that its hard to just talk about one thing. I still have that problem so dont get mad if i skip subjects once in a while. lol.