Friend shot; Son being deployed; Need help and advice

Guess I will try to write two blogs tonight. I had made up my mind that I was going to be positive for a change. But shit happens and I'm not so positive tonight. We got word that one of our friends' son got shot, he is in the marines and my heart just hit the floor. Hes a really nice kid. Shot right in the chest. He did live through it but the anxiety is getting out of control knowing that my son is heading over in a few months. You know I don't know how parents deal with this. And I know its the soldiers that are putting their lives in danger for us, but the heart ache, anxiety, fear, numbness, for the parents is almost too much. I have made it through this year without him being shipped. We just found out that he will actually land there on his 21st birthday. Some birthday huh. I'm scared for him and I'm becoming a wimp. I'm very proud of all of our soldiers but am litteraly sick to my stomach.  If you know of people, parents, who are going through this please have them write me on my blog it would be much appreciated and I need to talk to someone about this who knows what its like.  I'm not sure that anyone can be prepared for what might happen, I'm trying to stay strong for my son and other kids. But I'm starting to break. The "What ifs" start. My son and I had a conversation, well a forced one, by me. He said that its just the way it is. Hes ready. He loves his job. On and on. To tell you the truth I'm not sure I was even listening to him. I was watching him and flashbacks of when he was little just role through my mind, and now he is going to war. He is very confident in how they have prepared him for combat, and to be honest when I hear him talk it really does seem like they really prepare these guys. As he was talking and my mind was rolling I was just staring at him, he is still so young. Does or is he going to be prepared to shoot someone.? He says yes. He just kept looking younger to me, maybe immature, but yet when hes in uniform or at the base, hes a different person. Very confident, strong, and proud.  I am the kind of person that feels alot better if I know about things, so I need some help from you. How will I be able to talk to him when hes over there? Do you send letters? How often do you hear from them? Anythng that you can tell me. He has to go back to death valley, again, in california for another month before being shipped out, he will get thankgiving and Christmas with us and then be gone until he deploys. I suck at goodbys and may have a nervous breakdown so it might be better for him to leave from another location. I have to keep this to myself so he isn't worrying about me worrying while hes there. I need to be strong for him, but am so sad, scared, anxious, and litteraly feel like I'm going to have a nervous breakdown. He is my only son, has a huge heart and would do anything to help someone. Hes my hero, and I would die if I lost him.

Something worth reading

Email I received today
Jesus had no servants, yet they called Him Master.


Had no degree, yet they called Him Teacher.


Had no medicines, yet they called Him Healer.


Had no army, yet kings feared Him..


He won no military battles, yet He conquered the world.


He committed no crime, yet they crucified Him.


He was buried in a tomb, yet He lives today.


Feel honored to serve such a Leader who loves us.


If you believe in God and in Jesus Christ His Son..send this to all on your


GOD BLESS YOU ALL Larry T. Hedges


1st Sgt U.S. Marine Corps Retired

Seperation anxiety in children

The pure fear they have inside is heart breaking. She would not leave my side. And I really mean that. I could feel her eyes going through the back of my head when I would walk out of the room. I'm sure she thought I was going to die. At first you just tell them to stop it, but it becomes bad fast. You could have told her whatever you wanted to she was hell bent on not losing anyone else.

She would not go with anyone. I mean in a vehicle, to their house. Nothing. And you couldn't make her. I'm serious she would cause a scene and she wasn't just being a brat you could tell that her anxiety level was at a peak. Her face would turn red. I recently asked her if she still remembers the feeling and she said yes. She said "It was like being on a roller coaster all day long with your tummy" God, and I caused allot of this by being so sick.

I didn't know what to do and was very defensive over it. The fear that they feel is real and I felt so powerless. I spent everyday in her classroom or she wouldn't go to school. Doctors orders. she was put on medication which I hated but it got so out of control. I started substituting and she would leave class and come find me just to make sure I was there.

You have to realize this was so unlike her, she never wanted to be in trouble with the teacher, but this anxiety took her over. She was fragile, delicate and I didn't know how else to help her.

She had trouble that year in school and had "mean girls" which her mind could not handle. I knew how it felt but yet didn't know how to help my baby.

The constant question; They repeat things over and over. But hundreds of times a day. "Mom, will you be here?" I would say "Yes, of course." She would repeat that about ten times when she would even go to gym, the bathroom, it didn't matter. She would take a few steps and it would start again. "Will you be here when I get back?" Same answer.  I tried to be so patient.

The thing that made me sick. I have always been here for my kids. Never missed a day with them. Why would she think I would leave her? Not die. Just leave her. I would never do that.

The mothers made a big stir about me being at the school when I volunteered. They thought I favored my kid. I've never been mean to any kid. They were mad when she got put into gifted and talented. And I didn't care that she got put in. I have been through raising two other kids. Although, it is good for her because she gets bored, which gives her too much time to think. I'm amazed at how petty parents are. The situation was explained and a doctors note accompanied about what she was going through, what she needed, her medication, what she had gone through and even how she was thinking and over-thinking everything. The teacher was great. I didn't just sit there I helped grade etc. And it was hard on me I was still recovering, but they didn't care. I have a real hard time with envious people. And they didn't even have anything to envy? What the hell?

I ended up having to move her to a different school. I could not let her go through it anymore. It wasn't even so much the kids. The moms. I just don't understand it. When people are going through hard times, I feel bad for them, try to help them, atleast understand them. They didn't care. I didn't give them the satisfaction of knowing why I moved her but she needed to heal. She needed time to get mentally well, healthy, and that is my job. Its my job to make sure she is in an environment to do that.

Now I know that people will think well kids have to go through stuff, it makes them stronger. blah blah blah. Not my kid and not when she is going through this. It is my job to protect her. So thats that.

I took her to my doctor and she was put on medication. It did help. She was on it for six months. Has been off of it for almost two years and is a different kid. I honest to God didn't think that she would ever get better. She did. And as my doctor told me "As you get better so will she" which really made me get my ass up and start pushing myself to do whatever I could. Then more the next day, more the next day. We are both better. Thank God. She doesn't have anymore to go, I still struggle but am so much better than I was.

My illnesses effected all of my kids and although I would like to jump off a cliff sometime, lol, well not really. My older daughter was fourteen and my son was 11 with the postpartum depression. They went through hell and I could see the worry in their faces. It was sad and I was dealing with so many illnesses at the time I couldnt even give them advice on how to handle it. My daughter was like a second mom to my little one which is why when she moved it was just another horrible thing in my babies eyes to deal with. My son had an anger issue, but probably has the biggest heart of all of us. He didn't know how to deal either. My husband just pretty much ran. Worked.

This illness is very serious in kids and its the saddest thing I've seen. There is no good way of handling it, just do your best. Be there no matter what. The doctor told me to let her take an album to school with all of our pictures. That made it worse but it may help some kids.

Probably the best thing that I did was to get her a pay as you go cell phone. It calmed her down allot, she had a connection and could get ahold of me at any time. You have to keep your word because if you don't you will be starting over. That comes from experience. If you tell them you will be outside a door, which we had to go over atleast twenty times in the morning, be there. Everytime. I promiss it will get easier. Realize that all they are thinking about all day is where you are what you are doing. My daughter is a couple years over her grade, some kids fall back. Don't feel like a bad parent if they do. You will just have to help them. They aren't thinking about the homework, their minds are scrambling about everything and its hard for them to concentrate.

I couldn't put her in any activities at first she just couldn't take it. But as she started getting better I did and it helped.

Absolutely do not let people tell them to "Just stop it" it doesn't work and it made her worse. It doesn't take much for them to get back to square one. Although i definetely would notify the school, teachers, anyone who could help her in a situation. They should be sympathetic and sincere about it. If they aren't going to be your going to have to take care of it.  Some wont be so find the ones who will, if not stick to your kid like glue. I have no idea what you will do if you are working cause I don't think I could have done it.

Family is important although they have to know what the kid has and what not to say around them. Make them realize that these kids worry about everything, even if its not kid stuff. For Gods sake I had to take the bible from my daughter because she was reading her own thoughts into it, thinking she was going to hell for everything. She has it back now. They just over-think everything.

 

You might want to only let them watch certain things on tv. They think everything is going to happen to them, even if it is just a fiction show. My doctor said not to let her watch anything but cartoons for a while. It worked.

I just asked her what helped her: She said the cell phone, and that she still gets nervous sometimes.

Teach them how to calm themselves down when you are at home with them and it is quiet. Its important and it will help them, although when they are really bad they don't care if they are breathing correctly and it also depends on their age. Its tough. I would walk outside. She wanted to know what side of the house I was going to be on. If I had moved to another side without thinking you could hear her screaming for me. How horrible it must be to be that afraid... So I would have to tell her ok I'm going to the back but might be in the front in a couple of minutes. We started doing breathing and thinking excercises. It was so hard for her. I would tell her what I was going to do so she would know. I told her when you feel the anxiety and fear coming you take a deep breathe and then think "she isn't going to leave me" where did she tell me I would be? breathe go to the other side of the house. She would find me. It took a long time.

She doesn't carry the cell phone anymore, they usually wont use it anyway its just a mental thing. And her teacher was a life saver cause she would let her call me when she was getting anxiety. It goes from nervous, to sick to their stomachs, to full fledged anxiety fast.

Get a support base of people who may not understand but would do whatever it takes for your child. Positive people, older people are great cause most of them are calm and reassuring, like grandparents.

My daughter had to know what was going on from the time she woke up until the time she went to bed, and I couldn't tell her "shit happens" or "what if this happens what do you do?" She would have freaked out. But I got it covered with people without her knowing.

I'm telling you if you are going through this with your child you probably feel like your going crazy. The questions over and over alone really try your patience. Its really hard and just understand how hard it is for them. They are so miserable, they are hurting and we know why but we don't know why. I could tell her I would never leave her she would say I know but what if something happens and your not there. Well then so and so would be here. Well what if they weren't her? It went on for hours and I'm not kidding. She meant it too she wasn't just screwing with me.

Your life becomes their life. You can lay up all night and try to figure out how to fix it or you can realize that this is going to take some time. Go day by day by day.

After a year she started getting a little better. After about a year and a half she was allot better and then I started another phase which I don't know if it was right or wrong but it seemed like this was the time to try to make her a little stronger. I started playing the "what if " game with her. When she would say are you sure that you will be at door number two at 3:14, by the tree. I would say yes. And I told her that we were going to play this game everyday. So I would say but "What if" (start real small) I was standing on the sidewalk instead of by the tree what would happen? Her face would turn red, you could just see that it was messing her up. I said, well what could you do? She wouldn't answer so I would give her something she could do. See they aren't thinking well enough to go that far. I said could you look around for just a couple of seconds and see me on the sidewalk? She said yes, but please don't do that. We played this game and I would slowly progress to "What if I wasn't there at 3:14, what could you do? She could go back inside to her teacher. etc.

Although I played this with her I never did it for almost two years or she would have seriously had a meltdown. she had several when I was thirty seconds late.

It took two years for me to start pulling away a bit. By then her sister and brother moved back to our state which helped allot although it took her a while to even go with them.  It sounds crazy to people who aren't going through it but I litterally took one step back from the school door at a time. One step. Eventually, I was almost to the end of the playground. And thank God I have not been in the hospital since.

Today, I take her to school, she rides the bus home!, I don't go to the school and volunteer, I work at a different school and she will ride the bus there! She will go with her sister and brother! She has stayed the night, well threes nights. lol. at a friends house! She goes to our old house with her dad when he is working on it for the people who bought it! Goes to band and gymnastics, still wants us to be there. Stays at my mom and dads. I'm just so happy for her. She is so much better.

To all of you who are going through this I just don't know what to say. It may not take as long. She was really bad. Hang in there and if you need someone to talk to you know just blog me cause I'm sure there are things that I have forgotten to mention. Be patient, dont let people tell you how to do your job, its not their kid or their hell that you are going through. And last but not least, they get better. I never thought she would but I can't believe how far she has come. God Bless You All.

Helping children deal with death, anxiety,seperation

Well if you have read my blog you know that I suck when It comes to dealing with death. But when your a parent you have to dig deep within and take care of your children. They are hurting probably in a different way and who know what they are thinking or the questions that they have.

Now allot of people told me to take my little one to a counselor. She had severe seperation anxiety, which I hadn't really heard of or ever dealt with. This had to be the hardest thing to watch ever. At first you think that if you just tell them you are not going to leave them, try to explain about death, heaven, they will be alright, but this was something that was not going away. My little one got worse.

God knows that she had reason. I was trying to live for my kids and damaging the hell out of them at the same time especially the young one. I did everything possible to reasure her that all was good, mommie was good, everything was going to be ok. It didn't work and was a couple years of heart breaking agony watching her go through this. She had watched me almost die a couple of times and kids aren't stupid. They listen. They hear. They know.
You can try to keep it from them, hide the horrible stuff, but they are smart and know whats going on.

She had moved to my parents with me, watched all of my illnesses, her big sister moved, her brother moved, her dad was living at our old house, her grandma honey had just died, we moved to a new place, and she started a new school. Just to mention the big things. I have so much guilt over this. Although you try so hard to protect the kids, they are suffering so much. She acted so strong and I think that finally she just broke.

Before I talk about  the seperation anxiety I just want to put down a couple of things that may help someone whos child is going through the loss of someone.

1.  We live really close to my grandmas old house and pass it everyday. She would cry horrible. At this time she was about 6.  She didn't want anyone else living in grandmas house and was angry. I let her write a letter to the owners of the house after talking to them about it. She wrote a long letter and asked them to please take care of her grandma honey's house. She went into specifics, which I think was good therapy for her. How to water the grass, what grandma liked and how she wanted someone to live there who loved the house. She basically asked them to take care of the house. I took her to the mailbox and let her put it in. Which I know your not supposed to do but they were watching. She smiled. Even if you can't put it in the mailbox you can pretend to mail it.

2. This worked good!   I take her to get balloons, which her and grandma had talked about. As many as she wants. She writes notes on them and we set them free. She watches very carefully. They go up so far and then you cant see them anymore. She says, "Grandma got it". And is calm again.

3.  I was really scared to do this but, when the people got all moved into grandmas they invited us in. I was scared and didn't think I could be strong enough for her. We had damn near lived there for years. But I had to do it. They took us to each room and let her look around. She told them stories about each room. Its weird there wasn't any grandma left there which is the way it is supposed to be I guess. It looked beautiful, grandma would have loved it. I realize that you cant do this with all losses but it helped actually both of us.

4. Eventually, I just had to go all out and try to explain everything to her. She doesn't let things go. I told her my beliefs. That grandma was so happy now. She was playing with her little boy and had so much family in heaven. Went into the pain. etc. At this stage I was still shattered, my gutt would hurt as im consoling her. I did belive what I was saying, but I was still pissed that she left me. Very selfish. I'm told thats a phase you go through I dont know.

5. I let her write letters to heaven for grandma and mailed them, or let her mail them.

6. And after three years of the hell of seperation anxiety she has a full schedule, gymnastics, gate, band, school. Dont give them too much time to think. I had to keep her busy. Although I felt like crawling in bed and crying. Just wanted to sleep. I had to keep her moving, which actually was a big help to me also. I didn't like it though. lol.

7. She made a photo album of her and grandma

8. I let her hang pictures of her. She put one right by where she sleeps. I wasn't sure if that was a good idea. But if they request it then why not. She still looks at it everymorning and is concerned that she is forgettting grandma.  So I encourage her to write down things that she remembers about her, anything. She has quite a collection.

9. She still sleeps with the blanket that grandma always used. Thats ok to me. So what. It was actually her blanket and grandma liked it so she let her use it. Now I will admit when grandma first died she wanted to wear one of her big nightgowns and I let her. She wore her nightgown to sleep for about a week and the phase was over. She said that it smells like grandma and "thats all I need"

10. Let them talk, talk, talk, if they will. I didn't know most answers. When I didn't know how to answer I just told her that. It will drive you a little crazy. Our minds are trying to process all of this shit and questions are coming left and right. She was bad with this, I mean all day everyday. So what I did was tell her ok, we are going to talk about anything on your mind, grandma, memories, whatever you want, but only at 6:00 at night. The rest of the day we are going to try real hard to be happy and look for things to be happy about. I was very surprised to hear her agree to that. It worked, everynight we would talk about the same stuff until I thought I was going to go crazy. Everntually the conversation got shorter. Then they stopped. She had either talked it out or found anotherway to cope that was working



I am sure I will think of more but thats a start. She has allot of faith in God and I don't even have to push her. Prayers really helped her, she would say them and then say now what do I say? I told her you say whatever you want to, so she will go on for fifteen minutes. She  tells God to say hi to grandma and did she get her balloons, on and on. Seems to really help her and actually I enjoy listening to her.

I never thought she would get better or get rid of the anxiety and sepreation anxiety, but she has. Thank God. Shes doing great. It took a long time. So much patience. But we did it.!!!!

Quick tips for depression

This is a hard one. If I wouldn't have had family I would have been screwed.
Now I still have depression and manage it, I function. Which is what most people have. But if you have depression to the point of not wanting to live you need to see a doctor.

I know allot of people who refuse to take medication. I personally won't go off of it again. I wish that I was one of the people who could get on it for a year or six months and feel normal again, but I'm not. I have tried going off my medication many times and will try no more. Apparently my brain needs it. I kinda have a rule that will sound stupid. But when you take medication like for anxiety, some people I guess pay big bucks for that stuff for the feeling. I can't tell that I take it so that is how I know that my body needs it. Make sense? Probably not.

There are people who use other things instead of taking pills. I know people who wont take them because you cant drink with them. They would rather drink. Thats their business. For me I take medication.

I was one of those people who had a hard time taking care of myself, yet nobody knew cause I was damn good at hiding it for a long time. I loved to sleep and to be honest when I'm stressed thats what I do sometimes. But I also walk allot now. I swim, ride my bike. This would have been unheard of years ago. And its not that I didn't want to, I just couldn't get the .... I don't know what you call it. My body hurt, my brain hurt. lol. Some people called me lazy. I think that when a person lays in bed for months and doesnt leave the house for months, its not because they want to something is wrong with them.

Just to brag for one sec. lol. My daughter and I were talking yesterday. The older daughter. I told her that I had to get out of the damn house, couldn't stand it anymore. I can't stay indoors all day now. This is the time I've been waiting for. I love to do things, and if I would have known that a walk or swim took this much stress away, I would hope that I would have done it years ago.\
Although when your depressed a walk, shower, anything is a huge effort.

When I first started walking I could only make it a couple of blocks because of my blood clots and my lungs. I went out everyday for two years and went just a little bit more each day. I'm up to two miles a day now! Its been a long road but well worth it. I love to look at the trees, animals, I even look at the rocks. lol. I try to enjoy every piece of that hour I'm walking.

So I guess what I'm saying is that I was about as low as you can get and you can get better. I'm not going to tell you that I feel great everyday. I'm in constant pain, and I truely still struggle with anxiety and depression. But I get my ass up and by God take that walk everyday.
And I stopped when my grandbaby was born and my husband moved down here. It sucked. My stress level went through the roof. So, I started again. I dont care if the roof is falling in I have to take care of myself at this point in my life.

I taught myself to swim last year and found that it is the only thing that doesnt make me sore or hurt my back. Great excercise for those of you with back problems, and has helped anxiety and depression. The hardest part is taking the time for yourself to do it.

When you are so far down that you cant do anything my advice to you would be to take one day at a time. If thats too hard take a half hour at a time. Dont lay in bed awake worrying about things at night. Go ahead and get up. Watch tv or read a book.

My schedule took years to get back. I guess thats ok cause it took years to get so bad. I was and pretty much still am a night owl. I think its the peace and quiet. lol.  I had to go from staying up all day and night. Then I would stay up all night and sleep all day. And after a long time I make myself go to sleep, although its usually late, and I make myself stay up during the day.
Now dont think that I just go to sleep, I'm far from that and don't understand how people just go to sleep, although I know I did for the first twenty years. I have to take medication for sleep also. Another crutch.
But if I dont look at the clock when I go to sleep my anxiety level is so much better, I'm not so tired in the morning. Another mind trick to me. If I look at the clock then I sit there and count how many hours of sleep I'm going to get, figure that is not enough for me, and I swear I'm tired in the morning.

I cant tell you how important sleep is to me with my depression. If I don't get sleep I get worse. Sleep is a must and although I say I make myself stay up all day. I will take a nap if i dont feel right. I have to have sleep. And if your not sleeping, you know. I did take stuff like Tylenol pm for years, it worked for sleep. Although some people feel tired the next morning, I did anyway. But eventually my doctor put on medication to sleep. I went through allot of different pills, nothing seemed to work. I now take a muscle relaxer and sleep great. It takes my spasms from my back away and I sleep well most of the time.

Weather has a big effect on me. I need sunshine. Which is actually a fact. The sun gives you a certain vitamin I think it is that is very important. Check into it but I'm pretty sure that you are supposed to get sun between the hours of 10 and 12 am. When it get cold and gloomy so do I. This really isn't in my head although I feel like it is sometimes. I really feel like shit when it is cold. I dont like winter at all and if I was rich I would have a place with palm trees and and ocean for the winters. Yea that would be great! I will tell you that although I know its bad for your skin, I will go to a tanning bed usually in the winter. It makes me feel better, I dont know if its the fake light, the heat, but it does the job.

Little things make people happy if they take the time to do them. I do things that I never used to but have found that it helps. Take my 2 year old nephew for a walk, they find the good in everything. Garden. Play with my dog, God I would have never done that before. Go somewhere with my kids, just little things that take up your day. Try to enjoy them. Make yourself, it takes practice. I have always enjoyed doing things with my kids though, but I take allot more time now to do it. I used to clean, clean, clean. Cook, cook cook, yea thats pretty much over. lol.

Find someone who relates to you and doesnt act like your crazy to talk to when your having a rough time.
Laugh, laugh, laugh. Or cry whatever you feel like.

I think that I live like I think others want me to still. I'm working on it.

For me: Faith in God has helped me more than anything. When nobody else is there for you, he always is.

Another thing that I don't know if other people go through so that bothers me is when I get sick. As in a cold or flu. My depression shoots sky high. It pisses me off. So remember if this happens to you and your getting sick thats why your feeling like your depression is worse. My dad always has to remind me of that.

If you are really depressed right now then your not going to be swimming etc. but talk to yourself. Sounds stupid but it will help after a while. Tell yourself, tomorrows a new day and will be better. The medication takes time. Although, they tell you that you won't feel a difference for like two months. I disagree with that, but thats just me. I could tell in a couple of weeks if it was working or not. Maybe not the full effect but you can feel your head getting a little bit clearer
Last thing I will put down for now is if you are going to have friends during this time, which I hope you have a couple to help you, they have to be positive with you. Hand around people that dont sit there and tell you what your doing wrong, do what your doctor says. Unless they have been through it, I might listen to them. Maybe they were able to find something that might help you.  God bless All of you