Back to the simple things in life: "Its raining Leaves!"

Seems like its either the the little kids who don't know a whole lot or the older people who know oh so much that are the ones who can make you stop and think... We go through life everyday worrying about things that are not in our control, we simply can't do anything about, or we want to change things to our satisfaction. I am guilty of this and need to work on it.

When something is really bothering me in my life I usually turn to my dad. He is 64, calm, realistic, I have only seen him mad a few times and that is scary. Sometimes its the quiet ones you have to watch. lol. His answers always seem to be the same but yet I still want to hear them. Although sometimes it pisses me off, I know that he is right. He always tells me to be realistic about things, not to go on and on about it. "It is what it is" oh my God do you know how many times I have heard that. It seems that I listen to him for the day but need it repeated several times a week. I am getting better as I get older. Almost too damn calm. The things that used to drive me crazy ten years ago aren't even on my mind now. And the things that I never thought about ten years ago, I worry about. Its a frustrating, never ending circle.

My husband is another person that puts things into perspective for me. Although I dont think he worries enough about family, kids, etc. like I do. Maybe he worries and just doesn't say anything and maybe he really doesn't give a shit. lol. I can tell him something that is bothering me and he says. So? pisses me off.  He says "I dont even know why you let shit like that bother you," and "There is no reason to take an ass chewing over the phone."  He is a good person but doesn't give a shit what people think about him and I need that when I'm in my worry about everything that I can't do shit about mode. I will tell him that I have to do this and that and I don't know how I'm going to get it all done. He says, "You dont have to" and thats it.

Then there are kids. If we could all just look through a three year olds' eyes a few times a day. Listen to the different sounds. Enjoy the little pebbles on our walks that they pick up and save. Notice the colors, smells, and small things in life.

I was stressedddddd out the other day. Had a house full of twenty something year olds. Toddlers, family. Needed to pack and started my damn lists. My daughter comes in and says some guy wants to talk to you outside about your trees. I'm thinking son of a b. what else. So I go out there and he asks me if I like my elm tree because its not looking too good and some of the branches were getting ready to touch the power line so they were going up the road and cutting them away from the lines. My response. Yes. I love my tree. He was probably in his twenties, nice kid and I have all this stuff to do but didn't want to seem rude. He talks about all the trees I have etc. As I'm walking back in I took a deep breath outside, looked around and seemed to feel less stressed. I'm walking in a I have girls saying "He could cut me trees anytime" oh god I felt old at that point. 

Then my day was made... My neice was standing out on the front porch. It is screened and she could only see eye level, or thats the only place she was looking. I sit down in the chair about ready to explode and she says. "Well this isn't supposed to happen" she is two but can talk really well. Her eyes were huge and she was looking outside. I asked her what wasn't supposed to happen? She said "It's raining trees!" I had to smile. Knelt down to take a look at what her little world was like right then. Sure enough all she could see was the branches falling fromt he trees. Five minutes later it was "Raining Gold Leaves" I took a peak at her view again. It was beautiful. Big, Beautiful, Golden leaves falling from the sky. My heart felt better, anxiety was fading. I thought F it, I don't care what I have to do. I shut the door and lifted her up to the couch. We watching it rain leaves and trees for about twenty minutes. It was beautiful! We talked about the pretty roads and how they looked like golden paths. A two year old, almost three brought me back to what I need to do in life. Enjoy the little things, and always watch it rain leaves...

I called all of the other kids out. The twenty something year olds. Made them kneel down and watch it rain leaves. I'm sure they think I'm nuts. I told them enjoy it, you know it doesnt rain leaves very often. The two year old said "Yea, cause its not supposed to happen."

Swine flu? Flu? Whats the difference?

Yep gave all of us bad luck by saying we were going to be in hotel sick this weekend. Damn. I don't know what the difference between the swine flu and the flu is.??? Do you? We were walking through the aquarium and I swear to God it hit me so hard I was sitting places that people were walking over me. I was weak, my back felt like it was going to litterally break in half. I don't know if thats because when you get sick it settles in the part of your body that your the weakest or has had surgery or what? I couldn't make it thank God I had my 23 year old with me. I went into the car and turned the heater on as high as it could go. Shaking, hot to the touch but no fever at first. I was looking on the tom tom to see where the nearest hospital was then decided against that. I was thinking shit what if I were to get admitted what would my kids do? We were like three hours from home. I also got the flu shot! So I dont damn know. My daughter drove us to the hotel and thank God I decided to spend money for my little ones bday and stay there because there was valet parking, got into the hotel room and litterally could not move. I swear if I would have had to get my own medicine I couldn't have. The cough is horrible. It starts out just a little cough and within two hours your coughing so much that your chest feels like it is going to explode. I was sucking on my daughter inebulizer for her asthma just to breathe. My daughter took the girls to the pool and I knew I was going to toss it but couldn't get out of bed to do it. Finally damn near crawled to the bathroom and just got the trash can. Got back in bed and well to put it lightly damn near puked my brains out. My nose starts bleeding and I've never had a bloody nose, well maybe once. I was trying to wear a mask so that I didn't get my grandbaby and daughter sick, it was actually a lifesaver for me, I don't know if its because I was breathing in warm air which helped me not to cough as much or what. I remember the last time I got the flu and this was definetely the flu but I have to idea what kind?? Alka Seltzer and tylenol were the two meds that helped the most I'm still taking tylenol because if I don't I can feel the chills coming on. I don't know what meds my daughter gave me forsure but I finally got to sleep. The fever broke that night and I felt pretty good the next morning so I went to the Gymnastics meet. By the time it was over we were all sicker than hell. And there were people right by us telling us that their kids all had the swine flu. uuugggghhhh.
The baby started coughing and I felt so bad. Its terrible how grown-ups can tell you they are sick and poor little babies cant. My daughter called the hospital. She was about to have a nervous breakdown and was scared to death. They told her not to take the baby to a doctors office or a hospital!!!!! Give her tylenol. She feels ok tonight. I wonder how long this lasts? Let me know if youv'e had it please. Cause my little one started getting sick on thursday night and still gets the chills after the tylenol wears off. I need to have her go to the doctor I guess but they dont' want to see her unless she has a high fever??? I'm confused.

Quick tips for moms: How to get your kids to clean up their messes!!!!!!

TIMES UP!!!!

I actually have learned a few things that might help others as far as kids go. Actually I would say that the only thing I'm really good at is raising my kids. I have tried alot of things to get help picking the house up; this is the one that worked everytime.

I think the best way to get them to help you pick up the house is;

You set the timer or kitchen timer, I even do this with my nine year old. Just set it for two or three minutes. Maybe even one minute for the real little ones. Caution: This does not work if they are still crawling or if they are over the age of 17! lol.

So anyway tell them that you are going to set the timer for two minutes, everyone starts in a different room (I found this will defuse any fighting over who made what mess). Its a game to them and I haven't seen a kid that won't to it. I even do it when I sub. Sorry keep interupting myself.

So everyone starts, tell them to pick their stuff up first and that they have to put it in the correct place or it doesnt count. Before you even start offer a prize, not for the winner, but for the family. It doesn't have to cost money. Just tell them If we get this done we can go to the park or whatever they like to do. It will make them want to play.

After the timer goes off dont freak out if its not all done: Switch rooms and you do your two minutes too! It will make them work harder.

So everyone goes in a circle to each room, you handle the cleaning sprays etc. unless they are old enough. You will find that each of them like to do certain things or are really good at them. Like cleaning mirrors, my older ones sucked at it, my younger one is great at it.

They do as much as they can in the two or three minutes then stop and move on. If you figure two or three kids plus you at two or three minutes each, that is 8 to 12 minutes on every room! You will be amazed at how clean it is!

Once that timer goes off STOP: Dont tell them everything they did wrong, save that. Go have some family time and do what you said that you would. Kids aren't stupid, follow through and it will work.

One thing that you will run in to is that one kid will say "I picked up my stuff but the timer is still going" this is a perfect time for them to learn that its important to help others in life. I wouldn't make them pick up the older kids stuff, but first remind them that everything needs to be in place and that maybe they could help the younger ones or you with something. I used to have a little list of extras incase they were finished. Which doesn't happen alot. Like feed the dog, or animals.

This used to save my whole day. And to be honest I would usually do it an hour before their dad got home.lol. Or it just gets messed up again. Then it was clean the next morning.

It is also a good idea to have a little trash can in each room or bag and for the older ones the cleaning stuff they need, that way everyone isn't running up, down, and around taking as much time as possible to run the timer out. lol. Took me a while to learn that. lol.

I do this almost daily with my nine year old and myself. When my older ones are here they have to do it too. I dont make the baby though. lol. In their minds they are thinking what is two minutes?? nothing? but it adds up. You might also want to set the timer and just have them sit there to watch how fast it goes. It will seem so easy for them.

Hope this helps someone: It has made my life much easier.

still; quiet; just taking in every moment

I haven't been feeling too good and was resting this afternoon.  My son came home from the base and stopped by. I had my oxygen on... sucks... laying in bed and heard him coming in. I am having a hard time talking to him without crying so I kinda said hi and pretended that I had went back to sleep. He layed down by me with his camo on and big damn boots that I would normally have a fit about. They have been working long hours and you can tell that he is just exhausted. He was asleep within a minute or two and I was listening to him breathe. It was calm and then fast, then faster, he was jumping like he was dreaming. I tried to just ignore it and let him get a few minutes sleep.

I was cherishing this moment although hes alot bigger than I am now, hes still my little boy in a way. His face is like a childs when he is sleeping. The freckles, blonde hair, little ears, blonde eye brows and eyelashes. When you are just looking at his face its as if your laying next to your five year old again.

I think he knew I wasn't sleeping though when he woke up. He put his arm around me, gave me a kiss on the cheek, and said "I love you mom"

He stands up and hes tall now. Camo, boots, just keeps going. Hes a kind and good kid with a generous heart. And can go from that to pissed off real fast. Hes very protective of his family and his country. I'm almost glad that he can get an anger issue fast for the first time in my life. It may keep him alive.

He will be leaving for death valley in a couple of weeks. Back for five days for Christmas and Thanksgiving, then we won't see him for like a year an a half. He is leaving us at the age of 20, will be landing in Iraq, or wherever they tell him on his 21st birthday, and will spend I think fifteen months there. So with Gods help I will see him when he is 22 again.

He will not be at this base near us when he leaves which is sad but I think may help us all. I am really sure that if I had to tell him bye right before he went over I would just have a nervous breakdown.

We are best friends in so many ways, but so much alike that we can get on eachothers nerves after a few hours. I would die for him but yet he is the one that is willing to die for me and my freedom.

I am going to truely have to put this in Gods hands before I seriously have a nervous breakdown. And I will but I have to write about it at  night or I just think, think, think. I know that I need to stay positive like he is. I havent said anything negative to him for a long time and I'm so proud of what a man hes become. I'm just going to miss him so much. He is the jokester in our family, he could make anyone laugh. Im going to miss that. He is the exact person or son that I wanted to raise.

You know how when your kids are little and you say I hope they turn out to be this, this, this, and this. Well he is everything I hoped he would be and more.

Best present for your wife!

Ok so I know that its kinda a rule not to get your wife something to clean with for a present but I have wanted one of these since they came out. I never got it until I bought it for myself and I swear its the best thing I've ever bought myself. The iRobot Roomba! you know the vacume. If your wife is the one who vacumes and hates it or has problems because she is too busy, just doesn't do it, or has medical issues, anything. I swear to God it is a miracle. Call me lazy I don't care. I love it.
I waited for two months to tell my parents and husband that I got it because I new they would just think I was lazy but vacumming killed my back and made my day hell afterward. I would hide it under my bed and vacume while my husband was gone. lol.  I even hid it from my older kids.
So we were having my daughters baby shower and my mom asked me to vacume, she started asking a month before the shower was even here. I told her I would that morning. Pissed her off. But  I took my iRobot over and turned it on. It vacummed her house and she ordered one the next day. She says its the best thing that she has ever bought and that she would damn near trade dad for it. lol. I don't think she is kidding.
Now just a warning: For the first two weeks I spent hours watching it work. I kinda felt sorry for it. lol. My husband knows that I have it now but hes only seen it run once. Just turn it on and go lay down and take a nap!
I here that guys clean now! I always made my son help but how great that would be to get help cleaning. So guys just go buy one, hide it, and when your wife gets home she will be so happy. lol.
You can even set them to where they clean while your at work.
K I have a big day ahead and its going to be exhausting; have to vacume.

My new best friend is a GPS

So I have been taking my daughter to gymnastic meets every weekend. I borrowed my sons gps because I had no fing idea how to get there and the anxiety started to build. People laugh at me but I get nervous when I'm lost. I love that thing and really want one. I'm going to put a picture of one on the refrigerator and leave it there until my husband gets me one. That used to work when we were first married so maybe he will get the hint. I like when the thing talks to me, some of the voices on it drive me nuts, but I found one that I like. It also really helps when you are driving in the dark to a big city and you cant see in the dark very well. Which is making me think does everyone have trouble seeing at night? Like I can see the cars. lol. But  I really cant see when there are turns ahead of me or how the road is going. Thats probably what the damn signs are for huh? The gps shows you how the road is going, amazing and I know your prob thinking who doesn't have one of those? Well never really needed one in this town, but its on my wish list now! Although after my weekend I just wanted to turn it off and start driving. You know just drive and end up where you end up. I was having a good time, it was nice to get out of town. People kept calling me and pissing me off. I'm out of money, Your dog shit on my floor, Where is the toothpaste? Thats what they were calling me for. I would rather listen to the gps. Can people not stand for you to just relax? I think they just try to mess with me. What was I supposed to do drive 3 hours and clean up the shit? I took the toothpast go get some more? F.
Anyway got off subject, ya know I do that.
Note to self; Put picture of GPS on frig. It not only gets me where I want to go, it talks over the kids arguing. and you can even mess with it and take a wrong turn, it doesn't get mad it just says "Please make the closest, legal U turn" lol.

Helping children deal with death, anxiety,seperation

Well if you have read my blog you know that I suck when It comes to dealing with death. But when your a parent you have to dig deep within and take care of your children. They are hurting probably in a different way and who know what they are thinking or the questions that they have.

Now allot of people told me to take my little one to a counselor. She had severe seperation anxiety, which I hadn't really heard of or ever dealt with. This had to be the hardest thing to watch ever. At first you think that if you just tell them you are not going to leave them, try to explain about death, heaven, they will be alright, but this was something that was not going away. My little one got worse.

God knows that she had reason. I was trying to live for my kids and damaging the hell out of them at the same time especially the young one. I did everything possible to reasure her that all was good, mommie was good, everything was going to be ok. It didn't work and was a couple years of heart breaking agony watching her go through this. She had watched me almost die a couple of times and kids aren't stupid. They listen. They hear. They know.
You can try to keep it from them, hide the horrible stuff, but they are smart and know whats going on.

She had moved to my parents with me, watched all of my illnesses, her big sister moved, her brother moved, her dad was living at our old house, her grandma honey had just died, we moved to a new place, and she started a new school. Just to mention the big things. I have so much guilt over this. Although you try so hard to protect the kids, they are suffering so much. She acted so strong and I think that finally she just broke.

Before I talk about  the seperation anxiety I just want to put down a couple of things that may help someone whos child is going through the loss of someone.

1.  We live really close to my grandmas old house and pass it everyday. She would cry horrible. At this time she was about 6.  She didn't want anyone else living in grandmas house and was angry. I let her write a letter to the owners of the house after talking to them about it. She wrote a long letter and asked them to please take care of her grandma honey's house. She went into specifics, which I think was good therapy for her. How to water the grass, what grandma liked and how she wanted someone to live there who loved the house. She basically asked them to take care of the house. I took her to the mailbox and let her put it in. Which I know your not supposed to do but they were watching. She smiled. Even if you can't put it in the mailbox you can pretend to mail it.

2. This worked good!   I take her to get balloons, which her and grandma had talked about. As many as she wants. She writes notes on them and we set them free. She watches very carefully. They go up so far and then you cant see them anymore. She says, "Grandma got it". And is calm again.

3.  I was really scared to do this but, when the people got all moved into grandmas they invited us in. I was scared and didn't think I could be strong enough for her. We had damn near lived there for years. But I had to do it. They took us to each room and let her look around. She told them stories about each room. Its weird there wasn't any grandma left there which is the way it is supposed to be I guess. It looked beautiful, grandma would have loved it. I realize that you cant do this with all losses but it helped actually both of us.

4. Eventually, I just had to go all out and try to explain everything to her. She doesn't let things go. I told her my beliefs. That grandma was so happy now. She was playing with her little boy and had so much family in heaven. Went into the pain. etc. At this stage I was still shattered, my gutt would hurt as im consoling her. I did belive what I was saying, but I was still pissed that she left me. Very selfish. I'm told thats a phase you go through I dont know.

5. I let her write letters to heaven for grandma and mailed them, or let her mail them.

6. And after three years of the hell of seperation anxiety she has a full schedule, gymnastics, gate, band, school. Dont give them too much time to think. I had to keep her busy. Although I felt like crawling in bed and crying. Just wanted to sleep. I had to keep her moving, which actually was a big help to me also. I didn't like it though. lol.

7. She made a photo album of her and grandma

8. I let her hang pictures of her. She put one right by where she sleeps. I wasn't sure if that was a good idea. But if they request it then why not. She still looks at it everymorning and is concerned that she is forgettting grandma.  So I encourage her to write down things that she remembers about her, anything. She has quite a collection.

9. She still sleeps with the blanket that grandma always used. Thats ok to me. So what. It was actually her blanket and grandma liked it so she let her use it. Now I will admit when grandma first died she wanted to wear one of her big nightgowns and I let her. She wore her nightgown to sleep for about a week and the phase was over. She said that it smells like grandma and "thats all I need"

10. Let them talk, talk, talk, if they will. I didn't know most answers. When I didn't know how to answer I just told her that. It will drive you a little crazy. Our minds are trying to process all of this shit and questions are coming left and right. She was bad with this, I mean all day everyday. So what I did was tell her ok, we are going to talk about anything on your mind, grandma, memories, whatever you want, but only at 6:00 at night. The rest of the day we are going to try real hard to be happy and look for things to be happy about. I was very surprised to hear her agree to that. It worked, everynight we would talk about the same stuff until I thought I was going to go crazy. Everntually the conversation got shorter. Then they stopped. She had either talked it out or found anotherway to cope that was working



I am sure I will think of more but thats a start. She has allot of faith in God and I don't even have to push her. Prayers really helped her, she would say them and then say now what do I say? I told her you say whatever you want to, so she will go on for fifteen minutes. She  tells God to say hi to grandma and did she get her balloons, on and on. Seems to really help her and actually I enjoy listening to her.

I never thought she would get better or get rid of the anxiety and sepreation anxiety, but she has. Thank God. Shes doing great. It took a long time. So much patience. But we did it.!!!!

Quick tips for depression

This is a hard one. If I wouldn't have had family I would have been screwed.
Now I still have depression and manage it, I function. Which is what most people have. But if you have depression to the point of not wanting to live you need to see a doctor.

I know allot of people who refuse to take medication. I personally won't go off of it again. I wish that I was one of the people who could get on it for a year or six months and feel normal again, but I'm not. I have tried going off my medication many times and will try no more. Apparently my brain needs it. I kinda have a rule that will sound stupid. But when you take medication like for anxiety, some people I guess pay big bucks for that stuff for the feeling. I can't tell that I take it so that is how I know that my body needs it. Make sense? Probably not.

There are people who use other things instead of taking pills. I know people who wont take them because you cant drink with them. They would rather drink. Thats their business. For me I take medication.

I was one of those people who had a hard time taking care of myself, yet nobody knew cause I was damn good at hiding it for a long time. I loved to sleep and to be honest when I'm stressed thats what I do sometimes. But I also walk allot now. I swim, ride my bike. This would have been unheard of years ago. And its not that I didn't want to, I just couldn't get the .... I don't know what you call it. My body hurt, my brain hurt. lol. Some people called me lazy. I think that when a person lays in bed for months and doesnt leave the house for months, its not because they want to something is wrong with them.

Just to brag for one sec. lol. My daughter and I were talking yesterday. The older daughter. I told her that I had to get out of the damn house, couldn't stand it anymore. I can't stay indoors all day now. This is the time I've been waiting for. I love to do things, and if I would have known that a walk or swim took this much stress away, I would hope that I would have done it years ago.\
Although when your depressed a walk, shower, anything is a huge effort.

When I first started walking I could only make it a couple of blocks because of my blood clots and my lungs. I went out everyday for two years and went just a little bit more each day. I'm up to two miles a day now! Its been a long road but well worth it. I love to look at the trees, animals, I even look at the rocks. lol. I try to enjoy every piece of that hour I'm walking.

So I guess what I'm saying is that I was about as low as you can get and you can get better. I'm not going to tell you that I feel great everyday. I'm in constant pain, and I truely still struggle with anxiety and depression. But I get my ass up and by God take that walk everyday.
And I stopped when my grandbaby was born and my husband moved down here. It sucked. My stress level went through the roof. So, I started again. I dont care if the roof is falling in I have to take care of myself at this point in my life.

I taught myself to swim last year and found that it is the only thing that doesnt make me sore or hurt my back. Great excercise for those of you with back problems, and has helped anxiety and depression. The hardest part is taking the time for yourself to do it.

When you are so far down that you cant do anything my advice to you would be to take one day at a time. If thats too hard take a half hour at a time. Dont lay in bed awake worrying about things at night. Go ahead and get up. Watch tv or read a book.

My schedule took years to get back. I guess thats ok cause it took years to get so bad. I was and pretty much still am a night owl. I think its the peace and quiet. lol.  I had to go from staying up all day and night. Then I would stay up all night and sleep all day. And after a long time I make myself go to sleep, although its usually late, and I make myself stay up during the day.
Now dont think that I just go to sleep, I'm far from that and don't understand how people just go to sleep, although I know I did for the first twenty years. I have to take medication for sleep also. Another crutch.
But if I dont look at the clock when I go to sleep my anxiety level is so much better, I'm not so tired in the morning. Another mind trick to me. If I look at the clock then I sit there and count how many hours of sleep I'm going to get, figure that is not enough for me, and I swear I'm tired in the morning.

I cant tell you how important sleep is to me with my depression. If I don't get sleep I get worse. Sleep is a must and although I say I make myself stay up all day. I will take a nap if i dont feel right. I have to have sleep. And if your not sleeping, you know. I did take stuff like Tylenol pm for years, it worked for sleep. Although some people feel tired the next morning, I did anyway. But eventually my doctor put on medication to sleep. I went through allot of different pills, nothing seemed to work. I now take a muscle relaxer and sleep great. It takes my spasms from my back away and I sleep well most of the time.

Weather has a big effect on me. I need sunshine. Which is actually a fact. The sun gives you a certain vitamin I think it is that is very important. Check into it but I'm pretty sure that you are supposed to get sun between the hours of 10 and 12 am. When it get cold and gloomy so do I. This really isn't in my head although I feel like it is sometimes. I really feel like shit when it is cold. I dont like winter at all and if I was rich I would have a place with palm trees and and ocean for the winters. Yea that would be great! I will tell you that although I know its bad for your skin, I will go to a tanning bed usually in the winter. It makes me feel better, I dont know if its the fake light, the heat, but it does the job.

Little things make people happy if they take the time to do them. I do things that I never used to but have found that it helps. Take my 2 year old nephew for a walk, they find the good in everything. Garden. Play with my dog, God I would have never done that before. Go somewhere with my kids, just little things that take up your day. Try to enjoy them. Make yourself, it takes practice. I have always enjoyed doing things with my kids though, but I take allot more time now to do it. I used to clean, clean, clean. Cook, cook cook, yea thats pretty much over. lol.

Find someone who relates to you and doesnt act like your crazy to talk to when your having a rough time.
Laugh, laugh, laugh. Or cry whatever you feel like.

I think that I live like I think others want me to still. I'm working on it.

For me: Faith in God has helped me more than anything. When nobody else is there for you, he always is.

Another thing that I don't know if other people go through so that bothers me is when I get sick. As in a cold or flu. My depression shoots sky high. It pisses me off. So remember if this happens to you and your getting sick thats why your feeling like your depression is worse. My dad always has to remind me of that.

If you are really depressed right now then your not going to be swimming etc. but talk to yourself. Sounds stupid but it will help after a while. Tell yourself, tomorrows a new day and will be better. The medication takes time. Although, they tell you that you won't feel a difference for like two months. I disagree with that, but thats just me. I could tell in a couple of weeks if it was working or not. Maybe not the full effect but you can feel your head getting a little bit clearer
Last thing I will put down for now is if you are going to have friends during this time, which I hope you have a couple to help you, they have to be positive with you. Hand around people that dont sit there and tell you what your doing wrong, do what your doctor says. Unless they have been through it, I might listen to them. Maybe they were able to find something that might help you.  God bless All of you

Quick Tips For Anxiety Attacks;

This is what has worked for me; I'm sure im forgetting things so please ask questions if I have.

I'm not an expert but I have learned a few things that have actually stopped the full fledged anxiety attacks. I still get anxiety, which is bad enough and wonder if I will ever be off medication.

ANXIETY ATTACKS:

1. First of all, if you are put on medication by a doctor DONT go off of it out of the guilt of being on medication. Its still there believe me.

2. You are not imaginning how bad these things are. I've been through allot and they rank way up at the top of the list. Its awful, but with time, it will get better.

3. I always ask doctors if they have had anxiety attacks before or when I'm in their office. Sounds bad I know but allot of them just look at you with a blank stare. You will know the ones who have by the way they look at you when your describing them. If not ask.  Your supposed to be counceled too. I did a couple of times, but found myself more anxious when they started asking all of these personal questions that had nothing to do with it. It may with some people though, I don't know.

4. I did have a lady teach me how to relax my body. Its hard and takes allot of practice but really works. When you lay down, make it a quiet place, you start at your toes. Shut your eyes but in your mind only focus on your toes or your feet. You make them relaxed, almost like they are so heavy that they are going to fall right through the bed. Then your mind will probably start wondering again. So start over. Move up your body, but if your at your arms and your feet are all tightened up again, start over. It will take a while to get it down, but you will not believe how many of your muscles are actually tightened when you think you are relaxed. Its crazy.

5. Everyone is going to have an opinion: This is a rough part cause if they haven't had them then they have no idea what they are talking about and it will make you angry. I personally think that I did myself a favor by telling people what the doctor said that I have because it came from a doctor first of all, and people will be more at ease telling you that they have the same thing or have had. Thats where you will get your little circle hopefully of people that understand. I don't know if there are support groups for this cause I lived out in the boonies so that may be a good idea if there are. And a little attitude will not hurt you. Surround yourself by people who are nice to you and atleast pretend to understand cause your mind cant handle any bullshit gossip.

6. Most people don't like to ask others for help. I mean help doing everyday things that you are not functioning well enough to do. Its important that you get good at that. You dont need to overdue it but if you just cant do something that day you would be surprised to know how many people actually feel good and needed if you ask them to help you.

7. DO NOT try to explain yourself or your decisions all of the time. It made me worse and I'm pretty good at saying NO now. Take a few months and take care of yourself, because your probably the ones that take care of everyone else.  When they call and say "Lets go to lunch" and your in the middle of an anxiety attack, then you feel guilty for saying no, but if you go its really going to be bad, on and on. Just say "I would love to some other time but cant today" now some of them will say "Why" well actually thats when you will start going over everything...... Its really not their business.. Your trying to make it through the day. If they do ask why I would just say not today. That is it no more explaining. If they love you or are friends they will understand. If not well now you know who your friends are.

8. You have to learn to breathe. I know that sounds stupid cause it did to me. Obviously I was breathing or I would be dead. ? But we have a tendency to over breathe or hold our breath without even noticing it. Then its too late. And if you do catch yourself already going into anxiety attack, the first thing that you have to tell your brain is

 I CAN NOT DIE FROM THESE. And you cant. Your vitals are probably perfect. I myself cuff my hands over my mouth and take five breaths to get the carbon dioxide going, slow your breathing down, which is hard to do if you are hyperventilating, but you can do it.

9. I asked my doctor what the worst thing that could happen would be. She said that I would pass out. Oh great I said. Then she told me that if you do pass out when you wake up your brain is actually in better shape. It has repaired the levels of oxygen, carbon dioxide and you'll be fine till your next one.

10. ok and something I am not proud of but im going to tell you. Sometimes I just cant handle everything. Husband, 23 year old, 21 year old, 9 year old, house work, bills, on and on. I actually do get sick. But its not like a cold sick, I can't explain it. To get myself better, I tell everyone except nine year old. "I cant talk about this now" I truly ask God to just take all of my worries, I will fake being sick just to get to go into a quiet room and take a nap without any noice. I actually will lie or fib whatever to get away from everyone and sleep. I don't do that very often anymore but oh boy I used to. And you know what? So what. I felt better when I got up and was ready to take some of it on.

Struggling to write; Before the death of my friend, grandma, angel

I know that I have spoken allot about my grandma and how she helped me through the hard times. I wish she was here. Although I'm sure that she is glad she is with he little boy that she lost so young, her husband, brothers, sisters, mom and dad and so on. I have went through alot of different moods and emotions when it comes to here death but it was by far the hardest night of my life. I can go through stuff, but I hate to see others in pain. I do NOT handle death good at all. I suppose for selfish reasons. I get close to very few people but the ones that I do; I want around forever. So please bare with me, I am going to write this whole blog on my grandma and her death. The worst day of my life July17, 2006. I hope the date is right. Sometimes it seems it has been forever, then other days it seems she was just here. I moved a few blocks from her on purpose when I had to move from the blood clots. And I know that when I'm talking about how special she is most of you probably think, well so was my grandma. But I'm going to do my best at this and it may take several days to complete so be patient please.

As a child most of my memories are with her. Not because I didn't have good parents. She was the one who watched me and my three brothers while my parents worked. She was the most beautiful woman I had ever saw. Dark Black hair, perfect face, calm as an angel. She gained weight when she lost her little boy at the age of 3 or 4. She was still beautiful. Inside and out. I used to hug her and try to get my arms wrapped all the way around her. She gave us birthday parties every night that we stayed the night so we wouldn't bother papa. I used to watch her pick fuzz off of socks when they got out of the dryer for hours. She used to let us pick rubarb out of the neighbors yard and dip it into sugar. She always had breakfast, lunch, and dinner on, which after papa died and she never really cooked allot i figured that it may have just been expected of her, I dont know if she loved it?  The most important thing about my grandma was that from the time I was little till the time she passed away, she never, once, made me feel like I was in her way, bothering her, putting her out, i was always welcome and even if she was tired of me she never showed it. My parents used to take us to church every weekend and I never asked but later in life grandma told me that she was so mad at God for so long for taking her little boy. She didn't understand. I guess I would feel like that too. She wasn't hateful about it, and I think she really wanted God in her life. And he was. She used to read the bible to me everynight when I was sick out of proverbs. Until my nerves were bad. lol. And of all the things she could leave me when she died, she left me her bible. What a blessing. And it made my heart feel good when I went through it. She never lost her faith, there were pictures of everyone who had gotten sick in the family, letters, things to remember. I will cherrish it forever, although i do have to tell you I have only opened it once. Maybe someday.

I think that I used to talk to my grandma atleast five times a day as a teenager and into my twenties. She always answered. lol. Grandma did everything for everyone. Her family was her life. And she was our life. She held everyone together, and would be disappointed if she knew how it was now. But would understand. She loved being in the womens' club and throwing parties. lol. She loved to laugh and have fun. And second best thing between me and grams was that she was the one person in my life that completely knew me..... I could dance, sing, act like I was funny, never ever had to act like I was someone else around her. Boy. do I miss that.

I moved into this house in september, grandma came over with our help and probably a liitle coaxing. I was just trying to get her out of the house. She hadn't been out in sooo long. Well, it was aweful. She didn't say that but me and my husband were helping her up our little stairs in the front and it sounded like her bones were breaking when we would even put our hands under her arms to help her up. I never again asked her to come over or pushed her to get up. It was a horrible sound and very sad.

In the next months she would lay in bed, she had one of those hospital beds in her frontroom. She was so sick. One thing after the other. She had high blood pressure, and diabetes at the end. Every pill had a side effect and was taken care of by another pill. I tried to make her laugh, but it didn't happen often now.  I tried to make her want to live, but i think she had lost her will. She had her dog, which I swore saved her life when papa died, but I'm not sure she even worried about him anymore. Very sick. Thank God she had also given us her dog. I think that he has saved us. Just a little part of grandma. He ran to her house from mine for about a month. It was sad. Not so much anymore though. He is old but still something to hold onto.

The last time we took her to the hospital they had to transport her to a different city. about thirty minutes from here. At the hospital she was talking to me. I can remember trying to tease her. She told me never to let my little one be sad about her. I asked her to please fight grandma, please, what will I do without you. She sighed and said, "I'm not worth shootin" That used to be her little saying. I said "But who will be my best friend? Who will talk to me?" "She said, "I'm ready to go." I just ignored her.

She was transferred by ambulance and seemed to get worse right away. This first time I went in to see her, it was horrible. It wasn't even like grandma. I decided to stay a couple of nights with her after a few days. It was weird she would go from cardio, to neuro, to this and that. All over the hospital. The they told us that we had to wear a gown and mask to get into see her, I thought It was to protect her. But as Im writing I remember that she had something. Cant remember what it was. Her temperature was crazy, up and down. I was really worried about her heart. I could see her breathing and it looked like she was having allot of trouble. She was a tough woman too. I had never heard her moan like this. Just makes your stomach hit the floor. Grandma had survived breast cancer, something in her throat, both knees were operated on, both ankles had screws in them, she had her spine fused.
Just something she laughed about all of the time; A guy came over to check on her oxygen or some equiptment she was on at her house. I was in the kitchen and she said to him, "My family thinks that I have more than one screw loose. Do you think thats right?" He got so mad and said that was aweful for us to say. I made her tell him that she actually did have a real screw loose in her ankle, actually both ankles and he settled down. She laughed about that for a year. lol.

This first night I was at the hospital: to be cont. cant take anymore for the night.

"Your going to die a young woman" Again? Really?

Driving, feeling sharp pain under ribs. Its probably gas. lol. Maybe anxiety? Heading to grandmas. Trying to figure out how I'm going to get her to go to the hospital. I always felt allot better once I got into grandmas town. Elevation change ya know. So I get there and talk to her and pretty much tell her that I'm going to call the ambaulance. She hated when I did that. After papa died I don't ever really think she had the drive to live. She would alway say "When I go" or "I'm ready to go" I hated that. She was my wisdom, friend, grandma, angel from heaven. She held us together. We all had her in common. We all loved her.

She was giving me that look.... I walked outside and felt weird. I sat down on the cement. I remember it was warm. Got the strength to go back in and sat on her floor. I was looking at her, and thinking at the same time i need to get to the hospital. I finally just said "Um guys I need to go to the emergency room." I don't know if they thought I was just shitting them or what. I don't know who I left my little one with, although I knew she was being taken care of . I got in my car and drove to the hospital.


Well if you remember from the blood clots story, at first they had told me it was my gallbladder. Yep thats what it was. The only good thing about blood clots is if you tell them you have a history of it. Trust me you don't sit in the waiting room. lol. 


The surgery should have been a piece of cake. But no not with me. Since I had the blood clots and im not sure if I was still on cumadin to thin my blood. But it had to be thin and then after words they had to put something in it so that I wouldn't get clots again. It was one of the best hospital visits I ever had.


Guess who was in the room next to me? Grandma. I had my surgery, let them get my blood right and then went next door. I feel bad, I dont know what was wrong with her that time. But I went next door and said "Hi Grandma, guess who is in the room right next to you?" she smiled. She said "Hunny, shouldn't you be in bed getting ready for surgery?" I said "No, I'm done now lets get out of here. Hurry and get your clothes. I was acting like I was just going to take her out of there" Its silly but I felt good having her close to me. We both were in there several days. And the best part is that everyone always brought grandma stuff to hospital, she loved presents. And she would say "Well, thats sad, dont you think you should get tammy something." So I got gifts too!!!lol.


This was the only time I've been in the hospital where I was speechless. Mad. Confused???
The doctor that was doing my surgery told me that I was going to die a young women if I didn't get into a lower altitude. He was kinda rude about it, but maybe thats what I needed. He said that with my history my organs were just going to keep failing. Pissed my husband off. Of course he loves the mountains. I was wrong no matter what I did. "How does he know how you feel in the altitude?" well, I feel like shit I said. I walk around a big house by myself on oxygen all day and wait for you to get home. That didn't go over well. lol.


Never went back home for more that a few hours. Back at moms. What the hell was going on? Its an awful thing to be trying to please everyone and not make anyone mad or have to make hard decions. I took it a day at a time. My parent never really got into anything or told me what to do, but they were very insistant that I stay in a lower altitude. Which is not as simple as it seems.


Every other house is in forclosure and we are going to try to sell our house.? We stayed at my parents and my husband would come down like once a week. It was hard.


I realized that I had to get better and healthier, in order to make better, healthier, decisions. It took almost a year. Then I told my husband, I have to get a life! A home! As I'm writing this, I remember how mad I was at him for not being with us. Working all the time. But now I'm thinking what a burden that was to put on him. Now he was going to be paying for two houses? I wanted him to move down with me, but I think, well i know, that he was trying to wait it out. Let my lungs and body get healthier, so I could move home.


My 6 year old was going through horrible seperation anxiety, which I didn't even know of. It was horrible. I'm so glad that she is doing better. She had a rough couple of years and is the type of kid who doesn't think like a kid. She has to understand everything, you can't hide anything from her. Eventually I had to get her a doctor. Just broke my heart. The shit everyone was going through over me and I'm not feeling sorry for myself. Seriously, It was horrible to sit by and watch all who I loved going through hell and I couldn't do anything about it. I could help my daughter but It took two years to get her better. My doctor told me as I get better, she will get better. And she was right. Thank God.
But going through this with her, helping my grandma as much as possible, trying to start living again, functioning again, gave me inner anger that I would have to realease at some point. And All of it finally came out the week my grandma died.

Total Fear of returning home; "Our dream home" God how I loved it but...

Well it was time to move home. I was scared! I knew that my husband would be working all of the time. It was very hard moving out of a comfort zone. My house was about an hour from my parents. I loved my home and missed it sooo much. But I had barely lived through blood clots and it was a risk. To be honest I dont even know why I took it. It was my kids home, it was our dream home, that my husband built from ground up for us. But it was a good 40 minutes from the closest doctor or hospital. My gut was telling me how stupid it was but in my own way I knew how much everyone had gone through for years with me being sick and I wanted to just make their life normal again.
I cried like a baby when I went home. But it was so good to be there again. Now I started noticing right away that I couldn't breathe well. I was put on oxygen which sucked so bad. I was what? 35 on oxygen walking around. Alive, but on oxygen. I couldn't really leave my house unless I went to a lower elevation so as I got a little better I would drive to grandmas or moms. It was stupid. I would stay for a week at a time.
Oxygen was like 500 a month up at my house. I layed in bed allot. Just like before. Pretty much in the middle of nowhere. Which I used to love. But i was scared now. If I got blood clots again, I had pretty much no chance of surviving from that far away. Here comes the anxiety big time. Pure fear.
The smell of my own house. Looking out the window at the beautiful mountains, fields of green grass. Always deer, elk, all kinds of wildlife. I tried, but it was really taking a tole on me. See when you go to a higher altitude your blood gets thicker. Which is ok unless you just had multiple clots in both of your lungs. I kept thinking I was going to get better. My heart felt like it was beating out of my chest all of the time. I didn't understand. It was explained to me that I had so much scar tissue in each of my lungs that my heart had to work so much harder to get oxygen to it. So oxygen goes through a layer to put get into your blood, but mine had to go through several because of the scar tissue. They said that it could take up to ten years for my lungs to heal. Could I live like this for that long? Did I want to? What to do?
Sounds like a pretty easy answer right?

Ten years earlier; Driving to the property that we had always dreamed of having. Yellow sunflowers lined both sides of the dirt road to it. We sat on the hill to see where the sun would hit at each time of the day. Watched all of the wildlife. It was like heaven. We had our dream house planned. Material things yes. Still important, I had allot of good times there, happy times. But yet, in the end I had to make a choice that would effect my children, husband, our lives. How lucky we were. We had enough money to pay for the property which had a pond on it, ten acres, it was beautiful. Lots of people thought we were crazy to pay what we did for that property. But we had always wanted it. Well just like life, you hit alot of obstacles. You always run into things that you didn't expect, when it comes to expenses. Right as the roof was going up the hurricane hit. Lumber prices trippled and needless to say, the loans started building.
Never the less, we raised two kids there and our little one for about four years. It was a place where everyone was always welcome. My kids always had friends there and it was far enough out of the little town. Just right. We had great times. I enjoyed every moment I had with my children there.Well until they became teenageers. lol. no really. I was going to live there forever. I'm not a person who likes change and never ever thought that I would leave my home. I used to tell my husband "If you are planning on selling this one, your leaving without me. lol" And now I was the one who needed to move.

When I went home I was happy to be there but scared to death. All of the what ifs started. What if I pass out from lack of oxygen and my little one is here alone.?? on and on. And who was there for me?? I thought everyone would miss me. Would come see me. Come help me or just visit. Another great lesson in life. Don't think that you are too important to people. Very good lesson for me. Just because they are important to me doesn't mean I am to them. In their defense everyone has their own family, responsibilities, commentments, lives. I felt sorry for myself cause nobody was there for me. But it really wasn't their responsibility. Although, I will tell you. This lesson also taught me to always be there for people who need me. I do my best. And I would have never made it through it if it wasn't for my kids, dad and mom, grandma, a couple friends, and although I have held a huge, silent grudge cause my husband was always at work, he in his own way was there.

Our house was big. I couldn't keep up with it. Just not enough oxygen. We were at about 7000 ft. in elevation. I started slipping back into deep depression, fighting like hell everyday, not to ever go to that dark
place again. I used to set there and look. Just look. I loved that place. I had a memory for every single spot in that house. I loved the property. But as time went on, I don't know. I just didn't know what to do. I knew that if we were forced to move due to my health it was going to be a huge deal. We were broke from doctor and hospital bills. Which makes you feel oh so much worse when your laying there in bed. I truely felt like my husband felt that I had caused all of this harship and recented me for it. He says no. But how could he not? And I did, I was sick for so long. It makes it so much harder when your racking up medical bills and can't even help pay for them. Im sure that he recented me and then I recented him for recenting me. Confusing.
My parents and grandma lived at about 5000 ft elevation. Which is weird that it made such a huge difference but I pretty much ran down here every chance I got.
It may have saved my life. I didn't need oxygen.
And I will tell you something that is kind of embarrassing because I don't know how many people have these feelings. But, when I thought it was going to snow. I took off. It didn't hardly snow where grandma was. I mean it freaked me out. Anxiety got out of control. I felt clastophobic, stranded. Alone, desperate. And I was raised in the snow. I drove in snow my whole life. I jsut dont understand. Also, the cold weather really started getting to me. I absolutely began to hate it. I swear it was harder to breathe. At grandmas only fifty minutes away it was alway aboout 15 degrees warmer. My whole marriage I never went anywhere without my husband, and now i was running constantly.
When I would get to lower elevation it was like something heavy was being lifted off of my chest. I didn't need oxygen. I loved it here. But I missed my house. And I know its just material; its the memories that get me.
I had never really been in a city. this is by no means a big city but it has everything you need. I was used to driving an hour to even get groceries. It was kina nice. I liked hearing neighbors for the first time. Made me feel better, which is weird cause I used to get so mad when someone would build a house around ours in the country. lol.
I like talkig to people and my daughter playing with the neighborhood kids. Little things, that made my life so much easier and my anxiety so much better.
At this time as I was going back and forth i felt good about it cause I felt good at the lower altitude. My grandma was getting sick though, she had allot of things wrong with her. So this was my chance; I took care of her. I loved being with her. It was sad though, she started just functioning, trying to make it through the day. I would try to make her laugh, she would. But you could tell it was jst for me. She also had a back surgery, and I'm sure that she never was the same.
So was trying to help grandma, kept going back and forth, and got a call. My grandma was really sick but wouldn't go to the doctor. She hated when I would come because she know I would call the ambulance. lol. So went down to get grandma to the doctor, well God had a different plan for me.

The right to have firearms?? What do you think?

I received this in email today and although its not really about my life I like to share some of the emails that I get. So tell me what you think. ? First, I should tell you that we have guns, I have never killed anyone. I do not like war. But I love our soldiers. My son is one of them.

THE EMAIL WAS CALLED FIREARMS REFRESHER COURSE.


1. "Those who hammer their guns into plows will plow for those who do not." ~Thomas Jefferson
2. Those who trade liberty for security have neither. ~John Adams
3. Free men do not ask permission to bear arms.
4. An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a subject.
5. Only a government that is afraid of its citizens tries to control them.
6. Gun control is not about guns; it's about control.
7. You only have the rights you are willing to fight for.
8. Know guns, know peace, know safety. No guns, no peace, no safety.
9. You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.
10. Assault is a behavior, not a device.
11. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday.
12. The United States Constitution (c) 1791. All Rights Reserved.
13. The Second Amendment is in place in case the politicians ignore the others.
14. What part of 'shall not be infringed' do you NOT understand?
15. Guns have only two enemies; rust and politicians.
16. When you remove the people's right to bear arms, you create slaves.
17. The American Revolution would never have happened with gun control.

"You have ten minutes" I'm dying

I got up and went to bed. Feeling bad cause it was my anniversary, and I didn't care. Wasn't going to wake up. Got up and put my moms oxygen on thinking I was going to save my own life and was really tired. Weird feeling, slipping into sleep, telling everyone, somethings wrong! I'm not going to wake up take me to the hospital. Now in their defense, I had just gotten out of the hospital and wanted to go back. They said that they didn't want me to catch something at the hospital, my system was weak. It was flu season.It was going to be ok. I was not stopping. "Take me to the hospital or I'm calling the ambulance." I started falling asleep while dad was getting dressed to take me. I wasn't going to wake up.... My little one ran up on me and bumped me which jarred me and I woke up. Out of the blue she said "Take mommy to the hospital."
My oldest daughter insisted on going which was a huge mistake, but I was too sick to argue. So we got to the emergency room and I told them what was going on. That I felt like I wasn't breathing good, something is wrong. I feel like I'm not going to wake up everytime I start to go to sleep. My chest feels like I can't get a good breathe. On and on.
So the nurses put the regular things on me to check vitals and so on. They were all good, everything was fine.
I wasn't giving up. I had to turn into my little bitch mode. I told the nurse well give me something to go to sleep and watch what they do!!!!! I could see my dad and daughters face getting red. They knew I was getting pissed. The nurse leaves.
Doctor comes in and tells me that hes sure I'm having an anxiety attack and everything is fine they are going to give me something to settle down and it may make me sleepy. I was pissed but in my own way was getting what I wanted. I needed to make sure that when I went to sleep, I was still breathing. Started getting groggy. But it was a different feeling.
Went and got several tests. I was thinking about all the money this was going to cost.
Here came the doctor again and said that he found the problem. I had gall stones and one of them was completely blocking my gallbladder. I don't remember reacting. Looked at my dad, daughter, sister-in-law. They had tired, relieved faces. It was in the middle of the night. Maybe that's why they were tired, or maybe they were tired of me being in the hospital, not sure. Probably both. But I was right, something was wrong. But what about my breathing? They were sticking to the anxiety attack. So I got pissy again. "I have had anxiety attacks for 15 years! I know what they feel like! This isn't it! Just relax. So now another surgery for gallbladder, great.
I was tired of waiting, had my sister-in-law go see what was going on. She leaves.
The noises of the machines..... Oxygen level was dropping, looking straight into daughters eyes she looked scared.
I told them.
Doctor comes in followed by sister-in-law and several nurses, what are they all running for. Nurses moving quickly around room. Family looking startled. Doctor says, "This is how people die" you have lots of blood clots in both of your lungs, "We are giving the medicine ten minutes, if its not better you will have to be flown out on flight for life and we will have to put you on life support!" Rolling fast down hospital hall, groggy, nurses telling me drink, drink, hurry. I remember trying to drink while laying down? I'm not sure. They were trying to get heparin, I think its called down me to thin my blood. Out.... Back... "Am I going to die?" nurse says, "No" I remember asking that several times, wanting reassurance. Or was I just thinking it?
Big hospital doors, opening, rolling, opening, fast... fast... fast... Where was I going? Where is my family? Oh God I'm dying. I'm in ICU

Stupid thing I said

I feel so bad for something. I have never said anything so stupid in my life.
So my neighbors have had their house for sale for like a year. I love these people they are an older couple. They have been so good to me and my little girl.
I saw an inspection truck in their drive way yesterday, so I called them. I asked if they sold their house and he was telling me how they had a contract and it looked good. On and on. I said, "I'm going to shoot myself." Like I didn't want other neighbors you know. I don't want these people to leave. ok so let me tell you what happened about a month ago and why thats bad.
We have a pump ditch for water that you turn on and off two days a week to water your lawn. So I saw that he wasn't watering and he usually turns my water on for me, so I went over to check and see if he wanted me to go ahead and turn it off. I go to the door, and she usually answers. It takes a while. He answers and I asked where she was. The conversation goes on and she is in another state. His head ducks, and he said that his grandson committed suicide. My heart stopped I didn't know what to say. And he almost acted ashamed. God for the first time I had a loss for words.
So yesterday not even thinking, I tell him I'm going to shoot myself! What the H was I thinking. I'm so stupid. He said no your not, and thats when in my tiny little brain, I realized what I had said. Shit. I didn't apologize, I just kept listening to him about his plans.
I called my parents and told them. My dad is around the same age. He said. "Oh shit, sis." Then he said that they are smart enough to know its just a figure of speech. It was a mistake, and they know I was just talking. I hope so..... My mom wasn't so nice. lol. She said I always tell you to watch your mouth. OK so I vented, I feel so bad. I would never say anything to hurt someone like that. Shit!!!!

Message for the day!

I don't care if you lick windows,
take the special bus or occasionally pee on yourself.
You hang in there, sunshine –you're friggin' special.
Every sixty seconds you spend angry, upset or mad,
is a full minute of happiness you'll never get back.
Today's Message of the Day is:
Life is short, Break the rules, Forgive quickly, Kiss slowly, Love truly,
Laugh uncontrollably, And never regret anything that made you smile.
Life may not be the party we hoped for,
but while we're here, we should dance.

The start of Depression? Back surgery: Pure Hell

Walked in and my mother-in-law had chicken made. She had come from out of state. I just thought I was hungry. I still remember trying to eat it so she didn't think I was rude. God I still have a hard time eating chicken. Had a water bed which was out of the question for my doctor. Had to get a mattress. It was still laying on my bedroom floor. Went to sleep in my daughters room. Which in hindsight was a good thing. I think she kept me from going crazy. My mom was watching my son, the one year old. She brought him to see me everyday. He didn't want much to do with me. But, when I was making the decision to have the surgery, I planned it knowing what was going to happen. I knew that he wouldn't remember me not being able to take care of him because he was so young. Still bothers me to this day, I would never not have my kids. Completely broke my heart but I was in it now. It was what it was I guess. Just kept thinking that it won't be long. Little did I know.

Laying in bed a few days later and I was sure that my rod had broken. The pain in my back was already unbearable, what did I do? The pain was getting worse, called doctor. He said that I needed to give a urine sample so that he could see where the infection, fever, pain were coming from. There was no way in hell that I was going to make it back to the doctor. I had a great idea, there was a clinic just up the road from me. Called him back and he let me just send one up to it. I had a bladder and kidney infection.

Lying there day after day after day. My daughters room was pink. Walls were getting closer and closer to me. My grandma was watching my little girl. She was always such a good kid, until she turned 17.lol. Anyway, I couldn't take it anymore, called and had them send her to me. I let her sleep with me. Which really made everyone upset. But she was so good about it, I still call her my little pillow. She would lay against me, never hurt me. I was supposed to have a pillow in the back of me but i used her instead. It was so good to have her home.

Finally got to the front room and was sitting on the couch. My husband, mother-in-law and little girl with me. My mother-in-law, out of the damn blue says, you know she, my little girl, doesn't mind very well, she reminds me of ......, her youngest son. She said I never really liked him when he was her age. I flipped a cork. Really screwed myself too cause she was the one who was supposed to take care of me while my husband was working. I told her "Well if you don't like my kid, then you dont like me. And you can pretty much get the hell out!" She left the next morning. I didn't care she was mad anyway and I had only seen her a few times in our marriage.

I learned from that cause she put me in so many bad situations and I was trying to just get through each day. I could not take a shower alone. The doctor said that I couldn't, that if the soap even slipped and I went for it just out of a natural reaction, it would ruin everything cause I couldn't wear my brace in the shower. So I called my mom when I took showers. It was embarrassing enough with her. I barely new my mother-in-law, I wanted my mom in there with me. But it pissed her off and she would pout the whole day. Showers took hours. Or it seemed like it. I dont remember them having chairs for showers then. I have one now but that would have been like heaven. oh well.

I feel bad for writing this part because everyone was doing something; My husband was working, mom was taking care of youngest, but I remember lying there wondering were the hell everyone was. I would get so stiff, waiting, waiting, for someone to roll me over. They had cut muscles of course, and a nerve. I couldn't and still cant feel anything on the right side of my bellybutton. When my daughter needed something to drink, I would go into a mode. Had to do it. I would go to the frig, sit down on the floor with a cup and just tip the milk and pour it into the cup cause i was too weak to lift the milk. Hindsight: could have gotten a smaller thing of milk.

I can remember this day like it was yesterday; Well actually it was probably a month of days like this. My dad was putting a helipad in at the clinic I mentioned. Very small town. I could here his equipment running. Would wait for that sound of it shutting down. I knew that he was coming to roll me over. Listened for his foot steps coming down the sidewalk, it seems stupid but to get rolled felt so good. I was stuck in one position until someone would roll me.

I waited for little things, seeing my babies, my work-a-holic husband to get home, the next pain pill, which were taken after a month and I was given tylenol. yea they really helped. not.

I held grudges at the time. Where was everyone???? I guess they didn't like to see me like that. People just don't understand.

I remember a girl coming by that I knew but we weren't close at all. It was so nice. My mom was having a fit because she brought her kids and they were always afraid one of them would bump me or that I wouldn't be thinking and try to hold one of them. But it helped me. My grandfather came with his wife, brought me flowers from her garden, God that made my day, they were beautiful. One of my aunts came over on her lunch break and shaved my legs. My grandma and other aunt brought me a home-made milkshake. Those are the only ones that I remember.

I was still sending my daughter to my grandmas everyday, but she would come home at night. Thank God.

Month after month went by. I was moving but still dependent on everything for everyone. By moving I mean someone would get me up and I would walk around my house. I think this is when I started going into depression. I didn't care if I took showers, if I ate, if I made it through the damn day. I was making it for my kids. That's it.

Here comes depression; First 3 sugeries

Well the first two were not bad. C-Section, then I got my appendix removed. The third one; My back surgery forever changed the person I am or have to be.

When I was around 12 my spine started to curve; I don't remember but maybe two days even in school not being in pain. I tried not to let it get the best of me. I played volleyball, basketball, some track, was a cheerleader. They actually found my scoliosis during a sports physical. God that was a long time ago. I did you to the doctor but they said that I didn't need a brace because the curvature wasn't bad enough. Big relief for me, cause I was a kid and wanted to play my sports. I can't remember ever even taking a Tylenol back then. Which isn't the case now. Anyway, as I had my babies, my spine curved more with each kid. The pain became unbearable. I was about 22 with two kids and went to several doctors. Every time they said that I needed surgery. This was not an easy decision though. Who was going to take care of the babies, me, everything. I used to do so many things, loved sports, loved allot of things.

Finally went to childrens hospital where there was a doctor that everyone said was the best and I was able to make an appointment with her. She said that I needed surgery and they were talking about a new type of back surgery where you go through the stomach to place the rod. I left so confused. We had no insurance, it was going to be like 80,000 and so I would have to try to get some help. Overwhelming.

I decided to go to several more doctors to find one that would absolutely not do a surgery unless it had to be done. I didn't need a friend, didn't care if they had bed side manners, just needed someone straight to the point. Its weird how i was thinking when I went to each one. I didn't judge them but I was looking for someone who wasn't too young, too old. Not to be rude just wanted someone with experience but yet knew of the new procedure that they were saying I needed. After several months of driving two kids an hour from our house to the closest doctors I found a doctor who had the reputation of never doing a surgery unless it had to be done, especially back surgeries.

Went into his office, he came in and wasn't real friendly, kinda seemed overloaded? He looked at my x-rays and told me that if I didn't have surgery I would be in a wheelchair at 30. Not allot of options there, I had two babies to raise. I was told that the surgery would be approx. 6-8 hours, two weeks at least in the hospital, they couldn't guarantee that my pain would go away and that it was a good possibility I could have more. I thought that was impossible at the time. I had like a 30 percent chance of being paralyzed. And remember feeling well compared to the pain I'm in i don't care. Would not be able to care for myself for a long time. In fact before they did the surgery my whole family had to go down and agree to take care of me for a long time. Like a year. I could not lift more than a gallon of milk for months and would be in a brace for six months. Some of my times may be off a little its hard to remember that long ago. This is when I started fearing everything.

They decided to go through my stomach or side. I guess this was the best option for me because I was curving but also my body was turning or twisting. I have a scar from the right side of my bellybutton, clear around the side of me , and it ends at my spine towards the middle. Big scar.



I was scared, and really was never the same. I wonder if all the time I was under anesthesia didn't help so much.



AFTER SURGERY AND TIME IN THE HOSPITAL



Seriously, I wanted to die. The pain was unbearable and why didn't someone stay at the hospital with me? I had an iv in my neck to pump pain medication in me when I pushed the button. I kept pushing it. Over and over. No relief. I tried to call the nurse but whoever cleaned my room forgot to put the call button thing on the bed where I could reach it. I didnt have a thing on the bed it was one of those big things they attached to the beds where you push the button. I couldn't move. I couldn't role on my own. I would wait for someone to walk down the hall at night and yell help, help me, please someone come in here. I need help. Finally a nurse came in and I told her I was soaking wet, needed to be changed, and that the pain was unbearable. She said it was from post surgery and to push button as much as needed. I pushed it all night. Was soaked again, and again.

I looked and saw the phone called the doctor, I was a total bitch by then. He came in and shit hit the fan. So glad I picked him.... Come to find out the iv had slipped out and was going down my hospital gown all night. Thats why I was so soaked. He went nuts. And I got pretty good care after that. I just wonder how much I had messed myself up trying to get the call button . Not having pain medication after that horrible surgery.

They had to deflate one of my lungs, which never fully got any better, I had tube going to my lungs to get fluid out, bag on me so i didn't have to get up to go to the bathroom. God it was horrible.



My husband brought my 1 year old and 3 year old in to see me. My baby wouldn't even look at me. Broke my heart. I remember these kids, they were bringing this thing in to stretch me it looked like one of those things that you lay on and turn yourself upside down to stretch you back. I wasn't having that; no chance. I didn't care, I already felt like my back was going to collapse. They fused three or four vertebrae and took one of my ribs to fuse onto my back where they had put several screws in me. Thats why I was in a cast for so long, needed time to grow around my rod and make its own bone. I can remember my mom being there and she kept saying, please be nice, be nice. After that first night though, hell I dont know if it was the first, second, third. I was in a self protect mode.

I kinda screwed myself by trying so hard not to hurt myself. when i called the doctor and told them that I wasn't getting on that thing, he said ok, but it is used to get you used to standing so that when we fit you for the brace you wont pass out because you haven't been out of bed for so long that its going to be tough for you to stand that long. I told him I could do it. lol.

To guys come in to fit me for my brace; back then they were like braces that you get put on when you break your arm or leg. Hard, the ones that you write on. I dont know what they use now. I stood up and they started wrapping wet stuff around, around, around, I was getting light headed. They said hold on we are almost done, I knew I was going to pass out. Just kept hearing them say hold on and wrapping faster and faster. Yea next thing i know, I hear, Shes going. Done. I passed out. But they did get done. God that brace was heavy, I could take it on or off, kept it for years, threw it away. Wish I had it now.
It was time to go home; I was scared, I had had allot of nurses and doctors taking care of me. What now?
Drove home in my moms van; Laying on the seat in the back. Crawling to get back there cause I couldn't bend. Was wishing I would just die there. I was so hungry which was weird, remember telling them, and they just kept getting me home. Had to stop and get meds. GOD, why dont they just call those damn things in! The trip home was about two hours, every bump felt like I was getting hit in the back with a hammer.




I have tucked all of the pain inside for so long, but almost made me afraid to do anything the last 20 years for fear I would have to have another one. Completely dependent on everyone else for everything I did. Showers, they had to roll me, feed me, everything. Everyone was doing there best I'm sure. They told me to never ski, ride horses, anything that would push or impact my back. I was a kid though, well allot younger than now. I let the fear completely control my life. I know several people who have had this surgery and it didn't work so they had a second, third, fourth. I just can't.



AT HOME:

WHATEVER

Do you ever feel like your body doesn't recognize being excited over something or being anxious. I start to get excited about something in my life and have a damn anxiety attack over it. Everyone is happy, sad, has one emotion or another. It seems when you have anxiety you body can't tell whether its a good emotion or a bad one. Maybe its just me.... My little one is starting school here in a week or so. I'm starting the WHAT IFS again. Have to stop it. OK maybe I will just take some deep breaths. lol. My son is going to IRAQ in a few months and I cant tell you what thats doing to me. I'm very proud of him. And very proud to be an American. But it litterally makes me sick to my stomach. Oh some good news today. I know you thinking really? She only writes about depressing things. lol. I took a bike ride today and didnt even get a flat tire. I got my bumm out of bed and worked in the yard, went to see my parents, called some friends, played some game with my older kids. They whipped my butt. Played with my grandbaby. Thats about all it takes for me to have a good day. Just little things. Oh and my favorite word for the week is WHATEVER If I dont like what someone is saying or they are trying to get me stressed out i just say WHATEVER. Actually, it worked and kinda makes them mad. But whatever.

Putting Anxiety to Rest for now

I just want to say a few more things about anxiety, then I will stop on this subject. But please, If anyone reads this and is wondering if I have felt what your feeling, or any questions about my experiences please just ask.

I guess what I have probably learned the most from anxiety attacks and when I get them in my life is that they are a signal for you to take a breathe and slow down. Literally. But really maybe it is just your bodies way of telling you slow down, take a breathe, I'm tired.

I think that an anxiety attack can happen without warning and usually do with me. If it is happening when you are sleeping its really scary. My doctor called it "Busy sleeping" which I guess means even though you are trying to sleep you are still thinking. I used to add my checkbook up in my sleep, make a list of crap I had to do the next day, even make my bed while I was asleep. Well I thought I was. It was a bunch of little stuff, but I was amazed at how accurate i was with my checking account. lol

I still have problems with change; I hate change and really need to work on that. It freaks my system out. I hate appointments or something that I have to do and usually still cancel although not near as much.

I've learned that sleep is so very important. And yea I've went through those times where I didn't sleep for days. It sucks. I do take something to sleep, I have to, if I don't get sleep my depression and anxiety go crazy.

You cant die from this awful crap. Although you feel like you are. Even if you pass out. I asked my doctor what happens when you pass out, do you die. She said that no actually your brain resets and its actually better when you come too. Although I would never pass out if I had the choice and its hard for that to make you feel better when you are driving your kids around.

SO you have to breathe and what happens is something to do with when you hyperventilate you are exhaling too much carbon dioxide compared to the amount of oxygen that you have in your blood stream . That's why they put a bag over your mouth. Although some think this might be more dangerous now. I still cant do that but i will cup my hands over my mouth and nose then take in ten deep breaths. While I'm doing that I try to slow down my breathing.


Ask your family if they had or have it. They will probably say no cause you cant talk about it I guess, like it makes you a weak person, but I bet one of them do. Also, with depression. My mom told me one day "I think you need an anti-depressant" I said well how would a person know. She said well I'm on them. I proceeded to tell her that It would have been very helpful to know that years ago. lol. I never knew it. Like I said I guess they think its a weakness.

I still want to just take off and flee when I have one; Its like you just want to jump out of your body or start running away. Its normal. Although it sucks. I pace allot too. And my family can tell when I'm getting anxious because I will talk allot. Fast, and mix up my words. They don't know that I'm doing that just to mess with them. lol. Not really

Something that was really painful to me although I am getting a handle on it was the burning in my chest. It felt like something was just burning right through me from the inside. I was told by my doctor that it is the acid in your stomach, It comes up your chest and that's why it burns. I think I used to carry mylanta. I think that's what I used to carry in my purse. might want to check on that before using for the burning in your chest. lol.

I had a huge fear of dying, it controlled my life. I fear others dying also. After getting blood clots and really almost dying that fear has somewhat went away. And for those of you who believe in God, I have to say, when you feel completely overwhelmed, just tell him to take all of your worries, it is in his control. And like my uncle and God father told me, "When you say it you have to actually let him" I still catch myself saying it then the next day start my crap again and try to be in control of everything.

If you let people know what you are going through I promise you will find someone who is too and is just probably embarrassed to say it. which i have no idea why. I don't care I just tell them now. But I had to get to that point. It used to be so important for me for people to understand what I was going through. But you really cant think like that or your just setting yourself up for a let down. How could they if they haven't had one? And do they really even care? I don't know. It took along time for me to get to the point where if someone doesn't understand. Oh well. If they dont care, then they aren't worth having around. You dont need someone to even understand if you can just find someone who will let you talk and listen. I swear to God that took them right away with me if someone would just listen. If you cant find someone then I will listen.... Just have to tell me.

The "What ifs" Oh my God did I do this. Everything was well what if, what if, what if. Well after doing this with my doctor for over an hour she turned it on me. She would say well what if. What is the worst, very worst thing that can happen. Start asking yourself that. Its good. Well what if my house isnt clean. Umm nobody comes here anyway. Well what if I die. Umm you die. That one is still hard for me. Well what if she doesn't understand and they think I'm crazy. Well then screw them. Maybe they are the crazy ones. lol.

And last; Your going to get better. You are. You just have to sort your life and figure out what makes them worse, better, how to breathe, the right medications (If you believe in medication),
find good people who make you feel good. Seriously, it takes time but it does get better. Try not to over think everything, which i still do from time to time. When your up in the middle of the night don't sit there and think about stuff. Do a crossword, watch a movie, something that will take you mind off everything that you don't control anyway. And I'm sorry if this offends anyone but once in a while you have to just say F it. Maybe for a whole day. whatever it takes. Thank you for letting me go on and on. I hope that I have helped even one person. And I will make posts on anything else that I forgot to mention, things that may help you, or when I have another damn anxiety attack. Talk to you tomorrow. lololol. Just kidding